All Miserable Things Must Come to an End
A Two and a Half Men fanfic by Patworx
It seemed like a typical day in the Harper household. Alan was watching the news on TV when he heard footsteps walking down the stairs. He looked up to see Charlie reaching the end of the stairs dragging a suitcase behind him.
"So, are leaving for your romantic getaway with Rose?"
Charlie shook his head.
"No, Alan. I'm heading off to rehab for my drinking problem."
Alan was startled at this revelation.
"Charlie, I know you're a heavy drinker but I don't think you have a drinking problem."
"Well Rose does, and she'll only leave her husband if I go to rehab and get help. And afterwards the two of us are going to move to Las Vegas and have a quickie wedding with a stoned Elvis impersonator as our priest."
Alan became even more startled.
"So you mean, you're leaving? For good?"
"What can I tell you, Alan? All miserable things must come to an end. By the way, I'm leaving the house with Berta."
As he said this, Berta walked into the house through the front door.
"That's right, Zippy! So pack your bags 'cause you and the kid are moving out."
Alan was outraged. He walked up to Charlie and looked him straight in the eye.
"Charlie, why would you leave Berta the house? I'm your brother! It's only fair that the house would go to me!"
"It's only fair that you would have moved out years ago and stopped sponging off me like a bloodsucking parasite, but sadly life isn't fair and you, my cheapskate friend, have just learned that the hard way."
"Did you even consider what would happen to me and Jake if you sold this place to Berta?"
Charlie pondered Alan's question for a brief moment.
"Not really."
Alan was in a fix. His brother was in rehab, the housemaid threw him and his son out, and the only alternative he had was one that he felt might have been even worse than sleeping on the streets. And there they stood, outside the door of that alternative. He wasn't sure if he should knock or just throw a couple of sleeping bags on the sidewalk. In the end, he swallowed his pride, knocked a couple of times, and called the name of the beast within . . .
"MOM!" he yelled nervously.
The camera in front of the house focused in on the dorky chiropractor and his fat teenaged son.
"What do you want now?" asked an irritated Evelyn from the camera.
"Could you let us in so we can talk? It's kind of important."
"Fine. Just give me a minute . . ."
For about 20 seconds, all Alan and Jake could hear was the rustling of clothes.
"Come in."
They entered the house to the sight of Evelyn's fancy living room. Evelyn was sitting on the couch in a robe.
"What seems to be the problem, Alan?" Evelyn asked nonchalantly.
"You see, Charlie went to rehab for his drinking problem-"
"Well, it's about time!"
"-and when he gets out, he's moving to Las Vegas with Rose, so he left Berta the house."
"She kicked you two out, didn't she?" Evelyn asked with a rather dull expression.
"Uh . . . kind of."
"And now you want me to let you and Jake move here, right?"
"You sure know how to read minds, Mom! So we can stay?"
"Are you kidding?" Evelyn laughed, "Of course not!"
Alan was aghast.
"Are you serious? You're really gonna let your son and grandson starve on the street?"
"If you stay here, you'll just mooch off me like you did your brother. Besides, this house is busy enough without you."
"But you're the only person who lives here. How can this house possibly be that busy?"
Just then, Alec Baldwin walked out of Evelyn's bedroom clad only in his underpants.
"Evelyn, what's taking so long?" asked Alec impatiently, "My brothers and I are getting horny."
"I'll be right there Alec! You boys just keep masturbating until I get back!"
Alec Baldwin walked back into the bedroom. Evelyn continued talking to Alan.
"Look, I don't have time for this! I'm very busy right now, so get out!"
Evelyn hurried back into the bedroom to have sex with the Baldwin Brothers. Alan just shrugged at Jake and walked out the front door, with Jake following him.
For the next fifteen minutes, Alan and Jake sat on the sidewalk, wondering what to do.
"Well, look on the bright side, son," Alan finally said, "living in the forest won't be so bad."
Jake turned his head toward his cheapskate father and looked at him as if he were craziest person on the planet.
"You can't be serious, dad. You've saved up a bunch of money while sponging off Uncle Charlie, right? Surely you can afford to get us a couple of rooms in some crappy motel for a few nights?"
"No can do, son. It's unwise to spend money for frivolous reasons."
"So, you think that it's frivolous to spend money living in a cheap motel as opposed to LIVING IN A FOREST? HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY BE THIS CHEAP?"
"I'm not cheap, son. I'm fiscally responsible."
"SCREW YOU, DAD!" Jake yelled as he stood up. "I'M GOING TO LIVE WITH MOM AND HERB! YOU SUCK!"
As Alan watched Jake run away, a disturbing realization crept over him: he was alone. Everyone he had counted on had abandoned him. His brother, his mother, and even own son had deserted him. And now that he was all by himself with no house and no family, he had nothing left to live for. He slowly stood up, pulled a handgun out of his back pocket, and held it to his head.
"Thanks world," said Alan in a flat, depressing voice. "Thanks for nothing."
He pulled the trigger . . .
For a split second, Alan was in immense pain. As the bullet penetrated his skull, he felt as if his very consciousness was being assaulted. He felt entire memories of who he was disappearing without a trace. He couldn't remember different tastes, smells, and sounds that were previously familiar to him. Various words that were commonplace, words that he both said and heard all the time, were now just vague, blank spaces within sentences, and the conversations he remembered that contained those words seemed muddled and confusing because of it. It was by far the worst sensation he had ever felt.
After that split second was over, all of those thoughts and memories that were previously lost to him reappeared as if they were always there. He was no longer standing on the sidewalk of a typical American suburb: he was standing on a cloud, while staring at a beautiful golden gate. His thoughts of despair quickly turned to joy as he realized where he was: the entrance to the kingdom of Heaven.