This is a strange story I typed a while ago… no flames, please. Thanks! Oh, and I don't own Pirates of the Caribbean. I just wish I did.

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WHAT IF: Davy Jones decided to put his brain in the chest instead of his heart?

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Listen up ye scabrous dogs. Elizabeth the Pirate, that's me, a feared storyteller, has somethin' to say to ye. 'Ave ye ever heard of the monstrous, supernatural Davy Jones? Jones wasn't always a legend…'e used to be a man. Den 'e fell in love wid the sea, see? Der sea scorned him, so 'e cut is 'eart out and put it in a chest…

Well, I'm bored. Say we make him cut out his brain instead, Savvy?

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One day, Davy Jones, who had loved Calypso and then had been hurt when she hadn't loved him back, decided…he needed to forget. He needed to rip out the awful memories of their love…it wasn't worth it, feeling the sorrows that Calypso's absence brought.

Taking a knife, and plunging it deep within his skull, he…

Davy: Down to the depths! The bloody knife wouldn't cut through me skull!

Me: Shush…down Davy, down boy! Okay, fine, I'll change it!

Taking a chainsaw, and plunging it deep within his skull, he…

Davy: Hey! This is…uh… Quietly I hope she believes this… Loudly This is the pirate age! No chainsaws! They aren't canon enough!

Me: Quiet! You're mythical, I can do what I wants with ye, and I'm tellin' the story!

Taking a chainsaw and plunging it deep within his skull, he pulled forth the icky wriggling object that scientific communities call "the brain." Davy shoved it into a chest, then ran out onto the deck, his tentacle beard flapping back and forth.

"Mates!" –He announced to the present crewmen- "Mates, I would like to sing ye a lickle song I've learned!"

Maccus and the rest of the crew looked on in stunned amazement as the Mythical, Legendary, Feared, and even Evil Davy Jones himself, began to tap dance to, of all movies, the Wizard of Oz.

"…If only I had a brain…" Davy belted out, pretending to be a witless scarecrow and doing a very good impression. He blinked, then shouted, "Follow the Yellow Brick Road, yo, Maccus! Make sail! Follow that road!

Davy: I'm not happy...ye make me sound witless! Menacingly Do you fear death?

Me: Me?! Shoo! Ack! Point that tentacle somewhere else...!! Onward, dear readers!

Maccus confusedly looked out to open sea, searching for this "Yellow Brick Road." He couldn't see it. Using a dice, he threw it and muttered, "One fer North, two fer South, three for West, and four for East…five an six I jest decide."

Of course it was a five. "Okay, lads!' barked out Maccus. "Ye heard the Cap'n! Set sail on a…uh…North-Westerly course." He looked over at Davy, who was smiling an idiots' smile and playing with his tentacles.

"Oh, Maccus! We're going to open a pet shop… wid cute lickle bunnie rabbits!"

Maccus groaned. Why him, why? Oh why oh why??

Three hours later, Davy had showed the crew his best impression of Bugs Bunny, waved his hat and pretended to be a cowboy, climbed up the sails and slid down shrieking like a little girl, and, oh, totally and completely alienated the crew for eternity.

"I'm scarred for life, mate," muttered a fishy character to Maccus.

"One problem with that: you're dead. Or…half-dead, as it were."

Davy stopped shrieking. "Where's the Kraken! I wanna see the Kraken."

The crew sighed and miserably started to tug the Kraken-Caller in a circle. It landed with a resounding thump, sending the reverberating tone down, down, down…

The Kraken was not really having a good day. Its best friend Flipper had had a bad hair day, and ended up looking like a piece of seaweed. So the Kraken had eaten the "seaweed". This had given it indigestion, and it was unable to do all the things that monsters normally do...whatever that may be.

So when Davy Jones called at the exact moment that it was delivering the eulogy (and swallowing flowers) for dear departed Flipper, its simple mind snapped.

Davy: My pet…no! The crazy girl has trapped you too in this nightmare of nightmares!

Me: Snickering evilly BWA HA HA HA HA!!!

The Kraken surfaced and glared at Davy angrily. "ROAR!" it roared.

Davy smiled a goofy smile. "Hey, pardner. I jest rode inta town an I wanna tell you somethin'…"

The Kraken lifted an imaginary eyebrow.

Davy drew his hands out of his pockets and pointed them at the Kraken. "Pow! Pow! Bang, bang! You're dead!!" he laughed and sobbed simultaneously.

Then he sobered, looking down at his feet. "Sowie, Krakie. Me notty Davie today… Oooh! Oooh! Build me a restaurant, plz, lyke, now, so, omigosh, right totally now and lyke gt2 n stuff…u r cool… c u l8r!"

The discovery of chat speak was a great discovery, even though it was rather unwanted at the moment.

The only words the Kraken had heard were: build me a restaurant. And, grumbling about nonsensical masters, and cursing itself for obeying Jones in the first place, that's exactly what it did...it was a pizza parlor, was named, "Papa Jones'" and was quite famous for its one-of-a-kind Squid 'n Eyeball Supreme Pizzas.

One year later, the crew had started to accept the fact that Jones was…coughs ahem coughs… special….

Davy: I swear, girl, ye are pushin' it! I will not tolerate this! You owe me yer soul!!!

Me: One, you are pretend. Why am I talking to you, I don't know, but you ARE pretend. Two, I never agreed to any bargain regarding souls, owed or otherwise. Thirdly…uh…I don't know why I need a thirdly, but I do! So there!

Davy: You're not making any sense at all!

Me: Hey, that's Jack's line!

Davy: JACK SPARROW!? YOU KNOW HIM!?!?

Me: Uh, yeah, actually, he was the one that asked me to write this…

Davy: growls

Me: Hey, put down that sword! Wait! No! What are you doing?? NOOOOO!!!

Davy: Hah, now it's my story.

Davy Jones got rid of his tentacles, got Jack Sparrow on his crew, and killed stupid Turner and his lovely lady. Then he ruled the world, killed Becket and Mercer, and forced Calypso to apologize, and everyone was happy…

Me: Davy! That's wrong! I escaped the brig, now give me that story!!!

Muffled noises, including "Thumps" and "Whacks"

Davy: Noo! Nononono!!!!

Me: Hah! My story!

Davy Jones got what he deserved…A long drop and sudden splash. Will married Elizabeth and they were happy because Davy didn't stab Will, so he was fine, and Bootstrap stabbed the heart, so everything was fine. Becket died, duh, and Calypso DID NOT explode into thousands of crabs…too silly. And Caribbean Sundown married Jack Sparrow and was happy….

THE END

Jack: Hey, I want rum! And freedom! And I don't even know you! Why are you here? Why did I marry you? WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON!!

Will: Ahh! Elizabeth, I am happy!

Elizabeth (Turner): And me as well, my darling, adorable Will!

Jack: HELP MEEEEEE!!!!!

Me: FINE!!!

P.S. …And everything reverted because of a magic spell bouncing off some random weather balloon in 2007, striking Caribbean Sundowns' computer, and causing wacky and random events to happen, randomly changing Caribbean Sundown's story about her favorite movie and letting the respective characters get back to their boring, nonsensical lives…