A/N: Before we get started, I'm sorry if Lena seems a little OOC. I realized while writing but I think it's all right; Because she's in a state of nothing. She's caught between a rock and a hard place, and she doesn't know what she's doing. She's out of it. Also; I should add if you play 'You Could Be Happy' by Snow Patrol in the background it creates a great atmosphere. I think it really fits; Like a jewerly box is playing in the background. I hope I did alright on this, since Lena is a character I don't understand very well and such. But I hope you enjoy. ;w;
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What if he's really, you know, Dead?
It's the only question that's been lying in Lena's mind for hours.
What if he left you?
It's like it's hard to breathe. But that's not the worst of it.
What are you going to do?
The worst of it is that she doesn't have an answer.
.
Lying in her room. On her bed. Staring at her poetry covered walls. Hours slowly passing by.
How long has it been since she's seen him?
How long has it been since she's heard his voice?
How long has it been since she kissed him?
How long has it been..
She fades into the conclusion that it's been too long.
But he isn't dying.
Ethan Wate, the boy of her dreams, is not dead.
He's alive.
At least that's what she'll mutter to herself as she rolls over onto her side, trying to fight the tears that linger in her eyes.
.
She remembers when she asked Ethan if he believed that people could be in love. After Death.
And he had replied with yes.
And what if it was true?
Wasn't Ethan's other soul in the Other World?
He still loved her, didn't he?
But then she rememebers that she was the reason half of him was there.
She was the reason why he'd be commiting suicide right now.
Yes, Ethan had said he believed in love after death.
But he never said that he'd specifically love her.
She means, who would?
She's killed him. Twice. Killed him.
Or was it 3 times?
She's lost count. That's probably not a good sign.
But she's taken his life. Taken it.
Stolen it from him.
How long did she haunt his dreams?
Even when her nightmares faded; his lived on.
Why is that?
Why not her?
Why couldn't her life be taken and grabbed away?
Why isn't she dying right now?
But she has no answer, because it's all just fate.
But she knows it's not Fate that Ethan has to create Order for the world she's ruined.
The world she's broken.
All she does is destory. And all he does is pick up the pieces.
.
Isn't he a Wayward?
Wasn't he supposed to lead her somewhere?
Lead her into love? Lead her in life?
Lead her into Death?
She huffs and reaches out for her pillow. Once her shakey fingers grab onto it, she pulls it close and wraps her arms around it. Her black hair is probably a tangled mess, and her bare white room with the black sharpie scribbled all over it just reminds her.
Dark and Light. She's both.
Her neck feels bare without her necklace hanging around it. Her hands tremble as they find her way and touch her lips. Where his lips last touched.
The pillow she's pulled so close smells like him. The room feels like him.
She breathes, her icy hands falling limp towards her sides and she rolls onto her back.
Her eyes slam shut and she just imagines... What did she think would happen?
She shakes her head. Anything but this.
When she peeks her eyes open, she can't help but notice the new text above her.
I will always love you. -Ethan
And the tears fall down her cheeks but she doesn't make a sound.
She just nods her head slightly as she reads them over and over.
His writing; It's messy. he's pressed the marker in hard, so it won't fade away.
The heart. She remembers it all too well.
She hopes she'll never forget.
I will always love you too, Ethan. She thinks, but she doesn't know if the words will ever reach him. If he's truly dead, she guesses not.
But she can hear voice just speaking the words.
"I love you, L."
She'd smile but the thought would always cross her mind.
"Why?"
He could be off loving any girl. Emily, for example. Everyone thought they'd fall in love at some point.
With her, he'd be happy. He'd still be on the football team. His bestfriend wouldn't be an incubus. He wouldn't be so confused.
He wouldn't be so dead, either, she mentally adds.
.
She shuts her eyes again and fumbles around. No one's dared to talk to her and she doesn't want to talk to anyone.
Because the only person she's sure is on her side has been Ethan, and she's gotten him killed.
She doesn't know what she'll do. Just to walk into that school and he wouldn't be there.
He wouldn't be there.
He won't be there.
Her sobs echo around as she pulls herself up into a sitting position on her bed.
She can't be here. Not if he's not gone. It's just not right.
Killing herself. To make things fair. To see his face again.
She could kill herself to be with him. Like a lovers suicide. Like Romeo and Juilet.
But she doesn't even know if he's dead. What if he isn't?
What if the thought of her being dead drives him to the point of suicide, too?
More tears fall down her face as her head whispers:
"What if he's happy there, and you could bring more misery to him, even in Death?"
.
What would she do to see his face, to hear his voice, to know that's he's alright, safe and sound?
Just about anything, she thinks off the top of her head.
What if he really did die for everyone? For the people they loved,
For her?
Why would he do that?
The only thing she comes up with "is because he loves you too."
A faint smile creeps up onto her face.
Because she won't die. Not yet, anyways. She'll create a New Order. A new world.
A better one. A brighter one. One that Ethan would love. A bigger place, much bigger than Gatlin, the only place he's ever known.
A place where he'd be happy.
And if he's not gone; Then they can enjoy that new world together forever.
How To Love A Dead Person 101:
You don't.
Because if you loved them beforehand; You know they're not dead.
Because you're living for them.