Leave A Light On
"Tell me what's been happening, what's been on your mind
Lately you've been searching for a darker place
To hide, that's alright
But if you carry on abusing, you'll be robbed from us
I refuse to lose another friend to drugs
Just come home, don't let go
And I know you don't know oh, but I need you to be brave
Hiding from the truth ain't gonna make this all okay
I'll see your pain if you don't feel our grace
And you've lost your way
I will leave the light on
I will leave the light on
'Cause I will leave the light on"
Tom Walker "Leave a Light On"
Shay stood leant up against the doorframe in the doorway of Kelly's bedroom seeing the man asleep, or more correctly passed out on his bed, and an empty blister pack in his hand. She thought he was getting himself sorted, she thought he was getting the help he needed but he wasn't, he had lied. He had become the very thing that he despised yet he was too blind to see it. And maybe she had been too, had been too loyal, had been too desperate to save him, save him from the guilt, the sadness, and the anger that he felt after Andy's death. But even she knew this couldn't go on. She wasn't willing to watch him hurt himself, or even worse kill himself. And she wasn't going to be the one to enable him anymore.
She moved further into the room, and picked up the blanket from the end of the bed. She eased the empty blister pack out of his hand and let it fall down to the bedside table before she spread the blanket over him. She sat down on the edge of the bed and looked at him, really looked at him. She noticed the dark circles under his eyes, and wondered how much of a toll the hiding and the pretending was taking on him. She continued her visual assessment, seeing his other hand tense and un-tense involuntarily even in his sleep.
How big of a role did I play in this? She asked herself as she watched him sleep. The only small grace was that he wasn't in pain for once but she knew that was due to the drugs, due to the painkillers that she still hadn't figured out how he had been getting his hands on them. She already knew the answer to her own question. She had helped him hide, helped him cover up the injury, had gone so far as to perjure herself after giving him narcotics. She had pushed him to get help, to see a doctor and he had but it had only pushed him further away. In that moment, she realised just how lost he had become, how lost he really was. She also knew that she couldn't watch him lose anymore of himself, she couldn't watch him stay in the dark place he was in.
She stood up, placed a soft kiss on his forehead like he had done to her so many times before, and then walked out of his bedroom, closing the door behind herself. She walked into her own room and began to pack her duffle bag, having decided to stay with Dawson whilst she found herself a place to live. She couldn't watch the person she loved the most in the world waste away anymore.
Yet, after she had packed, she found herself leant up against the doorframe in his doorway again watching him. She wished she could make it all better, take all his pain away forever. She wanted him back but a part of her knew that she would never get him back completely, that a part of him had died with Andy the day he died. Her resolve to leave him was crumbling but she knew she had to be strong for them both. She had to leave him, he had to be the one to help himself, to reach out. And she would be there, she would be the first to help once the realisation hit. For now, all she could do was leave.