So this is another fic partly inspired by a song, this time it's 'When She Was Mine' by Lawson. I am so in love with this song right now, and since I also love a bit of McShep, I thought it would be great to combine the two. I have included some of the lyrics in the fic, but obviously changing 'she' to 'he' and 'her' to 'him'. Hope you enjoy this one-shot!
SPOILER ALERTS: Major spoilers to 'The Shrine' (Season 5, Episode 6)
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Stargate Atlantis – if I did, it would still be running today.*Rants about how stupid it was that it got cancelled after only 100 episodes* I don't own the song lyrics featured either
…o0o…
He watched them from the opposite side of the mess hall, talking and laughing as they had dinner together. Normally they all ate together, the whole team, but one evening each week was set aside as 'date night', when Rodney and Jennifer would eat alone and do others couples stuff afterwards. John felt a stab of jealousy at their happiness.
"Hey, you okay?" Ronon grunted as he shovelled another forkful of food into his mouth. John snapped out of his reverie,
"Yeah, 'm fine."
Everywhere I go,
Everything I do,
Reminds me of you…
Teyla glanced over in the direction he had just been staring. She smiled at the two of them together, "They seem very happy. I do not think I have ever seen Rodney smile so much before."
…I'm surrounded by it all,
Gotta walk before I fall…
Unable to take anymore, John quickly stood up, his chair scraping loudly against the floor. "I, um, I gotta go," he blurted before darting out of the room.
Teyla looked at Ronon in bewilderment, but the Satedan simply shrugged in response before continuing to devour everything on his tray.
…o0o…
Sheppard lay on his bed in his quarters, thoughts whirling loudly around his mind – missions they'd been on, the banter they shared, the frequent brushes with death. He thought of how much their relationship had changed since they first met, how close the two of them had become over time, to the point that the brilliant scientist had pretty much become his best friend. John couldn't exactly remember when his feelings for McKay had become more than that, more than the love of a best friend or brother, until finally he had to admit that he, Lt. Col. John Sheppard, was in love with Dr (Meredith) Rodney McKay.
…So far from where I used to be,
When he was mine…
And there had been a time when Rodney had loved him in return. Sure they had kept it quiet, mostly because of the US Military's whole 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy, but also because they both felt that their relationship was nobody's business but theirs. And he had been happy, so incredibly, blissfully happy, more than he'd ever been with any woman, including his ex-wife, Nancy. Sometimes even now he dreamt of their time together, imagining Rodney was there beside him, but waking in the cold light of day to find himself alone in the bed, feeling the disappointment of knowing Rodney was no longer his, and never would be ever again.
...Everything was easy,
Everything was certain,
Never felt so good when he was mine.
I wanted to remember,
Never missed a second,
Now I wish I could forget,
When he was mine…
He rolled off his bed and grabbed the six-pack of beer from the fridge. As he downed the first can, he could practically hear McKay's voice chiding him,
"Oh yeah, good one, fly-boy, just drown your sorrows and that'll fix everything. And if the Wraith were to attack us, we'll just apologise and say that unfortunately Lt. Col. Sheppard in incapacitated right now, and would they mind coming back later?"
John knew that 'Rodney' was right, but he just couldn't seem to care. All he felt was the pain of his aching heart, and as he continued to drink, his mind took him back to the moment his world had come crashing down around him.
It happened a few months ago, when Rodney had the 'Second Childhood' disease. He knew he was starting to forget, and that he didn't have much time. They were alone together on one of the balconies near the outer edge of the city, where they were sure no one would disturb them. John was gazing out at the ocean, his arm slung around Rodney's shoulders. He noticed that the scientist seemed more on edge than usual, but put this down to his recent diagnosis.
"You know you're gonna be fine, right, McKay? Keller is a great doctor, she's gonna find a cure, don't you worry."
"It's not that," Rodney spoke so quietly Sheppard almost didn't hear him.
"Huh? C'mon Rodney, you know you can tell me anything."
Rodney shrugged Sheppard's arm off and turned away from him, balling his hands into fists. Then his shoulders slumped and he slowly turned back around to face him.
"We need to break up."
John was shocked – he had definitely not seen this one coming.
"Wait, what? But…why?" he stammered.
"Because we both know what's gonna happen to me. I've already started to forget things; eventually I won't even remember my own name or know who I am. And then I'm gonna die, because my body will forget how to function properly, forget how to keep itself alive."
"I know all that, Rodney, and I want to be there for you! I'm not gonna abandon you! And anyway, it's not gonna come to that, cos Keller is gonna fix ya up. You'll –"
"And what if she can't, huh? What if I get to the point where I let stuff slip? It would end your career!"
Realisation dawned in Sheppard's mind – he had it all wrong. "You're trying to protect me."
Rodney sighed in relief at John's understanding, "Yes."
"And what if I don't want you to protect me?" He was fighting to keep his voice calm, when all he really wanted to do was scream and shout.
"Please, John, just let me do this one thing for you. You've protected me so many times in the past; now let me do the same for you for once in my life."
"But, Rodney, you're always saving –"
"Just let me do this!" Rodney interrupted loudly, before continuing quietly, "It's the only thing I can do for you now."
And with that he turned away and swiftly headed back to the transporter, leaving John standing alone on the balcony.
This all took place just a couple of nights before that talk out on the pier, when Rodney had asked him to read his eulogy, and had tried to get him to say goodbye. Then everything became a blur – Rodney's condition worsened, and they had all begun to believe they were going to lose him. Then, of course, they had taken him to the Shrine of Talus, and Dr Keller had been able to operate on him and save his life.
Sheppard had hoped that now Rodney was back to normal, they could get back together. But Rodney showed no sign that he even remembered what had existed between the two of them. John saw the video log in which he declared his love for Jennifer, and soon after the two began dating. He had lost the only person he ever truly loved. He knew he should be glad Rodney was happy, and he was, but without him he felt incomplete, like there was a gaping hole inside him that nothing could ever fill.
…What I miss the most
Is taking up all night,
We laughed until we cried.
Now I'm breaking at the seams,
Dropping to my knees,
Nothing left of me, no.
Like stone turned into dust,
My heart wasn't enough,
So far from where I used to be,
When he was mine.
Everything was easy,
Everything was certain,
Never felt so good when he was mine.
I wanted to remember,
Never missed a second,
Now I wish I could forget,
When he was mine…
By now, John knew he was extremely drunk. He blinked slowly – and found himself outside the door to Rodney's quarters. How did I get here? He wondered.
…Down on my knees,
Gotta see him,
Gotta see him…
He blinked again – and found himself opening the door and going into the scientist's room.
…I tried to forget,
But I need him,
But I need him…
He was alone, sitting up on his bed. He did not seem surprised to see John; it was almost as though he had been expecting him.
No words passed between them – none were necessary. They knew each other so well now, they each understood what the other was thinking. Rodney smiled up at John, and he returned the smile as he approached the bed.
And each of the men felt complete once more, and Atlantis herself seemed to tingle with joy as she dimmed the lights in Rodney's room. All was once again right with the world.
…o0o…
Thanks for reading.
If you could please leave a review, I would very much appreciate it :)