"Bitch, you are fierce late" Emmett punched me playfully in the gut leaving me doubled over in pain and gasping for breath. Somewhere behind me he was securely locking the door. Like anyone would bother breaking into this dump, It wasn't as if they'd even come close enough to see our nefarious activities anyway.
"I'm not late Emmett, you're merely early again" I countered, dodging yet another blow to the stomach.
"Whatever. Alice brought a friend" He winked and nudged me conspiratorially as we jostled down the hall.
"Ugh, not another one"
"Bro, you will luuurve her, I promise. Bitch is off the chizz-ain" I rolled my eyes dramatically as I headed into the lounge.
"Emmett, please stop talking like an un-eduated thug" Rosalie huffed from behind a cloud of sweet smoke.
"Don't be dissin my man. If I could touch you, I would kick your ass" She handed the joint to Emmett, her eyes shooting daggers at me. She wasn't kidding about the touching me thing either. Rose had serious issues with men after her last boyfriend had slipped her a roofie and then taken advantage of her with his six closest friends. For some reason while she couldn't stand the touch of any male but her brother, Emmett was okay. Probably since he could never get it up to take advantage of her.
Her brother Jasper, was at the current moment being attacked by Alice, his girlfriend and the perpetual source of my irritation. I knew she was probably flying high by now and there was no point arguing with the girl, but hell if I wasn't going to try. I gave her a good sharp flick on the shoulder.
"Oh my gaaaawd, Eddie, you're here!" She promptly flung herself on me, planting a wet smooch on my mouth.
"Aren't I always?" She dug in her purse for a small bottle of pills which she handed to me without comment. I quickly downed one without bothering to check what it was. Alice might be annoying, but she always had the good shit.
"Oooh Eddie, you have to meet Bella!" She spun me around to face the girl huddled in the corner and looking severely out of place.
"Hey" I shrugged, noting that unlike some of our previous 'guests' this one was actually pretty, in a subdued kind of way. She smiled, though clearly she was disinterested. At her side was the biggest, ugliest dog I had ever seen.
"That's Jay" Alice said in a tone of voice I found highly disturbing.
"His name is Jacob, Alice, not Jay. I know there isn't much point telling you since you won't remember anyway but you could try to get it right, just once" Bella hissed, petting the dog with one hand.
"Whatever. Do you want one?" She waved the pill bottle at Bella, who recoiled as if revolted by the prospect.
"Like I want that cut-price shit. I picked up mine from the evidence locker" She pulled out a mirror and credit card and began to cut a line of coke, humming as she did so. I strained to hear the tune and though it sounded familiar I couldn't place it.
I watched transfixed as she snorted the line, the dog panting happily at her ear. Suddenly I realised she had been humming the song from the Coca-Cola ads. Pretty and smart, maybe Alice hadn't done so badly after all.
"What the fuck are you gawking at?" She looked at me with annoyance.
"Nothing'" I dropped into the bean bag next to her, and grabbed a beer from the table. It was warm but drinkable. I figured pretty soon I'd be too out of it to care anyway. Jasper was strumming on his guitar, Alice drooling all over his neck. He liked to pull that my body is a temple shit, but we all knew he occasionally dabbled in intense ritalin abuse.
"Alice, Ala- Ala- Aliiiiiiice" Apparently his song writing abilities were currently limited to his girlfriends name. The warm buzz filling my body was a pleasant reprieve.
It occurred to me Bella was staring at me, eyes big as saucers, her mouth half open. Her shirt was slipping off one shoulder, exposing the thin black strap of her bra.
"You have the most beautiful eyes. Like a labrador, or a golden retriever" She grinned lopsidedly.
"And you are wasted" The comment sent her into fits of laughter before she suddenly and seriously locked her gaze on me again.
"No but seriously" The dog, huge and ugly and shaggy was nudging her ear. She turned and groaned happily as it attacked her face with its lolling pink tongue.
"Uh, Bella?" Her attention snapped back to me.
"Yes Eddiekins?" What the fuck? Eddiekins?
"What's with the dog comparison? Not that I'm not flattered and all, but a golden retriever? really?" She leant forward until our faces almost touched. Her hair smelt like strawberries and her face like dog spit.
"I love dogs. I love them" Her saucer-eyes were completely earnest. "Especially my Jakey!" She turned to the dog again, ruffling its fur. "We're involved" It hit like a ton of bricks and I suddenly felt sobered.
"Wait, you and the dog are..." It hung in the air between us, unspoken. She grinned.
"Wanna see?" My stomach flipped, warm beer rising in my throat as I fought my upchuck reflex.
"No, no, it's okay. You don't have to do that. really" I mumbled, wondering just how to get the fuck out before I was forced to watch this seriously fucked up girl do god knows what with her dog. No-one else seemed to have noticed our conversation, or if they had, they didn't care. I hoped it wasn't the latter, that would seriously throw my choice of friends into question.
I noticed too late that Bella had taken her shirt off now, and more disturbingly the dogs ears had pricked in interest. I stood rapidly, kicking my beer over in the process, not that it mattered. The carpet was filthy anyway and no-one cared about one spilt beer, they were all far too wasted to notice.
"I gotta go" I turned and banged down the hallway, since when was walking so damn hard? The lock was slippery under my fingers and I could hear Bella giggling like an idiot behind me, though thankfully she hadn't followed me down the hall to drag me back to her little show of horrors.
Finally the door came open and I fell out into the cool night air. My car sat in the drive, the most attractive prospect of this entire night. I was going home, right now, and joining Narcotics Anonymous the moment I woke in the morning.
Drugs are bad kids, take it from your Uncle Eddie.