The Human Man and the half-blood mank
Chapter 1 The test
This was it; the Human Man was facing up to Shagwarts' very own Barry Pothead. It was a fight to the death! WITH MAGIC! AND SHIT!
Barry took the first move 'NINTENDO' He cried passionately and out came a Nintendo 64 'AHA! Now we play Super Luigi Land and see who gets the biggest score, and yo gonna lose cuz I iz MLG pro init blud, got about 5 million montages of me doing 720 no-scopes with sniper rifles init home-boy'
The Human Man was not amused and cried out his spell 'EAT SHAT'. Unfortunately the spell was cock blocked by Barry Potheads rather long wand, and hit some kid called Diko Mouthfull in the penis. Diko started spewing shit from every one of his holes, 'Rank!' Said the old geezer, now named Dumbledildo 'I didn't know such bitchcraft existed D:'
Barry Pothead was growing weary of the Duel as The Human Man Didn't know how to sit down and pick up a controller due to his brain problemos. It seemed like the duel was going to end in a draw WHEN SUDDENLY!
'AHAA!' Said a rather unknown voice 'IT IS I, BIG BUFF'. Out from Dumbledildo's skirt popped the unknown voice guy from before 'I HAVE FOUND YOU AGAIN, MY NEMISIS, THE HUMAN MAN!' screamed the voice 'WE STILL HAVE A SCORE TO SETTLE, Or something'.
Unfortunately The Human Man didn't notice that he was being yelled at 'Huuuhn?' He said as he wondered why everyone was looking over at Dumbledildo's Direction. But unfortunately The Human Man didn't have a power called 'Wonder' due to his dis-abilities.
'ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED' the unknown voice guy raved. 'Not really' said some ginger kid. 'THEN YOU WILL DIE!' The unknown voice guy boomed. He took a humungous shit on some toilet paper, now £3.50 at your nearest store, and threw it towards the ginger kid. 'Bloody hell' said the ginger kid at shat covered his whole body from head to toe. 'TAKE IT BITCH' Said Big unknown voice guy.
'So you think you are a bigger threat than I iz?' questioned a strange voice. 'Oh f*ck me sideways and call up the RAF to tell them that I need a mouthful of dick to quell my hunger and call me DumbleDildo' shouted Dumbledildo 'IT'S VOLDERMANK!'
Stood there was a guy draped in some sort of footy kit with the words Men-U printed on it. 'Do you fucking mind?' Said Barry Pothead 'We're trying to kill eachother Here and you just f*cked it all up'.
'Sorry little boy' said Voldermank in a rather horny voice 'It won't happen again, unless…you want it to eh heh heh heh'
'Hey where'd that guy calling himself the human Mank go?' exclaimed Dumbledildo Everyone looked confuzzled as the Human Man was nowhere to be seen :/
Mouthfull was still spewing shat all over the place and soon Shagwarts became known as Shatwarts The school of bitchcraft and whoreizory.
Chapter 2 the one thing
The Human Man fell out of a window and tumbled down a cliff then hit a flat ledge 'oops' said the human man as he noticed he had flattened a very small curly haired, quite fat, little child. 'SAMMY NO!' Shouted a voice.
A little boy ran over to the Human Man and picked up the flattened kid 'Who did this to you, oooooohhhhhhh Sammy'. The Human Man had to think fast! Over yonder there was this ugly looking goblin thing crouching down, The human Man Pointed his finger 'HE DID IT'. The second little boy told the goblin thing to 'Go Home' The goblin thing started crying like a little bitch and fell down the mountain. 'Butter fingers' Said the second little boy 'Thanks for telling me who did this to my precious friend, Sammy' said the Little Chump.
'No problem Happy to –' The Human Man couldn't think of a word because of his brain problems. 'My name is Homo Teabaggins' said Homo Teabaggins 'What's yours?'. 'I don't have a name, or a face for that matter, but I eat my vegetables so you can call me the Human Man!'
'Thanks Human Man but I gotta go ditch this ring in a volcano so I'll brb' Said Teabaggins. 'Ok Lad' said The Human Man.
3 years past and Homo Teabaggins didn't come back so the Human Man made his way down the cliff but slipped on Someones shat and took a tumble off the cliff 'Whoopsy poopsy' said the Human Man as he was falling down.
He finally landed on solid ground 'What the shit' said a familiar voice, The Human Man looked up, and to his surprise, it WAS MR MAN COLD, Dr Man Freezes twin sister. She looked exactly like him, had a penis and everything, some people have questioned if it's actually a girl but the Human Man says it's a woman and after all; The Human Man knows best!
The Human man had been travelling the Harsh plains of Gayland where you could get raped at any minute
PING
A random dude wearing a cap and had some red and white balls in his hand ran up to The Human Man 'I challenge you to a pokebattle' shouted the boy. 'But Why' Questioned the Human Man
'Ahem' the boy cleared his throat
'I wanna be the very best, like no one ever was.
To catch them is my real test, to train them is my—'
'BITCH PLEASE' SHOUTED THE HUMAN MAN and he took a shit on Pikachoochootrain. PikaChoochootrain was suddenly allergic to Human Man shit and blew up 'ITS SUPER EFFECTIVE' said a rather annoying commentator voice.
The boy suddenly got confused and killed himself in the confusion.
Chapter 3 Back in town
After a long haaaaaard Walk back to Bumgellatropetan city, the Human Man finally found himself back home. Everything was as he left it, the ladder had a cold, the phone was stuck to the ceiling, and all his stuff had been robbed. 'Home sweet –' The Human Man couldn't finish the phrase due to his Brain Problems, That and the fact that he found that someone had been sleeping in his house D:.
'Who has shat in my chair, Who has been eating my Shit, and who has been sleeping on my laminate wooden flooring' questioned the Humane Mane. 'Why IT IS I, MAN SQUATTER' shouted a voice from across the room, and out came a guy who looked familiar 'MY GOD, IT'S YOU' Said Man squatter.
'Who the f*ck are you' shouted the Human Mank. 'I used to have a job delivering mail, I was known as Man Paper, but after I Was killed by you I lost my Job and became a hobo with an asbo init' said the former Man Paper.
'Oh, well clean the place up after you've finished using it' said Human Man. The Man Paper Man squatter Cummed upto the Human man 'Willdo' he said. Something about his answer to the non-existant question was…wrong The Human Man could feel it, in his mouth and pants.
The Human Man was getting hungry so he ate his own shat and went to bed, after 25 hours of sleep he made for the nearest SuperMcPizzaBurgerLand to get their speciality, a Kebab. After leaving the SuperMcPizzaBurgerLand he bumped into some homeless guy who was eyeing up the Human Mans raaather long and Haaard Kebab.
The Human Man wasn't stupid, for a change, and knew this guy was bloody hungry. But at the same time so was the human Man. The Human Man was, however, feeling generous, so he took a huge shat on the half eaten kebab to give it more flavour and handed it to the homeless man guy. The homeless man guy threw up all over the Kebab. 'Good Idea' said the Human Man 'gives it seasoning :D', The Homeless guy 'accidently' took a bite out of the now-tasty Kebab and then 'accidently' fell onto the Human Man and 'accidently' entered him.
'NOT ON A FIRST DATE' Shouted the Human Man, but the human man didn't know what a first date was so he was raped by the Homeless man-guy. After the Homeless man cummed off the Human Man he handed the Kebab back in disgust. 'your loss' said the Human Man and he skipped down the road happily eating his scrumptious Kebab 'MMMMYEAH' Said the Human Man 'TASTY AS SHITE'
Unfortunately the Human Man got run over and dead, morale of the story, don't skip down a ROAD! He Lucky because due to his brain problems He didn't know how to die. So he made his way back home.
The Human Man was thirsty now, and the thought of drinking his own piss was disgusting urrgh who would do that, that's SICK! So he drank The Man Squatters piss instead and went to bed. Eh heh heh heh that rhymed, I'm a poet and don't even know that lol xD.
Chapter 4 THE DREAM ENEMY STRIKES BACK!
The Human Mad had a horrific dream while asleep, it's called a nightmare :o
Chapter 5 Getting a job
The Human Man didn't know he had a mortgage to pay, what the fuck was a mortgage to the Human Man anyway?
The Human Man made for the nearest SuperMcPizzaBurgerLand
(God If I have to type that shops name again, I'm gonna cry shit from my eyes)
Anyway he went to SuperMcPizzaBurgerLand to see if he could get a job as a waitress there, Unfortunately the Job man said he was not right for this type of job, the Human Man saw this as racial discrimination and decided to call the police force. The Navy turned up to the food shop. 'What?' They questioned as they walked up to the Human Man. One of them was called Andy or some shit like that. 'These guys are being racist to me' Said the Human Man. 'So Why'd you call us and not the police' Questioned the entire Navy in unison. 'Wrong number' said the Human Man 'But I figured you could tell me what racism was'. 'What the F***? FUCK YOU B*TCH'
The Navy was pissed and left the SuperMcPizzaBurgerLand. The Human Man was disgraced at this level of service so he called the queen on his handy speed-dial phone 'Sup me N***a' said the queen. 'Yo MOFO You gotta keep dose Navy boys on a leash, know what I'm saying mutha trucka?' said the Human Man. 'Ahhhhh mate iz right da Human Man init blood willdo skiddy skood' replied the queen.
'Thanks sket' said the Human Man and he put the phone back down his pants and left the SuperMcPizzaBurgerLand and headed back to his house which was being robbed by a bunch of Debt collectors.
The Human Man pulled out his gun from his tight pants and held it at the man debt collectors 'What iz da meaning of dis?' questioned the furious and rather hungry Human Man.
'Sorry mate' said man collector Un
'Yeah lad sorry kidda' said man Collector Deux
'Init' said man Collector Twat
'Yeah we'll be going now' said Man collector four
'BUT I'M NOT' Said BARRY POTHEAD 'We still have a duel to settle'
'Fucking Sh**' said the Human Man, 'I fagget'.
'You're damn right you faggot' Said Barry Angry Pothead
A streak of white lightning(?) came from Barry's pants and covered the Human Man from heads, shoulders, knees and toes knees and toes.
This didn't affect the Human Man whatsoever as it actually missed and hit some idiot jumping in the way of the Human Man, what a chump.
'Urggghh' said the guy on the floor. 'Who iz dat?' said the Human Man. 'It is I, BIG BUFF' said the unknown voice 'I just sacrificed myself to save your life, now end this, my nemesis! Oh and btw I'm your father g2g bb'.
The Human Man looked puzzled, due to his brain problems he didn't know what a father was.
'What a willy' said Barry Pothead 'Dying in vain like that, now your move HUMAN MAN!'
Could this be the end of the Human Man?
Could Barry Pothead be his greatest enemy?
FIN OUT NEXT TIME!
After this short adbreak
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Chapter 6 Epiphany
The Human Man looked angry as he finally grasped what had just happened 'MR MAN COLD'S A GUY!' HE shouted in sudden realization
'Whatever' said Barry Pothead 'NOW DIE!'
The Human Man was set on fire but he couldn't feel pain because of his brain problems the size of a footy field.
The human Man needed a massive quickie, so he took the initiative while no one was looking. BUT he was spotted by Barry Pothead 'EWW WHAT ARE YOU DOING' said Barry Pothead 'I was just…having a w*nk' replied the Human Man, due to his brain problems he didn't know how to Lie.
The Human Man CLIMAXED ALL OVER BARRY'S FACE AND IN HIS ASS HOLE! Barry felt violated and dead. He not lucky :/.
The Human Man had won once again and proved that there is still justice in the town of Wallasey.
A few weeks passed after the incident and all was…normal…sort of in Bumgellatropetan
It was Christmas and the Human man was waiting for his favourite celebrity, Man Christmas to cum down his chimney and deliver 'Presents'
Will Man Christmas visit?
Will Human Man have another Party?
Is Unknown voice really deaded?
Find out next time on Jedward Scissor Mans 6!
Reader comments
Voldermort: I FUCKING KNEW IT!
TotallyNotDom: Wow *sniff* so much emotion another great story ;_;
Joshyboiiii: I love this book sooo much I get moiiist from reading EVERY WORD!
HeroinGingerfan666: I thought he's supposed to bang Heroin Ginger? Can't even stick to your own damn story!
TronDeaslyGingerBinger573: This sucks the balls more than I do -_-
AndrewShaw: I know the people who write this crap, unfortunately…
ChuckyLongChong: Greeting from China I HATE THIS BOOK WHY DOES IT EXIST!?
CODFAN550: God what a waste of time, I'd rather be playing COD!
XxXMLGPROSHOXxX: I have 8 million montages, beat that Stupid Barry Pothead. Btw this book SUCKS!
Writer's comment
We thank you all for generous support, without you loyal fans we would've killed ourselves by now. Keep reading as the next Human Man instalment will BLOW YOUR TOP!
Honestly? HONESTLY? YOU WRITE ANOTHER ONE!? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?
You don't stick to the story, you RIP-OFF every other story in an attempt to make it your own! Barry Pothead is obviously Harry Potter and Voldermank is FUCKING VOLDERMORT! HOMO TEABAGGINS IS FRODO BAGGINS AND SAMMY IS SAM FROM LORD OF THE F*CKING RINGS! I THINK I'M GONNA GOOO MAAAAAAA—
He exploded from the amazingness of the story.
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