What About Love?
DISCLAIMER: Yeah yeah, I don't own any Sonic characters, etc. etc...
"Why...?" I asked through the tears. "Why do you always run from me Sonic? Why do you hate me so much?"
And he stopped, mid-step at the door.
"You think I LIKE this?" I cried, the dam that held my true feelings in check finally beginning to burst. "You think its some kind of, stupid thrill-of-the-chase? You IDIOT! How can't you know? This isn't some crush, some matter of lust, some obsessive fascination!" My gaze, blurred though it was fell to the floor, my hands clenched into shaking fists. "It's love, it's ALWAYS been love! And no matter what I do, no matter what I say, you always so easily dismiss me and run... Don't you realize how much it kills me every time I watch you run from me?"
His head tilted downward, but still he made no other movement.
"I mean, sure," I continued, unable to stop myself even had I wanted to. "You're an amazing hero. The envy of every man, and the dream of every woman. But what about you, huh? Who do YOU love? No one! Tails, Rouge, Shadow... me...? We're your 'friends', all of us. Friendship is all well and good, but I have news for you. Love is the REAL deal... Hell I've told myself so many times that I love you so much, that just seeing you happy would make me happy..."
"Then why doesn't it Amy...?" He replied without turning to face me. "You are all such good friends... why can't that be enough? Why can't you just be happy the way things are?"
"Because YOU aren't!" I yelled. "I see the loneliness in your eyes, the sadness in your face, the fear of rejection in your actions!" He seemed to stiffen a little, but still kept his back turned. "You want it, just like every living being on this planet... to be accepted, and loved for all that you are. But you ARE! I still don't get it... you risk your all, every day, for the sake of the fleeting acceptance of billions of lives, when there's one that follows you into danger without a second thought, all in the futile hope that one day... just for one godforsaken second you would stop running away and look at what you already HAVE! I may be your friend, but love can grow from friendship... I love you, I love you more than anything... And you... you don't even love anyone but yourself, and why? If you even loved someone else, even half as much as I loved you..."
"Stop it Amy..."
"What? Stop telling you how I would be content... even happy if you could just stop running and be true to your own feelings?"
"Amy... I'm serious..."
"You can't even say it can you? You can't even say that you love anyone... Why... WHY DAMNNIT! You want the love of others, but you can't give it out yourself? We all love you, and yet you can't love us back? Don't you see how huge a pile of BULLSHIT that is?"
A flash of blue fills my tear-stained eyes, and I can feel his hands on my shoulders, shaking me.
"OF COURSE I DO!" His anger nearly tangible in his words. "Shit, you want to know why I run from you? THIS IS WHY! You look at me with such adoration, you speak of so much love and devotion, its so damn easy for you isn't it? Don't you think that I envy you? That I WISH I could be half as true to myself and how I feel as you are? 'Love' is such a heavy word, its too heavy, its too big... it suffocates me just to say it..."
"Oh," I growl at him, trembling. "So its all the damn friendship circle, is it? You feel that by shutting your feelings in, that by taking the 'high road' and not loving any of us, you hurt none of the others? You self-righteous prick!"
He sighed in frustration "That's not it at all... if only it was as simple as that..."
"It IS! You HAVE to feel it... that feeling of warm acceptance, you have to feel it for SOMEBODY! Rogue, Tails, Shadow, Knuckles... who, who is it? Who do you love?"
His hands roughly moved to my cheeks and pulled my gaze up to look him in the eye. "I DON'T FUCKING KNOW!"
I can only stare in dumbstruck silence as my tears fall away, to see that his own are flowing as well.
"You belittle lust, friendship and fascination, like they were such trival things... Well they are all that I KNOW! All my goddamned LIFE I hear it, from every voice that has the power to speak. 'Love is something greater, something you just know when you first feel it...' WELL I DON'T! I DO desire love and acceptance, but I don't even feel them myself! Love can come from friendship, huh? Then how do you know? How do you know the truth of love? C'mon! If its so fucking easy, then tell me! I could love anyone and they would love me back? How then... how do I do it? I feel the loneliness, I crave the feeling of a true, deep, powerful feeling like love... so why can't I feel it? What about YOU? Can YOU have any idea of what that's like for ME? To feel the emptiness of the void of love, but not the comfort of its presence? THAT is why I run... that is why I fucking fight, that is why I do EVERYTHING I DO! You guys all my friends, even the empty gratitude of the people I save... it's not enough... its not FUCKING ENOUGH! I don't want to be a hero, I don't want to be 'happy' I don't even want this illusion called "love'... I want more, something bigger, something far more important, but something so simple that you all carry it with you like its nothing significant!..
"I... I want purpose... I want meaning... If I can't feel love, I want to feel SOMETHING akin to it! What is the point of the night without knowing the day? If love and loneliness are two sides of the same coin, what does that make me?"
I had no idea of any of this... "Sonic..."
"Amy, I care for you, for Tails, for Shadow, for Rouge and all the others... why can't that be enough... Why isn't it for them... for you... for me? I can't find a purpose on its own, so I try to force my own... I would gladly die to save any of you, I would be happy if my very existence had meant that you could all be happy someday. But its... just... not enough..."
He fell to his knees and began to sob, his cries of anguish so frightening and alien to me. I wrapped my arms around him and swayed back and forth.
"Fuck the world..." He whimpered. "Fuck love... Fuck ALL of it!... but try as I might... I can't do it... I can't seal this feeling off and accept my life like Shadow! I can't be strong enough to go after what I want like Rouge! I can't be insightful enough to find my own purpose like Tails..."
"And you can't feel the joy of loving another, even if its not returned... like me..." I held him tightly, wishing, craving some way... any way to help him like he had helped us so many times before. "Oh sonic... I'm so sorry..."
"I know myself... I know my feelings... I'm not numb... I'm not empty... I'm not even feeling hopelessly depressed... Just the cold, empty void... There in that once spot in my heart where 'love' should be..."
We stood there, in each others arms, for some time... Sonic's softening cries of despair the only sounds in the otherwise silent room.
"... What do you want, Sonic?" I finally said gently, though I'm still not sure if I was asking him, or wondering aloud.
"...I don't know... Everyone always says something to that... Everyone knows what they really want... To rule the world... To make their mark... To save the planet... I just..."
"... yes?"
"I just want to be happy... Maybe not even that... just... content..."
"... Are you?"
He chuckled. "I was... maybe I am..."
I kissed his forehead before helping him to his feet. "Then who knows... maybe you were right..."
"...huh?"
"Maybe then... maybe friendship IS enough... If you can really be happy... If you can treasure your many true friends, and ignore all the social pressures of 'love'... then maybe you are happy already..."
He looked at me again, his eyes reddened from crying for so long. "...What about you?"
The words swelled up from my heart, skipping right past my mind. "Ironic and cyclical as it may be... If you can really be happy... even without knowing true love... then your happiness can make me happy as well..." And to my surprise... the words rang true...
"... I understand" He replied with a weak smile, and embraced me fully. "... Thank you Amy..." And in another blue flash... he was gone.
Love is a funny thing...
It brings joy and despair...
It drives us to create, but can make us destroy...
It makes the coldest nights warm, and the happiest times miserable...
But at the end of the day... nine times out of ten, no matter who you ask... love is a good thing...
I loved him... I still do, and I suspect that I always will... from the very bottom of my heart. But somehow this feeling, the fact that I loved one who could never love me back, it felt less like a burden, and more like a pillar of strength...
For if Sonic could always be there for me physically, then the least I could do is always support him emotionally...
And somehow... though it defies all logic, thought and previous emotions...
That was actually enough...