Too Real Dream (Izuru)
I knew perfectly well, where I was but there was definitely something wrong here though I wasn't able to place what it was. I was still lying on my back under the all too familiar willow tree, I could feel the soft and cool grass tickling my fingers, I heard the whisper of the nearby stream, the gentle breeze was playing with my hair. I was staring at the sky above me, the uninterrupted perfect blue stretching as far as I could see. I took a deep breath, filling my lungs with the clear and fresh air, tasting the sweetness of it as it carried the smell of the wild flowers towards me. I closed my eyes, trying to breathe evenly as my memory filled with the images that I should have long forgotten. Images of the days when I used to come here, not alone, but with HIM.
I shook my head as I tried to clear my mind again. It didn't do me any good to keep holding onto those memories. I wasn't even supposed to be here. But nobody came here, I was sure of that, because in all the years I have been coming here, either alone or ... or not, I have never seen anybody anywhere nearby. It was as if this place was existing only in its own dimension, hidden from all prying eyes and wandering feet. How was THAT possible? I had no idea but I remembered the words he said when I've first stepped into this clearing and he registered me...
"Kira-san..." He didn't grin in that awfully creepy way as usual. "It seems like you caught me slacking off." Now he grinned.
"Taichou, I... I didn't k-know, I didn't w-want to disturb..."
He laughed at me then and allowed me to stay. That was the first time I have seen my taichou letting down his guard, even if for only a second. It seemed like there was something on his mind. After that, he sometimes invited me to join him. He said that this was his personal magical place. I could see why now. It WAS magical. It looked like an ordinary clearing at first sight, but once you actually was there and closed your eyes, it took you into a whole new and different place where nothing was hasty and stressful, no work, no mountains of papers.
At first, I tried to be angry at him for slacking off, I KNEW he was slacking off all the time, leaving the stacks of the papers for me to fill and go through. Nevertheless, he always managed to come up with a believable enough lie, something that would delay him or keep him from coming to work entirely. Knowing that he was coming here instead, to sit under the willow and listen to the stillness, wasn't really the thing I wanted to know. I wanted to believe that he was busy, that he did care for his division, for the people that depended on him. But he didn't...
I gritted my teeth at the memory. I knew it wouldn't do any good remembering that. I am such an idiot, I always was, for trusting and following someone like HIM, Ichimaru Gin, the number two most wanted person in the Soul Society. Hmmm, second or third? I wasn't sure whether he made it before Tousen-taichou. Probably yes, I didn't want to know though. Another sigh escaped my lips. What was wrong with me today? I was usually able to pretty much keep all these memories at bay, putting leash on my thoughts, too, preventing them from wandering in that direction. I took another deep breath and another flood of memories came to me. My captain was sitting under this very tree in very unusual posture, his knees were drawn up and his chin was rested on them. It WAS unusual posture, for him at least, I was known to be sitting like this for hours, pondering over something. However, there was something bothering him this time and it was the only time when I saw him so ... well, distressed. There wasn't any other word for it. Although he changed his mood and expression the moment he realized I was near, I saw his face clearly enough to know it. But what was it? Was it when he decided to leave Soul Society? It was two weeks before the betrayal...
A single tear made its way through my shut eyes. Perfect. I did it again, I made myself remember and now I was going to cry over it like kid. I tried to calm myself, but I couldn't and the one tear was soon followed by another, and then another. I cried myself to sleep, welcoming the darkness. It wouldn't last long, the nightmares would start right away and I wasn't sure how much more of it I could take. No wonder everybody was eying me suspiciously, as if I was going to flip any second. Maybe I was, but what would I know? I was just glad I made it through each day, trying not to think of the past or the future, just focusing on what had to be done now, one step at the time.
...
The dream started like always. I knew it was a dream, because I had the same one almost every night. I was vaguely aware that it wasn't night and I wasn't home yet, but I didn't really care now. I could still smell the warm and sweet scent in the air and it made me sleepy even in my dream. Weird. I was sitting under the tree again, my eyes trying to see what was in my hand. It was a piece of paper, thick and yellowish, the kind you don't see anymore in the human world unless you dig real deep in some forgotten antique shop. There were words scribbled on the paper. A note. I recognized the handwriting at once. I knew the hand that wrote the note. "Come to the clearing. Urgent." Hmmm, I was wandering what was so urgent. Taichou never seemed like the kind of person that would take anything as "urgent". I was mildly surprised that he had such word in his vocabulary actually.
I frowned. It wasn't like him. Maybe he was playing a joke on me. THAT would be like him. I prepared myself mentally for one of his silly jokes or games, which he seemed to spin out of thin air. Still, why were we meeting here of all places? He usually played his little jokes on me in the office. I lift my head as I felt his reiatsu approaching. He stopped. I could feel he was close but I couldn't see him yet. I called his name, but my voice didn't come out. Oh, right, I was inside the dream. Subconsciously, I knew I was getting to the part where I would start shouting and screaming pretty soon, but I couldn't pull myself out of the dream. Damn it, it sucked. I stood up and called him soundlessly again. What was the point, I reasoned with myself, already knowing the outcome, waiting for it with resigned certainty.
Then I felt his reiatsu shift a little uneasily. Was that really possible? He reached out tentatively towards me, letting me know of his presence, still not moving. I was confused. He was asking for permission to join me? I frowned again and tried to sort it out. This wasn't how the dream usually went. He should have appeared in front of me, his usual grin plastered to his face. He would speak to me in a low melodic voice I knew only so well, trying to tell me something about a new life he discovered. Then he would smile wider and I would see somewhat strange teeth, like a vampire's from some cheap scary movie, and then he would open his haori and reveal his torso. Or what was left of it anyway. There would be a large hole, from his collarbones to his hips. Only thin rim on the sides. And he would start to come closer. That was the part where I started to scream and would wake up, sweating and looking frantically around in the dark room.
Yes, I knew that dream only too well. A nightmare, more likely. However, this one WAS different. For one, it was somehow dimmer then usually, even for a dream, it was all clouding up. I tried to see through the mist that was suddenly obstructing my vision. There was only one explanation; I was already waking up. Hmm, that was a strange dream, I thought. I could still feel it, almost as if it was real. The feeling of my former captain's reiatsu reaching out for mine almost gently. I shook my head and sit up, trying to focus again. Then I jumped to my feet as I realized it. It wasn't the dream or the aftereffects of the dream I just had. My eyes widened, making out the person that stood across the clearing, dressed in the same clothes as I remembered, only more ragged, I registered. Funny how I would see such a detail in that situation. Maybe it was my mind trying to keep me sane for that moment.
I looked up at him again. Yes, there was no mistake, I was wide awake and HE was standing there as if he never left, his eyes locked on me in a strange way. He really was reaching out for me, asking me to keep quiet. What? Did I really think that? He wasn't grinning, he wasn't even smiling. He had a distant look in his eyes, something I couldn't quite understand. Something looked off about the whole scene. And then it hit me, the realization what it was, and my eyes filled with horror...