Disclaimer: I don't own QAF because if I did Justin never would have left.
This wouldn't leave me alone...
I fucked Rage that night, because of how symbolic it would be. I fucked myself. And that's what I did, I fucked myself, pushed you away. I knew Ethan would show up that he wouldn't be able to "survive" without the Sunshine; the only thing I didn't think of was that I couldn't either. I fucked myself totally and completely, pushed you away without you understanding why I did.
You needed to be loved, to be cared for. To have everything you ever wanted. You deserved better than an asshole like me. You never could see that though, you loved me. But I knew that I wasn't any good for you. That I couldn't promise you everything you wanted and needed, but he could. So I pushed you away and fucked myself.
I never imagined how bad it would be. Not to have Sunshine in the morning when I woke up. Not to be able to see your bubble butt where ever I went. I never imagined how bad I had fucked myself over.
When you packed your things, you left behind a shirt….I sleep with that shirt….holding it like I used to hold you. I don't want to wash it because then it would smell like you…like Justin….the one I love.
I love you, that's another reason I pushed you away. You deserved a better love then I had to give. You deserved better than an open relationship with a jerk that couldn't see how amazing you are. So I pushed you away and fucked myself.
I found a picture of us. I copied it, there's one under your pillow, and one in a drawer in my desk at work. I take it out, when I need my Sunshine, when I can't call you, when I miss you, when I can't find a trick who looks like you, when I need you back in my arms, but at the same time, telling myself this is for the better, that you're better off, and that's all that matters.
I can live with this if you're happy with Ethan, because if you're not, I fucked myself for no reason.