Beyond

by carlycarter

Mostly just a story about Bo and Kenzi.

1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

I admit it took a long time for me to warm to this show and these characters. I really didn't like Bo when I started this story, but somehow by the end I couldn't help but love her. I have twisted the characters and stories to suit my plot, and apologise in advance for messing with the characters as they were on the show. I hope you will enjoy anyway.

Thanks for reading :)

Chapter 1
Kenzi

They will NOT take you alive

Realistically, you may not get out of this one alive. You can accept that. What you can not accept is that you're last act on earth will be giving those two idiotic lunatics the satisfaction of re-capturing you. It was pure luck you managed to get away. Luck, and the fact that your captors were incredibly stupid and naive. He had unchained you, simply because you promised him you wouldn't run away. What a moron! Still, not even he is dumb enough to make the same mistake twice. If they catch you this time, you won't get another chance. This is it, Kenzi. What are you gonna do? You would rather die than find yourself back in their clutches, chained up like an animal. So you cling desperately to those words, those last fighting words from the little voice inside your head.

They will not take you alive, Kenzi. They simply will not.

How you despise that little voice in your head. All you want really is to close your eyes and believe that all of this is a dream. You just want to sleep, just for a little bit. Just take a moment and pretend none of this is real. But that little voice won't let you be. That little voice that's never let you give up on anything in your life.

If you don't want to be taken alive, what the hell are you doing, sitting here feeling sorry for yourself? Get up and fight! Or run for your life. Do something. Don't just sit here waiting to get caught. If you don't want to be captured, you need to move!

You know you the voice is right. You need to get up off your ass and do something, make a decision, while you still have options. But for the first time in your life you don't feel like fighting, or running, or holding on to anything. You feel like just staying right here and doing nothing. You feel like letting go.

You always wondered what that must feel like- giving up. You had seen it in other people. Seen hopelessness, helplessness. It was so sad, So pathetic. How could anyone let themselves fall that far? How could they screw things up so badly to not even want to try to hold onto something good? Or fight for something better? How could they find it so easy to just give everything up? To let go of hope?

You know the answer now. How it can happen in an instant, creeping up on you when you least expect it. How suddenly everything you value turns to dust and blows away. And the worst part – there isn't even anyone to blame. There's no one to be angry at. All the blame lands right at your very own trembling feet.

It's All. Your. Fault. You're always screwing up.

That's not new, though, it is? It's what you've always done. Screwed up, Caused trouble, walked right in to dangerous situations with your eyes wide open and just expected it would be ok.

It usually was ok, that's the thing. You seemed to be blessed, or cursed, with the ability to survive the most unbelievable situations. No matter how badly you messed up, it worked out just fine. You weren't even the teeniest bit afraid anymore, not even when you should be. Because nothing could touch you. Not anymore, not now that you have Bo. She gave you courage, isn't that what you said to Baba Yaga. You weren't that scared little girl anymore, because of Bo. It wasn't strictly true though. It might look that way from the outside. Like you were just a lowly pathetic human and you were so very lucky to have Bo to fight all your battles for you. It might look like Bo turned you into a survivor. But you had been a survivor long before Bo came along. Once upon a time you fought your own battles, and won. You did that, you climbed out of the gutter and decided that no one was going to bring you down. Bo didn't really save you from anything.

It's the opposite, actually. Bo is the one who shattered you. Bo turned you into this weak pathetic person who needed to be rescued. Bo did this, all of this, its all her fault really, when you stop to think about it. Bo is to blame for all of it. That's much better , isn't it? To blame her. It takes the guilt away from you. And it's so much better to hate her, isn't it? Why does hating her feel so much better than love?

You can't hate her though, not really. She never meant any harm. She wasn't trying to hurt you. She didn't do anything exactly wrong. All she had done was care about you. All she had done was value you more than her own life, which she risked time and time over to save yours. All she had done was love you enough to go to the ends of the earth and beyond to save you. How can you blame her for anything when she has loved you so selflessly?

Selfless? Bo? You must be kidding. Bo did all that for herself! She didn't do it for you! She is so dependant on you- she wanted to spare herself the grief of losing you. It was never about you. It was about making her life easier, sparing herself pain. Keeping her little human pet around to make herself feel better. Bo was looking out for Bo. Don't mistake it for anything else. You're not really that naïve, are you ? You really believe SHE loves somebody like YOU?

Maybe her motivations were selfish, but Bo was always there for you. You were never alone. And she would never abandon you now, when you need her the most. She always came when you needed her. Bo always ALWAYS came and everything turned out just fine in the end. She saved the day, she kicked the bad guys asses. You didn't have to fight your own battles anymore. Not that you couldn't, just it was nice not to have to, that's all. Who cares what her motives were, it was nice having someone on your side, someone who looked at you like you're the centre of the universe.

You'd forgotten what it was like to have no one who cared , no one to save you. You had forgotten what it felt like to have to stand alone, just you against the world, and find the strength to keep on going. You don't really know how you ever did it, or how you could possibly face the world on your own again. Not now that you know what it feels like to be loved.

It hadn't seemed like a lonely empty life, not at the time. It was all you had ever known. Pain and betrayal and disappointment and isolation. It didn't occur to you that you would ever have more. It's only now you know what it's like to be loved, to be valued for who you are and nothing else, that suddenly it seems like you can't go on without Bo by your side. That's the real sting, isn't it? Sure you had a shitty life before, you had no one, nothing. But you didn't realise how sucky that was, not til Bo showed you how life can really be. That's what you resent her for. You never would have known otherwise, you would have happily kept on living , surviving, never feeling any pain. Never being loved either- but was love really worth all this?

No, not worth it in the least. It would have been better for everyone if you never met Bo. Why did she have to charge into your life and destroy it? But you're not blameless. How is it that you ever let yourself fall for that shit? How could you ever believe she loved you? That anyone could? You really do deserve every thing you get this time, Kenzi. You brought this all on yourself.

You never appreciated what you had with Bo, not until this moment when you finally accept it's gone. Never stopped to marvel at how amazing it was to find someone who loved you exactly as you were, never asking you to change or be anything other than yourself. And you never took even a minute to wonder just why you could expect this to be real.

You'd never been afraid. Never felt insecure. It wasn't in your nature. But it was more than just feeling "not insecure ". You felt safe. You felt like you'd found that Kenzi shaped hole in the universe. How could this possibly end when it was so perfect? You trusted her, trusted yourself, felt like nothing could take this new life away from you.

How many people have to trample over your heart before you learn? No one could ever love you, Kenzi, why would they? Let alone someone like Bo. Someone who is so special in so many ways. So sought after by people better than you...what could you possible have to offer her? How could you let yourself believe she really loved you? That she needed you?

But she did. That's the hardest part to take. If she never loved you in the first place, well that would be nothing new in your life. It wouldn't even have hurt you because you never expected love from her, from anyone. But she did. She loved you, it was real at the time, nothing will convince you otherwise. It was the most real thing you had ever known. She opened your heart, showed you what it was like to love and to be loved, to be secure, not to be alone. It might be over now, but it was real at the time.

How could she love you? She never knew the real you. She loved a fantasy. Even your own family think you're trash. What possible reason could anyone have to love you? Is it really a shock to find out Bo is just the same as everyone else? Bo cares about Bo. End of story. Why is that so unbelievably hard to accept? She might have thought she loved you at the start. She didn't know the real you. You kept it hidden from her, the dark places inside you, the parts of your life you were so desperately ashamed of. If she had known what kind of person you really are, she wouldn't have given you the time of day. You tricked her! And here you are too ashamed to call on her for help. Why is that? Why don't you call her to come and help you ? Because you know that if she knew the things that you've done, she would gladly leave you here to die.

It's not true, you shake you head. Bo isn't like that. You've seen a side to her that few people get to see. She has such a big heart, and it's easily broken.

If you care so much about her broken heart, why did you up and leave her without a word? If she loves you so much what do you think that's going to do to her?

Maybe you should call her, maybe you shouldn't have left like that. Maybe you should have left a note. Told her it wasn't her fault. Maybe you should at least call her and say goodbye? She didn't deserve to be left behind without a word.

You could call her too, right now. It obviously hadn't occurred to anyone to take your phone from you. Because it's right here burning a hole in your pocket.

Why should they take your phone Kenzi? Who are you gonna call for help? They know you have nowhere to turn to. They know you aren't gonna drag Bo into this.

But you should call her at least, to explain things….


Oh please! Bo hasn't even noticed you're gone, she hasn't noticed any of it, because Bo only cares about Bo! If she cared at all, how could she let it get to this point? She must have known, must have seen. How many times lately has she looked at you, looked right into you- she can't be that blind. You never tried to hide it from her. She doesn't want to know, she doesn't want to see. She does't want to get sucked into this shit. She doesn't want to deal with it, so she turns a blind eye. She was waiting, crossing her fingers you would up and run, so she wouldn't have to tell you to get lost.

What did you really expect from her? You hadn't asked her for help, hadn't asked her for anything. She can't read your mind. If you'd just asked her, just tried to explain, maybe she was just waiting for you to come to her. It isn't fair to expect things from her, it wasn't just her fault things had become so distant lately. Bo is human too. No not quite human, but she is flawed like everyone else.

Or is she? To hear them talk about her- she is perfect, special, chosen, indestructible, unbeatable, unaligned. She is like no one before her. A trailblazer in the truest sense. No one can make Bo do anything she doesn't want to do. If she wanted to be here, she would be. If she wanted to be with you, if she cared about any of this, she wouldn't have let it get this far. She simply does not care. Why are you so reluctant to face it Kenzi? Bo does not care about you. And why should she care about a pathetic little human?

Why are you so angry at Bo? It's you who is at fault, not Bo. Right ? Didn't you bring this all on yourself? Isn't that much more plausible than blaming Bo for any of it. Perfect flawless Bo, how could she be at fault? It would be easier to swallow that someone else to be blame, but how could it be Bo? She has done nothing but love you.

Maybe her intentions are pure. But, Bo is a disease. She got under your skin. She broke you. Now you're sitting here, arguing with yourself, when you should be at least trying to escape from the kidnappers pursuing you. There's only two of them. They have no weapons. You could take them on in your sleep! But you're cowering here in a dark corner. Wringing your hands in defeat, drowning in self pity because 'Bo doesn't care anymore'. As if she ever cared in the first place! You must have known it was too good to be true. Are you seriously the stupidest person on the planet, Kenzi?

Perhaps you are the dumbest person on the planet. Perhaps you would have been better off never knowing Bo. You can't argue that. But you can't help the small piece of your heart thats still waiting for her to come and make everything ok. Still hoping she will come. Still believing in some kind of happy ending. You know you can't call her, you won't. But you pull the phone out of your pocket and clutch it as if it were a weapon, as if it could save you. You'd turned it off, because leaving it on would only have made it easier for them to capture you, and why should you make it easy? But it's dark, pitch black, you can't see your own hand in front of your face, and the darkness is suffocating. You're not gonna call her, no. But you could just turn it on, just for a minute, to see where you are. There's no harm in that right?

You can't help it, the way your heart stope beating for a second as you wait for the phone to come to life. As you realise, with horror, that you're waiting to hear from Bo. That you're waiting and hoping that she's called you, that she's left you a message, that somehow she is going to be there telling you it's all going to be ok.

So maybe you are the stupidest most pathetically naïve person on the planet. Because you cant let go of that tiny glimmer of hope. And you can't deny the way that hope in Bo makes everything feel like it's going to be ok.

Hope? Since when do you 'hope'? Where has hope ever got you? Listen to what she's done to you!

It hurts more than you expect, more than it should, when you scroll through your messages, not a single message, when you check your calls, not a single missed call from anyone, let alone Bo. She really hasn't noticed you're gone. Either that, or she really does not care.

You don't need her, you never did. Get up, stop feeling sorry for yourself, and run for your life while you still have the chance. Turn off that stupid phone, give up on Bo, and fight for your life. If you don't get up right now, there really is no one to blame but you for what's coming next.

You know you should run. They are getting closer, your window of opportunity is closing. Physically though, you just don't think you can. You can't even tell where the pain is coming from anymore, it hurts all over.

Not as much as its gonna hurt when they catch you, you idiot!

So true. But, so what?

You've already given up, on Bo, on yourself, on life. What's the point in fighting, in running, whats the point in anything anymore. What does it matter if they catch you and torture you.

If you wanna die Kenzi, then die. But they aren't gonna kill you when they catch you. It's gonna be worse than death. Is that what you want? I didn't think so! So get up and run for your life, or lay down right here and die. But you will not give them the satisfaction of capturing you! That is simply not an option!

This is why it sucks to be a fighter. Even when you've given up on everything you still have to fight. It's never over. And while death feels like a very attractive option, you don't know how to lay down and die. How you wish you did. You don't have a weapon, you don't have any means, you don't think you can really lay down and stop your heart beating just by willing it. So if you really want to give up and die, you're gonna have to fight a little longer for the privilege of doing so with a little dignity.

It sounds so easy- get up and run for your life, don't let them catch you alive. How hard can it be? Why does it feel so much harder this time. It's not the first shitty situation you've been in. Not the worst either. And it's not just the fact that you've picked the stupidest hiding place. Even with the light of the phone, you can barely see a thing. That dim light, that stupid dim light of hope. It's so painful to hold onto it. To keep looking down as if you really think Bo is gonna call you. But you can't turn it off. You can't drop it and leave it behind. It's your connection to Bo and you can't bring yourself to sever it. No matter how much it hurts to keep holding on.

Speaking of pain, you have a splitting headache, and it's hard to tell in the darkness, but things seem blurry. Every time you breathe in you're reminded painfully that your ribs are broken. You wrists are aching from the restraints, the way you had pulled against them trying to get free. You could feel the exact spot he had grabbed you, almost breaking your arm, and held you down while his partner restrained you. You can't really see but you're sure there are bruises all over your arms. And even in the mere minutes you've stopped here to sulk in the dark corner- you feel like you're losing energy, like each minute you stop makes it harder to get moving.

You've been injured before, why are you being such a whiny brat?

Yes, you've been injured before. But never like this. This time you really feel like you're about to die, like you can't live with the pain one second longer. As if your body has been crushed to the point you can't possible survive it. That's the trouble with being a survivor, sometimes it really hurts. Surviving isn't all it's cracked up to be. It isn't worth the pain. You wish you hadn't taken so long to learn that life lesson.

The reason you stopped running was because you couldn't stop crying out in pain every time you took a step. And the sound echoed through the tunnels, they would hear you as soon as they got anywhere near, it would lead them straight to you. And you knew it- knew that if you didn't shut the hell up you were as good as defeated. But even the prospect of capture wasn't enough to silence those cries. It was too much to ask of your annoying human body. And so you stopped, just for a moment, just to catch your breath. To strengthen your resolve to keep moving. Only to find that now you've stopped-the pain is even worse- it that's possible.

Suck it up and get moving. You're good at hiding pain. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, put on a smile, and move.

Yes, you're well practiced at hiding pain. From the time you were a little girl it was something you learned. Something you still had occasion to practice, for different reasons though. You would watch as Bo would emerge from her bedroom after a nasty fight, a totally different person. All her wounds gone, any trace of pain vanished. Not incapacitated in any way. And you didn't begrudge her that. Just it didn't feel right to let her see how much pain you were in. It felt weak. Felt like she would think you couldn't keep up, that you weren't worthy of fighting at her side. You didn't want her to think of you as being vulnerable or breakable. You wanted her to see you as fearless, as her equal, someone she could count on to have her back. Not someone who cried in pain at every little injury, who could be stopped by a few bruises or broken bones. So you learned to push the pain away, to smile at her, and make out like it wasn't a big deal. You would lay there on the couch, in your aching human body, and force yourself to transcend, to rise above the pain. Because the thought of her knowing how much pain you were in always seemed worse than the pain itself. You learned to put on a brave face and force the pain away. For Bo, or for your own dignity, or both.

So imagine if Bo could see you now- is this what you would let her see? For all you know, she's on her way. For all you know, those footsteps in the distance aren't those two morons you escaped from. It could be her. And is this what Bo is gonna find when she gets here? Pathetic little Kenzi, can't stand and fight, can't even run like a coward, all she knows how to do anymore is sit here and cry because it's all too damn hard. Sitting here waiting for someone to save you, can't even lift a finger to help yourself. This might be who you've turned into, but is it who you want Bo to see when she comes marching in to save you?

But she isn't coming, she hasn't even noticed that you've gone. Right?

"Bo ..is .. Not .. Coming." It feels like it's important to say it out loud, to make it true, like a spell. Like your words have power.

But you know it, the minute her name leaves your lips, that all you want, all you really really want in the whole world right now- is Bo.

Oh my God, You WANT her to find you! You want her to get stuck in the middle of this, You want to tell her everything. It's why you won't get up and fight, why you wont run. You want her to find you sitting her crying, you want her to put her arms around you and make you feel safe. To take all the pain and fear away. You want her to go mental and deal with the two lunatics who are after you. You want her to tell them they better not ever come near you again or they are gonna pay. You want to see the look on their faces when Bo lets them have it. You want her to kneel down, taking your face in her hands, and ask you "Kenzi, what's wrong, what happened?" And you will try, patheticaly, to tell her nothing is wrong, you don't really need her help. And she will shake her head, and look deeply into your eyes, and as if you were a child she would say ." Kenzi, you're so silly, Why didn't you come to me? You know you can always come to me, I'll always be here for you no matter what, I'm on your side Kenzi." And she will be a teeny bit mad that you didn't come to her with your problems, but mostly she will be smug, because this is what she loves the most, playing hero to your victim, saving her little human pet from the big bad world. And she will pull you close, and kiss the top of your head and say "Kenzi, you know I would never give up on you!"

She would never give up on you. Right?

Because how many times had she said exactly that? "Kenzi, you know I would never give up on you." It wasn't just words, it was on the heels of her chasing you across realms to bring you home safely. It wasn't just something people say. She had proved it, time and time over. So why are you doing this? Why can't you just go to her and ask for help? You can see it now, the look in her eyes, because she always looked at you like that when she was telling you how much she loved you. She didn't look at anyone else like that, which always made you feel so special. She wouldn't look at you like that if she merely owned you. She did love you. And she needed you.

She STILL needs YOU
Bo NEEDS you.

She told you so, many times. So why are you doing this to her? How easily you get caught up in what YOU need Kenzi, you forget she needs you too! She always has.

She needs you? Oh yeah, she needs you Kenzi. Have you ever asked yourself why she needs you? Why she keeps you around? What she gets out of this friendship?

She could have any one, literally ANY ONE she wanted in the whole world, and she picks - … Kenzi? What have you ever achieved in life, what have you ever done of value? Nothing! You're just a human for crying out lout. And you won't even have sex with her! She is a succubus, it's all she cares about. So what use are you? So what does she get out of it? Why does she fight so vehemently to protect you? Haven't you ever asked her, haven't you ever asked yourself?

It's because she OWNS you Kenzi, She CLAIMED you. You're her property. And sure she could own any human she wanted, what makes you so special? You, Kenzi, and the stupidest most messed up pathetic human on the planet- thats WHY Bo picked you. She loves to watch you mess up, time and time again, throwing yourself into situations you have no hope of getting out of. So she can ride in and save the day, be your hero. It makes her feel good about herself to keep such a screw up around. When she tells you she loves you- she means this "I own you Kenzi. You're mine. And I love the way you always mess things up, it makes me look really good when I come in and save the day."

No! It isn't true. It's not.
You don't want to be owned.
You don't want to be saved.
You don't want to think about Bo anymore.

You know, no matter what, she is gonna find out about this, don't you? All she has to do is reach over, in a split second, with one touch, she can compel you to tell everything. Then its not your choice, is it? Its not your fault. It's easy to vow you'll never tell her. You'll protect her from all the badness. How noble of you. You know she wont rest til she gets answers, one way or another. You know she won't just let this go. She will take one look in your eyes, see something terribly wrong, and she will be determined to find out all the gory details.

But don't kid yourself that she's gonna sweep you up in her arms and protect you. When she finds out what you've done she wont be able to look at you without feeling sick. She won't want you around, she wont want to remember she even knew you let alone supposedly loved you. You know that's how its going to go, you have to know it!

All right I get it. Enough!

So get up and get moving. What do you think is going to happen when they catch you? Don't you think they are gonna go straight to Bo with their prize?

No, they promised. They said they wouldn't involve her. They have no reason to. They don't want her they just want me.

Oh..they promised? Well then. People never break those, do they? Seriously, where has your head gone? What is wrong with you?! Bo really has messed you up Kenzi, you used to know better.

It doesn't matter. They can try to get to Bo, she wont let them. She wont come this time, not for you, not for them, not for anyone. She's too busy with her new friend. She hasn't got time to get sucked into their stupid kidnapping scheme. She hasn't even noticed anything is going on remember?

Oh she'll come. You know she will. In the end, she always finds out, she always comes. And she will care- not about you - she'll care about herself as usual. And how it affects her. She'll care so much she wont be able to rest until she';s found out every teeny thing that's happened.

You know it, it's why you ran. You ran from them, sure. Because no one is gonna kidnap you against your will. You ran from the things they were going to do to you. But you were running because you knew they were gonna lead Bo right to you. You might be dumb enough to think she loved you once, but are you really dumb enough to think she's gonna understand this? She's gonna forgive it?

No, no, no. She wont understand it. She can never know. The shame of Bo finding out…its enough to motivate you to scramble to your feet. You have to lean against the wall to hold you upright, because you're legs won't hold you up. You can taste blood in your mouth from where you've bitten your lip to stop crying out in pain. It's excruciating, but you manage to take a few steps, and almost convince yourself that it doesn't really hurt that much.

With that you finally find the strength to extinguish that little glimmer of hope, as you fumble around trying to switch off the phone. It's too hard, you can't do it, so you throw the phone to the ground, forgetting for a moment that your pursuers are out there, and stamp on it with your foot to smash it to pieces. You don't need the phone anymore, you don't need Bo. Bo can never know about this. That matters more than being caught, more than surviving, more than anything. Whatever happens, Bo can never ever know the truth. You just have to get away, from them, from Bo, far far away from all of it. The further the better. When you're dead none of it will matter, none of it can touch you.

That's not a solution. What are you gonna do? Disappear without a trace? Drop dead? Leave Bo wondering what she did wrong? Leave her to punish herself for driving you away? She will torment herself over it, how she never saw it coming, how she couldn't save you. Are you that selfish?

But she doesn't care, she never loved you, hasn't noticed you're in trouble. Why can't you just up and go? Why can't you just drop dead and end it once and for all? Why does every decision have to be one that suits Bo?

It will break her heart. You really want her to find your lifeless rotting corpse ? To live the rest of her life blaming herself for your death. Sure that's a nice out for you, And why should you care about Bo, or anyone? Ok fine, Do it. Just die.

You think Bo won't follow you to the afterlife? You think you'll be free even there? I don't think so. You think Bo can't bring you back to life with sheer willpower, and a little bit of life sucking fae power. Or maybe she can't, maybe she'll have thrown her life away and be damned for eternity, right next to you, is that what you want ?

No!
You never wanted Bo anywhere near this, you don't want her to sacrifice her life for you. You don't want her to be hurt at all, its why you won't call her, why you're running from her. You want to protect her.

There are no options, That's the thing, isn't it? There is no escape, not even death. This terrifies you to the core, more than anything ever has. There is nothing you can do.

You can't even decide what you want , what you're running from, there really is nothing to be done for you. You're officially a lost cause.

And there you have it. That's how it happened. That's all it took to break you, to turn a survivor into a .. What? What is the correct terminology for what you've become? There isn't really a word that describes it, how far you've fallen.

You stop trying to run, because there is no point in it, and it just hurts too much.

It's quiet, too quiet. Even that little voice in your head has given up on you. There is nothing left to do, no more choices. All you can do is sit and wait for whatever is coming for you.