So here is my morbid attempt at some humor...though I think its more of a cutsie thing than a funny thing (Did that make any sense...?) Came up with the idea and just had to write it down.
I don't own the Legend of Zelda or any of its characters.
"Sigh..."
The warlord gazed contently outside the window, eyelids threatening to close as he basked in the sunlight streaming into the library. His bulging muscles relaxed as he set the book he had been reading down, opting instead to fold his arms behind his head as he allowed his eyes to close lazily mulling over the good fortune he had been bestowed.
For hundreds of years he had fought. He had endured one imprisonment after another, one defeat after the next. It wasn't long before his purpose for all his efforts was lost to him, his battles only meant to satisfy the maddening lust he had developed, the drive of Power muddling his senses as he unconsciously left behind a permanent trail of blood in Hyrule's ancient history. No matter the pain he sustained, no matter who he hurt, no matter which poor soul he manipulated, he continued onward, always with one motive; to shed the blood of the ones that had hurt him, which was also lost to the wind after some time.
It came as a surprise that one finally came forth to tame the mad beast inside of him, to comfort his restless soul, to give him what he had truly been searching for throughout his entire life; a home. A home in which he could feel safe. A haven in which he did not fear death nor hunger. A place in which he could be himself, be at peace with himself.
What was even more strange than that was that one, the one who had the gut and nerve to approach him in a different light, was the Princess Zelda, now Queen of course, who had soothed his raving soul, and had made Hyrule his home, and him her King. Had it been a few years back, he would have repulsed at the very idea of even having something akin to a friendly conversation with his lifelong enemies, reborn over and over again, let alone rule alongside one of them, but now that hatred had long dissipated, forever gone, replaced with a new feeling, one that was invigorating, one that lent him strength instead of draining him of it. She had been truly wise; instead of fighting back an ever occurring darkness, why not tame it to bend to her will? He laughed softly at the thought; he had grown accustomed to bending people towards his will, not the other way around. Ironically enough though, he enjoyed it.
It was because now he was truly happy, and, to him, that was all that mattered.
"Ganondorf..."
He snapped out of his thoughts as he lazily opened one eye, casually observing the young woman at the door. Stretching his arms out, he let out a mighty yawn, slightly irritating the noble woman, the Queen Zelda herself.
"I've been looking for you for Din knows how long, and here you are wasting your life away daydreaming!" she scolded him as she angrily made herself over to his desk.
"Sorry! Sheesh...no need to get so angry..." he said calmly as he settled himself more comfortably into his chair. "Now, why have you been searching me out for so long dear?"
Zelda folded her arms, glaring at her husband's calm demeanour. She hated it when he tried to act naive, as if he didn't already know why she had taken so much effort into searching the entire castle for him.
"It's your turn today Ganondorf."
His calm changed drastically within seconds as his golden eyes widened, putting his arms up to defend himself.
"Oh come! It's your turn today Zelda. Don't try to—"
Ganondorf winced as Zelda somehow managed to grab his ear, pulling him closer to her.
"Don't try to play wise guy with me. You do this EVERY single time dear, but that never helped you get out of this, did it?" she whispered angrily into his throbbing ear.
Trying to shake her off without doing anything remotely dangerous, he whined " Why do we have to do these things!?! Why can't we get the soldiers, the Generals, Link , for Din's sake, to take care of-"
"We did, remember? And they all failed miserably..." Zelda sighed as she let go of his very red aching ear, "Quite miserably in fact..."
Ganondorf groaned as he hit his head against the table. "Farore...why me...?"
"Because it is our responsibility, and frankly, we can't expect others to fulfill them for us." Zelda sighed once more, "Look, just get it over with, and we won't have to worry about it for a while at least, alright?"
"Although it would be much nicer if that "while" lasted just a bit longer..." Zelda thought a little miserably. She had managed to bring the Lord of Darkness under her control, yet there was always something that had to go wrong in her life something that had to give her a complex challenge. Why had Nayru cursed her so?
"Fine, fine..." he grumbled as he reluctantly lifted himself out of his comfortable chair, all happy thoughts fleeing from his mind as he thought of the task ahead. "I better be getting something good out of all of this..." he mumbled as he silently grieved over the fact that he wasn't in his armour; he had a feeling that it would come in handy right now, very much in handy...
"Of course you're getting something out of all this..." Zelda said quite sarcastically as she began to shove him towards the door.
"Besides an extremely large headache, what would that be?" Ganondorf sighed as he allowed his wife to literally manhandle him as she pushed him along, reaching the door in a short amount of time.
She put him right outside the door, giving him a serene (and very fake) smile.
"A rewarding experience." She said happily as she slammed the door in his face, leaving the startled man stunned as he heard the lock click into place.
"Now..." Zelda thought as she returned to his desk, eyeing the book that the Gerudo had left behind, "What was he reading...?" She picked up the book, scanning the page he had marked. Her eyes went wide as she felt her face heat up...
The cook in the kitchen hummed softly as he cut the carrots in perfect slices, waiting for the boy servant to bring him the peeled potatoes. As he worked, he notice said boy walk in, all the perfectly peeled potatoes piled neatly on the platter in his hands, beaming at the result of his hard work.
They, however, did not expect this peace to be disrupted so abruptly as a tremor shook the foundations of the very building itself, causing the boy to jump, sending all the potatoes flying in every direction. Quite a few of them found their mark on the cook's poor head, causing a lot of carrots to also fly out of his grasp, coincidence being that they happen to hit the boy on his head as well.
"GANONDORF!!!! YOU INSUFFERABLE PERVERT!!! WAIT UNTIL I GET MY HANDS ON YOU!!!"
The cook turned around to eye the boy who was on the floor, rubbing his head as he looked miserably to all his hard work being undone so quickly.
"His majesty should really be a bit more careful when he wishes to read explicit literature..." the cook sighed as he began to pick up the scattered vegetables.
Strangely enough, Ganondorf had not noticed as his mind was fully set on the task set ahead of him, blocking out anything that might distract him. In his long life, he had faced many enemies, powerful adversaries that could rend the world asunder. Yet he, Lord of Darkness, Bearer of Power, had taken them down with nary a flick of his wrist, having no need of overexerting himself.
Yet for this task...he needed all his strength, all the wit and cunning he could muster from his experienced mind, all-
He stopped abruptly as he heard a faint sound. His mind on alert, he slowly lifted his gaze. Hmmm...strange enough, he had wandered into that weird corridor, the one with all the suits of armour...
His eyes widened immediately as he began running down the corridor, hands quickly grasping hold of the dagger he kept by him at all times as all the suits (there had to be over twenty of them, damnit!) sprang to life, wielding their deadly spears as they tore after him, the sound of their clanging armour reverberating along the walls of the empty corridor. He ducked as a spear whizzed over him, barely missing his head and embedding itself into a nearby wall. Mind always vigilant, he made for the staircase at the end of the corridor that would lead him downstairs. Hopefully these armour suits would be clumsy manoeuvring the stairs and would fall down, breaking them into numerous parts. He could have easily destroyed them with his magical prowess, but he could only fathom how royally pissed Zelda would be at him for destroying such ancient art, even if they were trying to behead him at the moment, and fighting back with a dagger wasn't exactly the best idea.
He jumped as one of the armour suits tried to trip him, cursing as he continued his flight. How had they made these suits so damn persistent !?! Making inanimate objects move like this required a good bout of magic....where had they learned how to do these things!?!
He had been too deep in his bewildered thoughts to have noticed the stray piece of wet soap left at the mouth of the "life-saving" staircase. This had costed him greatly, for his rotten luck had caused his foot to land directly on that cursed yellow slippery thing.
At that moment, many things happened at once; first, the great former Lord of Darkness gave an indignant shout as he took a not so graceful fall, arms flailing uselessly by his sides as he fell straight into one of the armoured suits, which caused an instant domino reaction; a cacophony of sounds was heard as the armoured suits all crashed to the ground, pieces flying in every which direction . This may have seemed like good fortune, but Ganondorf, as always, was cursed to always have some sort of misfortune just because he was Ganondorf. As a result, a stray suit of armour, which had managed to avoid the Domino effect, ended up tripping on the loose pieces lying on the ground which caused it to crash into the Gerudo, sending him on a very undignified and tumbling trip down the spiral staircase.
Thankfully, he reached the bottom in a short amount of time, shouting curses that would have made his wife give him a good kick in the shins. His body ached as he rubbed his head, shaking it in disbelief.
"Well, at least THAT'S out of the way..."
Well...out of the way was what he should have been as a discreet box over his head opened, dropping its contents all over his head.
Rotten milk. Rotten, cheesy, stinking , MILK.
The massive Gerudo just blinked as he felt the liquid run down his scalp and along his body. He took in deep breaths as he shut his eyes.
"Do not get angry, do not get angry, do not get angry..." he repeated to himself over and over as if it were some kind of mantra. Shaking his head, which caused bits of the curd to fly off of him, he looked up, seeing the shadows of his fleeing targets turn the corner, their silent giggles echoing along the empty corridor. Ganondorf, despite the circumstances, felt a smirk tug at his lips; they had given themselves away much too easily this time.
Determination restored, the man got to his feet without a second thought, hoping to catch his prey before they eluded his grasp. Unfortunately, not giving it a second thought was a grave mistake on his part; he had failed to notice that this corridor was filled with portraits of famous knights, knights that held very dangerous weapons in their hands as they struck their heroic poses. In a few seconds, he found himself petrified, glued to his spot as an arrow shivered, embedded into the wall along with his shirt. His eyes slowly moved as he observed the portraits, all of the knights aiming their shiny, potential weapons at him.
"One...two..." the Gerudo muttered under his breath as he warily kept his eyes trained on the threatening pictures. Taking a deep breath, he looked up, eyes filled with resolve...
"THREE!!!" Shouting this, he cast a shielding spell as he took another run down the thankfully shorter hallway, focusing on maintaining the protective walls about him as the arrows, spears, and swords rebounded harmlessly off the magical barriers. This had been much easier than the fiasco with the armoured suits, that was a certainty, yet he wasn't about to take a leisurely stroll down here; Din knew what other trap was waiting for him here if he lingered around too much.
Rounding the corner, he saw a nearby door slam shut. He abruptly stopped, carefully observing the new hallway for anything that had the potential of running him through. No suits of armour, no portraits, no pots, no swords...everything seemed clear. Heaving a sigh of relief, he gingerly walked towards the door, keeping an eye out for any discreet boxes which could be right over his head, waiting to drop some unsavoury contents over him. No...everything seemed clear.
Yet, as he reached for the doorknob...he could not help but feel that he was missing something...
He figured it out as soon as he opened the door. He could not understand why he had not thought of that possibility. They had rigged it; opening it caused a nifty launch mechanism to be set in motion. Before he could even think of ducking, a very large water balloon hit him full force on his bare chest, bursting open...
And covering him head to toe in horse manure.
He stood there seething as he clenched and unclenched his fists, manure running down his sides, completely missing his greatest opportunity of catching his quarry as they bolted past him, laughing hysterically as they ran back the way he had come.
If he had been angry before, that had been nothing compared to how he felt NOW. His great muscles shuddered as he tried to contain his legendary rage, gritting his teeth as his fingernails dug into the palms of his hands. Growling, he narrowed his eyes as he took in a deep breath...
"I....I...QUIT!!! IT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!!" Huffing, he turned around and stomped away, smelling terribly awful as he set his sights towards his room. A bath was in order, a long, relaxing bath. He felt he deserved it after all he had been put through.
He finally reached his room, sighing in exhaustion as he shut the door behind him. Every single person that had seen him as he angrily stalked towards his room, or more like smelled him, had nodded in solemn acknowledgement of what he had been trying to deal with. Every single denizen of Hyrule Castle had dealt with this ordeal at least once, and could clearly sympathize with their stinking, dirty, and exhausted king. At least they weren't laughing at him; that would have REALLY set him off.
Not paying much attention, he tiredly made his way to his private bathing chambers, mumbling something along the lines of being cursed with too many unfortunate events to do him any good. Perhaps this was the reason why when he opened the door to enter, he happened to jump back, startled, as he fell on his backside, eyes wide as he observed who had been standing in his way.
"W-w-what!?!"
His quarry! Both of them! Standing right there!
The taller of the two of them was a little girl with hair as bright as his own, yet her eyes were as blue and sharp as Zelda's, intelligence shining in their azure depths. Her features were soft, her ears pointed, mostly acquiring the features of a Hylian, yet her arms and legs were built strong, like those of a Gerudo, even at her young age. Her skin was not pale like Zelda's, yet not dark like his; the shade was right in the middle, a nice tan hue.
The shorter was a boy, and, Ganondorf had always admitted proudly, an exact copy of himself. His wild red hair stuck out at odd angles, his golden eyes filled with mischief as he grinned, giggling.
"Wow...you actually got them into the bathing chambers this time."
Ganondorf turned his head to the side as Zelda came to stand by him, quietly observing the giggling children. She immediately pinched her nose, turning to him as she stared at him, appalled by his appearance.
"Did you fall into the pig pen or something?" Zelda inquired as she stepped away from her very smelly husband.
"Something like that yes..." he replied as he glared at the two children, their laughter immediately ceasing and quickly being replaced with a look of guilt.
He didn't expect the children to run to him and jumped onto his lap, seeing that he was covered in horse manure and rotten milk. Then again, that was the joy of being a child; mundane things like dirt and smell didn't matter if it was in the spirit of fun. They shared a secret look between each other and gave each other a knowing grin before rubbing themselves against him, staring into his eyes pleadingly.
"Papa take bath with us!" the boy shouted gleefully as he clapped his hands, now covered in manure.
"Please Papa..." the girl begged childishly as she snuggled against his chest, "Papa come take a bath with us?"
Zelda laughed as she watched their son and daughter look at him hopefully. Children could be so strange sometimes; the simplest things could make them happy. "Looks like that was their purpose all along; to get you in the bathtub with them."
Ganondorf sighed as his anger instantly faded. Looking down at them as he patted his daughter's head, he inquired, "Why didn't you just ask me?"
His son pouted as he angrily crossed his arms. "Papa say he always busy. Papa no have time for fun with us."
He could only scratch his head in response, feeling guilty. He did often tell his children he was busy, pre-occupied with his duties as King. It came as no surprise that they would be cross with him, as Zelda seem to find enough time to spend with them. Why couldn't he?
They had used their Wisdom, their wit, their cunning, and their Power, the magical prowess they had inherited from their parents, to corner him, leaving him no choice but to spend time with them. A lot of time. He had known that children with both Power and Wisdom meshed within their very souls at birth would beget a lot of mischief. This he had warned Zelda of when she had been pregnant with their first child, their daughter
He never ceased to remind Zelda of how true his statement was. The entire castle could bear testimony to that.
"Alright then...who's going to go fill the bathtub?"
The children shouted gleefully in triumph as they scampered off to the bathing room, racing to the large tub fit for royalty. Ganondorf stood up, ready to follow after them.
"Ahem."
The man turned around, becoming slightly wary as he noticed the vicious spark in Zelda's eyes.
"What's wrong?" he asked innocently.
She slowly lifted the book in her hand, showing him EXACTLY what was wrong. Ganondorf grinned sheepishly, putting a hand behind his head.
"Oh THAT...heh heh heh...uhhhh....Hey kids! How's about I fill that tub up, yeah?'
He bolted into the bathing room, and as misfortune was his constant companion, he tripped and fell straight on his face.
"Oh no...this is going to be very painful..."
The children laughed as they watched their father meekly protect himself as their mother beat him with the book, yelling profanities that they knew were very, very bad. Grinning devilishly, they stored it in their minds, secretly chuckling as they thought about how to use those words later on.