This was something I wrote back in November 2009 when I didn't feel we were seeing enough of how Syed was feeling. It's set the night of the Queen Vic Contest when James was staying with Christian. They get to the same place (almost) as in the show but they go a different way. :)

Jealousy

Syed

I stood there transfixed while she sang to me, declared her love for me so openly… in front of everyone… in front of him. I hardly dared look at him but maybe seeing her like that might help him to understand why I couldn't do it…why I hadn't been able to hurt her. What had she ever done to deserve that? I felt so exposed, overwhelmed and unworthy of her love. But I can be what she wants…because I have to be. I wish it could be different but it can't. I just hope that one day he can forgive me. Right now when he looks at me all I feel from him is anger, does he really hate me like he told me he might? I couldn't stand that. It would be the one thing that could make me wish that none of it had happened and I don't ever want to give up that memory. The memory of us together.

After everyone had performed and Sam had been unfairly crowned, we stood in a group and I'd never felt so awkward. Christian and I exchanged looks that clarified nothing. He was with him and I was with her and everything felt wrong.

We left the pub to go our separate ways, I walked her home and Christian walked home with him. They were in front and they had their arms around each other, laughing and joking as if we weren't there, but just as they reached his flat Christian looked back at me. The same look he'd given me after he'd kissed him earlier. Was it because he'd felt my eyes burning into him, accusing him for being with another man?

I wished I could have resisted looking at the precise moment he turned, but I couldn't and he saw. He knew I'd be watching him and I didn't disappoint, but he calmly turned back and they went inside, arms around each other, laughing still...the pain I felt was physical too but what could I do except hide it? like I always do.

Amira was upbeat but hurting a little. The 'blonde haired, blue eyed bimbo' had won as she had predicted she would. I built her up, she was the most beautiful girl there, she sang like an angel and looked like a princess. When she shook her beautiful hair out and told me that as long as I thought so, then nothing else mattered, I wanted to be her prince, her protector...exactly what she wanted me to be.

So why now, when I'm alone in my bed when I should be wanting her, is my mind filled only with him instead? I can't sleep, when I shut my eyes I see him with James…together…in our bed. I flinch at the thought, I don't want to know. I've been tossing and turning for what feels like hours but it's still only 12. I have to get out… somehow stop the images of them tormenting me. I made my choice after all and this pain is self- inflicted. I could've stopped it. And inflicted the same pain on Amira. Torn my family apart…can't he see that? I'd be willing to burn in hell for him but I won't take them with me, I won't hurt them too.

And so I quickly dress and walk out into the balmy night, a night perfect for lovers I'm thinking bitterly to myself as I pass his flat and see the soft glow of candlelight flickering through the curtains. And the tears start so I run and find a place where I can be alone, pace and throw things and cry without fear of interruption. ..or being found out.

There's blood and my knuckles look swollen, I don't even remember punching the wall but I must have, that is my blood smeared there. Feeling foolish I get a cloth and wipe it clean and try to hide the evidence of my pointless tantrum in the bin. If it had only helped, but it hasn't… still all I can think about is them, naked…writhing…sweating… together…Christian loving him… I don't want to think about them but nothing will make it stop…stop all this from hurting so much.

Christian

When I walked into the pub he was near the door, his back towards me and his eyes on her. He was close enough for me to touch, to tease the soft dark curls so tempting on his collar just as I love to do, as I know he loves me to do. But even if I could, if he wasn't forbidden to me... even in thought I spit those words... but even if I could, James beat me to him, put his hand on my curls and thanked him for playing cupid. It stung him I knew it and I was glad. I wanted to show him, flaunt what he was missing, what he'd chosen to give up...so I pulled James in for a kiss. The look I shot him said this could be us ..this should be us if only you'd let it be. I wanted him raging with jealousy and I could see by the tension in his body and his fake smile that it was working. I knew it was killing him and I wanted it to if that's what it took to make him forget everyone, everything else but us. But any satisfaction was shallow and short-lived when she sang to him. How can I fight that and despite myself I understood him a little better. I want to hate her but I can't and I know I'd find it hard to hurt her too.

When we walked home I knew he'd be watching, I wanted him to be. I wanted him to feel what I feel when I see him with her. I tried not to look back when we reached my flat but I had to know I was right and I was. His eyes were boring into me, accusingly; I knew what he'd be thinking… how could I be with another man if I cared about him. I wanted to shout at him. 'Syed I wouldn't be with him if only you'd let yourself love me. You've made me do this; don't you see I have to do this to truly let you go? But it's not too late. It's still not too late.' So I put on a show for him.

Alone with James in the flat and I know I'm making a mistake. I love him…but as a friend. Already he's crowding me. He's so happy too, so I go through the motions and it seems to be enough. He's been badly let down and he needs me to love him. And I'll try, but it's Syed's face I see when I close my eyes, its Syed's body I crave demanding mine. Syed fills my heart, my consciousness, my soul like a drug. I have to give him up. I have to stop this…it's going nowhere.

I need air, James is smothering me. He means well but I'll hurt him, snap at him, I can't bare the look he gives me when I do that, it feels like I just kicked a puppy and I hate myself for it.

"James I have to go out, just for a while, I promised I'd check the refrigeration at the unit…it's been playing up…"

Syed

I don't even know why I came here, but at least I'll have a valid excuse if anyone wonders why I came wandering down here at midnight. The refrigeration unit has been playing up; I can tell them I was checking it. And then I can try and explain the broken chair, the papers strewn everywhere …the mess I made. I absently start to tidy it all before the tears overwhelm me again and I flop into the chair that I didn't break and bury my face in my hands in a futile effort to stem more useless tears.

I've lost him.

I rub my eyes and mindlessly look over some figures to take my thoughts off what's happening over there. I have to make myself forget him. What I feel for him is wrong so my feelings can't matter, I can't let them rule me. But how can love ever be wrong in anyone's eyes? Why must it cause pain for my family and make me an outcast from my faith? I've asked myself the same questions a thousand times and still I don't have an answer. I flick to a forum I've been reading, I need someone who will understand me, confirmation that I'm not alone.

For some it's worked and I concentrate on those before I read others where it hasn't and the bile and hatred and shame scream back at me accusingly from the screen. I shut it off and let the red hot tears stream unchecked this time down my face. The salt stings as I picture them together again and my heart feels butchered.

How can he be with him? How can he touch him like he touches me?

But I won't cry any more… it's what I want isn't it?…it frees me…damn these tears!….why won't they stop?

Footsteps?….someone's coming inside. Who would come here at this time of night? My heart's beating so fast I'm sure they'll hear me, I can't let them see I've been crying.

Despite myself I'm praying it's him. Praying that he couldn't do it, couldn't give himself to anyone else because he only wants me. Even as I think it, I know I have no right but it doesn't stop me.

Pull yourself together Syed; don't let him see that you've been crying…

But it isn't Christian.

"James? W..What are you doing here? "

"Syed!…I didn't think anyone would be here this late…Christian wanted to come and check the refrigeration unit but he looked tired. Guess I wore him out eh? So I volunteered…didn't give him much choice really… Syed are you ok mate, you haven't been crying?"

"No..I'm fine really, it's nothing…"

"It doesn't look like nothing to me..sitting here alone…do you want to talk?…"

"Er... no really, I came to do the same thing Christian was…it's um fine by the way…and I couldn't sleep…that's all…" Will that be enough for him to go?

"So long as you're sure, I guess you don't want to talk about it, I guess it's a pretty scary thing getting married…not that I'd know. Hey hadn't you better answer that…it might be her…?"

My phone ringing was a welcome distraction, both of us are equally uncomfortable, James at my tears and me for letting him see them.

I look across at my phone and shake my head, whoever it was, they can wait. He's such a nice bloke, trying to joke, cheer me up and he has no idea why everything he's saying is just making it worse and why it's not Amira who I need to ring me tonight.

"Yes it is…that's all it is, engagement jitters I expect…I'll finish here and get home…you should get back to..." but that's a sentence I can't bare to finish.

"Yeah I think he'll be missing me, hey and I haven't forgotten it was your matchmaking that got us together… I owe you, maybe Sunday lunch? Christian and me…well it just works better than I ever thought it could…"

The look in his eyes told me much more than I wanted to know…he couldn't hide it from me of all people and something died inside me. Maybe after all it was what I needed to get through this...to kill this love I felt. I feel. He's moved on.

"Well if you're sure you're ok…?"

"I'm sure," I just want him to leave and I ramble…"What it was I was thinking about…. it wasn't what I thought…it was nothing really…it couldn't have been… um why don't you take this…it's a consolation bottle of plonk from Peggy for Amira, probably to make up for rigging the votes …I don't think it's great quality but then I'm no judge…"

And I laughed to show I was ok and that he could go… back to Christian.

And finally he was gone…thank God. I don't think I could've kept that up for much longer.

My phone goes again. Who the hell is ringing me at this time of night?

"Hey…how come...?... yes…of course I'm surprised. Well you don't sound like you've changed much either…you never did respect what time of night it was when you turned up at my flat …yeah…no…actually I'd like that…no I don't feel much like being alone tonight either…"

Christian

I'd wanted to go out but he just took over and was out of the door before I'd had a chance to stop him. When he'd gone I was glad of the peace though and of course I thought of Syed, what was he doing. Would he answer me if I rang?

Guess the answer to that is 'no' and before I can try again James is back. He's talking and waving a bottle of wine at me but I can't hear him, only the important words are getting through...

"Syed at the unit..alone... upset …looked like he'd been crying"…about me? It can't have been over Amira she was so happy. I'm out of the door so fast it could make your head spin. I wanted to hurt him and yet I can't stand that he's hurting.

"James I'll be right back, Roxy just called…It sounded urgent…" I don't even care if he believes me.

But when I get there I'm too late.

His jacket is still hung over the chair though. It still has his warmth. I caress the leather and bring it to my face, the heady smell of leather and him conjures him instantly, but I need him here.

His phone rings…was he in such a rush he forgot it? I dither about answering but the decision is taken from me as it stops again. I reach into the pocket knowing I shouldn't and I pull out the phone. There's a voice message.

"Syed…Sy .."

...my pet name for him and it stings to hear this man use it…

"I'm walking up and down here but I don't see you…ah now I see you my friend…"

The voice sounds warm…who is he?…I check the name...Naseem, whoever he is. All I do know is that he is with Syed right now, embracing him like an old friend… or something more?…I don't know him but I hate him…I imagine Syed smiling at him and I hate him even more. Damn James for going to the unit, why didn't I go? I'd have made him explain his tears and then he'd still be here…with me.

I place the phone on a shelf and go home. I hope James is asleep, I don't want to talk.

The next morning James is awake early. Preparing breakfast, messing up the kitchen. fussing over me. As he goes to the fridge I get a flashback of Syed standing there instead and unfairly I'm angry with James for not being him. Once more I hate myself for feeling like this. He's a nice guy, a good friend. This is all such a mess. I make my excuses… I just have to get out, breakfast can wait, I need to run.

Why was he seeing this friend at that time of night? What does Naseem look like? Does Syed have feelings for him? Did he kiss him or did they do more last night? I want to scream and I have to know.

The running helps, lifts my spirits, but it doesn't stop me thinking the same questions over and over… where did he go last night? Was he trying to spite me after he saw me with James? Or forget me like I was trying to forget him? Who is Naseem? He's just a voice to me but I see them together and I run harder.

As I round the corner back to the square a dark blue BMW pulls up and Syed gets out. Someone climbs out of the drivers side…so that's Naseem, he's good-looking when I wanted him to be ugly. I stop and press myself against the wall close enough to hear but out of sight. I try and control my breathing so I don't miss a word.

It's the same voice I heard on the phone and Syed is laughing and even that feels like a betrayal.

"Well my friend thankyou for last night…I forgot how good we are together … I've missed you Syed…"

"I'm glad you rang , last night, it was good…I've missed you too…"

They've stopped talking and I lean forwards to steal a look and my heart stops as I see them embracing warmly. Syed is facing away but this man cares deeply about him, I can see it when he closes his eyes and hugs him tightly. This man he spent last night with.

I lean back out of sight and soon I hear the car go. I want to catch up to Syed, confront him but he is almost at the unit. I'll shower quickly, try and calm my crazy, heated thoughts then I'll find him, I have to know. I feel sick at the thoughts going through my mind and I'm angry with him. Insanely angry.

Seeing him with Amira cuts deeply but this is worse, this is feeling the knife go in and having it slowly twisted inside me. My mind is spinning, my thoughts a mess. How could he?

I make it to the unit and he's in the office searching but he doesn't hear me, so I watch for a while expecting him to sense the rage I feel from my look alone, but he's oblivious and I interrupt him, I'm impatient for a response…

"This what you're looking for?" And I hold up his phone.

He looks shocked to see me but what else can I see? Is it guilt there or just surprise? Usually I can read him so easily. Jealousy is blinding my judgement.

"Thanks…" he answers nervously and I hold on to his phone so he has to come over to me and take it.

"You're here early…you're not on the rota for a couple of hours." He tells me awkwardly. I'd enjoy his discomfort if it weren't for the reason behind it.

"Neither are you…Oh and James tells me you were here last night…he said you looked upset. Made a bit of a mess here. What's up? Trouble in Paradise?….did loves young dream have a tiff?"

I can't keep the edge from my voice…I'm trying to keep a lid on my anger but I'm not succeeding at all.

Syed

Why is he angry with me? He spent last night with James…! f====ing bloody James! so why is he angry with me? I'm the one who should be angry. But I don't want to fight with him.

I pass it off and pretend I haven't heard the underlying tension in his question.

"I hoped he wouldn't tell you…it was nothing…really …" I try and make a joke…"You know how I get when I can't balance the figures…"

But he doesn't laugh…just keeps staring back at me coldly. What did I say to James last night that upset him? I try again.

"So..you going to stay? I was just going to get started…the fridge seems ok anyway ."

I brush past him but he catches my arm.

"Who was he Syed? The guy in the BMW… I saw you this morning…"

That was Christian, straight to the point.

Now I understand. But how can he be questioning me? after he...? but I know that's not fair, he wouldn't be with James if it wasn't for me. I could dangle him, let him know how it feels, to think I'd really been with him, not just shared the chaste kisses that he knows is all Amira and I allow ourselves. But I won't play games with him; it's not my style and I can see it's killing him to think about it. And I understand that.

"Naseem is a friend, an old friend. He's in London for a conference, that's all and he called me. I knew him in Leeds. We went through a business plan he'd put together, he asked my advice..I was always better at figures than him… he offered me a job…back in Leeds…"

I see concern flicker in his eyes and I instantly reassure him…

"…I said no and we talked, that's all… "

"He looked like more than a friend to me…" he accuses.

"Like I said... " I answer defiantly, I don't have to explain this…! But I still do anyway. "...he's a good friend…"

"One of your one night stands?" the accusation still there but a little more tentative this time.

I want to tell him no, but I can't. There's no pretence with Christian and actually it's a blessed relief not to have to pretend with him, like I have to with everyone else. I did, I tried to pretend I was happy to let him go, but that particular façade is fading fast. He's jealous, insanely jealous and all I can think is… he doesn't love James and I can't contain how good that makes me feel.

"Yes, he was…when I first moved up to Leeds I didn't know anyone. We got together…don't know why, what he saw in me…I was just some frightened kid, not much older than Tam is now, trying to prove I was the man, that I could get by alone. It was a front, inside I was scared to death and he saw right through me, took me under his wing I suppose and helped me a lot till I learned the ropes. But he stayed a friend…a good friend."

"Thought you said they didn't mean anything…the one-night stands…" He asks, still accusingly but he knows I'm not lying to him.

"It didn't, the sex didn't…it was just once and that's all it was… just sex…we never made love, I've never made love with anyone like I do with..."

The words trail off as I look away embarrassed and what I thought had died in me breathed again and I understood him a little better.

I change the subject, "He's married now, and I don't see him like that, really I don't…"

He questions me further, flirtation dripping from every syllable…"Did you tell him about us?"

He tried, I know he did, so did I, but he's mine, we're each others and I can't resist him any more…My voice is breaking as I try and tell him how I'd been feeling…

"Last night... I didn't think we were an 'us'…"

Christian

All the anger in me evaporates in a second, the frightened kid has grown into a beautiful man and no doubt Naseem sees that too, but it doesn't matter. My jealousy's gone.

I pull him into my arms and I can see in his eyes it's the only place he wants to be. An overblown serenade in a pub could never compete with the look Syed has in his eyes right now..and it's all for me.

"So he's a friend this Naseem?…just as well…" I tell him, I want to tease him, "…he looked too old for you."

Syed rolls his eyes at me, " He's a year younger than you are…" and he smiles the first genuine smile he's flashed in days and it's a heartstopper.

"Ahh but I look good for my age…in fact very good I'd say…" He doesn't deny it.

"While I'm starting to look old for my years…and it's all your fault Christian Clarke…"

"It's called maturity Sy …and experience…and you should be grateful."

"I am… really…. I am… properly… grateful…" the words are broken up each time our lips touch. I love him so much it hurts…

"Oh God…What are we doing to each other Sy?"

"I don't know Christian. I don't know…"

He says it so earnestly. Only he says my name just like that and it's just one more thing to love about him.

"Do you want to stop?" I ask him already knowing the answer and holding him even closer.

"I can't…"

" Me either…come here…"