Life as a talking boat could get rather lonesome. Sure, it had its perks. Not being a zombie was one of the biggest ones. But still, the crushing loneliness could be painful for a man-boat wandering the seven seas. He could only polish his own deck so many times before he felt unsatisfied.
So, imagine John Slater's surprise when he saw him. Virgil. A strong, proud boat with a thick Cajun accent. He fished crabs, John could tell as plain as day by the itchy way he sailed. And the smell of him! So salty.
Virgil had come up to John as suave as can be.
"Oi, oi oi!" Virgil honked. "Croissant, croissant! Du wee baguette!"
Oh my god, Virgil had squealed to himself. He's Italian!
"Oh, uh, hey," John blushed, trying to play things cool.
"I saw you on my sonar and thought I'd say bonjour," Virgil tooted. "Merdi!"
John hoped his topsails weren't showing.
"Don't be so nervous," beeped Virgil. "Even at a distance you made my motor run."
John blushed even more. "Well, it does get lonely at sea."
"Tell me about it," Virgil said. "My ballasts are so swollen. Fromage!"
"My windjammers are all jammed up," John said in a sultry voice.
"Maybe I could unjam them," Virgil farted. "Je suis!"
John couldn't believe it. He wasn't promiscuous, he had only sunk with a submarine. His periscope had fogged up but it was still the voyage of his life.
Before John knew it Virgil had crashed into his poopdeck.
"You need to shave your crowsnest," Virgil bleeped. "Jambon!"
"I'll help you navigate," winked John.
Virgil started to give John headsail but John stopped him.
"Not so fast!" John hissed. "I don't want launch yet."
John motorboated Virgil's buoys as Virgil lowered his anchor into his porthole. He could feel his bulkhead getting bulkier and Virgil's cockpit was leaking on deck.
"I'm glad you didn't go in drydock," John said.
"Dreadnought, mon amore, I would never do such a thing!" Virgil burped. "Oui!"
As Virgil unloaded his cargo into John's he was glad he had worn a rudder. It was so intense he thought he would capsize.
A few weeks later, John began to get morning seasickness.
He radioed Virgil. There was no answer. John thought had thought he was his lifeline, but he was just another fish in the sea.