So this was meant to be some sort of crack fic. I was trying for a different sort of style but it didn't really work. Oh well ;)
I am going to warn you that there are slight spoilers for season 10
I think most of the characters are a bit OOC but hopefully not too much that you can't read it. To help you a bit with timelines and the sort I have a handy little list :P
Rose and Nine: after the Blitz
Martha: after her travels with the Doctor
Donna and Ten: after the Library
Jack: after Torchwood
Amy and Rory: after Manhattan
Clara and Eleven: traveling together but before Tenzalore
Bill, Nardole, and Twelve: after Lie of the Land
River: at Darillium
Hope the list helps :)
Ok, on with the show!
XXXXXxxxxxXXXXX
"This isn't going to work, sir." A bespectacled old man sighed as he looked up from his computer.
"It has to!" The gruff voice of the man in charge vibrated the room as he stalked over to his cowering employee.
"But why? Why bother?"
"Because," he sighed, "the pay is brilliant."
"What pay?" the old man frowned, "We aren't getting paid."
"Last time I checked, not dying is pretty good pay." He sighed again, sitting down in the chair next to the older man.
"That's not pay – that's survival." The old man mumbled as he turned back to the surveillance feed of the three rooms that held the unwilling participants of the game.
With a groan the twelfth doctor pushed himself up from the stone floor. Blinking rapidly he tried to see where he was. Terrified for a moment that he had lost his sight again he let out a sigh of relief when his eyes focused on the other three occupants in the room.
"No, no, no, no, no, no!" he muttered under his breath, his Scottish accent deepening with agitation. Why was he in a room with three of his previous selves? They couldn't know about him. Bowtie was meant to be the last face, Bowtie was meant to be given regenerations by Gallifrey but he wasn't meant to know about it before hand!
Ten looked around the room, his spiked hair swaying slightly as he turned his head. Oh this wasn't good, incredibly not good. His ninth self (or rather tenth if one counted the traitorous body that destroyed Gallifrey) was here and some baby-faced idiot wearing – is that a bowtie?! And is that the man from Pompeii? What's he doing here? And in a scarlet lined coat of all things? The tenth doctor's mind raced as he tried to comprehend what was going on.
A scowl shaped the ninth doctor's face. He was in a room, probably locked, with three other men, well two young men, one barely out of nappies, and an old man – probably all idiots to boot. A sigh escaped his lips, well, no point denying it – he was going to have to save the day again! And to cap it off Rose and that ex-time agent are nowhere to be seen. He'd have to go find them as well.
Eleven jumped to his feet and promptly held his head in his hands, "Ooooo, stood up to fast." He groaned. After waiting a moment for the dizziness to subside he clapped his hands loudly, earning glares from the other occupants in the room – two of which were him and is that? No! It is! The marble man from Pompeii!
A frown flickered over the Doctor's face, thinking of Pompeii brought up the painful memories of Donna. Shaking his head, earning a sharp jab of pain in his brain, he plastered a smile on his face and turned to look at the door – the only exit.
"It'll never work, you numpty," Twelve said to his predecessor, "the door's made of wood."
Eleven looked back with a frown and continued to scan the door with his screwdriver.
"Ughhhhhhh," Rory rubbed his head before slowly opening his eyes. The first thing he saw was a shock of ginger hair, frowning he realized that it was slightly darker than Amy's hair. Sitting up quickly he glanced around the crowded room – there were two ginger women – not looking forward to the sass there he thought, one's enough, thank-you very much! Two black women – wow, her afro is impressive, he never could get Mels to wear her hair like that. A blond, a brunette, a bald man, and another man in a trench coat.
Second to wake up was Martha, looking around she saw seven bodies lying on the ground. Her stomached dropped, were they dead? There was also a man who was awake and bent over one of the flame haired women – presumably making sure she was ok. Taking another glance around the room, Martha recognized Rose – how'd she get here? Donna – please, oh please, don't let her brain burn up! And Jack – he'll be fine, one of the advantages to being immortal. Crawling over to Donna the freelance doctor gently shook her friend.
"Donna? Donna? You ok?"
"Get off me!" Donna yelled, waking a few of the others.
"Donna! It's ok. How's your head?" Martha questioned.
The older woman glared at Martha for a second before a big grin broke across her face. "Martha! Good to see you. What hell hole are we in? Who are all these people?"
Nardole glared at the occupants of the room. He needed to get out of here, he needed to find the Doctor, and he needed to get back to the vault – who knew what Missy was up to in there? But first things first, he needed to make sure Bill was ok. The Doctor would never forgive him if another companion was lost, especially after…. No, no good to think about that.
"Bill? Bill? You ok?"
"Gahhh." Bill shook her head without opening her eyes, "I have a massive headache, Nardole, I need pain killers."
"We can get that after we get back to the TARDIS." Nardole whispered.
Slowly Bill sat up and took in her surroundings, "Where are we? And who are they?"
River groaned as she sat up. She had been in bed on Darillium with her husband so how the hell did she get here? Looking around the small drab room she saw only a wooden door, stone flooring, and stone walls. Sighing, she ran her fingers through her curls, what to do, what to do? Obviously escape was in order, but how? She was dressed in her pajamas, thankfully! – it wouldn't do to try to escape naked, not that she hadn't done it before.
With a happy gasp River picked up the gun that was laying under her hand. She must have held onto it when she was transported to wherever 'here' was. Since she started to share a bed with the Doctor on Darillium she had taken to leaving the gun in her drawer instead of under her pillow like was her custom but recent events caused her to pick up the habit again.
Bending down, River tore the bottom of her TARDIS blue pajama pants so that she could tie them tight to her leg. There is no point in tripping or getting the flapping material stuck in something when it could have been avoided. Resting her head gently against the wooden door, River tried to determine if anyone stood on the other side.
"Hello?" she said softly. No answer. Taking a look at the hinges and the lock on the door she realized that the door would swing out of the room.
"Thank Rassilon for small miracles," she muttered before taking a step back.
The door looked to be in decent shape so it would take a fair amount of power to break it down. "Please work." River said to herself before giving the door a good strong front kick near the key hole. Gritting her teeth she repeated the action despite the splinters that were embedding themselves in her foot.
With a grunt of satisfaction the door gave way and River peered out into the hallway. Frowning, she wondered why no one had come to investigate the noise.
"We need to stay calm!" Jack bellowed over the noise of the different companions talking – some quite loudly. "Thank you." He said as the other occupants in the room stopped talking to look at him. "We need to figure a way out of here and that is not going to happen if we don't stay calm. Does anyone know why we are here or where here is?"
One by one everyone shook their heads.
"Look." Nardole walked up to Captain Jack, "I need to get out of here, I need to find the Doctor. I am fully licenced to kick his arse and right now he has a job to do and it's my job to make sure he does that job. Is that understood?" He poked the taller man in the chest emphatically.
"I need to get to the Doctor was well!"
"How do you know him?"
"What gives you the right to say that the Doctor needs you? What about us?"
"I just want to find my husband." Martha groaned with her head in her hands.
"We need to get back to our son! He's only 12!" Amy yelled, she was getting too old for this.
"QUIET!" Donna yelled.
Clara smiled at Donna before standing on a small stone bench that protruded from the wall. Putting on her best teacher voice and face she addressed the group, "We need to get out of here, yes, but obviously we all know the Doctor and we know that if he's out there he is trying to find us. So, before we try to do any escaping I think we should introduce ourselves."
"What if we don't have time to do the whole meet and greet?" Bill worried.
"I'm sure it'll be fine, yeah?" Rose smiled at the other girl.
"I'll go first, since I'm the oldest." Jack began.
"I doubt you're the oldest, mate." Rory laughed as he ran his hand through his thinning hair.
"Oh? And how old are you?" Jack smirked.
"Over two-thousand." Rory smiled with a shrug.
Gasps escaped from numerous people in the room.
"You beat me." Jack raised his hands in mock submission, "Though not by as much as you think."
With a nod Rory began, "I'm Rory and along with my wife, Amy," he gestured to her, "we traveled with the Doctor when we were younger, unfortunately we were sent back in time by the weeping angels. Due to a paradox around us and New York the Doctor could not come and get us so we built a life in a new country and time. We have a son and I think it's safe to say we want to get back to him."
Amy nodded along as her husband spoke, "His name is Anthony, and he's only twelve."
Martha smiled softly at the older couple, "My name's Martha, and I am also not as concerned with finding the Doctor." She put her hands up and plowed on, "I haven't traveled with him for a while and while I would love to see him again I want to get home to my husband and twin girls. They're six months old." She smiled at Amy who grinned back.
"I've got kids I nanny." Clara began, "But today's my day with the Doctor so right now he is my priority – honestly sometimes he's more work than the kids! Oh, and I'm Clara Oswald."
"I'm Rose. I really think we should try to find the Doctor, he is all alone…. I think he's sad but won't let it show."
Donna nodded, "Donna Noble. Spaceman does try to hide how he feels. He has lost so many people." She glanced at Rose.
"Right, I'm Captain Jack Harkness. Hello." He smiled.
"Jack, not now!" Martha laughed.
He smiled back at her, continuing, "I work for Torchwood – or rather I did…" For a moment his age could be seen before he turned to Nardole, "What about you Humpty Dumpty?"
"Hey!" Bill exclaimed. "You can't talk to Nardole like that. Bill, by the way. The Doctor is my tutor but it's more than just physics now."
"I'm Nardole, like she said. I am not a companion like the rest of you, I have been instructed by the highest authority to keep the Doctor in check and kick his arse if he needs it."
"So you have said." Jack frowned, "Who is this authority?"
"Professor River Song." Nardole said smugly as he bounced on his toes and tugged on his jacket.
Several gasps were heard before Rose asked, "Who is Professor Song?"
Jack shook his head vigorously, "That question can wait for later," he croaked out. "Right now we need to find a way out."
River held her gun in her hand making her way softly down the hall. How she had managed to escape detection thus far was inconceivable, but by some great luck, the universe appeared to be smiling on her. Walking was not getting any easier as the wood remained lodged in her foot. Thankfully she was able to think through many different scenarios at the same time and push the pain of her foot into the back of her mind – one of the many advantages to having a Time Lord's, or rather Lady's, brain.
She wasn't sure where she was or where she was going but by far the most disconcerting part was not waking up on a stone floor in her pajamas or breaking down a door without anyone waiting to shoot her. No, the most problematic part of this escape was the distinct lack of guards in the halls. So far she had come across no one and the further she went the more troubling it was becoming.
"Doctor!"
"Doctor."
"Doc!"
"Oi, Spaceman where are you?"
Having gotten out of confinement the companions were calling softly as they walked down the halls of the compound that they had been trapped in.
"It isn't working!" Jack grunted as he shook his hand-held device.
"We will just have to keep calling then." Martha sighed.
"Doctor!"
"Doctor!"
"This isn't working!" Bill groaned.
"Keep trying, we'll find him soon." Clara smiled at Bill as they continued to walk along calling for the Doctor.
"Something's wrong," Rory said to his wife, "Last time I was walking through prison or an enemy base it was swarming, but here, there is no one."
Amy frowned, "You're right. I'm going to tell Jack."
"Doctor!"
"Doctor!"
"Doctor!"
They continued to call as they made their way through the winding halls.
"Yes. I've been wondering about that myself." Jack frowned as Amy questioned him about the lack of people patrolling the halls. "But right now we need to find the Doctor so any problems we come across we are just going to have to deal with when we get to them."
"But what if the Doctor's not here?" Martha asked.
"We don't know that! We have to keep trying." Rose said over her shoulder to those behind her.
"Where is he?" Nardole muttered, "We have to get back to the vault."
"Doctor!"
"Doctor!"
"Doctor!"
"Grandfather!" Bill yelled at the top of her lungs. She was feed up with this nonsense, there were no guards, the Doctor wasn't answering, and she still needed those painkillers.
The others all stopped to look at her, "Grandfather?"
"Yeah, sorry. Sometimes I call him that. I just wanted to mix it up."
Amy and Rory turned to Bill, "He's not actually your grandfather. Is he?" Amy asked.
"Um. I don't think so. Why?"
"I am NOT ready to be a great-grandmother." Amy said before she started walking again.
"Wait. What?" Bill ran after her.
The twelfth doctor pounded his head softly against the door. Bowtie and Leather were arguing about the correct way to break down a door and Sandshoes was sulking in a corner. He didn't want them to know that he was a future version of them so he was trying to keep 'low-key'. So far it had proved to be challenging.
He hit his head softy against the door again and thought that he heard something. Pressing his ear against the hard wood he strained to catch what was being said on the other side.
"Shut up!" the old Time Lord said to his younger selves. "I'm trying to listen."
"You won't hear anything." Ten snapped, "Humans don't have the hearing of Time Lords and I can't hear anything."
"That's because these two pudding brains won't shut up!" Twelve retorted with a glare at Eleven and Nine.
Pressing his head against the wood once again Twelve was positive he could hear someone, someones?, calling his name.
"Grandfather!" echoed into the room. The doctors looked at one another perplexed. Twelve just rolled his eyes and began pounding on the door.
"Bill! Bill! I'm in here!" He called back.
He continued pounding and yelling when all of a sudden the door swung open causing Twelve to stumble out.
"Sir!" Nardole exclaimed rushing to him.
Gruffly Twelve grabbed Nardole as the other companions rushed to the version of the Doctor they knew best. "I don't want anyone knowing I'm the Doctor." He whispered.
"Why?" Bill asked as she drew close to the two men.
"I'm not meant to exist. I am the start of a new set of regenerations and I don't want those idiots to know if we can help it."
"Did you just call yourself an idiot?" Bill grinned.
"Hmphh." The Doctor grunted as he made his way back to the group.
"What do we do now?" Clara asked Eleven.
Twelve gritted his teeth. He recognized everyone else that clustered in the hall way but that brunette…. There was something about her – she must be Clara. His heart clenched, he started to make his way slowly over to her.
"Sir, you mustn't." Nardole touched the other man's arm.
"I have to." The Doctor croaked.
"She doesn't know you. It's best to leave alone. Don't you say?" Nardole said sympathetically.
Twelve drew his eyebrows together, nodded, and tried to blink the tears away.
"Doctor!" Rose cried looking down at crimson spot on the floor.
"What is it, Rose?" The ninth doctor asked.
"I think its blood." Her face screwed up in worry she pointed at the spot on the stone floor."
Eleven rushed forward and scanned the liquid, "Its blood."
"There's more up here!"
"And here."
"It keeps going Doctor."
"Follow it." Ten called out following the blood trail.
Eleven stood still, his face ashen, unable to pull his eyes from the results on the screwdriver.
"What is it, Bowtie?" Twelve said gruffly.
Eleven shook his head as if to clear it. "River…" He mumbled before running off and weaving through the others.
The blood drained out of the twelfth doctor's face.
River stood with most of her weight on one foot. She could feel the blood pooling beneath her other foot, the one she had used to break down the door. Pushing the pain to the corner of her mind she held her gun in front of her, pointing it at the two men she had found watching the monitors.
"What's going on? How did I get here?" She glanced at the monitors behind the men and noticed multiple figures running through the halls. "How did we get here? I would say that you used some sort of teleport, one that can catch on to biological data through time? Yes. Ok. But there didn't appear to be any such teleport in the room that I was locked in and I believe it would be safe to say that there wasn't a teleport in the rooms that they were in either." She tilted her head to the moving figures on the screens.
"So that means," she continued, "there is probably a single teleport, probably close to here, and we were carried or were moved via an internal teleport. So where is the teleport? And if you could, answer me this: where are all the guards?"
"It's only us ma'am." The older man answered.
"What? Why?"
"There didn't need to be any more. No one was meant to get hurt. You were all meant to escape eventually."
"I don't understand." River frowned, lowering her gun but keeping it grasped in her hand.
"It's a game!" The younger of the two men shouted, "Just a game." He whispered.
"What sort of idiot would lock people up for fun?"
"River! You're ok!" Eleven came barreling into the room and skidded to a stop beside his wife.
"Sweetie! What are you doing here?"
"I don't know. I just woke up in a room with two of my former selves and this old man, I think I met him in Pompeii. Who are these guys?" He turned to look at the men. But before he could get an answer the others came rushing through the door.
"River!"
"Professor Song!"
"Melody!" Amy cried earning confused looks from the others.
"Hi, mum." River smiled shyly. Before looking directly at Twelve, "So many of you Doctor. Is it my birthday?"
"Rivahhhh!" The eleventh doctor said, his ears starting to turn red.
Twelve pushed through the others to stand directly in front of River, he glared down at her, "Do you know who I am?"
River smiled up at him, "Yes." She breathed.
"Good. You!" He turned to the men, "Get up." He grabbed the chair and pulled it over. Turning to look at River he scowled, "Sit."
"Why?" River frowned.
"Your foot is bleeding." He said softly as he pushed against her shoulders and made her sit. Kneeling, he picked up her foot and began to inspect it. "Nardole!" He yelled over his shoulder.
"Yes, sir?" Nardole scampered over to the Doctor and his wife.
"Do you still have my sunglasses?"
"Sir, ma'am." Nardole nodded as he handed the glasses over.
The Doctor put the glasses on his face and looked at River's foot.
"It's just some splinters." River said trying to pull her foot away.
Twelve held onto her foot firmly. "Some of these are logs, River!" He growled.
Eleven glared at Twelve. He couldn't quite hear what they were talking about. He huffed and crossed his arms.
"Go over to her." Rory said.
"She doesn't want me." He muttered.
"She's your wife. Go to her."
"She's got him." Eleven glowered.
"Doctor, as your father-in-law, as River's father… as your friend please go. She needs to know you care." Rory stood firm.
Eleven looked at his friend, Rory had aged since he had last seen the Roman yet his years as the Last Centurion were still evident. "Rory the Roman, I will go to her." Taking a big breath the bow-tie clad doctor made his way back to River, Twelve, and Nardole.
"That's my wife." Eleven glared at Twelve. "Step back."
"What idiot walks away when his wife is bleeding?" Twelve drew his eyebrows together as he stood up.
"River, are you ok?" Eleven ignored his future self.
Pushing back the pain River stood to her feet, "Of course, Sweetie."
A snort came from the oldest Time Lord.
After shooting a glare at the husband she was spending twenty-four years with, River turned the collected group, "We were teleported here from our respective timelines. If you just wait patiently we will have the data entered, and you can go back to your times shortly. I'm not sure if you will remember any of this as a paradox has formed as a result of the Doctor crossing his own time line. If you could follow me?" Pushing past her husband she made her way to a door on the other side of the room.
With the help of Nine, Ten, and Eleven, River soon had the teleport ready. Tears were shed and hugs were given as one by one the companions were sent back to their time.
"It was good to see you River." Amy smiled with tears in her eyes. "You have a brother now, his name is Anthony, he's twelve years old. We adopted him but he's smart like his sister."
River smiled back and leaned in to give her mother a hug. Bringing her mouth to Amy's ear she whispered. Pulling back River saw tears running down Amy's face.
"What? What's wrong?" Rory asked.
"I'll tell you later, Stupid Face." Amy gasped and lightly slapped her husband on the chest. Covering her mouth with her hand she stepped under the teleport.
Rory gave River a quick hug before pointing at Eleven, "You take good care of her. I still have my sword."
"How?" Eleven wondered.
"I have a good girl." Rory smiled softly at River who smiled back.
"I will." Eleven said pounding his fist on his chest in a Roman salute.
Rory nodded with a smile and stepped into the teleport.
Twelve entered the room with Bill and Nardole in tow. "You can go now." He demanded.
"But what about you?" Ten asked, "Don't you need to get back to your family in Rome?"
"Professor Song will help me." Twelve smiled smugly.
Nine nodded, turned around, and inputted the right data into the machine. With another nod he walked into the teleport and was gone.
Ten frowned slightly and patted River awkwardly on the shoulder before being teleported away.
"River," Eleven began, "Will I see you again?"
"Spoilers." River smiled.
"Yeah…" His face fell but he quickly covered it up with a big smile. Bouncing forward he placed a quick kiss on River's lips.
Laughing River pressed the button that would teleport her young/old husband away.
"So, Professor Song, where are we?" Twelve asked, stepping into her space.
Laughing softly, River looked up at her husband, "Darillium, Doctor."
"Yes, but where are we?" He asked again quietly, his hands settling on her hips and his thumbs brushing softly against her stomach.
River gasped and took a step away. Grinning, her husband kissed her on the cheek before turning and quickly typing in the data to the teleport.
River watched Bill and then the Doctor teleport away.
Only Nardole was left, turning to him River began to speak, "He's after Darillium isn't he?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"I'm glad to see you have a body again."
"Me too ma'am."
"That doesn't mean it's easy though."
"No, ma'am. Sometimes he can be a downright pain in my arse!" Nardole cried.
River laughed, "I can imagine! But, please keep looking after him. For me?"
"Yes, Professor." Nardole nodded before getting teleported back to the university.
River groaned and rolled in the bed. The teleport was not fun.
"River! There you are!" The Doctor ran into the bedroom. "You were gone. I couldn't find you anywhere!" He sat down on the end of the bed. His eyes taking in the ripped and tied pajama pants, the gun, and the bleeding foot. "Bloody hell, woman! What happened?"
"Spoilers." River laughed before crawling over and pressing her lips against his spluttering lips.
The Doctor stalked into the vault, "Missy! You can't just teleport my old companions and previous selves and lock them in rooms!"
"I'm bored." Missy moaned. "It was all in fun. No one got hurt." She pouted.
"River did." He glared.
"Barely." Missy snorted, "You should be thanking me. You got to see your crazy haired archeologist again, didn't you?"
The Doctor growled and stormed out of the vault.
"Your welcome!" Missy called out behind him before breaking into laughter.
A/N. So hopefully that wasn't too bad ;) Missy just can't help herself! What do you think about her trying to go good? Faked? Honest? Maybe a bit of both?
Enjoy the rest of your day!
~Jelly Beans