She could hear the rhythmic music and the cheers coming from the street as she lay, fully dressed, on her bed. The last rays of the sun were playing softly trough the curtains. Roger had been gone for four days and the carnival was now in full-swing; yet she couldn't find the courage to leave.

She got up each morning with the firm intention of going to Springfield to find some answers, but she somehow found herself back in her hotel room every night.

"What's wrong with me?" she asked out loud with a sigh. Deep down, she already knew.

She was afraid to remember.

All her flashbacks had been leading her to the same conclusion, that in the last few years she had indeed fallen in love with Roger again, and he with her. Could it be true what he said, that they had never really stopped loving each other after all?

She certainly had not been prepared for the intensity of her passion the night he had made love to her. She was still terrified by it, like someone would be afraid of being ripped apart by a hurricane.

What if that passion was just a glimpse of their life together, a life that, according to everyone around her, she had willingly chosen? Could she allow herself to become that vulnerable again to the man who had hurt her the most? To the man who had all but destroyed her?

I guess that's how it goes, she thought with a bitter-sweet smile. No one has that kind of power over you unless you love them desperately. She took off her wedding ring and looked inside, reading the engraving for the seventh time that day. "You are my soul." She shook her head and got up.

As long as she didn't remember, she was safe. Because if she ever did, she knew that nothing could stop her from going back to him. And the idea scared her more than she could say.

"How long will I be able to keep this up?" she whispered in the dusk, watching the sky turn from a vibrant pink to soft blues and greys.

And then there was Diego. The charming, attentive, handsome Diego. He had been showing her a good time in the last few days and made her forget her predicament for hours at a time. They would put their masks on (she discovered that he had a black one matching hers) and lose themselves in the carnival crowd, pretending one night to be European royalty, another to be Hollywood stars travelling incognito. They ate in the best restaurants in town and drank nothing but Champaign. Everything was light and simple when he was around, and her problems looked inconsequential. She loved it.

He certainly looked smitten with her, even thought he had yet to touch her. Maybe that's what I need, she thought, to start fresh with a man who will treat me like a queen, a man with whom I share no painful history. She was never one to take the easiest route, but Diego did seem like the safe choice, and maybe it was time that she did things differently. She had suffered enough.

There was a knock at the door and she swiftly went to it, smiling at the thought of Diego whisking her away for another night of adventure. She let out a cry of surprise when she discovered another man on the threshold, who took her in his arms and closed the door behind them.

"Ed!" She wanted to say more, but to her surprise could only burst into tears.

He gently stroked her hair, whispering soothing words. When she had finally calmed down, he let her go and cradled her face in his hands, staring warmly into her eyes.

"You scared the hell out of me, getting yourself kidnapped like that in Mexico!"

She laughed in spite of herself and so did he. "What are you doing here?"

Ed stayed silent for a while and then replied: "I think the question is "What are YOU doing here, Holly?"

She stepped back, blushing. "What do you mean?"

"Why are you alone in a strange country when you could be with the people that you love?"

Holly walked to the window, opening the curtains with an impatient gesture. "The people I love? Who are you talking about exactly?"

Ed joined her and put a hand on her shoulder, which calmed her as always. He always had had that power over her. "Blake told me about your amnesia. She says you won't talk to her or Ross."

"So? Did you come here on their behalf?"

"I came here on your behalf, Holly. I'm the knight in shining armor; I can't help it, remember?"

She looked at him, ready to protest, when she saw a twinkle in his eyes and realized that he was making fun of their somewhat twisted relationship. She smiled, relieved.

"You didn't have to come, you know, but it's sure good to see you, Ed."

They both sat on the couch and kept silent for a few minutes.

"I heard about Maureen," she said after a while.

A cloud passed in Ed's eyes and he said nothing.

"I'm sorry; maybe I shouldn't have mentioned it."

"No, it's fine; it's been a long time now. I guess you never really get over something like that, I know I won't, but in time you learn to go on. I even met someone else, a doctor. Her name is Eve..." he stopped abruptly, getting up.

"You know, this is so weird! Here I am, talking about her as if you didn't know her, when in fact you've seen us together countless times!"

Holly smiled, genuinely amused.

"You think this is weird? Welcome to my life!" She paused and then added: "In any case, I'm sure that she's very nice and that I will love her once we meet again."

Ed looked embarrassed. "You should know that she's not exactly your biggest fan."

This time Holly laughed out loud. "Your wives have always hated me, each and every one of them, so I wouldn't expect any less from her."

Ed joined her in laughter. "Yeah, you're right, they all hated your gut, but who could blame them? You're my closest friend."

"I'm flattered; I thought Ross was your best friend."

"You both are, but Ross is not a mesmerizing, sophisticated redhead. That's why they cut him some slack." Ed concluded, smirking.

Holly joined him and squeezed his hand. "I'm so glad you're here!"

Hearing this, his eyes turned from playful to earnest. "And I'm glad to see that you're still the same, despite your amnesia. But you didn't answer me before. Why aren't you back in Springfield? It's almost as if you were running away from something, and it's not like you."

She punched him on the arm and replied in a derisive tone: "Oh please, it's exactly like me and you know it. If you're the knight in shining armor, than I'm the queen of evasion."

Ed took a few steps back, rubbing his arm and looking falsely hurt. "What is it then? Can't you find it in your heart to forgive your daughter?"

Holly sighed. "I do forgive her, or at least I'm getting around to it. At first, the idea of her being with Ross was totally incomprehensible to me, but in the last few days, I've started to remember certain things about them that have made it easier for me to understand where we all stand now."

"What things?"

"Their wedding, for instance. At least, I think that's what it was."

"Let's see, how was her dress?"

"Huge."

"And how was yours?"

"Mauve, with straps."

Ed smiled. "Yeah, I remember that dress. You looked lovely."

Holly nodded at the compliment, relieved that she had not been imagining things after all. On the other hand, if this memory was real, then so were the others she had been having. Her brow darkened as she thought of Roger once again. Although neither of them had spoken his name, his shadow had been looming over them for the entire conversation.

It had never been difficult for Ed to read her, and he sensed that he had finally succeeded in bringing her to the heart of the matter. "Are you afraid of going back to him?" he asked, not even needing to spell out his name.

She lifted her face toward him, looking helpless and slightly panicked. "Oh, honey," he said, taking her in his arms again.

"What am I going to do, Ed? I spent half my life running away from him, and now I find out that I was in fact running straight into his arms. I feel like I don't know myself anymore."

Ed took his time before answering.

"Or maybe, just maybe, you were being honest with yourself for the first time in a long time."

Before Ed could continue, they were interrupted by Diego, who immediately retreated when he realized that Holly had company. She told him not to be silly and urged him to come in.

Both men stared curiously at each other while she made the introductions, each wondering what the other meant to the beautiful redhead.

"Diego has been a tremendous help to me, he's the one who recommended my neurosurgeon," Holly explained.

"That's very generous of you," Ed replied.

"It was my pleasure."

"Ed is one of my closest and long-time friends. He was worried about me and so he decided to come down here."

Diego gave them one of his dazzling smiles. "As well he should; you've been trough a lot! I will leave you two alone now, I'm sure you will want to catch up. Please take my usual table on the patio, it's under my name."

"What about you? Won't you join us?" Ed asked.

"I'll be fine on my own," Diego assured them.

"I insist."

Diego walked to the door. "Holly needs to be able to speak frankly about her worries, and I would only be in the way. Please enjoy yourself without me." He left without waiting for their reply.

Holly shrugged and grabbed her purse. "Shall we go then? I'm starving."

Ed stopped her before she could head out the door. "Holly, isn't the situation complicated enough without this man?"

"Diego has been a good friend to me. Besides, it's nothing I can't handle, so don't worry."

He followed her with a sigh, unconvinced.

"You should try the cheesecake; it's so creamy it's probably illegal."

"I'm so full I'm about to burst. Let's order a pillow instead so that we can sleep it off."

So the meal had passed, both of them preferring to joke around instead of pursuing their serious conversation. However, as they became more sedated with the food and the wine, Holly's thoughts turned once again to Ed's last remark about Roger.

"What did you mean about me being honest for the first time in a long time?"

Ed threw his napkin on the table and stretched. "Ha! I knew you'd get back to that. You know, when you decided to go back to Roger a few years ago, I wasn't that surprised. Roger had never been able to cut you out of his life, and neither had you. To someone else, it could look as if you just loved to hate each other, and I guess to some extent that's what you both though too, but I suspected that it was something else. Deep inside, you were longing for each other, and you just didn't know how to deal with it, so you clashed and clashed against each other until you finally stopped fighting it."

"Do you mean that I should go back to him?"

"Don't get me wrong, I can't stand Roger and I wish that he had never crossed your path. But he did, and you fell in love with him, and now there is no going back. There are situations in life that you just can't change, and I think that this is one of them. So, in a way, I'm glad that you decided to embrace it. You're being true to yourself at last."

"And what about him, do you think he's being honest with himself?"

"As you know, I'm not privy to Roger's innermost thoughts, but I think he really loves you, in his weird way. And for what it's worth, I think he stopped fighting his love for you long before you did."

Holly was riveted to his lips, amazed at what she was hearing. She totally trusted Ed to tell her exactly what he thought, which made it even more surprising.

"I wouldn't be surprised if you two hurt each other again, but that's the way it goes. We all have our burdens in life; for some it's poverty, for others it's addiction or illnesses. For you, it's a tumultuous love life."

She ran her hand trough her hair, trying to get it all in. If Ed gave her his blessing, then it changed everything. A part of her wanted to stay in Panama, in a sheltered life with Diego, who she knew would welcome her with open arms. The other part, however, felt a stronger and stronger pull towards her husband. A husband who was nowhere to be found, she remembered with a sigh.

"Ed, do you know where he is? He left four days ago and I have no idea where he went," she admitted.

"What? I thought he was here or in Chicago, waiting for you."

"He was, but then we fought, and I pushed him away," she said sheepishly.

"And he left? You must have been pretty nasty for him to leave here unprotected. I mean you were kidnapped, for Christ's sake!"

"I've been a bitch, alright? I don't blame him for leaving, so calm down. Besides, Diego has hired bodyguards for me, so there's nothing to worry about as long as I stay here."

Ed took a deep breath, trying not to get worked up over Roger, a feat that he was not always able to perform. "Speaking about that, how long are you going to stay here? I really think that you should come back to Springfield with me."

Holly looked at the canal. If only she knew.