He wants things to be simple again. He wants to go back to the day when he would talk in an English accent around any girl. He wants to go back to the day when David hated girls more than he hated broccoli, which was a lot.
He just wants to go back to a time when he wasn't so scared and confused. Although he can't even remember what that feels like, anymore.
They're filming season two. It's ridiculous, but Nat thinks it's probably the hardest thing he's ever had to do.
In some ways, he's thankful that his mom is giving him and David more interaction on the show. But mostly it's just so hard. It's hard to be around him and not do something embarrassing, like, oh, I don't know, tell David that he's in love with him.
Everyone always says it's a hard thing to fall in love with your best friend; Nat thinks it's worse if you're both guys.
And to top it off, David isn't even gay, as far Nat knows. He doesn't even know if he's gay. He's just confused.
When he looks at Allie, he can see that she is pretty. And that boys probably want to have sex with her, or whatever.
But when he looks at David, he gets this fluttery feeling in his stomach, and his breath catches a little bit, and his brain just shoots out this message: Perfect.
And then the moments passes. And he realizes that he'll probably never be able to act on those feelings.
Sometimes he messes up when they're filming. It's not really a mistake, since it's supposed to be a documentary, anyway. But these things aren't planned and he'd die of embarrassment if anyone figured out what was going on.
Like when they were filming Great Trip, he had to keep reminding himself that he couldn't hold David's hand.
And when they were filming Cleveland, Nat almost forgot to say his line because he liked the way David's hands felt in his hair.
Okay, so maybe he did know he was gay.
David walked into Nat's dressing room one day approximately six seconds after Nat had pulled up his pants. Yeah, there were pretty much no rules about privacy around here, because they were all so close, but Nat thinks it would have been a little weird for David to see him, cock in hand, his best friend's name tumbling from his lips.
He notices it as soon as they start filming the County Fair. Looking back, it's always been there, but he just chose to erase it from his mind.
It starts off with little looks. Laughs. Private moments. David would smack her ass when she walked by and she would have a giggle fit. He did it once during a take, and everybody, even Polly laughed, and Qaasim gave David a smug little high five.
It was so hard to watch everyone else's lives fall into place.
He walks over to the craft service table one day towards the end of shooting Polar Bears. The sight he's greeted with almost tore him apart.
David's arms are around Allie, pinning her against the table. She does a sort of giggle-exhale as he slid chocolate over her lips and then nibbled it off with his own.
Nat can't contain himself. "Could you both just stop?" he shouts. They turn their heads toward him, but keep their bodies where they are. "As fucking adorable as you to are to most people, there are still a few of us who don't want to watch the David Loves Allie show every fucking minute of every day! And if you would just open your eyes," he doesn't look away from David, "you would realize that there is someone who loves you even more right in front of you."
All three of them stand in shocked silence. Just before a tear rolls down his cheek, Nat turns and storms out the room, making sure to punch the door.
He's sitting in the room with the couch that he and Grace filmed their wrestling scene in. He thought it would be less obvious to hide in here than in his dressing room, but Allie finds him anyways.
She sits down next to him without a word. Silence. Complete silence for minutes. Slowly, she reaches out and weaves her fingers in between Nat's. He furrows his brow.
"I didn't know you felt that way about me," Allie says in a sickeningly-sweet voice.
Nat tears his hand away from hers so quickly she barely registers it happening. "What the hell are you talking about?"
"Earlier today…you said that you loved me. Well," she scoots closer, "I love you, too." Nat doesn't even have time to think before she's leaning in to press her lips against his.
He jumps up from the couch, disgusted. He wipes at his lips furiously. "I wasn't talking about you!" he nearly screams. He shouldn't be so angry at her; she hasn't done anything wrong. Still, the jealously he feels is quickly turning into hatred.
"I was talking to David! I love David." He can see the confusion on her face. "Yeah, Allie, that's right. I'm gay!"
The word is just out of his mouth when he breaks down into sobs. Saying it out loud is so much different than skating around the idea in his head.
He turns to run towards the door, only to see David, shocked, completely still, in the doorway. Nat cries harder and pushes past him, sprinting down the hall and into his dressing room, where he locks the door and falls on the ground in a pathetic heap of despair.
After a few minutes, there's a gentle knock on the door. Nat can't even muster up the energy to say "Go away."
The knock is repeated, and after Nat still doesn't reply, whoever is on the other side of the door pushes the handle in and jiggles it. Obviously they know how to unlock the door.
Fucking Paramount Studios and their shitty construction.
David enters quietly, and sits cross-legged on the ground next to where Nat is crumpled.
Nat doesn't say anything. He doesn't know what to say. Thankfully, David breaks the silence.
"I love Allie."
The words bounce around the room, ringing in Nat's ears.
"I love…girls, you know?" A beat. "Well, I mean…I guess you don't know."
"Could you please leave?"
David awkwardly pats Nat on the back, gets up, and leaves.
When he comes out to everyone else, it's not much of a shock. Stories get passed around quickly in a group of such close friends.
When he's done, and everyone is going back to do their various jobs, David looks up at him through his eyelashes. His eyes are bright. It's a look Nat recognizes, because it's one he's given to David so many times.
He looks at David, his eyes darken, and his brows furrows ever so slightly, asking the silent question. You mean you're gay?
David nods his head, so slightly it's almost unnoticeable, and then walks away, to go find Allie.
They speak in their own little language. Looks across rooms perfectly conveying messages and emotions, simple touches unseen.
And it goes on.
And on.
And they last time Nat ever tells David that he loves him, in their secret language, with a half smile and a slow blink, is on David and Allie's wedding day.
Nat is the brave one, he realizes. David never did come out. Queer as a three dollar bill, thirty years old, with a wife and two kids.
So Nat has the courage.
But he's never had the happiness.
-fin-