Frozen
When I'm scared I stand still. Nothing else to it. I just sort of stop in my tracks and freeze. It isn't something that I'm terribly proud of. Things tend to swirl around me at those moments, dizzying in their frenzied attempts to wreck me. I'm fine, I reassure myself mutely but it doesn't hold up this time because I still haven't moved. I still haven't taken a breath. When I'm scared I literally become petrified and there isn't a thing in the world that could fix me. I haven't ever been able to fix myself. That's exactly the way I feel right now. Scared frozen. Then again, things churn violently in my belly…Then again perhaps I haven't ever been broken this bad. Perhaps I'll remain frozen forever, since I've never had as much to lose.
From afar, I watch his face grow serious as his gaze intensifies on the woman leaning into him. And I try to reassure myself that this isn't the look I know. Not the look I thought was meant only for me. He's going to kiss her, the words tremble along my skin until they manage to sink into me. Poisoning my memories of him. I just sort of stand there, a ridiculous statue too frozen to even get angry. He wouldn't do that. He wouldn't, I shake my head for good measure, but my feet remain where there are as my frame trembles a bit. I shut down, and there's nothing I can do. I want to whisper to him that he's scaring me, that he should reassure me and say it isn't what I think. I want to murmur to him that I love him and ask if that still means anything. I don't expect him to turn around, and when he does I suddenly get full control back in my limbs. I dash out of the door, taking the moment for what it is and running as fast as I can from all this heartache.
He says my name, no no…screams it, it comes out frayed and shaky and I am frozen again. Damn, I grit my teeth until my jaw throbs. I shake my head, red strands of hair slapping my flustered cheeks as if to scold me for stopping. For being a coward and stopping just because he said my name like that. Like the sound had cut him up on the inside.
I turn, and my heart gets a jolt when I see his eyes flash with moisture. My bottom lip quivers, and I don't want to play this game. Regret doesn't suit me, and I decide to burn my bridges while I'm still on them.
"It's fine…it's fine Mike. I mean I always knew this was going to happen." His mouth sort of falls open, and my heart shudders inside my ribcage. "I mean God…don't worry. I came into this knowing your head was somewhere else," I can't hardly make myself say it, but then I remember that I'm braver than anyone. I'm frozen and I don't feel the burn of this. I just don't…and my skin tingles with the lies I'm feeding myself. "Your heart's not here Mike." I gesture to the building's entrance, "it's still in there." I watch him cringe, and terror sweeps me once more. I don't want to be brave any longer for I'm certain it won't stick this time around.
"It's not what you think," he tunnels his hand through his short black locks, frustration lacing the motion and making me visibly wince. "Yeah," I sigh, unaware of how much bitterness I am able to inject into that one word. Now it's his turn to wince, and I'm not proud of causing it.
"I did love her, once…and I thought I was over it," his voice takes on this soft tone and I turn away from him. I feel like weeping, but it suddenly seems like I can't. I feel dried up. Mike reaches for my hand, and pulls me to him. There's no fight left in me, and I let him.
"And Jenn," he bores his dark eyes into mine, and it chills me more than the evening air could ever. "Today I proved I was over it to myself. Any other moment in my life, and I would have kissed her. I could not have refused her. The place I was in 6 months ago, it was messed up and you would have been right. My heart would have been with her."
"I don't want your pity," I breath meekly, not caring that my comment feels as out of place as I do, and stubbornly fix my gaze on his shirt lapel since it won't stare back at me.
Bravery seems to have abandoned me, and I feel spineless and nauseous because of it and the sweet nearness of him. Yet it's the nearness of defeat that clings to this moment that completely spoils the magic. I shake my head, after which his fingertips gently tilt my head back up. He kisses me then, quietly and leisurely, as if he possesses time itself. It does the job, shuts me up. Shuts me down. It makes me quiver since I don't think there was any pity clinging to his lips just then. Not just then. Some odd inch of me is envious at his force of action, his confidence to just move so deliberately. I want to be deliberate in my moves as well, and push my fingertips along his jaw and my lips lean back into his. I lean all of me into him. I want to forget my silly thoughts, I want to forget what it feels like to be frozen. Oh, I moan lightly into his mouth…I want him.
He's the first one to pull back, and I just stand there…slightly tilted with my eyes still close, trying to ignore how these past moments have turned my entire world a little out of kilter.
"I mean to say," he chuckles softly to himself, but I keep my eyelids shut and imagine the joke isn't on me for once. His hand glides along my cheek, and I obey and gaze back at this heartbreaking man while fiercely hoping he's good at mending them as well. "It's not 6 months ago, everything has changed when you tore into my life." Mike does that grinning thing he's so fond of, and I quirk my mouth a little to be accommodating. My stomach shudders at the movement. It's like he senses it, and his lips graze mine again…mending mending mending…and I smile for real this time. "You fixed me up baby, you made me love again and I can't lose you because my past decided to come back to haunt me. I won't! I don't want her, I want you. I want you always." His jaw sort of clenches around those words, displaying his adamance to be understood.
I nod, but my chin quivers on its own accord and I watch worry lines dance along his pretty face. "No," I declare before he can translate his thoughts. "I just hate that the idea of losing turns me into this." I laugh sardonically, and take a little step away from Mike. I don't want to taint him. To spoil his beautiful words with years of insecurity and mistrust. "You aren't losing me Jenn." "I know, I'm just scared Mike, all the time…I'm scared of embodying everything that has torn my family apart. I'm afraid that one day I will just be this loveless person who will do anything and everything to get her hands on that wonderful feeling she had for a few precious moments once upon a time so long ago." His hands skim my bare arms, leaving goosebumps in their trail and I feel so damn cold.
"You're not your mother!" I don't think I've ever heard him sound so ferocious, and it makes me want to cry when I think that it is all for me. "Get that out of your head sweetheart. You're the most astonishing woman I know. Trust me when I say, there isn't an ounce of her in you. I know what you saw, I know what it looked like. And I'm so sorry baby, I don't even want to think about what that made you feel like." Mike curls his arms around me, and his heat begins to slowly radiate into me.
He trails two or three kisses down my cheek, and I tilt up to look at him. Slower this time, taking my time to really see this man and all he's promised to offer me. He wants me always, I hum the words in my head until I'm not chilled anymore. "It's ok," I mouth mutely, and perk up the corners of my lips to smile carefully. "I love you Jennifer Munson."
I kiss him then, wanting to catch the taste of the words on his lips. My insides tilt back into their rightful, and my world is no longer askew. "And I love you Mike Kasnoff," I whisper against his sweet mouth. I love how it makes him laugh, adding a giddiness to this moment before he kisses me so very hungrily. The taste of us, of this warm balmy moment is more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. I allow my fingers to delve into his hair, and kiss the corner of his mouth a little more before pulling back to look at him.
"I won't be scared anymore." I want to promise that I won't doubt this again, but it seems like overkill. "And I won't give you any reason to ever be again," his dimples wink at me lovingly. And I smile because even if I were to be petrified again I know that's ok. I know I wouldn't ever be without him, since he would never want to be without me.
Mike takes my hand, and reinforces all I've ever hoped for. With a kiss, and smile…we just stand there. Frozen. Clinging to each other, and loving every second of it because it's how it should be. Always, always…and all is mended.