Got a new icon everyone. Made it myself. Pretty awesome, huh?
This is what happens when you're really bored and you want to summarize what you've done this past year in science/health class.
All I can say that this is crack that you can read.
Disclaimer: I don't own Hamtaro.
This is human. I think. It could be hamster or human really.
I was tempted to put this as a chapter for Ham Ham High School, but really? When am I ever going to update that old story? So this is just a oneshot.
This is dedicated to my hamster, Daisy, who just died last week. I miss her so much… God bless her.
Blind People Shouldn't Drive
"Howdy, ya'll!" a certain squinty eyed ham yelled across the science room. It was a bright Monday morning with birds singing and the sunshine spraying its cheery aroma. Howdy had been a little bit earlier than usual and tossed his head up to the clock. 8:10. His squinted eyes widened a little, still allowing only a small amount of light into his eyeballs. The bell wouldn't ring until 8:30. Yup, it was time to start some fun.
"Dexter," Howdy howled, rapping Dexter's already aching head with his knuckles. Laughing at Dexter's crippled figure, he continued annoyingly, "Didn't you hear me, partner? I said hi! I'm here, buddy!"
"Nobody cares," Maxwell said slowly in a monotone, his eyes glued to a Shakespeare book he was holding. Howdy was about to throw a smart retort when Hamtaro ran in the room at full speed, crashing his skull into a nearby wall. Everyone gasped (*cough*Bijou*cough*) or fell off of their chairs from laughing (*cough*Stan*cough*). Hamtaro snapped his head up, seeming unscathed by the hit he'd taken.
"Guys, guys!" the orange-headed boy called, cupping his hands over his mouth to emphasize his point. "I found out something!"
"What is it," Boss yawned, his eyes slowly shutting. Geez, why'd he stay up so late on a Sunday night? At least that crazy old science teacher wasn't here to wake him up from his half-sleep.
Hamtaro stood on his toes and, with narrowed eyes, whispered, "Drivers shouldn't be blind."
Stan, who had finally got up to his chair from the hysterics where Hamtaro nearly killed himself, fell back down on the floor and started laughing again. Panda looked on in sheer amusement.
"Blind people don't drive, Hamtaro," Panda corrected smartly, crossing his legs as he sat on Pashmina's desk. "It's illegal for a blind person to drive anywhere, no matter what the vehicle is."
"How'd you even get that idea, Hamtaro?" Pashmina chortled, continuing her game of tic-tac-toe with Panda, not really paying any more attention to the conversation.
"Okay, so I was at a drive up ATM and I saw brail on the thing," Hamtaro explained. "So what I don't get is why there is brail on the ATM. I mean, a person in a car drives up to get the money, but when there's brail on a piece of plastic, that means blind people go there. So why in the heke is there brail on a drive up ATM?! Blind people shouldn't drive!"
" 'Amtaro, let's just get to our French homework, oui?" Bijou said sweetly, batting her eyelashes. Hamtaro, still out of breath with his last sentence, nodded slowly, panting as he ran up her desk. He pulled up a chair and took out a loose-leaf paper, looking over this week's words. His eyes scanned madly for anything that was familiar and Bijou frowned with worry. It was barely eight o' clock and the boy was already as jumpy as ever.
Meanwhile, Pashmina finished etching out the X on her tic-tac-toe game with Panda. "I won," she chirped. Fiddling with her scarf, a mischievous gleam lit her eye. "You know what that means?"
Panda gulped and mentally slapped himself for letting her get away with that last move. His face went red as Pashmina slowly started leaning towards him, eyes starting to close as she crumpled up the paper. Panda slowly opened his mouth, shutting his eyes tight. His heart pounded with anticipation as he stuck his tongue out. Oh, God, he wanted this so bad, to prove himself to his friends that he had the right stuff. Dexter and Howdy were going to eat their words as he bent over Pashmina, their lips less than two inches apart. Out of the corner of his eye that he opened to sneak a peek at the dirty blonde, he could see Pashmina wink at him, whispering into his ear, "You lost. Now you gotta pay. My way."
With that said, she grabbed him by the neck and with full force, Pashmina then-
"OWWWWWWWW!!!!" Panda screamed at the top of his lungs.
-Papercut his tongue with the tic-tac-toe paper.
"Ha!" Pashmina yelled, giddy as a bluebird. "Just don't drink any lemonade, carpenter. You'll burn that tongue out."
Panda stuck out his tongue, not at Pashmina, but trying to eye a glimpse of the cut. "Ith the' any bwood?"
Pashmina giggled. "No, no I don't see any. Wasn't that awesome? I mean, look, you can handle any pain!"
Panda tried to smile, looking like an idiot with his tongue still sticking out. "I jus' waned to thee if anyone elth could handle it."
Pashmina rustled his hair, still smiling. "It's payback for when you tripped me in fifth grade. You sprained my ankle, you big idiot."
"Okay," Oxnard said, clapping his hands as Jingle and Cappy approached him. It was a daily routine as the three both shared an interest in something: food. "Today, if you answer my trivia question right, you'll get Skittles."
Cappy raised his hand. "Will we get the tropical kind?"
"No!" Jingle screamed. "I want, like, the sour skittles!"
"I hate sour stuff!" retorted Cappy.
"Fine! Then get us smoothie skittles!" Jingle huffed, pouting with a dark look on his face.
"No, chocolate, I like chocolate!"
"Sicko, the chocolate ones are nasty!"
"So are the sour and the smoothie ones!"
"YOU'RE GETTING SKITTLES OKAY?!" Oxnard bellowed and waved his arms around in the air, uncharacteristically angry.
"Skittles?!" Stan yelled.
"Skittles?!" Bijou gasped.
"…Skittles…" Snoozer droned on. "Taste the friggn' rainbow…"
"I want the regular kind!" Boss screamed.
"No, I want chocolate!"
"Cappy, you're a sick, sick, boy!"
"I vould like some crazy core skittles."
"Frenchie French French, you're so weird! The Fizzy skittles are the best!"
"GO BACK TO WHATEVER YOU PEOPLE ARE DOING BEFORE YOU WASTE ANY MORE OF MY LIFE!" Oxnard yelled, standing up. Everyone shut up quickly. If Oxnard got angry, he could sit on you and you would die.
Hamtaro was ready to rip his eyes out of their sockets. The French exam was today and he hadn't learned anything more than "Bonjour" and "Oui!" and "Stupid American!", all of which Bijou said 24/7. He just couldn't learn French, there wasn't enough room in his cranium for it. Bijou had soon given up on sentences and just started showing him French words you could see in America like a la carte or something Frenchish like that.
The French girl scribbled down a word or two on Hamtaro's homework, reading it out loud. "Petit dejeuner. Eet means breakfast wiz a side of coffee and a roll. Now you try. Remember, petit dejeuner."
Hamtaro squinted to see the words and, eyes sparkling to impress his foreign friend, he said, "…A tit."
"What?!" Maxwell howled, snapping his eyes up from his book. "What's wrong with you guys, we haven't even reached health class yet! My gosh, we haven't even started school!"
"Ve are learning French!" Bijou snarled, angry at Maxwell's intervene with her… perfectly normal conversation.
"You dirty French people…" Maxwell hissed. "What kind of word is-"
" 'Amtaro mispronounced eet, okay?" Bijou huffed, desperation prickling onto her pale skin.
"But it says a tit."
"You are not 'elping, mon ami!" Bijou whirled around and chastised Hamtaro for even opening his mouth. Mon dieu, going out with Boss didn't sound so bad right now…
Maxwell rolled his eyes and was quick to return his book, as this would be considered a normal conversation at lunch. Geez, if only some people would just let him relax in a learning environment, where it was supposed to be quiet. Everyone was doing their own thing, Panda and Pashmina arm wrestling, Dexter and Howdy arguing, Boss and Snoozer asleep, Sandy and Cappy fighting over a bag of skittles, Bijou ready to slap Hamtaro, and Stan texting something. The bookworm felt a little pride in him for keeping his own sanity as he sighed contently at reading.
"Hiya, Maxwell!"
Maxwell closed his eyes. Good god, why him?
Stan put him in a headlock and noogied his head, causing the brown hair strands to stick straight up. The strawberry blonde boy laughed happily as Maxwell rapidly smoothed his hair out, failing at working out the snags and knots formed. After so many seconds of pain and even more tangles, the bookworm gave up, closing his book and crossing his arms. He gave a stern look at Stan who just grinned back.
"What do you want, Stan?" Maxwell sighed, rubbing his temple.
"Oh, I'm just here to throw away your binder," Stan mused, shrugging his shoulders. "I ran out of loose leaf paper. I'll just get some new binder." He pointed at the binder now dumped away in the recycle bin. Maxwell snorted. Of course he didn't just put an entire binder with unrecyclable items in a recycle bin. The brunette stood from his seat and reached into the bin, picking up the frayed binder and placing it neatly in the trashcan.
"I'm worried for you when you become an adult, Stan," Maxwell huffed, turning around to the boy addressed. "You'll have a car that's out of gas and just say 'Oh, it's out of gas… I'll just get a new car.'" Maxwell snickered at this thought while Stan glared in his direction. He continued quoting future stupid things that Stan would say in the near future. " 'I forgot to dust my house… I'll just get a new one.'. 'My kids are dirty… I'll just get new ones-"
"At least I don't have OCD!" Stan snapped back, stopping Maxwell before he could say anything else. "I swear, man, when you go to a park, you're like this. There's a squirrel in the first tree. There's a squirrel in the second tree. But when you look at the third tree, there's no squirrel and you'll run all over town to put a squirrel in that third three!"
"Rapist!" Maxwell taunted.
"Book-rapist!" retorted Stan.
"Player!"
"… Book player!"
"… What…?"
"Wow, they're starting to fight like Howdy and Dexter," Sandy noted, taking a seat next to Boss, who looked to be a little lonely.
Boss stretched and yawned. "Don't you want to stop them, Sandy? I mean, it is your brother and best friend. But I thought you had a crush on Ma-"
"Shut up, helmet head!" Sandy shushed, clapping her hand over Boss's mouth. Boss rolled his eyes and continued to watch the brawl between Maxwell and Stan. He then drifted over to where Bijou was banging her head onto the wall when Hamtaro lamely pronounced all of the French homework. Boss frowned. If only Bijou had actually agreed to going to see a movie with him.
"Hey, did you, like, hear that new song by Rihanna?" Sandy was trying to start some sort of conversation after Boss had spaced out on her.
"Oh, yeah, Rihanna got beat up," Boss replied bluntly. "That was bad."
Sandy stared and Boss was quick to notice this. "What?" he said, defending himself.
Sandy shook her head. "Duh, it's bad! You don't have to say it was bad because it was obviously totally bad."
"But it was bad, wasn't it?"
"You're worse than Hamtaro!"
"Quack?!" Hamtaro yelled across the room.
"Mon dieu!" Bijou screamed, pulling her pigtails crazily. "Eet is que! To say what, just say three letters! Q-U-E!!"
At that point, Bijou starting ranting in French. Everyone stared and Boss, to get his crush's mind off of things, he said, "Rihanna got beat up. That was bad."
"Maxwell's getting beat up," Howdy noted. "That's not bad."
"Shut up, you illiterate redneck!" Maxwell yelled, pointing his finger at the southerner. Stan had managed to trip Maxwell and shove an eraser in his face. Maxwell threw a punch and Stan stumbled back, dazed for a second. The bookworm whirled back to Howdy and glared at him. "Or else, I'll shove that dictionary so far up your- AHHHHH!!!!"
Stan had managed to threw Maxwell's book into the brunette's face, flinging it at full force. As Cappy sang, "Oh, totally pwned!", Maxwell gave out a war cry and tackled Stan to the ground, the fight beginning again.
"RIHANNA GOT BEAT UP, THAT WAS BAD," Boss announced.
"I LIKE SKITTLES!" Jingle cheered.
"BLIND PEOPLE SHOULDN'T DRIVE!" Hamtaro joined it. He thought for a moment, bringing a finger to his cheek. "I also don't see what the big deal is about a tits."
"MON DIEU, SACRE BLEU, *censoring the rest of the French cursing*"
"I LET MY DOG REDROCKET ME!" Howdy yelled.
Even the cricket was silent as everyone whirled around at hurricane speed to see if what they heard was true or not. Maxwell and Stan were still in a bit of a fight until Howdy droned on.
"Yeah, I remember Hannah, my cousin, ya'll know her, recorded it onto her phone. I was like 'Come 'ere, Stanley, come 'ere!'" Howdy laughed weakly, wishing he hadn't exactly said what he just said. All heads turned to Stan.
"Dude!" Stan gasped, throat dry as Maxwell hit him in the head with an eraser. "Why, why, why, why… Why did you name your dog Stanley?!?"
"I-It was before I actually knew all of ya'll," Howdy defended, backing up against a wall. "I had to name the guy something!"
"Wait, wait, wait," Dexter said, forcing his head right to left. "So what you're saying is that you let Stanley rape you. And you made Hannah film that?!"
Right when Dexter was talking, the teacher, Mr. Spat walked into the room, his coffee brought to his mouth, but soon spat out as he listened to his students' conversations.
"… There will be no humping in this class, you porn freaks," Mr. Spat hissed. Hamtaro ran up to him.
"Teacher, teacher!" The red head waved both his hands in the air. "Why do ATM's have brail because I don't think blind people should drive. Also, French people have funny words like a tit."
Bijou ran out of the room and knocked smack into the history teacher, kept running and said, "Stupid Americans and zheir stupid history!"
"Rihanna got beat up! That was bad!" Boss boomed.
Sandy ran out of the room and knocked smack into the geometry teacher, but kept running and yelled back, "Geometry is for squares!"
"I want skittles!" Jingle and Cappy chorused.
They ran out of the room and tackled the lunch lady, forcing her to show them where the teacher's lounge was so they could get their greedy little fingers onto some candy.
"Maxwell owes me math homework!" Stan howled.
Maxwell pushed Stan out of the room, who ran into the principal. "You pushed Mr. Spat off a two story building again, Stanley?" the principal asked the young delinquent.
"The British are coming, the British are coming!" Panda yelled and ran out of the room, only to get as far as five feet as he collided headfirst into a wall, falling unconscious.
"I hate my life!" Mr. Spat yelled and jumped out of the window and committed suicide. Too bad they were only on the first floor and he just kinda flopped onto the grass.
"Howdy, you shouldn't drive because you have squinty eyes and that is just as bad as a blind person driving. So I recommend you don't get an ATM account," Hamtaro said. "Also, I don't think you even see the dog you were 'redrocketing'. Whatever that means…"
Okay, yes I know that was HORRIBLE.
Oh, well! Until next time!
-sxmfan :3