Summary: Pam writes Sookie a list of things she doesn't know about Eric. The title is self explanatory, random silliness found. Bill bashing abounds but all done in good fun.
Rating: T for language and suggestion
Author: wicked18writer
Spoilers: There are some references made to books but if you just watch the show you'll get it.
A/N: No beta and didn't even re-read before posting so spelling and grammar mistakes should be thought as intentional and or computer errors.
Dear Sookie,
After hearing you whine about Eric keeping secrets from you for the hundredth time, I've decided to take matters into my own hands, so here's a list of 55 things you don't know about Eric Northman.
Love, Pam
Begin each sentence on the list with 'Eric':
1 Likes to listen to yodeling
2 Once dressed up as Batman for Halloween, complete with nipple protruding body suit, cape, and ears
3 Once attempted to kill a werewolf during battle using only a rolled up newspaper, and stern voice
4 Thinks Bill is lame, in 'life' and in the sack and no he doesn't know from first hand experience as to Bills lackluster bedroom skills, he has however collected the testimony of several of Bill's previous bedmates who can attest to the fact that Bill is shit in bed
5 Enjoys spread rumors about the shifter Sam Merlotte and his questionable sexual orientation by claiming that he is dating…
6. …Jeff Probst host of survivor
7 Prefers eating bankers to lawyers, morally speaking, as there is no real difference taste wise
8 Likes to watch women shave their legs, but not their underarms or their nether regions
9 Doesn't not like to wear pink spandex except in the pursuit of pussy
10 Wore black nail polish for about 3 years during the grunge era of the 90's
11 Has never had sex with a fangbanger in a public bathroom stall….
12 …. Except for the handicapped ones
13 If forced would have sex with your friends in this order from most appealing to least appealing, Jason, Claudine/Claude, Me (Pam), Sam, Amelia, Tara, Quinn, Alcide, Arlene, Terry, and lastly Bill
14 Has never eaten a live rat or rodent of any kind as he was forced to as a human to avoid starving and now equates the action with degradation, also likes small fuzzy animals and doesn't enjoy killing them, unless they are Were's or shifters
15 Eric has exchanged goods and or services for sexual favors with politicians…
16 … Cops…
17 ….Judges….
18 ….Lawyers…
19 ….And Fangtasia Delivery men
20 Owned a 'good looking people only' nudist colony in the early 70's
21 Has a calendar in his office that keeps track of all the waitress's monthly menstrual cycles, so he can avoid having sex with them as he finds the female discharge tangy in taste and icky and gross
22 Thinks that Bill is really gay which is why he made such a shitty boyfriend
23 Also thinks that Bill suffers from sexual repression
24 Commanded Bill to run around Fangtasia screaming "My name is Bill Compton and I am a sexually repressed homosexual who sucks in bed"
25 Used to sing 'Barbie Girl' by Aqua whenever I (Pam) walked into the room during the 90's
26 Used to sing 'Uptown Girl' by Billy Joel whenever I walked into the room during the 80's
27 Used to sing 'Go Away Little Girl' by Donnie Osmond whenever I walked into the room during the 70's
28 Used to sing 'My Girl' whenever I walked into the room during the 60's
29 Now sings 'Naughty Girl' by Beyonce when I enter a room
30 Once liberated his gracious plenty from the constricting force that is his pants while you were sitting across from the booth from him causing said constriction
31 Considered hired a unqualified waitress named Maryann just so he could have her work the same shift with Ginger
32 Always preferred Samantha from 'Bewitched' to Jeannie from 'I Dream of Jeannie', as Eric is a fan of originality and not slavery
33 Paid Ginger to sit down at a table with Bill and burst into tears and run from the room crying after shouting "I accept that your gay, why can't you? Stop living in the gay coffin Bill!"
34 Secretly wishes he could be a shape shifter so he could fly like an eagle or soar like a bird, even though it's redundant as he can fly in vampiric form anyway.
35 Has told fangbangers that he is related to Legolas from LOTR…
36 …And Gene Simmons…
37 …And President Obama…
38 Talks in the third person when he doesn't get his way
39 Got Bill a jar of leeches for Christmas with a card that said 'You suck too!"
40 Enjoys mocking fangbangers who wear leather pants that chafe as they do an awkward wedge-picker type dance that is very amusing
41 Prefers Christina Aguleria's vocals to that of Brittney Spears…
43. …Would also turn Christina over Brittney…
44 …Also does not understand the appeal of Brittney Spears at all
45 Eric once grabbed my purse and gave it to a patron at Fangtasia to throw up in, as he was worried some offshoot spittle might land on his clean floors before the tipsy miscreant reached the facilities
46 Enjoys playing 'why are you hitting your self' with Bill…
47 …And Alcide…
48 …And Quinn…
49 Throws the board in the air and has a hissy fit when losing 'Risk the Game of World Domination'
50 Eric likes horses but has never had sex with one…
51 …Or any animal for that matter…as far as I know
52 Likes to shake his groove thing
53 Wrote and illustrated several children's books entitled "One of my Two Mommies Is a Vampire" and "Your Not Going to College Cause Your Attitude Sucks!" and "How to Kill Your Enemy like a Real Viking" and "10 Reasons Why the Monster in Your Closet Will Kill You Before You Have to Worry About Swine Flu" and "Oh The Things People Will Do In The Name Of A Mysterious Working God"
54 Would like to have sex with the both of us at the same time, this would make a delightful Christmas or various other holiday present, nudge, nudge, wink, wink
55 Will never say I love you first so, your gonna have to man up my telepathic friend.
PLEASE REVIEW
A/N: Inspired by but not stolen from the indifferent child of earth's 51 Things Emmett Cullen Is Not Allowed To Do. Which I highly recommend.
Check out my other fic 50 Things Jason Stackhouse Is Not Allowed To Think if you like this one.
Also If You LIKED THIS REVIEW! You could even just write 'Yay' which would most certainly make my day. I assure you!