"Beautifully Scarred" A Criminal Minds fan fiction.
Takes place in high-school; everyone is a freshman (around 14/15)
Summary: Jennifer Jareau, 15, is a shy, quiet girl, who barely speaks and has many secrets. Aaron Hotchner just moved to a new school; and tries to help a girl. This is a story about how one person can save someone's life; even in the slightest way. Features the rest of the team, too.
Warning: deals with self-injury & depression, eating disorders, abuse
Prologue.
"JJ, what are these?" Hotch asks as he gently grabs JJ's arms, and pulls up her light blue sleeve, lightly. He pulls it up and sees a couple of red lines, off all shapes and sizes, on her arms lined up perfectly.
JJ quickly pulls her arms back, and pulls her sleeves back down, "nothing, Aaron. It's just my cat scratched me." She says nonchalant, but he knows it's a lie.
"No, Jayje. It's not the cat. What are those?" He asks, again, eyeing her arms through her long sleeves. When he gets no reply, just a terrified face, "JJ, no matter what those scars are from, I'll always love you. And nothing you say –or do- can scare me away. I'm here for good."
JJ just looks down, sits on her neatly made bed, goes to the drawer and pulls out a little white jewelry box with little swirls etched on the side. She opens it and Hotch sits down next to her and sees some tissues, Band-Aids, and 2 little razor blades that you can get from a dollar-store razor.
He didn't want it to be this. Anything but this. He closes his eyes, and a tear escapes by its own will. He wipes it away quickly, so JJ doesn't see this. Because he knows it takes a lot of trust for her to show him this; and he knows how much pain someone has to be in to do this. And he doesn't want to make it harder on her.
"JJ, how long?" He asks, desperate, because he wants to know how he didn't see the signs. He wants to know how long she has been scarring herself for. When she doesn't respond, he pulls her hand into his lap, pulls up the sleeves to reveal the red marks, some already healed, some not. He rubs his hands over them, and kisses every one of them. To show her that they don't disgust him. That they doesn't scare him.
Once he is done, he looks up to see JJ closing the lid, retracting her arm from his grips and putting the box back in her nightstand. Just when he is about to say something, she speaks; her voice is soft and light, and it doesn't sound like her; but he listens. "I… I really don't know. I've been doing it for as long as I can remember, I guess." She says this all, stuttering some words.
She's not use to this. She wanted to keep it a secret because she doesn't want her family –her loved ones- to feel guilt for something that she did to herself.
"Do you remember when you started?" He asks, because he wants to know all about this side of Jennifer. This broken, little girl side.
"I guess I started it when I was 10… after… my dad was… arrested. I don't know; I just had so many memories of his hands, his eyes, and his belt that I just wanted to forget. And this helped me. But, soon, it became an obsession; and I loved doing it." She says, playing with her hands, and not meeting his eyes.
Tears have formed in Aaron's eyes. He has heard some stories about JJ's messed up past; and while he hasn't heard them all, he knows that they weren't pretty. He knows that Jennifer had to deal with stuff no one, not even Hitler, should have to deal with. Especially at that young. And he wishes –god, he wishes- that he was there for her when she was younger so she wouldn't live with this constant pain of what her dad did –and still does- to her.
"God, JJ, I am so sorry I wasn't there to protect you. To give you a childhood that you deserved." He mumbles with tears in his eyes.
"No, Aaron. NO!" JJ says loudly, pulling Aaron in a big hug. "This is not your fault. It never will be your fault. It's okay that you weren't there to protect me. What my dad did to me, it made me stronger." She says, and lets Aaron rest his head on her shoulder. She sadly cries, that Aaron is the one crying of something he couldn't control.
Soon, after Aaron gets his emotions together, he pulls his head up, "I'm sorry, JJ. You're the one going through everything and here I am crying on your shoulder, like a child, when it should be the other way around."
JJ gives a small laugh, "Well, Aaron, I was always the strong one in our relationship." she nudges him.
"Yeah." He smiles back and gives JJ a kiss on the forehead.
"JJ?"
"Yeah." She turns her head to meet his.
"Does your mom know?" He hates to ask her this question, but he has to know.
The smile automatically detaches from her face and leaves an emotionless one in place. She rapidly stands up and stares at Aaron from her blue wall.
"No. My mom doesn't know. And she never will." She says with major conviction, and goes closer to Aaron, right in his face. "Promise me, Aaron. Promise me, you won't tell my mom. She doesn't need to know."
He sighs, debating what to do. Whether he should tell her mom. The right thing to do. Or whether he should keep it a secret. The friend thing to do. "I can't promise anything, Jenny. She's your mom. She deserves to know. She can get you help-"
"NO AARON!" She screams, "I… I don't need help! I'm fine. Okay. Look at me. I'm fine." She says and Aaron looks up at her whole body to see that she has no physical scars, but emotional ones- there are too many to count. He sees the pain, the misery behind her light-blue crystal eyes. He sees the faded memories of her past that haunt her in her sleep. He sees right through the shy, emotionless exterior and can see her interior- the broken, scared little girl who never dealt with anything. And he knows, that no matter what she says.
She's not fine.
"No, Jennifer, you're not." He says, slowly, not wanting to seem like he is teaming up against her. "And it's perfectly okay. I don't expect you to be this super girl. I expect you to cry, to scream because that's what you should do. You talk about these memories like they don't haunt you in your dreams, that they don't affect you. Because, in reality, they do, Jennifer. You may not see it; but everyone around you sees it. You're not fine." He hates to say this to her, but has to make her see the truth.
She gives him a push, and he sways slightly, but doesn't do much. "Yes, I am, Aaron. I am fine! You don't know what you're talking about. You've never had your dad rape you. You've never had to see your sister kill herself. You've never been through what I've gone through. And I'm FINE! You're a LIAR, AARON. Just leave. PLEASE... just leave." She cries loudly. Not a cry of a little, shy girl, but a cry of a girl who never gotten over the hell that was her childhood.
Instead of getting mad, he pulls her into a hug and holds her tightly. She pounds on his chest with such fervor that he knows it's going to leave a bruise. She tries to push back. To get out of his hold. But, eventually, her knees give out and Aaron is there to catch her.
He pulls her to his chest, and he just lets her cry.
His shirt is soaking wet, but he doesn't mind. He just holds her and rocks her back and forth; caressing her long, wavy, blonde hair. And whispering comforting words into her ear.
Eventually, the sobs die down, and he hears some shallow, steady breaths. He looks to see that JJ has fallen asleep. He cradles her up, in his chest, and gently lays her on her bed and covers her up with a blanket. He cradles her hair and gives her a gentle, tender kiss on the forehead.
He goes on the other side of the bed, in just his t-shirt and his boxers, and lays down next to her. Making sure to catch her when she falls.
Like always.
So.. how do you guys like it? I know it's not the best, but remember, it's just the beginning of my story. I hope I dealt with the abuse/self-harm topic correctly, and if I didn't, please feel free to correct me.
Self-harm/abuse is something that I take very seriously becuase I know people who have struggled with it all; and it's not easy. Those people give me strength, like really.
But I really hope you like this story. Now, since I have school (and missed a lot of it) I will update periodically. But, I will finish this story.
If you (or someone you know) is being abused, having suicidal/self-harming thoughts or you think that they are doing something dangerous. Don't be afraid to call or get help. Please call these hotlines:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
Rape & Sexual assault hotline: 1-800-656-4673
Self-injury hotline & resources: 1-800-366-8288
Until later.
Lauren