AN: This is my first and probably only fanfiction. I was just listening to the Foreigner song I Wanna Know What Love Is and this came into my head. I interspersed it with a few lines from If Only by Triumph and More Than Words by Extreme as well. I'm aware that song based fics are getting over done but I don't care... I had the inspiration and it wouldn't go away. The lyrics to the songs I based it around are at the bottom.I hope it's not too bad or has no glaring English mistakes. :)
I worry it's too choppy. Honest opinions appreciated. :)
I gotta take a little time
A little time to think things over
I better read between the lines
In case I need it when I'm older
More time. That's what he needed. Just a little longer.
He couldn't forget them yet. It still hurt. It wasn't like he wanted to be stuck in grief, he just didn't know how to begin to get out of it.
He'd thought he had all the time in the world. And then in comes Pike, and out goes his last chance when DC comes into play. His last chance at love.
He tried to read between the lines- he tries to see if she loves him, or loves Pike. Or maybe she doesn't love either of them. That would hurt, but at least there would be a chance to make her love him someday. If she went to DC with Pike, there would never be another chance.
The more the personal stake, the harder the read- he knew that, he knew that was why he couldn't read Lisbon, knew that was why she was still so close yet so out of reach.
What if he never could tell her? What if she decided she loved Pike? What if he never saw her again?
At least, he could always hold onto the idea that at one point, before Pike, she had loved him. At least he would have that much.
If only he could read her.
If only he knew for sure.
If only he wasn't afraid of rejection.
If only he could tell her.
If only Pike would get lost on the way to HQ one day.
If only he had more time.
Just a little longer.
Now this mountain I must climb
Feels like the world upon my shoulders
And through the clouds I see the light
It keeps me warm as life grows colder
It felt so awful. Like death from a thousand tiny cuts. Like being hung upside down for too long, feeling the pressure behind your eyes after the blood rushes to your head, feeling like your head will explode any second. Watching she and Pike, interacting like a couple... kissing, even. Kissing!
It was like an anvil on his chest- over his heart, making each rhythm harder and harder. He wondered, if she left, if it would keep beating at all. Or maybe it would "blow up and kill this man" like that cheesy country song.
He let out a humorless chuckle at the thought. That would be ironic. His only loves, is Angela, his Angel, and his beautiful little girl, his Charlotte, both gone because of him. And then he would go, not because of losing them, but because of losing another woman. He almost thought it would be worse.
Angela and Charlotte were gone, and there was nothing he could do about it. He couldn't see his daughter's face again. Could never hear his wife's voice again.
But he could see Teresa. He could hear her. He could call her on the phone, and yet she would never be his. He'd never be able to bear that.
He had to stop it. He had to know. He had to tell her.
But he couldn't. He didn't know why. He just couldn't. There was no use. She'd go and he'd never tell her. She didn't love him, anyway. She loved Pike, and she was happy with Pike, and above all he wanted her to be happy.
"I just... I really want you to be happy. That is the most important thing to me, that you do what makes you happy, okay?"
Suddenly, it felt heavier than it ever did. Now it like it was going to crush him. It was true, what he'd said. He wanted her to be happy. But he wanted himself to be happy too. He hoped he could have both.
He had to push through. He had to know for sure. Maybe she wouldn't choose Pike.
Maybe she didn't love Pike.
Maybe, she could be happy with him.
He struggled to shut off his emotions, to detach himself from her, to read her once and for all. He thought he could see…..something. Is that was it was? Did she love him? Did she?
It thought he could see it. Just a trace here, there, but he could see it. She loved him. He was almost sure of it. He hung onto the faint hope as he floundered, trying to force his thoughts and feelings into an order of some sort, trying to think of what to say and when to say it. Trying to find a way out.
If only he had more time.
I'm gonna take a little time
A little time to look around me
I've got nowhere left to hide
It looks like love has finally found me
When he'd first realized he loved her, he had tried to hide it. It felt like betrayal. It made him him feel guilty, somehow, and even though he knew it was irrational he couldn't seem to help it.
But, then, the prospect of losing her for good made him realizes just how much of himself he would be losing.
And besides. His Angel, his Angela, she would want him to be happy.
He knew the moment she confirmed it to him, that she was going to DC. He had to stop her. Convince her to stay.
By then, he thought he knew that she used to love him, but now she loved Pike. He had to come up with an elaborate plan to make her stay. He had to do something, anything, to make her love him again.
He had to get her back.
He couldn't let her go.
That was that.
In my life
There's been heartache and pain
I don't know if I can face it again
Can't stop now
I've travelled so far
To change this lonely life
To lose both the loves of his life would be unbearable. He knew he would never survive.
Of course, when his FBI contract was over and he was allowed to leave the state for non-case related reasons, he could visit her. But he knew it wouldn't matter. He wouldn't outlast his contract if she left.
If she left, she'd be taking whatever was left of his lifespan with her, whether she knew it or not.
He couldn't let her go.
He'd thought, at first, when Cho had told him, that she was right. Pike was the better man. She deserved so much better than him, than the lying, cheating, traitor who would hurt her again and again.
Then she told him herself, and then he knew he couldn't let her go. He'd come so close. He couldn't give up now, accept that he would live the rest of his life hurting, alone, lonely. He would have to give it one more shot.
If only I could change your heart
With just a simple song
If only I could stop the world
From turning out all wrong
It didn't work; it worked the wrong way. Instead of pushing her to him, he'd pushed her to Pike.
His first idea of how the night would end was with Lisbon, with her in that beautiful pink dress.. But then it changed to being drunk all night, without Lisbon, and alone with his misery.
Then along came the criminals, and SOZ, and Abbott, well, at least he had the sense to give up his keys. He'd have tackled his boss to get them.
When he finally ran to the fence, he wondered briefly what he should do- but it took only a moment for him to decide that jumping the fence was the only thing to do. Even though it hurt when he landed, even though he twisted his ankle, he finally made it to the plane, he finally saw her sitting there in the middle seat.
His heart was pounding wildly against his rib cage, his mind was reeling, everything he planned to say went out the window, and he just let the truth come tumbling from his lips.
I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me
It had been so long, he'd forgotten what love felt like. He knew what it was like to love Teresa, but for her to love him, for him to be loved, for someone to care if he lived or died- he wanted that again, wanted it so bad, but it had been so very long. He was afraid he didn't remember how.
He needed her. He needed her to teach him how to really live again, get out of neutral.
He knew she could choose Pike. He knew, then, he would have to love her enough to let her go. That what he had said was true. That he really wanted her to do what made her happy, and if that meant killing him in the process, then so be it.
"There you are," he said, limping up to her as quickly as he could, dodging people stowing away their carry ons.
"What are you doing here?" She looked up at him, anger flashing through her. There she was, engaged to another man and Jane was still messing with her. How had he even gotten on the plane? Nevermind, she decided, she didn't want to know and she didn't care. The thing was, he was there to say whatever he wanted to say to make her do what he wanted her to do, all over again. Of course he didn't want her to leave, he wanted everything to stay the same. Like his tea and his couch and his old brown shoes, she thought bitterly. Somewhere in the back of her mind she knew that was harsh. She knew he cared more for her than that. But she told herself she didn't care
"There's something I need to say." he was breathing too fast- she noticed but she didn't care why. She noticed he was limping hard, too, but she told herself she didn't care. She was done caring. She should have been done caring a long time ago, then she could've found someone like Marcus a long time ago.
"I don't want to see you, go away." She refused to look at him, and she imagined what he'd say. He'd give her another selfish, stupid speech about how he didn't want to break up the team and didn't want her to go. She didn't want to hear his crap ever again. She was done with it.
"You're right, you're right. I-I have forgotten how to act like a normal human being."
She looked up at him. That didn't sound like the start of another selfish, stupid speech.
In spite of herself, she started listening.
"... And I play games, and I lie, and I... and I trick people, to avoid the truth of how I feel."
She stared at him, wide eyed. No, this was not the selfish speech, not at all. This was...she gulped, holding back unexpected tears. This was sounding a lot like he was being honest with her. The look in his eyes, the tone of his voice- she had never seen him this way before. He seemed vulnerable. Fragile. Maybe a little scared.
"And the idea of letting anyone close to me is- is- is terrifying, for obvious reasons."
Yeah. No kidding, she thought. So far, his track record left them all dead or clinically insane.
Except her.
She had to swallow hard. Again. And there were those darned tears! She blinked furiously, trying to keep his face from going blurry. Whatever he was going to say, she needed to be able to see if he meant it.
"But the truth…..Teresa, is that, I can't imagine waking up knowing that I won't see you."
She heard the way his voice broke; she almost started crying outright, because he was crying. Patrick Jane was actually crying, not only in from of her but a whole plane full of strangers. She had never seen him cry.
"The truth is….. I love you."
She let the tears overflow now, as she shook her head and averted her eyes, trying to get a grip on her thoughts. He loved her? He actually loved her, in a way which was non platonic?
"You can't imagine how good that feels to say out loud," he said, "but it scares me, and it is the truth. It is the truth of what I feel."
No, no, she was engaged. She couldn't let Jane pull her under again. She was through with him. Even if he did love her, it would be a selfish kind of love, she decided, albeit irrationally. That was just how he was.
So she looked up at him and said the only thing she could think to say.
"It's too late, Jane, it's too late."
And then- that was when he said it, the thing that made her know this was not a selfish kind of love, or a whim, or a trick- the thing that made her believe Patrick Jane was in love with her.
"Maybe, maybe, and I understand. I needed to get to this…. and you deserved to hear it."
He loved her enough to let her go. He was willing to ruin his own happiness if it kept hers in tact. He wasn't smiling and saying "No pressure" while making her feel rushed, and he wasn't making her feel guilty for wanting to say no. He was giving her the facts, and walking away, telling her he would live with whatever she wanted.
He really loved her.
TSA stormed onto the plane to arrest him for compromising the flight. "Hands in the air!" they ordered. He followed the order immediately, but his eyes never left her face.
"I love you, Teresa. And it makes me happy to be able to say that to you." he said as he raised his hands and was prodded away by TSA with a gun in his back, still hollering about loving "that woman in 12B".
When he was gone, Lisbon burst into tears and began dabbing helplessly at her eyes. "I'm sorry, that was embarrassing," she managed to choke out.
The kindly looking woman beside her said, "Shh, honey, every woman on this plane is green with envy!"
It took her five minutes to get off the plane.
The first was spent in shock and embarrassment, trying to compose herself.
The second, replaying Jane's words in her head, comprehending their meanings fully, realizing he really loved her.
The third, she was honest with herself. She realized that she couldn't love Pike. No longer did she tell herself "she could learn to love him" or "she could make it work". She really couldn't love him. He wasn't Patrick Jane.
The fourth, she heard the lady beside her speak again. "What is it you want, Teresa? Whatever you decide now is your life, whether you stay on this plane or get off it. What will make you happy?"
"That is the most important thing to me, that you do what makes you happy, okay?"
"I love you, Teresa, and it makes me happy to be able to say that to you."
The fifth, she stood up, grabbed her carry on, and fled the plane.
She heard it erupt into cheers and applause behind her.
She slipped into the room. She could see Jane, lost in thought, not at all realizing anyone had come in.
She sat down slowly in the chair across from him. His eyes jerked into focus, landed on her.
"Hey," she said.
"Hi," he answered. The look on his face was almost heartbreaking. He really thought she was gone, she realized. He hadn't believed she would get off the plane. He really thought she loved Marcus.
"This is another fine pickle you've gotten yourself into, huh?" She knew she should come out and say it, ask what she wanted to, but she couldn't bring herself to do it quite yet.
"Meh, I've seen worse, pickle-wise." he responded, still looking at her in that adoring, but awed and relieved way. It made her nervous. She wasn't used to being the object of his sole attention.
"Yes you have." she responded. Her eyes landed on her wrapped and propped ankle; she remembered his pronounced limping on the plane, and the worry she had forced away at the time came back. "How's the ankle?"
"Oh, it's fine." He still didn't take his eyes off her. A ghost of a smile played on his lips. "You didn't to to DC."
"No," she answered, with a slight shake of her head. Then she knew she had to get to the question. The big one. She steeled herself for him to have "forgotten" or something else hurtful, and told herself that if he took it back, she'd get on the next flight to DC and be happy with what she could get. Never look back.
"Did you mean what you said?"
"Yes I did."
"Good." she couldn't stop her smile from spreading across her face.
"Just to be clear, we're talking about pickles, right?" he asked, even though his face and the undercurrent of his tone had said a different story about what he'd been agreeing to.
She realized, he was giving her an out. A reason to stay away. A chance to go be with Pike and forget him forever.
Fat chance, she thought, even though she appreciated his consideration.
"No. The other thing," she informed him, trying to keep a straight face
"Oh, that," he said, as if there was ever any doubt, with fake realization dawning on his features. Once a showman….. she thought, with an internal laugh. Good thing he was such a good actor, even though she could see through him.
"This is no joking matter," she said honestly.
"Yes. I meant what I said, every word of it." he said, looking at her so intensely she wondered briefly if he might burn holes right through her.
"Good. Because I feel the same way." she told him, smiling for real now.
His smile, however, was blinding and it made hers grow even more. "Well that's lucky,"
Understatement of the year, she thought.
"What about Pike?"
Trust him to ruin the mood.
"He'll understand," she said. She hoped he would. She dreaded calling him.
He continued to look at her with an intensity she had never seen before, but she was quickly deciding she liked it.
"Say it again," she said, giving in to her insecure urge to hear the three words over again.
He didn't miss a beat. "Say what again?"
She raised her eyebrows.
And then- he pushed himself onto one leg, leaned across the table, and kissed her.
She heard the guard banging on the window. She thought that was insensitive. She'd waited 12 years for this after all.
And then she didn't think anything more, because actions spoke louder than words and she knew he loved her. And she showed him what she felt the best she could.
Then you wouldn't have to say that you loved me…..
'Cause I'd already know….
AN: those last two from More Than Words by Extreme obviously... ;)
Song lyrics:
If only I could change the world
With just a simple song
If only I could keep my words
From coming out all wrong
If only I could make you see
Another point of view
If only wishes would come true
If only once upon a time
Could be the here and now
If only make believe could make
Believers of us all
If only I could touch the dream
So deep inside of you
If only wishes would come true
If only, if only wishes would come true
If only, if only I could get to you
Maybe we could make a wish come true
If only I could change your heart
With just a simple song
If only I could stop the world
From turning out all
If only everybody wished
The same things that I do
There would be hope for me and you
If only wishes would come true
If only wishes would come true
If only wishes would come true
If only words would make you mine
Why dont I see its so hard to find
I gotta try to make it right
I Wanna Know What Love Is
I gotta take a little time
A little time to think things over
I better read between the lines
In case I need it when I'm older
Now this mountain I must climb
Feels like a world upon my shoulders
And through the clouds I see love shine
It keeps me warm as life grows colder
In my life there's been heartache and pain
I don't know if I can face it again
Can't stop now, I've traveled so far
To change this lonely life
I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me
I'm gonna take a little time
A little time to look around me
I've got nowhere left to hide
It looks like love has finally found me
In my life there's been heartache and pain
I don't know if I can face it again
I can't stop now, I've traveled so far
To change this lonely life
I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me
I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
And I wanna feel, I want to feel what love is
And I know, I know you can show me
Thanks for reading! Review please! And be honest. I think this probably needs a lot of editing. :p I'm just not sure which parts.