Summary: AU. This series of letters detail the life of Sméagol after the events of Return of the King as he struggles with his multiple personalities (and his strange attraction to Frodo) and attempts to find happiness in Mount Doom by marrying an orc and opening a Bed and Breakfast.
Disclaimer: All rights to Lord of the Rings go to J.R.R. Tolkien and New Line Cinema. And the Very Secret Diaries belong to the amazing Cassandra Claire.
A/N: These letters were written in 2002-2003 by Eileen, Tenley, Sophie, Allie and me, mostly Eileen and me. Yeah, we had way too much time on our hands. You probably have to read Cassandra Claire's Very Secret Diaries first in order for them to make sense. And while you're at it, you should read all her other stuff too, because she is absolutely phenomenal.
There are some Spanish phrases in this story. Their meaning should be pretty obvious within the context, but just for those dim among you:
casa: house
mi papa: my dad
sueter: sweater
bailar: to dance
me gusta: it pleases me, I like
para comer: to eat
pregunta: question
fuego: fire
magico: magic
Letters to Granny
Dear Granny,
We is very sorry that we hasn't written to you in over 250 years. You see, first we was mad at you for turning us out, then we spent 200 years squatting in darkness, jewelry fondling and talking about oursself in 3rd person/1st person plural. Then we was too sad to write because the nassssssssty Bagginses stole our precious. Then we spent 50 or so years being forced to watch Flipper and old reruns of something in Sauron's fortress (stupid Sauron), then we was busy escaping from elves and tracking down tricksy little hobbitses who now have our precious.
Guess what, Granny? Good Sméagol is now good(ish) again and is helping the nice master destroy the precious. NO, NO, PRECIOUS, WE MUST POKE THEIR LITTLE EYESES OUT BECAUSE THE SUSPISIOUS HOBBIT IS ALWAYS WATCHING! THEN WE THROTTLES THEM IN THEIR SLEEP! YES, PRECIOUS. But we likes the master; he takes care of us. NO, A BAGGINS STOLE IT AND A BAGGINS HAS IT NOW. WE HATES THE BAGGINSES! Not this Baggins. YES, ALL BAGGINSES.
Oh yummy, we has tracked the tricksy little hobbitses into Gondor and is now eating fish so juicy sweeeeeeeeeet! Nice fisssh, nice fissssh. Oh no, now master wants good Sméagol to leave. Told him we must finish fish, but he said precious would get angry and as we sweared on...on the precious!
We must go. We will write to you again from our new casa after we has bitten off nice masters finger (with which he strokes the precious lovingly), and while dancing around going "my precious, my precious, we finally has our precious" has fallen into mount doom, still yelling "my preeeeeeciouussss".
Love, Sméagol/Gollum/us!
P.S. Say hello to Deagol for us. (Oh wait, we had to kill him precious; he sssssstole our birthday present from us! Not listening.)
P.P.S. It has suddenly occurred to us that you probably died hundreds of years ago, unless of course you found another precious, in which case we will have to kill you. Unless you visit us in Mt. of Fuego and give it to us for our 278th birthday pressie.
xxx
Hello Sméagol,
Thissssss issssssssss your granny. How dare you say that we is dead. Of course we has a precious. (But don't tell Sauron or else he might set up a booby trap for us. Stupid Sauron).
And hhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh haaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. You can't come and steal the precious from us because you are all burned up. Fortunately no nasssssssty hobbitses have tried to get the precious from us yet. Thank you for warning us. Good Sméagol.
I have said hello to Deagol's rotting corpse for you. He says " ", because he's dead. You killed him; we knows. We knows you had to kill him, precious, he sssssstole your birthday present from you. Well, we has news for you, good Sméagol. Deagol covertly slipped the real precious to us before he died. (We is magico). And the one you had and were tracking los tricksy little hobbitses down for was a DECOY! So ha ha ha on you again.
Poor Sméagol, we will come visit you in your new casa soon, but we will come without the precious so you can't steal it from us. We will bring you fresh fish however. Yay!
Love from your,
Granny
P.S. It has suddenly occurred to us that you is probably melted by now. Perhaps we won't visit you in your new casa after all.
xxx
Dear Granny,
Guess what? We got some nice fissh. Except mi papa says that they're not for eating and they're just supposed to swim around in the tank. I said "What about their legs? They don't need them." He pointed out that fish don't have legs. Stupid papa. I think I will sneak into the Forbidden Fishtank tonight and eat them anyway. Nice fissh, precious. Don't want fish.
-Sméagol
P.S. We took one of those stupid internet questionnaires. Even though the internet doesn't exist yet. Here is the results:
Sméagol's Questionnaire
1. Do you love anyone?
THE PRECIOUS AND FISH
2.How much?
VERY MUCH
3.Who is the hottest person ever?
THE PRECIOUS
No, Sméagol, person.
NICE MASTER
4.Who are the 10 hottest people in school?
WE DOESN'T GO TO SCHOOL
5.Who do you consider your best friend?
THE PRECIOUS
6.Do you belong to any groups, in or out of school?
PERVY HOBBIT FANCIERS ANNONYMOUS
7. Who is the most popular guy at school?
WE TOLD YOU, WE DOESN'T GO TO SCHOOL
8.Who's the most popular girl at school?
WE DOESN'T GO TO SCHOOL!
9. Who at school would make the cutest couple?
WE IS NOT EVEN DIGNIFYING THAT WITH AN ANSWER
10.What is your secret desire?
WHAT ARE YOU, STUPID OR SOMETHING? HAVEN'T YOU READ THE BOOKS? TO TRACK DOWN LOS TRICKSY LITTLE HOBBITSES AND GET BACK THE PRECIOUS!
No, no, Sméagol. I knew about that; that is not secret. What is your secret desire?
DON'T TELL ANYONE, BUT WE ONLY WISHES TO CATCH SOME FISHES.
No, Sméagol, I don't think you know the meaning of the word "secret". For the last time, what is your secret desire?
DARN IT, WE WAS HOPING WE WOULD GET AWAY WITH THE FISHES ONE. OKAY, OKAY, WE WISHES TO TAKE NICE MASTER OUT TO DINNER AND FOR PEOPLE TO STOP CALLING POOR SMEAGOL A "SNEAK".
Bye,
xxx
Dear Granny,
Hello, how is you doing? We is glad to hear you isn't dead. NO WE ISN'T! WE HATES GRANNY! No, we looooves Granny. She makes us nice cookies. Nice peanut butter cookies. YOU IDIOT! WE'S ALLERGIC TO PEANUT BUTTER! Oh. Well, how is the weather at your house? Is very hot in Mount Doom. Pretty fire, though. And Lord Sméagol, no, Gollum the Great, the Gollum has fish three times a day, fresh from the fish tank. YOU IDIOT! WE'S ALLERGIC TO SEAFOOD! Oh. That would explain the coughing and hacking after the Forbidden Pool scene. WE HATES THE MASTER! Nope. We loves nice master. Takes cruel rope off Sméagol. Anyway, Granny, we is thinking of starting a Bed and Breakfast here. Really good location for vacationing hobbitses, yes Precious. And they won't make us grub for roots and carrotses and- what's taters? YOU IDIOT! WE'S ALLERGIC TO TATERS!
Well, goodbye, Granny.
Love,
NO! HATE!
No, we loves Granny,
HATE,
GOLLUM
xxx
Dear Sméagol,
I'm glad to see that you still have split personality disorder. Sméagol is supposed to be doing his honors essays, so bye. I'll write to you again tomorrow and send you some yummy peanut-butter-tater-whatever-elsse-you're-allergic-to cookies, because we hatessssssss the good Sméagol.
Love, Granny
xxx
Hello Granny!
Is still hot in Mount Doom, so will most unfortunately not be able to make use of sweater you sent (pink not our color anyway). WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT! WE LOVES PINK! WHERE WOULD YOU BE WITHOUT PINK? Well we's allergic to wool anyway. Have just opened Bed and Breakfast. Is called Sméagol's B&B. NO! GOLLUM'S B&B! No, Sméagol's B&B. Leave now and never come back! We told him to go away, and away he went! Sméagol is FREE! Anyway, B&B not going too well. Was expecting a curly-haired, blue-eyed Hobbit who enjoys jewelry fondling, squatting in darkness and referring to self in third person to show up. Most unfortunately, no Hobbits are coming at all. What is poor Sméagol going to eat? We's allergic to everything else. (YOU'S ALLERGIC TO HOBBITS TOO!) And orcs don't taste so good.
Your "friend"
Free Sméagol
xxx
Hello, my darling Sméagol. NO WE HATES SMEAGOL!
We has a suggestion to make. How about you call your B&B Fresh Fish From The Ocean (or the fish tank) and you could serve fresh fish from the ocean (or the fish tank). Except that there is probably no fish tanks or oceans in Mount Doom.
We is so sorry you doesn't like the sweater we sent. (NO WE ISNT, WE KNEW YOU WAS ALLERGIC TO WOOL; THAT'S WHY WE SENT IT.) But we didn't send you a pink sueter; we sent you a purple one, and then shipped it to Rivendell's Quick Mail to Mount Doom Service. I was told it got sent directly to Elrond himself. I wonder what happened to it. Elrond wouldn't do anything to it. He is nice like fisssssh. (NO, WE HATES ELROND. HE TWISTS EVIL ROPES.) Well, we must be going now.
Love, Granny
xxx
Dear Granny,
How are you? Sméagol is doing very bad. Why do you cry Sméagol? (Sniff) Master tricked us. He sold film rights to Lord of the Rings. WE TOLD YOU HE WAS TRICKSY! No! YES! Stupid, cruel men copied poor Sméagol's Forbidden Pool song. LET'S GO POKE THEIR LITTLE EYESES OUT! Or... We could let HER do it. WHO'S HER, EH, PRECIOUS? Our lawyer! She sues the cruel men for copying our Forbidden Pool song! YAY!
Your friends,
Sméagol/Gollum who is going to POKE THEIR LITTLE EYESES OUT/sue New Line Cinemas for copyright infringement.
xxx
Dear Granny,
Hmmm... This is very mysterious. I also tried to send you something purple through Rivendell. Perhaps Elrond stole it too. NO! IT'S BECAUSE GRANNY DOESN'T LIKE THE PURPLE LOINCLOTH THAT YOU SENT HER! YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS. NOBODY LIKES YOU! No. We knows Granny would ask Sméagol for a receipt so she could exchange it for a nice pink loincloth instead. She wouldn't trick poor Sméagol and pretend she never got it. YES SHE WOULD! SHE IS TRICKSY! No. Elrond stole it! NO HE DIDN'T! PURPLE DOESN'T MATCH HIS SKIN COMPLEXION!
HATE,
GOLLUM
P.S. Thank you for your B&B idea. It has helped us settle the dispute. We was going to have a boxing match to see what it would be called.
P.P.S. We thinks that having multiple personalities must run in the family.
xxx
Hi Sméagol,
How is you doing now? This is very mysterious indeed(y). We has received a lime green loincloth from you, but you says you sent a purple one? Hmmmmmmmm, well, we would have loved to have a purple one. NO WE WOULDN'T, WE HATES PURPLE. IT DOESN'T GO WITH OUR COMPLEXION OR ANY OF OUR PURSE AND SHOE COMBOS! Unfortunately neither does lime green. Oh, we tells a lie; there was that one lime green high heel and bag set we got from Deagol BEFORE YOU DID HIM IN (we is not allowed to write the word "kill" in our e-mails anymore because we has a tattle-tale little sister). Anyway, we is going to have to test Elrond. We must send him a purple chain mail thingy for you to bailar around in (well, we will send it to you through Rivendell Quick Service) and see what color you get. That should solve the mystery. NO, WE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ELROND AND SMEAGOL. WE HAS BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN SOLVE MYSTERIES, SUCH AS SQUATTING IN DARKNESS, JEWELRY FONDLING AND TALKING ABOUT OURSELVES IN THIRD PERSON/ FIRST PERSON PLUREL, not to mention us having to deal with having multiple personalities. By the way, how could you suggest that we would ask for a receipt; we is far too polite to do that. WHERE IS OUR RECIET FOR THE LIME GREEN LOIN CLOTH?
We is feeling very lonely. No elves pass by here anymore, except for this really annoying "fellow" who is constantly looking in a mirror and muttering about being the fairest of them all or complaining about nobody loving him except some girl named Sheila who is threatening to do things to his elfhood. "He" is always kissing the dead carcass of a dwarf with braids. (We had to kill him, precious stroking precious lovingly; he was getting on our nerves with the whole "Well, just wait till my cousin Balin comes, he'll kick your "gluteus maximus" aka nalgas. Oh yeah, he's dead, my bad. Well, my strong and extremely feminine elf friend will do it for me...") So one night we climbed through a window to rob a cradle. (We didn't know dwarves slept in cradles, did you, precious?) Anyway, maybe he was very young because he was quite tender. Me gusta los dwarfies ...para comer!
Bye Sméagol, we loves you!
HATES YOU!
Loves you!
HATES YOU!
Okay, let's compromise. We dislikes you sometimes. Glad to hear about your success with the B&B!
GrAnNy
xxx
Dear Granny,
Sméagol is getting married! No, not to the Hobbit; we is straight now. (YOU LIAR! YOU KNOW YOU STILL WANTS FRODO!). We is going to marry a beautiful brunette orc named "Shirley". Has great teeth and wonderful smile. Also has pretty imprint of white hand on face. Don't know why, but won't tell us its real name. We told it that this might affect our relationship and it said it didn't buy into that New Age crap. Told it to get out of Second Age. First date started out well. It said that we is way hotter than Dobby and we didn't look like any Russian Presidents. Asked what Russia was and it said never mind. Later, it got very upset when found out we was not referring to it when we says "Precious." Made us watch Flipper 300 times when we said that we called it "it." Now wants us to call it "she." Told it to get out of Second Age. We then got into argument when it wouldn't tell us what it gots in its pocketses. Worked out in end, though. We is inviting you to come to our Wedding on March third. The wedding is at 4:00 at Mount Doom Methodist Church, and the reception is at Fresh Fish From The Fish Tank Bed and Breakfast. Scrumptiously crunchable refreshments will be served. Please RSVP by February 25.
Love,
Sméagol/Gollum
xxx
Dear Granny,
Sorry you couldn't make it to our wedding. We will provide you with a transcript of the wedding. We used our first initials so that it won't take as long to write. S stands for Sméagol and S stands for "Shirley."
S: We is almost ready for the wedding. What is you laughing at?
S: You look really funny in a tux, Sméagol.
S: Yeah, well you're the first orc I've ever seen in a wedding gown.
S: Where's the ring bearer?
S: WHAT? What ring bearer? We can't let it touch the Precious, oh no! Sméagol is not pleased!
(Frodo comes in)
Frodo: I'm lost. I don't know where I was sailing to at the end of Book VI.
S: Nassssty Baggins!
Frodo: Oh hi, Sméagol. Can I have my finger back?
S: NO! Was stroking the Precious lovingly, it was.
S: Sméagol, this is our ring bearer.
S: WHAT!
(Wedding starts. "Shirley" lets Sméagol be the groom and the ring bearer in order to minimize the number of poked out eyeses. Frodo exits once he is told that he is going to Undying Lands because Aragorn DID get married.)
Priest: Sméagol/Gollum, do you take this orc to be your lawfully wedded wife?
S: Mustn't ask us. Not its business.
Priest: But you have to answer the question.
S: No we doesn't.
Priest: Just say "I do."
S: What's taters, eh Precious, what's taters?
Priest: What?
S: How about I'll say "I do" for him.
S: How about we strangles the nasty, nosy priest?
(Priest runs out of the room)
To be continued later as we is hungry and must go eat some fish so juicy sweeeeeeeet!
xxx
Hello Sméagol,
We was so glad to hear that your wedding went well. NO WE ISN'T. WE HATES SMEAGOL AND WANTS HIM TO BE UNHAPPY FOREVER! We has only 3 preguntas:
1) We thought the wedding was on March 3. It is only Feb.16. What happened?
2) How come you simply didn't "accidentally" push the ringbearer into Mount Doom? and 3) Is you kidding yourself? Of course you're not straight!
Send us the rest of the info about your wedding. However, how come you didn't strangle the nasty nossy priest? He has no right to go poking his nossssssssse in other people's business. We should bite it off. No news from Granny. We isssssss just living our very boring life. How come the rock and pool is nice and cool? Where is our receipt for loincloth? We is getting impatient over here Sméagol!
Love,
Granny (we wants a name.)
xxx
Dear Granny,
Answers to your questions:
1) We changed the date of the wedding so that you couldn't come because we hates you. No, we loves Granny. NO, WE HATES HER!
2) The ring bearer was already in Mount Doom so we couldn't push him in.
3) Sméagol's feelings is hurt. Of course we is straight (YOU LIAR).
OK, here is the rest of our wedding.
S: Now look what you did! You scared the priest away.
S: Nasssty nosy priest.
S: How are we going to get married now?
Frodo: I can marry you guys.
S: NO! Sméagol doesn't want to get married to master! Yes we does. No we doesn't.
S: He didn't mean like THAT, Sméagol. He's going to replace the priest that you scared away.
S: Oh, we gets to poke HIS eyeses out?
(Sméagol chases Frodo around church.)
Frodo (while running around): Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
S: MUSN'T ASK US! NOT ITS BUSINESS!
S: Just say "I do"!
S: NO!
S: Sméagol, do it for me.
S: Then can we poke its eyeses out?
Frodo: No!
S: All right.
S: We does.
Frodo: Do you, "Shirley," take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?
S: I do.
Frodo: Now you give her the ring.
S: WHAT!
Frodo: You have to give her the ring.
S: Nobody tells poor Sméagol he has to give away precious!
S: It's part of the ceremony.
S: Can't touch precious!
Frodo: You need to give her a ring to get married.
S: Then we doesn't want to get married.
S: Then you got into that tux for nothing.
S: Doesn't care.
S: (starts crying)
S: What has it got in its pocketses?
Frodo: Oh, this? This is an Elven ring.
S: Where did the hobbit get it from, eh Precious?
Frodo: Gandalf gave it to me because he has an Elven ring at the end of Book VI.
S: We gives that ring to "Shirley"!
Frodo: No, you can't have this.
S: Nassty Baggins. We pokes its eyeses out if it doesn't give it to us.
(Frodo hands over ring and Sméagol gives it to "Shirley")
Frodo: I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride. (Runs out of church).
S: We can't kiss bride, though.
S: Why not?
S: Can't reach.
We plans to go on honeymoon to Undying Lands once we figures out how to get out of this stupid volcano thing. Sorry you couldn't make it to wedding (not really).
Love,
Sméagol