(A/N: YAY MY VERY FIRST BONES FANFIC! I've been watching the show and reading the fanfics for over a year, but I never felt like I knew the characters well enough to write about them. But now, I'm at the point where I've watched each episode thrice over at least, I've seen the deleted scenes and whatnot, and I feel like they're my best friends. And this scene - the Daredevil in the Mold scene - it was inspiring to the point where I couldn't rest until I banged this out. Oh, and also, I like Hannah. I'm a BnB shipper, all the way, but I like Hannah as a person. I think her character's very well-developed, and I especially like her relationship with Brennan. So she's not the villain here - not the good guy, either, of course, but a human being. Just as human as Bones or Booth. I hope you give it a chance, and, dare I say it, I hope you enjoy this little piece.)
"Hey, soldier."
The words cut over the gentle lapping of water in the Reflecting Pool, and Booth turned around, a smile already on his lips. Hannah was here. And she looked even more beautiful than she had this morning, if that was even possible. "Whoa-oh," Booth chuckled appreciatively, glad to see his girlfriend at last.
"You looking for a good time?" she asked playfully, twirling around to show off her new coat.
"Yeah, look – at – you! Wow!" Booth exclaimed, his eyes taking in not just the new coat but the bright eyes and golden hair of the person wearing the coat. As he kissed her, he wondered how he had been so fortunate to find someone like Hannah. Being with her, moments like this made him feel like there had never been anyone else. That those other two times had never happened. That this time, it was going to work out all right.
Hannah looked back at Seeley, and was struck yet again by the eager loyalty in his eyes. It was a quality she had yet to find in any other man, a sort of shining devotion, as if his life's mission was to protect her from the world. It always made her feel slightly guilty, a constant reminder that Seeley gave her much more of himself than she could ever give him. "You didn't answer the question," Hannah pouted prettily just as her lips touched his.
"I – um," Booth stammered, a broad smile stretching over his features as he realized here was the segue he had been looking for. He had planned on waiting a few more days, or at least a few more hours, but her words felt like a sign, and suddenly he couldn't wait even another second.
"I – I thought I was looking for a good time, but the truth is, I think I'm in for a little more," Booth told Hannah, the words tumbling out in a rush. He barely had time to register that those last eight words had been exactly what he had told Rebecca about ten years ago, after she became pregnant with Parker.
"Don't underestimate a good time," Hannah retorted lightly, trying not to let the smile leave her lips. This sounded suspiciously like a…proposal, of sorts, but she wasn't allowing herself to jump to conclusions. Last time she'd thought that, he'd just brought home new toothbrushes. Maybe now it's a matching bath set with blue toilet seat covers, she hoped desperately.
Booth looked down at Hannah, her words barely registering in his head. "Yeah, I was gonna – " he began, then smiled and shook himself out of it. He couldn't jump straight into Yeah, I was gonna ask you to marry me. That sounded more like a joke than a proposal.
"You know what, I was gonna wait, but – I, um, I love you, Hannah," he started over, clutching the little velvet box tightly in his hands. There, her smile widened a bit, that was more like it, that was a good beginning for this sort of thing. Even though something in that last sentence sounded a little off, like he'd gotten the tune right but sung the wrong words. Don't be stupid, he mentally chided himself. Third time lucky, remember?
"When I met you, I really honestly wondered if I was ever going to meet – anyone again," Booth continued, ducking his head down for a moment so there was no chance Hannah could see how much that last rejection – Bones' rejection – still stung, despite all that had happened between.
Oh no, Hannah thought, that sense of foreboding increasing. She was right. Seeley was proposing. There was no other reason why he'd tell her he loved her like that. And there was no way she could say no without absolutely breaking his heart. His words confirmed it – he'd already gone through one such rejection before – what would he do when she turned him down as well?
Because she had to turn him down. There was absolutely no doubt in Hannah's mind on that matter. She loved Seeley, unquestionably, but marriage – marriage wasn't just love, it was commitments, it was family, and, knowing Seeley, he'd want kids, and she just couldn't give him all that. She wasn't ready for marriage – she didn't know if she ever would be. She wasn't the marrying kind, she'd told him before. She thought they'd gotten that clear from the start. And yet, here they were.
"Seeley," Hannah began frantically, hoping to stop him before it was too late. But there it was. The ring. It was huge. And sparkly. And a symbol of lifetime's worth of commitments – something that intimidated Hannah much more than any gun-wielding terrorist in Afghanistan ever did. "Oh my god," she muttered, more to herself than to him as she realized how much thought – and money – he had put into this.
Booth held the box as though it held a fragile egg rather than a ring. "Marry me," he said simply, looking eagerly up at Hannah. "I want you to be my wife," he clarified, unable to suppress the little smile that came onto his face at that word. Wife. He had never had a wife. Father, mother, brother, son, friends, partner, yes. Wife, never.
Hannah stared up at Seeley's face, nonplussed by the turn the evening had taken. "I – " she stammered, unable to form a coherent sentence. How was she going to explain that yes, she loved him too, but, no, she couldn't possibly marry him?
"Oh, Seeley," Hannah sighed. The feeling of guilt, of shame, weighed down upon her, even heavier than before. It was irrational; technically, she had done nothing wrong. But still, the night would end with her hurting someone she loved. "I love you – I really do. But I can't."
Booth was still waiting for the smile, the nod, the 'yes' that would make all the past 'no's' fade into oblivion. But it didn't come. Slowly, with a horrifying sense of having made a complete fool out of himself, he realized that she, too, was saying no.
And her reason? "I'm just not the marrying kind."
Of all the bullshit in the world. That was even worse than Rebecca's "I'm too proud to marry just because I'm knocked up", or even Bones' "I don't want to hurt you, so I can't even give you a chance."
"Well, I am," Booth reminded her. And he wanted to marry and settle down, dammit. Wasn't this what men were supposed to do? When the hell had it gotten so hard to get a woman to say yes?
"I know, I know you are," Hannah hastily interrupted him. On some level, she had known this would come between them someday. She just hadn't anticipated how soon it would be. "I just thought we had more time before we got to this."
More time for what? More time to get to know each other. More time to do things that married people couldn't do. More time to change his mind. More time before she left.
More time. That was the one thing that Booth didn't have. Sweets was right. Most men Booth's age were married. Hodgins was married - about to be a father. Sweets, who was more than ten years younger than Booth, was semi-engaged to Daisy. Hell, even Booth's little brother was engaged. It was about time for Booth to get a move on too.
"I'm sorry," Hannah whispered, torn. The usual devoted glow in his eyes had been snuffed out like a candle in a gale once the word 'can't' had left her mouth. His expression was the worst – a dull, uncomprehending look. The journalist inside her struggled to describe it, but the closest she could come up with was 'devastated,' and even that seemed like the understatement of the century. "I'm so sorry."
She was sorry. The fact registered in Booth's brain as sincere. She was sincerely saying sorry after sincerely rejecting his proposal. It was true, she hadn't ever lied to him about anything. He had known from the beginning she wouldn't take kindly to the idea. But somewhere deep inside, he'd always assumed that living together, meeting his kid, seeing how great his life was, would somehow change her mind.
That was why he had never given her a reason to say no. He had never told her the worst parts – not about his long-gone gambling addiction, not about the coma – nothing that would scare her away. He had presented to her a man any woman would love to marry. But then why was she refusing him?
Because it wasn't like she was Bones. Hannah knew society, she knew it was an expected convention for two people who were already living together to someday get a move on and get married. She had to have known, she had to have figured that this wasn't long coming. And yet, she was saying no.
Booth could see that, in her mind, it was already determined. She would not get married, and that was that. It was an iron will that Booth had seen three too many times. But he stopped himself from comparing Hannah to Bones, or to Rebecca. It would be too painful. It already was too painful to look at Hannah and experience that déjà vu thrice over. So he turned away, staring back into the Reflecting Pool at a reject holding a ring.
Watching Seeley turn his back so decisively on her made Hannah feel even more wretched than she already did. He wasn't going to laugh this off; she had known Booth long enough to realize that. But to be so shocked that he couldn't even look at her, or say something to her, even if it was to yell – it cut deeply.
She hated this feeling, this strange sense of shame. Seeley Booth was a good man. He didn't deserve to be rejected yet again, especially not by her, someone he had trusted. Someone he loved.
Slowly, hesitantly, Hannah approached Seeley's side, and tried not to feel hurt that he flinched slightly as her shoulder grazed his. "What happens now?" she asked. But both of them knew she really meant, Are we still together?
Booth didn't really know the answer to either question. He wasn't the guy with the answers, he was the guy with the action. Who took gambles. Who did things without thinking. Maybe that's why everything fell to pieces for him. But even if I thought about it for ages, Booth realized, I could never be together with Hannah after this. He couldn't have her playing the role of his 'wife,' living in his house, sharing his bed, if she never intended to actually become his wife.
"What do you think happens now?" Booth asked, more than a trace of bitterness in his voice. Two people living together had two options – eventually get married, or eventually break up. Marriage had been negated. Only one option left.
The tone in his voice was one Hannah recognized, but refused to acknowledge. "Can't we just go back?" she pleaded instead, her voice getting huskier as she held back tears. "I'll walk in here. You tell me how good I look. I say "Thank you." We kiss. We'll have a nice dinner like - like this never happened. We - we can go back," she told Seeley desperately, trying to convince herself with her own words.
Booth looked at Hannah, wondering if this was really the woman that, five minutes ago, he'd thought he loved. The hope in her face made him even angrier. Those four words – "We can go back" – had infuriated him more than anything else Hannah had said. He felt his opinion of her plunge drastically. Did she think his feelings were that immaterial, that he could just forget another rejected proposal? Did she think he was really that content with just drifting along, being Hannah's boyfriend, but never wanting anything more?
Now here was where Hannah and Bones were very different. Booth couldn't help but make the comparison. Bones would never have asked to go back. Bones would never lie to herself – or to him - like that. She knew how to face up to the consequences of her actions. How had he thought of Hannah as anything similar to Bones? How had he thought of her as better than Bones? How had he ever thought of her as the one for him, the future Mrs. Booth?
Hannah wondered how, even after Seeley finally met her eyes, she felt even worse than before. She had done something unpardonable, Hannah could see that from the tight, drawn lines in his face. "Okay," she nodded, looking away from Seeley. There was really no use in her talking right now. Everything that escaped her mouth was the wrong thing to say. "Your turn. What happens now?"
Pride stopped Booth from answering. He couldn't admit it out loud, how big of a mistake he'd made. Inviting her to live with him, introducing her to his son, telling her about Bones. Oh god. He'd bared his soul about even that thing to her, the thing he considered his biggest secret, even bigger than his gambling or his tumor, all to prove his devotion to her. He'd broken that 'what's ours is ours' rule for her, he'd hurt Bones in countless different ways, all for a woman who wouldn't marry him, dammit.
Hannah stared hard at his face, willing his head to turn, to say something cute like, It doesn't matter, baby, as long as you're with me. Something that would give her some claim over him again. But he continued to look down at the Pool, and his taut silhouette told her everything his mouth didn't.
"I'll get my stuff out of your place," she whispered, praying that this would be the wake-up call, that he'd turn and say that wasn't what he wanted.
"How much time do you need?" The answer stung Hannah a bit, but that guilty feeling inside her told her Seeley was probably hurting even more.
"To get out of your place… or to get over you?" she asked, looking at him with one last futile hope.
Booth kept his face immobile, resisting the urge to retort cuttingly. It wasn't that hard to get over people. He'd done it at least twice before. He was going to have to do it again.
Hannah held her breath, waiting for something…but something never came. Letting her breath free in a single whooshing sigh, she turned away from the most incredible man she had ever met. As she stepped away, she heard an answering sigh, a sigh full of pain that wrenched at her heart once more. She swiveled around, but Seeley still stood as before, pointedly looking away. But something about him, maybe the way his shoulders sagged a little like a heavy load was burdening him, emboldened her to step close once more.
"I do love you, Seeley," Hannah whispered, and she knew it was true. "I don't think we're done," she pressed on. His shoulders stiffened imperceptibly. "But I can see we're done for now," Hannah concluded sadly. Her throat hurt from repressing her tears, her guilt.
She felt ashamed, dirty, at having rejected Seeley. But she also knew that the morning she woke up married would be the worst day of her life. She wished there were some other way to prove her love, something that didn't require lifelong commitment. "I'm just not the marrying kind," she faltered once more, a vain attempt to explain herself.
"You already said that." Booth's voice was sharp, even to his own ear. But all he really wanted was for Hannah to go, to leave him alone with his despair. And maybe a drink or two.
"I've said it plenty of times before," Hannah replied, feeling the need to defend herself. "I guess…you weren't listening." And that, right there, was the summary of their relationship. Neither really listening to what the other had to say.
The truth of her words struck Booth, and he realized, not for the first time, how much he had misjudged Hannah. He had idealized her, made her out to be a sort of Brennan 2.0, intelligent, beautiful, confident, but with no walls, no bars between her and the rest of humanity. Only now was he realizing that the bars had been there the whole time – they just blended in a little better.
Hannah closed her eyes, wishing with all her might that when she opened them, she might see a different Seeley, the Seeley of ten minutes ago who told her she was beautiful and kissed her. But when she opened her eyes, the same despondent man stood before her. And she suddenly realized that no matter what, she would never be the one who could make him feel better.
And so, she left. This time, she didn't turn back, because she didn't want him to see the tears streaking down her face as she left behind her yet another life.
Booth heard her leave, and suddenly, he felt old. Tired. Used. His head bowed down and his gaze came to rest upon his hands, still clutched around the stupid ring box. And suddenly, something Bones had told him a few weeks ago surfaced to his mind. Something about the universe sending each person dim, staticky messages. Only this time, the message was neither dim nor staticky. Three strikes, you're out. Booth would never propose again.
And with that last angry thought, he flung the ring box into the deep dark pool, watching intently as it splashed down and sank through the water like his heart.
(A/N: Sigh. Poor Booth. His face at the end killed me. And then his talk with Bones...sigh... which will be coming up in a chapter or two! Bones is in the next one - it's when Hannah calls Bones to let her know what happened. Please review, and tell me what you think! Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed!)