Statutory Rape Is Bad
(also titled: A Warning to Everyone's Favorite Underage Kickass Chinese Schoolgirl,
Xiaoyu)
Note: I haven't played Tekken 4 yet, so this is set in the Tekken Tag Tournament era.
Disclaimer: I don't own Mountain Dew, the Beatles song 'Penny Lane', McDonalds or
McDonalds cheeseburgers, 'Reefer Man', Tekken (thank God), steamed buns, Ring Pops,
Prozac, Prozac Cookies, or Green Tea.
Once upon a time, Jin Kazama angsted in the rain, crystalline teardrops striking his
love-pining body. He desperately expressed his love for his dearest darling, Xiaoyu.
However, Xiaoyu was too busy investing her fortunes won in the Iron Fist Tournament in
every steamed bun factory in China, so she ignored him. He yelled and collapsed to his
knees, crying. In response, Xiaoyu ate a steamed bun and laughed sadistically.
Julia was practicing for the Iron Fist Tournament.
"Left Spinner…Right Spinner, Triple Kick! Spin Behind…Liquid Sweep…Tequila
Sunrise!" She assaulted the practice Moku with the ferocity of a wounded tiger,
unrelenting, raven hair flying in her face. With a forceful Heaven Shatter Kick, Moku's
head flew across the dojo, shattering on the Julia-beaten wall. She blinked a little, rubbed
her eyes and swept up the broken wood, just as King would have told her to do.
Julia had no idea why she was training under King. She already could easily beat his
ass across the dojo, he came across as a total jerk or a total loony to her, and it was
costing her cold hard cash out of her pocket. She had tried many times to deny his
tutelage, but something was compelling her to stay…
"Speak of the devil…" Julia dropped the broom with a clatter as King jubilantly
skipped into the room, holding a platter of his patented Prozac Cookies. She despised the
stupid things, but they were all that King would give her to eat at the dojo – aside from
McDonald's cheeseburgers and Mountain Dew, which Julia wouldn't touch with a ten-
foot-pole. He grinned his goofy grin that absolutely roared 'I ate too many Prozac
Cookies today!' and said, "Hey there, Julie Foolie!" (This was his nickname for her – she
had no idea what it meant. King's regular highs off Prozac spawned some frightening
effects.) He then proceeded to sing his song, which Julia recognized as 'Reefer Man' but
what King called the 'Happy Fun Prozac Time Song'. "Have you ever met that funny
Reefer Man? Haaa~ave you ever – " King stopped mid-verse, looked to the ground, and
dropped the platter. He screamed and retreated out of the dojo, crying. Julia gave him a
weird look, picked up a Prozac cookie and ate it.
Xiaoyu finally confronted Jin out in the pouring rain. Jin was not wearing a mack.
Very strange. He looked her straight in the eye, handed her a Ring Pop, and said, "Ling,
would you marry me?"
Ling took the Ring Pop and licked it. "Sorry, Jin, but I'm only 16 and that's statutory
rape! Teehee! ^_^" Ling then Storming Flowered him off the premises. She licked her
Ring Pop again.
"Mmm…Steamed bun flavor ^_^"
Julia trekked to Anna's house. Anna, once King's ex-lover, could hopefully tell her
how to escape from his training dojo.
Anna's house was filled with dresses, makeup, and bloody bladed implements. 'Being
the world's prettiest assassin isn't easy' was Anna's axiom. Anna smiled and welcomed
Julia inside her modest house. "Welcome, Julia! Having King problems again?"
"Yes! King won't leave me alone! He constantly forces his Prozac Cookies on me – "
"So you don't have to eat the McDonald's hamburgers and Mountain Dew – "
"Right, and he's always high off antidepressants, and it really frightens me! It's scarier
than Hwoarang on helium!"
"Well, since Hwoarang was my ex-lover, I can give you a little bit of advice. When
King gives you the cookies, then give him a little of this Depressing Juice." Anna handed
her a vial of liquid that looked and smelled suspiciously like champagne. "When you do,
he'll be loopier than Lee after Arbor Day, and I would know because he's my ex-lover!"
Anna smiled and waved Julia off, then dragged a mostly-naked Kazuya out of her closet
and started glomping him.
The rain had stopped. Jin looked into the azure skies and wondered if the one true
sweetheart of his life would ever accept his unrequited love. He gazed into the heavens
and saw his beautiful Xiaoyu's face engraved in the clouds. Her expression said "Get the
hell away from me, pervert!" but Jin interpreted it as "Oh, my love, come to me!" Jin rose
to his feet and begged the heavens to give him his love…and was subsequently struck
down repeatedly by lightning bolts. The wind scattered his poor, angsty, stupid ashes all
around.
When Julia got back to the dojo, King was sitting on the floor in a tuxedo, cross-
legged, a huge tray of Prozac Cookies strewn before him. He grinned and beckoned Julia
to sit with him. She did so reluctantly.
"JoooOOoooOlie!" he said, in a manner similar to that of a cow. Julia readied the
Depressing Juice. She pointed over his shoulder and yelled, "Look! A small orphan
child!" King, due to his almost pedophilic obsession with small orphan children, squealed
"Where?!" and looked over his shoulder. While doing so, Julia slipped the Depressing
Juice into his draught of green tea.
"Oh, he's gone. I guess True Ogre must have eaten him already," said King with a tone
of disappointment to his voice. He lifted his glass; Julia looked on anxiously. However,
he turned to her and said "A toast to our long-lasting relationship!" Julia forced a very
disgusted smile and picked up her glass. They tapped their crystal glasses together, but
King, who misestimated his strength, accidentally shattered his glass against hers. The
green tea spilled all over the tray, drenching the Prozac Cookies below.
"Oh, poo! Well, that's okay! I still have Prozac Cookies!" King grinned and chomped
into a slightly wet one. Julia just stared.
Oh no! Julia's plot has failed! In Chapter 2, watch as she implores the help of Nina! Will
she ever escape King's dojo? Will Jin ever receive any sweet lovin' from Xiaoyu? Find
out in the next installment! Baaaaaiiii~ ^_^
(also titled: A Warning to Everyone's Favorite Underage Kickass Chinese Schoolgirl,
Xiaoyu)
Note: I haven't played Tekken 4 yet, so this is set in the Tekken Tag Tournament era.
Disclaimer: I don't own Mountain Dew, the Beatles song 'Penny Lane', McDonalds or
McDonalds cheeseburgers, 'Reefer Man', Tekken (thank God), steamed buns, Ring Pops,
Prozac, Prozac Cookies, or Green Tea.
Once upon a time, Jin Kazama angsted in the rain, crystalline teardrops striking his
love-pining body. He desperately expressed his love for his dearest darling, Xiaoyu.
However, Xiaoyu was too busy investing her fortunes won in the Iron Fist Tournament in
every steamed bun factory in China, so she ignored him. He yelled and collapsed to his
knees, crying. In response, Xiaoyu ate a steamed bun and laughed sadistically.
Julia was practicing for the Iron Fist Tournament.
"Left Spinner…Right Spinner, Triple Kick! Spin Behind…Liquid Sweep…Tequila
Sunrise!" She assaulted the practice Moku with the ferocity of a wounded tiger,
unrelenting, raven hair flying in her face. With a forceful Heaven Shatter Kick, Moku's
head flew across the dojo, shattering on the Julia-beaten wall. She blinked a little, rubbed
her eyes and swept up the broken wood, just as King would have told her to do.
Julia had no idea why she was training under King. She already could easily beat his
ass across the dojo, he came across as a total jerk or a total loony to her, and it was
costing her cold hard cash out of her pocket. She had tried many times to deny his
tutelage, but something was compelling her to stay…
"Speak of the devil…" Julia dropped the broom with a clatter as King jubilantly
skipped into the room, holding a platter of his patented Prozac Cookies. She despised the
stupid things, but they were all that King would give her to eat at the dojo – aside from
McDonald's cheeseburgers and Mountain Dew, which Julia wouldn't touch with a ten-
foot-pole. He grinned his goofy grin that absolutely roared 'I ate too many Prozac
Cookies today!' and said, "Hey there, Julie Foolie!" (This was his nickname for her – she
had no idea what it meant. King's regular highs off Prozac spawned some frightening
effects.) He then proceeded to sing his song, which Julia recognized as 'Reefer Man' but
what King called the 'Happy Fun Prozac Time Song'. "Have you ever met that funny
Reefer Man? Haaa~ave you ever – " King stopped mid-verse, looked to the ground, and
dropped the platter. He screamed and retreated out of the dojo, crying. Julia gave him a
weird look, picked up a Prozac cookie and ate it.
Xiaoyu finally confronted Jin out in the pouring rain. Jin was not wearing a mack.
Very strange. He looked her straight in the eye, handed her a Ring Pop, and said, "Ling,
would you marry me?"
Ling took the Ring Pop and licked it. "Sorry, Jin, but I'm only 16 and that's statutory
rape! Teehee! ^_^" Ling then Storming Flowered him off the premises. She licked her
Ring Pop again.
"Mmm…Steamed bun flavor ^_^"
Julia trekked to Anna's house. Anna, once King's ex-lover, could hopefully tell her
how to escape from his training dojo.
Anna's house was filled with dresses, makeup, and bloody bladed implements. 'Being
the world's prettiest assassin isn't easy' was Anna's axiom. Anna smiled and welcomed
Julia inside her modest house. "Welcome, Julia! Having King problems again?"
"Yes! King won't leave me alone! He constantly forces his Prozac Cookies on me – "
"So you don't have to eat the McDonald's hamburgers and Mountain Dew – "
"Right, and he's always high off antidepressants, and it really frightens me! It's scarier
than Hwoarang on helium!"
"Well, since Hwoarang was my ex-lover, I can give you a little bit of advice. When
King gives you the cookies, then give him a little of this Depressing Juice." Anna handed
her a vial of liquid that looked and smelled suspiciously like champagne. "When you do,
he'll be loopier than Lee after Arbor Day, and I would know because he's my ex-lover!"
Anna smiled and waved Julia off, then dragged a mostly-naked Kazuya out of her closet
and started glomping him.
The rain had stopped. Jin looked into the azure skies and wondered if the one true
sweetheart of his life would ever accept his unrequited love. He gazed into the heavens
and saw his beautiful Xiaoyu's face engraved in the clouds. Her expression said "Get the
hell away from me, pervert!" but Jin interpreted it as "Oh, my love, come to me!" Jin rose
to his feet and begged the heavens to give him his love…and was subsequently struck
down repeatedly by lightning bolts. The wind scattered his poor, angsty, stupid ashes all
around.
When Julia got back to the dojo, King was sitting on the floor in a tuxedo, cross-
legged, a huge tray of Prozac Cookies strewn before him. He grinned and beckoned Julia
to sit with him. She did so reluctantly.
"JoooOOoooOlie!" he said, in a manner similar to that of a cow. Julia readied the
Depressing Juice. She pointed over his shoulder and yelled, "Look! A small orphan
child!" King, due to his almost pedophilic obsession with small orphan children, squealed
"Where?!" and looked over his shoulder. While doing so, Julia slipped the Depressing
Juice into his draught of green tea.
"Oh, he's gone. I guess True Ogre must have eaten him already," said King with a tone
of disappointment to his voice. He lifted his glass; Julia looked on anxiously. However,
he turned to her and said "A toast to our long-lasting relationship!" Julia forced a very
disgusted smile and picked up her glass. They tapped their crystal glasses together, but
King, who misestimated his strength, accidentally shattered his glass against hers. The
green tea spilled all over the tray, drenching the Prozac Cookies below.
"Oh, poo! Well, that's okay! I still have Prozac Cookies!" King grinned and chomped
into a slightly wet one. Julia just stared.
Oh no! Julia's plot has failed! In Chapter 2, watch as she implores the help of Nina! Will
she ever escape King's dojo? Will Jin ever receive any sweet lovin' from Xiaoyu? Find
out in the next installment! Baaaaaiiii~ ^_^