Sinking By Ardin
Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS and I don't own the song either which is by Jars of Clay. It's called "Sinking"
Spoilers: None
A/N: This is my first attempt at writing a first person piece. Let me know what you think.
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It's not my problem anymore
You see it never really was
So you can stop caring as you call it
And I'll be fine right here
I try to tell her that the cases don't matter once we solve them: that they're just another set of files, another problem solved. She never has believed me. She has always known exactly how much the things we see affect me, and she's always been there - quiet, sensitive Kate - not pushing too hard or asking too much, just there.
You see that I can play
A pretty convincing role
So I don't need you
I don't think I need you
But you see through my forever lies
And you are not believing
And I see in your forever eyes
And you are forever healing
She'd walked into all of our lives - into my life - and turned things upside down. I fought it whole-heartedly, unwilling to give up the control that I have struggled for so long to keep. Control that doesn't really exist, which didn't really matter as long as by yelling loud enough and glaring long enough I could convince the others that it does. But she saw right through every inch of that façade. She's well aware that I don't have conrtol over anything. She seems to find it amusing that I try anyways.
You can't hear what I'm not saying
And I can hold out long enough
Treading water I keep from sinking
I'm not one for reaching
But you see through my forever lies
And you are not believing
And I see in your forever eyes
And you are forever healing
And even now that I've lost control of my feelings for her, hiding is just so much easier than having to deal with the possibility of having actually fallen for her despite my best intentions not to. She sees that too, though, in that almost creepy way that she has always been able to tell what was going on in my head. But she doesn't push it; she seems perfectly content to let me sort it out on my own, just waiting.
You see that I can play
A pretty convincing role
So I don't need you
I don't think I need you
But you see through my forever lies
And you are not believing
And I see in your forever eyes
And you are forever healing
She shouldn't have to keep waiting. I may be stubborn, but I try hard not to lie to myself and I'm well aware of just how much I care about her. Normally that would scare the crap out of me, it did with every other relationship I've had since I was 16. But it doesn't with her because she already knows. She can see it in the way I look at her and smile; the way she makes my day just a little bit better just by coming to work each day.
She shouldn't have to keep waiting and I'm sure she won't forever. So…
"Kate, would you like to have dinner with me?"
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A/N: So that's it. Not really sure there's anything to add here. I might write a sequel, but there's some other writing I need to do first so it will probably be a while. Unless (as always) my muse takes the proverbial two-by-four to my head and I suddenly come up with a good idea.