I don't own anything.
It took me a very long time to warm to this show and the characters, and I think I only really did because I don't see them quite the way they actually are. So I apologise if this isn't the kind of story people like to read, or if it's not the exact characters that are from the show. I find Kenzi and Bo incredibly frustrating but I can't help but love them. My other Lost Girl story is written to explore all the things that drive me nuts about Bo. So this story is my attempt to be nice to her and find things I love about her. Kenzi drives me nuts too sometimes, but I find it harder to hate her for it, not sure why. Anyway this is just my twisted interpretation of the characters, and singling out certain aspects of the characters that I would have liked to see more of. I know the whole point of the show is that Bo is so special and needs to save the world, but it really annoys me that she's so busy doing that so I don't like to focus on it in the story.
I wrote this for my special friend Sarah J as a Christmas Present, (which I may finish by next Christmas!), because of all the fun times we have talking about Bo and Kenzi. I hope she likes it, even if it isn't exactly accurate in terms of characters and setting. I hope other people will enjoy it too, but if not, I still had a lot of fun writing it and throwing ideas around and exploring the characters in a way that might not be true to the show. I hope you enjoy. Thanks for reading.
Part One
The Christmas Tree
It was the last thing Kenzi had been expecting, as she stumbled into the kitchen, her eyes still half closed, desperately seeking coffee.
She stopped still when the thing caught her eye. She blinked painfully several times at this shiny glistening intruder in her living room. She opened her mouth to say something, no words came out. She examined it, looking up and down, involuntarily taking a step back as if it was going to bite her.
As if Bo read her mind she called out playfully from the kitchen table. "It's not going to bite you."
"What the hell is that?" Kenzi managed to ask, unable to hide the disdain in her voice. It was a rhetorical question- she could see what it was. What she meant was- What the hell is it doing in our house"
"It's our Christmas tree." Bo told her, with a glint in her eyes, looking rather pleased with herself.
The very words "Christmas Tree" sliced through Kenzi's heart, as memories she long ago pushed away began to surface. The tiny little tree she had loved so much when she was only six years old, because it reminded her of herself. It was a scrawny little tree, nothing special, the last tree anyone would want. But she wanted it. To her it was the most special tree in the world, because it was hers, the first Christmas tree she had ever had. And the last. She never forgot the gleam in her step fathers eye as he picked up her poor little tree in one hand and threw it to the ground. She had spent hours making paper chain decorations for that tree, and within seconds he had torn them to pieces with such glee. The way she had been filed with rage, more rage than she ever knew she could feel, and clenched her little fists, punching into her step father as if she had a hope of hurting him. And the way he had picked her up, by the hair, swinging her round just like that little tree. Sometimes, in the dark of night, she could swear she could still feel the spot on her head burning with pain, as if it would never heal. The way her mother stood there, laughing. It was just a dumb tree, but she had wept for that tree later that night when everyone was asleep. She had cried and cried for that poor little unloved tree.
This was far from her worst Christmas memory, it was merely the one that sprang to her mind when she saw that monstrosity in her living room. It made her feel like she was a child again. Like she was powerless and unloved. It made her feel like she had no control. Like all of those other memories she worked so hard to push away were about to come to the surface, threatening to suffocate her, to transport her back to a time and place she never wanted to re visit.
That's probably why there was disproportionate anger in her voice when she looked coldly in Bo's direction and said. "Get that thing out of here!"
As the angry words came tumbling out she realised it was an exact echo of what her step father had said, when he came home and saw her little tree, with the paper chains so lovingly and carefully twisted around. That made her feel sick, to realise- she had turned out just like him.
Why would Bo do this to her? Why would Bo bring that stupid thing here? Since when had they decorated for Christmas? Last Christmas they had stayed home, just the two of them, watching movies, eating popcorn, and making fun of all those other people running around like crazy, as if Christmas was some kind of magical day. Those stupid people acting like it was the end of the world if they didn't get the trendiest toy for their kid, if their roast turkey wasn't cooked properly. Telling their kids lies about a creepy fat only man coming into their houses when they were sleeping, and the even more ridiculous story of some baby born thousands of years ago who was supposedly going to save the world. Bo was never even the slightest bit excited about Christmas.
They had never even exchanged gifts. It was Bo who said it- "We already know that we are family, we don't need to exchange gifts on some day of the year that other people decide is so special, no one even really knows why they are celebrating, it's all so commercialised and ridiculous." And Kenzi wholeheartedly agreed. She didn't need a gift to know Bo loved her, and she was very happy to let Christmas slide by unrecognised, and to keep all those bad memories deeply buried.
So why now does Bo feel the sudden need for a stupid tree? Why is she looking at it with such joy? Why is she looking at Kenzi with such disappointment at her less than joyful attitude? As if Kenzi is the one ruining her day and not the other way round!
"This is Lauren's doing isn't it?" Kenzi said darkly. "Of course it is. After all every second sentence out of your mouth lately is 'Lauren said this, Lauren said that.' It's disgusting, by the way. Just because you're having sex with her you don't need to let her brainwash you."
"She hasn't brainwashed me, this is nothing to do with Lauren!" Bo said defensively.
"Must be Lauren, because the fae don't celebrate Christmas, and its not like you associate with any other lowly humans." Kenzi retorted bitterly. "So if Lauren wants to get all soppy about Christmas she can keep it in her own damn apartment and out of my face!" Kenzi hadn't wanted to show the depth of her painful rage, but she couldn't hold it back.
Bo looked a little taken aback, maybe even a little hurt. "It's just a tree, it's not hurting anyone. And for your information I am capable of leading my own life and making my own decision. This has nothing to do with Lauren." If Bo was angry at being accused of letting Lauren brainwash her into this sudden Christmas spirit, she doesn't let it show. Her whole demenour seems a little too happy, too magnanimous. It was not right at all. The words should have been shouted back angrily, not delivered so gently and nicely. "And you know I have never thought of you or Lauren as a 'lowly' human, why would you even say that to me?"
Kenzi said nothing, looking away. There was so much anger rising in her, and she tried to squash it down. Bo didn't deserve it. She hadn't done this just to bring up bad memories. And she could see it now, so clearly, the hurt in Bo's eyes. It was true Bo never treated her as less for being human. It wasn't a fair comment to make. But Kenzi was desperately trying to distract herself from the depth of her memories.
What Kenzi needed was a fight, Bo to yell something about the tree staying and Kenzi could yell something back like- well it's the tree or me, and walk out the door. Then it would all be resolved nice and clean. She had got out of more than a few uncomfortable conversations that way, counting on the fact Bo was so caught up in her own problems, or her own anger, to look deeper.
But Bo wasn't biting. Not today. She only softened her tone further, if that was even possible, and took a step closer. If Kenzi wasn't already backed against the wall she would have pulled away. But there was nowhere to go, the wall at her back, Bo at her side, and that hideous thing backing her escape route to the door.
"I just thought it would be nice." Bo began, in such a soft and caring tone. How could Kenzi be angry with her when she was standing there looking at her with such love in her eyes, when she was being so nice. When she was standing so close, and any moment now Kenzi just knew Bo was going to pull her into a tight embrace.
Something about that frightened Kenzi this time. Normally she felt safe in Bo's arms, loved and secure and safe. But this time it terrified her. This time she wasn't going to let it happen.
"Well, it's not nice! It's a piece of junk! I can't believe you did this without even talking to me! Get rid of it!" Kenzi yelled at her. She tried to make herself sound angry, but it wasn't easy with the tears forming in her eyes, and they way her voice trembled. Desperate not to meet Bo's eyes, Kenzi cast her gaze around the room. That's when she noticed the other decorations strewn around the whole house! Tinsel and ridiculous pictures of santa and snowmen and reindeer.
"I know it's a bit cheesy." Bo admitted. "Just last year was so depressing. And I thought…"
"Of course it was." Kenzi acknowledged bitterly. "Last year you didn't have anyone but me, your little human pet. And now you have dozens of more important people to celebrate with."
"Oh Kenzi, you know I didn't mean it like that." It was the sincerity in Bo's voice that breaks Kenzi's heart. She felt so torn. On the one hand she wanted to believe that it was real, the tender way Bo spoke to her, she wanted to believe Bo loved her, and that it was enough to drive all the bad things away. But on the other hand, she couldn't afford to let herself. Bo just admitted it was "depressing" spending Christmas with her last year. She obviously wanted and needed more. Maybe Kenzi didn't know her at all, or what she needed or wanted. Maybe Bo always just deserved more than Kenzi could give.
"I just meant it was like any other day, we didn't do anything special. And now things are so settled, and we have so many people around us, I just thought it would be nice to celebrate, we could have a party, I know no one really celebrates Christmas, but really it's just an excuse to get together and be grateful for what we have, and you know some of the Christmas traditions they are kind of fun. And any excuse for a party right? Bo asked hopefully. Her words didn't really flow off her tongue in the way they usually do. It wasn't often that Bo was lost for words, that she was afraid of saying the wrong thing, but this was one of those rare times where Bo really didn't know what to say. She only looked to Kenzi hopefully in the silent moments that ticked by.
There had been so much joy in Bo's eyes as she looked around the stupid Christmas decorations, as she talked about the people in her life, as she talked about Christmas, and this stupid party she wanted to have. It occurred to Kenzi only then, that Bo's life had been very different to her own. Sure in between there had been years on the run with nothing to celebrate and no one to celebrate with. But before that, before Bo grew up and realised she had these deadly powers, Bo had been a normal kid from a normal family, with happy Christmas tradition memories that she wanted to share with her new family. Probably the kind of kid whose parents wrapped up presents under the tree, sang Christmas carols, left huge stockings from santa, had parties with friends and relatives and good food, and so much love and happiness. And Kenzi is happy for Bo, that Bo had that kind of life. What kind of a person would she be if she wasn't? But it made her feel disconnected, made her feel that she never really knew Bo, that Bo never knew her. That everything between then had been based on this misconception that they both came from a terrible place.
Kenzi didn't understand why, but this revelation that deep down Bo is one of those people who finds joy in Christmas, it really cut her deeply. And filled her with fear, that if Bo every found out the real person Kenzi was, the things she had done in her past, she would be so horrified. Things would never be the same, and she would lose Bo forever.
As Kenzi finally brings herself to look into Bo's sad eyes, those eyes that moments ago had been filled with such child like joy, Kenzi feels the guilt rising up. She knows she is being selfish. Just because her childhood memories of Christmas suck it's no reason to bring Bo down. If anyone else had hurt Bo in the way that Kenzi just had, Kenzi would kill them. How did things get so messed up that she is the one causing Bo pain? That she is the reason the light of Joy was extinguished from Bo's eyes?
The guilt was soul crushing. But rather than calm her anger, this guilt only made Kenzi feel more enraged. It made her feel so sick inside, like her stomach was tied in knots. And the only thing that seemed to alleviate it was being a total bitch.
"Don't you think you should have consulted me before you turned our place into santa's workshop? I do live her too you know! I suppose I should be used to being just a insignificant human pet, whose opinion doesn't matter." It made her feel so much better to be filled with righteous indignation.
Bo's face fell, and for just a moment Kenzi wanted to take it all back and throw herself in Bo's arms and put that joyful smile back on her face. But it was too late. The words were spoken. And this time she said them with such malice. Not in the self pitying almost joking kind of way she said them earlier. This time was so filled with hatred and rage.
And she could see Bo's eyes fill with tears instantly.
"Kenzi, you're not my pet, I've never treated you like a pet. I don't know why you are saying this to me. What is going on? Just talk to me?" Bo pleaded.
It's true, Kenzi acknowledged. Bo had never treated her as a pet. And the pain in Bo's voice is almost enough to make her stop. But Bo was standing so close. Any minute now Kenzi would break down in tears, and Bo would hug her, and it was all too much. She didn't want Bo near her, didn't want Bo near those memories of her past, they were supposed to be long buried, damn Bo and that stupid tree.
Those things that happened, the things Kenzi had done in the past, that was a different person to the one Bo knew, a different life time. It wasn't something she could ever let Bo get near.
All of a sudden it occurred to Kenzi that Bo is standing so close to her, all she had to do was reach over, and in a second she could use her fae powers. Then Kenzi would have no choice in any of it. Bo could ask her anything, make her tell all those horrible memories that she so desperately tried to keep buried. She would find out all kinds of things that Kenzi never wanted her to know. She would never want to look at Kenzi again after that.
Kenzi knew, one way or another, things were over now, things had gone past a point they can ever be redeemed. But better that Bo think she was just being a stupid childish brat and walked out on her, much better than knowing the truth of the things that are haunting her. There's was only one way out of this.
Kenzi took a breath, because it wasn't going to be easy. Not easy at all to push hard enough to make Bo leave her alone. It was gonna hurt the both of them. But it had to be done.
Kenzi shook her head slowly as she looked one last time at that tree. It was a pretty tree, she admitted, with decorations and tinsel and lights. Bo had probably spent a lot of time on it, probably hoped Kenzi would come down and admire all her hard work.
"The thing is…" Kenzi began slowly, keeping her voice calm and even.
"Tell me." Bo encouraged her to go on, as she reached out to grab Kenzi's hands.
Kenzi wanted to pull away. Everything in her wanted to pull away from Bo's touch.
No that isn't true, because part of her wanted to fall into Bo's arms and cry and not have to say anything. Just put this all behind them and make things ok, like Bo always managed to do.
Kenzi is afraid, though, if she doesn't at least appear to be co operating, then Bo will just use her powers and make her do and say whatever Bo wanted.
Bo had never done this before, used her powers. Nor given any indication she would ever abuse their friendship in that way. But Kenzi knew Bo wasn't going to take it well. So she made no move to pull away as Bo took her hands, gently stroking them. It was almost too much. The way Bo looked at her. The way she held her hands so tenderly. The unspoken promise between them that they would always be there for each other- no matter what.
Kenzi had to stop for a moment, and summon all the darkness inside her. To fill herself with anger and fear. To remind herself this is the best thing for Bo. It might hurt her for a moment, but then she would go back to being that happy joy-filled person who likes to put up Christmas trees and throw parties and exchange presents with all those other happy people in her life. It would be for the best.
"You always told me that you wanted me to be happy." Kenzi began hesitantly.
"Of course I do." Bo agreed , a tinge of fear in her voice, as if she knew where this was going to end.
"I just don't want to be part of this anymore." Kenzi said resolutely, unable to look Bo in the eye, not wanting to see. If it hurt Bo, that would break her resolve, she wouldn't be able to do it. But if it didn't hurt? If Bo was relieved, well that would hurt in a whole different way. So she looked to the ground careful not to lift her gaze.
"Ok I'll get rid of the tree, and we don't have to have a party." Bo said hastily.
"It's not about that." Kenzi interrupted. "I don't belong here."
"Kenzi you do! You're my best friend, I would be lost without you, why are you saying this all of a sudden, what happened?" Bo wanted to know.
"It's not sudden. I've wanted to tell you for a long time, I didn't know how. I'm sick of all this fae shit. I just want a normal life, is that too much to ask? It's time I made me own life, not live on the sidelines of yours." Kenzi was proud of the way she had said it so calmly.
"You're not on the sidelines, you're my heart Kenzi, the most important person in my life. I understand, things have been crazy lately, I'm sorry. We can go away, someplace away from all this." Bo said frantically.
It broke Kenzi's heart to hear the desperation, to hear how badly she wanted Keni to stay, to hear how much she was loved. For a moment she wanted to take it all back. But she can't. She can't.
"You don't listen!" Kenzi yelled, trying hard to keep the anger in her voice, trying hard not to burst into tears. "You never listen to what anyone else wants! You always act like you care about everyone else, but you don't. All you care about is what you need, what you want, and you wonder why I don't want to be part of this anymore!"
"Kenzi, please." Bo begged through tears. "Tell me why you're so angry, tell me what I've done, I'll fix it. I don't understand."
"You never will." Kenzi said icily. "You're not capable of looking outside yourself. I'm trying to tell you that I need to get away from here, from you. I need to go live my own life. I don't want to be here with you anymore. You're so used to having control over everyone in your life. You think because you have powers you can make people do whatever you want."
"That's not true." Bo insisted.
"It is! You know I can't stop you, all you have to do is use your powers on me, tell me to stay, tell me that I have to stay here and be your grateful pet forever and there would be nothing I could do about it, but you can't make me love you, you can't make me want to be with you!" Kenzi shouted angrily. There was so much anger inside her, she hadn't realised it was there. And for a moment she wants to stop, because it isn't fair to let all this anger out on Bo. But she reminded herself it had to be done. It was for the best.
"I would never make you do something you didn't want, I want you to be happy Kenzi, I thought you were happy." Bo insisted.
"YOU were happy Bo, thats all you care about. If you want me to be happy , If you really care about me and what I want and need, then why are you trying to stop me doing what I want to do?" Kenzi asked.
"Ok." Bo said finally, dejectedly. "If that's what you want, I won't stand in your way. But you don't even have anywhere to go, why don't you just think about it, we can talk more about it tonight? There's no need to rush into anything."
"You think I have nowhere to go? Just because you look at me like a pathetic human pet that no body wants? you think I can't survive on my own? I did perfectly fine before I met you. In fact my life was a lot better! I don't need to talk about anything or think about anything. I don't need to spend one more minute here. I'll just send for my things later." Kenzi said calmly.
For a moment Bo just stood, looking at her. As if she was waiting for Kenzi to say it was all a joke, all a mistake. As if this couldn't possibly be happening.
"Kenzi, don't leave like this, I don't want it to be like this. If you want to go…." Her voice trails off. "Just don't leave like this when you're so angry, I can't stand it if you left like this. You're not even going to hug me goodbye, or tell me where you're going ? Are you ever going to call or keep in touch?" Bo reached out to grab Kenzi's arm, and spin her around.
"Don't make this harder than it has to be." Kenzi pleaded softly.
But Bo wouldn't let go, she wasn't going to just let go. Kenzi knew it all along. After looking to the ground for a few moments, then taking a deep breath, Kenzi yanked her arm away violently. "I'm so sick of everything being about you!" She screamed. With her now free hand she reached over pulling the immaculate Christmas tree over, so it lay as a barrier between the two of them, tinsel strewn all over the floor, glass ornaments shattered into tiny shards, dirt from the base of the tree spilled out all over the floor. That's what Kenzi saw as she backed away, quickly, heading for the door. She told herself not to look back, there wasn't time. Just go while you have the chance.
She did look back though, for just a second.
She needn't have worried Bo would follow her, that Bo would tackle her to the ground, that Bo would chase after her and use her powers to make Kenzi come back, to make her explain what was going on. She didn't have to worry about any of that. Because Bo was just standing there, all the colour drained from her face, tears falling from her eyes. She wasn't angry, she didn't even really look sad or hurt. She just looked shocked. Too shocked to say anything, too shocked to move.
So Kenzi turned away, and kept running. She tried to put it all out of her mind, she had a new life now. Bo wasn't part of it. So what? She lived before Bo, she survived, she would do it again. Not a big deal.
She couldn't stop shaking though, and she was angry that she couldn't control herself better. She couldn't stop the tears stinging her eyes. And she couldn't shake the image from her head, the look in Bo's eyes as the tree came crashing to the ground. She couldn't breathe. She knew she couldn't stop. There wasn't time. She had to get away. But she really couldn't breathe.
She had seen the car, keys still in the ignition, because Bo did stupid things like that. It;s a wonder the thing hadn't been stolen. But as Bo said, who would want it? She knew it was a stupid idea, after all the whole point was to get away from Bo, not take her car for a joyride.
But she heard it then, Bo calling to her. Calling out her name. In the way only Bo could. Her name always sounded different from Bo's lips than anyone elses. It sounded sweeter, more beloved. And part of her wanted to turn around. How could she not? How could she really do this? It all happened so fast.
But she was too filled with panic, with fear and rage and pain, there was no way she could turn back. There is no way she could out run Bo on foot. So she jumped in the car, turning the key. She felt like a reckless teenager, a stupid kid. She supposed that was all she had ever been really, it was just a pretense she was something more.
She told herself not to look in the rear view mirror, she didn't want another haunting image of Bo's broken eyes to torment her, so she fixed her gaze ahead, and slammed her foot on the accelerator.
The hardest part is over, she kept telling herself. You're free now Kenzi, everything is going to be so much better.
She doesn't feel free though, she doesn't feel better. She doesn't even feel that the hardest part it over. Because every minute that ticks by feels harder and harder to go on.
It hits her finally, that it will never be over. Things won't ever get better. It's her fault. She let Bo into her heart. She knew better. If she just stayed away, stayed alone and self sufficient, it wouldn't hurt so much to leave Bo now.
The thought of living without Bo was incomprehensible. So much so that she began to think she really could just turn around and go back and say sorry, and everything would be ok. She would do it, no matter how much it wounded her pride, no matter what Bo would think of her , she would go and beg for Bo to forgive her, and promise to be a faithful human pet for the rest of her life. Maybe that would make it all better?
She wondered then, if it was against some kind of law for claimed humans to leave their master. Would a whole army of fae come after her? It occurred to her too that she just stole Bo's car. Would Bo be angry enough to call the police? To have her thrown in jail for theft?
Everything swirled around in her mind in a confusing haze. She remembered the look on Bo's face. She knows that Bo had looked shocked, that's all, just shocked. But as she goes over and over the moment it changes in her mind. First she is angry, so angry, and then she is devastated, and all Kenzi wanted to do was go back and make it up to her.
Something dark and insidious crept up inside her mind then. It took her a few moments to realise what it was. She hadn't noticed the radio was even on when she took the car. It wasn't until the song- that song- started playing. Before she even consciously registered the song playing she felt sick. And not just because it was a soppy Christmas song. She long ago buried the memories associated with that song. It's not like she forgot. She remembers the details, of what happened, in a distant kind of way. As if it happened to someone else. The memories never really hurt her, because it didn't feel like it was her those things happened to when that song was playing. All of the feelings of the time were gone, as if it was just a movie not a memory of her own life. She managed to keep it at a distance like that. Except when she heard that one stupid song. It had the power to bring everything rushing back, everything she fought so hard to forget. It seemed to open the flood gate, because once that memory came back, suddenly there would be dozens more, things she always remembered but kept at a distance, things she always told herself would never hurt her again.
It had been years since she heard that song. Years since those memories touched her. She reached for the dial and hastily switched it off. But it was too late, the melody was already in her head. And it was all the worse this time, because now, on top of all those painful things that happened in the past, now she had lost Bo. And that somehow gave the painful memories all the more power to torment her. The song continued on and on in her mind on a terrible loop that she could not stop. She felt panic rise in her at the thought of all those things coming back to haunt her. At feeling like she was that lost little girl again who had no hope, who had no one that cared about her, who was worth nothing.
"No!" She said aloud. "I'm not going to let any of that hurt me ever again, I'm not going to let anything touch me ever ever again."
That was the last thing she said, before she put her foot to the floor on the accelerator, and turned the steering wheel abruptly towards the tree.
The last thing she thought before the deafening noise of the crash, was how she wished she had told Bo one last time how much she loved her, how she wished that before she left, before she broke her heart, she had let Bo hug her, just once more.
And finally, she felt relieved, because none of it would matter anymore, nothing would ever hurt her again.
And with that, she closed her eyes, and waited for it to all be over.