So How Do You Like Your Eggs?

Summary: A new course is being taught at Hogwarts' this year by a new, slightly whacked-out professor. It's Harry and the gang's final year, but what sort of things will be stirred up by this new class? And what exactly happened to Draco over the summer? Crazy assignments, new love interests, odd happenings and definitely some laughs. (oh, and little to no angst! whew) HP/DM (RW/HG and more)

Rating: PG-13/R

Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

Chapter 1 The Land of Back-story

Hermione playfully nipped at his lip. She began to move lower down his neck, nibbling his ear. Her hands tugged at his belt, undoing it slowly. Next to her, Ron was kissing his way down the chest he had recently exposed, flicking a tongue near his nipple. He undid the last shirt button and discarded the article just as Hermione finished unzipping the pants and pulling them down. Both looked at the person in front of them with growing hunger in their eyes. Their desire was strong, mixed with a hint of wickedness. They knew this would be considered breaking the rules, but when had they listened to rules before? They reached for the last remaining article, his undershorts. Both of their faces took on identical looks of lust as they tugged them down…

"Shit! What the fuck was that?" screamed Harry as he shot out of dreamland and into reality. His heart was racing and he was pale with shock. A shudder quickly passed through him.

"What was what?" asked Neville sleepily, sticking his head out of his bed curtains.

"Um…nothing…just a dream," he quickly answered.

He was not about to explain what kind of dream. There was no way he even wanted to think about it. Hermione and Ron! They were his best friends, might as well be family. You do not dream about doing that with your family. He had absolutely no desire to take a leaf out of Fred and George's book.

"Was it about You-Know-Who?" Ron asked while in the midst of getting dressed.

"Um…no…it was worse…," he muttered as he avoided looking at Ron only partially clothed.

Ron shrugged and continued with the matter of finding a suitable shirt.

"Oy, what could be worse?" Seamus piped up from the other side of the room.

"Nothing, nevermind…I'll just be heading down to breakfast." He quickly threw on some clothes and ran towards the door.

"Hey, wait up, mate. Maybe we should talk to Dumble-"

Harry slammed the door, scrambling to the portrait to avoid further questioning.

For Harry, the summer had been uneventful to say the least. He had been forced to sit around his uncle's house for the majority of it, only being able to see Hermione and Ron for the last two weeks of the holiday. The Order had continued to keep him in the dark, ignoring his queries on Voldemort, leaving him to wonder what exactly he was up to.

Now Harry was back at Hogwarts' for his seventh and final year. Still unsure about the fate of Voldemort, he hadn't decided what he would do once he actually got into the real world. He figured everything would work itself out, eventually.

'Oh well, I know it won't include threesomes with my best friends,' he thought and then shuddered. As he rounded the corner to the Great Hall, lost in his thoughts, he ran headlong into Draco Malfoy.

"Hey, watch it!" Harry yelled, though he'd been the one not paying attention.

But strangely the only response he received from the Slytherin was a half-hearted sneer.

'Sheesh, I wonder what his deal is. No smart-ass remarks from the death eater prince? Maybe he's finally gone off the deep-end,' he thought, sniggering to himself.

Surprisingly, Harry wasn't that far from the truth. Draco was very close to going off the deep-end because, contrary to Harry, he had had a very eventful summer.

It had all started when Lord Voldemort decided he wanted to become even stronger. Some of the Death Eaters wondered how much stronger he was capable of becoming, but none were brave enough to voice their opinions. When Draco learned of the plan, he thought it was rather foolish and arrogant. He understood power was great but come on, Lord Voldemort was already the strongest wizard besides Dumbledore, and Harry Potter wasn't really that powerful, just lucky. But Draco wasn't about to say anything against the Dark Lord either.

Soon after Voldemort announced his idea, the Death Eaters set out to find the ingredients necessary to complete the spell and potion he would need to accomplish the task. After spending half of the holiday collecting seemingly useless items like moonshade, fuite sprigs and hair from a horned-rat, they were finally ready for the big event.

At the weekly Death Eater meeting, Voldemort had explained that in order to complete the strengthening transformation he would need three others to perform the spell with. Wormtail, being the ever-faithful (and ass-kissing) servant, was chosen first. Of course, Lucius Malfoy jumped at this chance. Anything evil was A-ok in his book. The third to be selected was Bellatrix Lestrange, since she also had a taste for anything extremely evil and was willing to surrender herself to the Dark Lord.

Now, luckily for the Order their informant Professor Snape was keeping them up to date on Voldemort's scheme. At least, he was until Voldemort had chosen his three. Now they were the only ones receiving any information and they had no qualms gloating about it. The only thing he had managed to find out was the date that the transformation was planned to take place: July 31, which coincidentally just happened to be Harry Potter's 17th birthday.

Of course once they knew the date, the Order began making preparations. But for what? They didn't know exactly. When the date rolled around, the Order was as ready as it could be. Lookouts were placed at key spots in the wizarding community, including Hogwarts', Gringotts, the Malfoy residence, the Lestrange residence and of course Harry Potter's.

The two assigned to Number 4 Privet Drive were none other than Mad-Eye Moody and Tonks. Tonight, her hair was a long curly green, feeling it would blend in better than the bright pink she'd had earlier. Moody, being no more paranoid than usual, was dressed in simple robes and carrying his wand close.

At around 1am, Tonks had conjured herself a chair. She wasn't one for "constant vigilance" like Moody and decided that sitting down wouldn't hurt anyone. By 2, she was already dozing. Suddenly she heard a noise like glass breaking.

'Eh, probably just some drunk muggle,' she thought. 'It's not like You-Know-Who would be stupid enough to show up at Potter's…I hope.'

Simultaneously, Moody was near the back of the house keeping a more watchful eye. He assumed the sound had been made by Tonks, since she was not the most graceful of people. Tonks resettled herself, and went back to dozing, and Moody continued his watch, swiveling his magic eye in its socket.

But then another noise, this one like a trashcan crashing, was heard.

"Come here, Moody, something's out there!" Tonks called as she peered through the dark for Moody.

"What did you do now?" he growled.

She gave him an exasperated look. "Look in the alley across the street."

"I don't see anything…wait what is that exactly?"

Out of the dark stumbled a group of four figures; one female and the rest male, dressed rather flamboyantly. They seemed to be acting more than a bit off.

"Eh…what do you reckon?" asked Tonks.

"I'm not sure. That one there looks like the leader and he seems to be carrying some sort of…man-purse?" he answered bewildered.

"Maybe we should alert the Order- wait, is that who I think that is?" The long silver hair paired with grey-blue eyes was unmistakable.

"Right, we need to call someone. Now." was Moody's response.

Fieryzephyr: well there you have it, chapter 1! You would not believe the amount of time it took to get this posted (but I loved doing it), especially with my lazy beta taking forever to edit and then still missing a bunch of errors.

BetaEmily: hey! I take offense to that!

Fieryzephyr: well, maybe you should edit better and not watch The Matrix while you're doing it?

Puppet that has been christened "Dumbledore": This is not groovy at all! I have no lines in chapter 1! THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!

Fieryzephyr: um…Chapter 2 will be up very soon…less than 1 week.

BetaEmily: 1 week my ass.

Fieryzephyr: hmmm… I don't think I've even seen your story posted yet. Oh right, that cause it's not even written yet!

BetaEmily: drat, foiled again!

Dumbledore Puppet: grumblebettergetsomelinesgrumble

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