Jealous

Part 1/2 – Addison

This isn't right. I shouldn't feel this way.

Well, I should, but I'm feeling it wrong. When I look down at the black panties I found in my husband's pocket I should feel anger. Which I do, he could have at least had the decency to let her keep them rather than stuff them into his tux.

I should also feel jealousy.

And I obviously do but again I'm feeling it wrong. I am so jealous of Derek. Of him. Not for him. That's my main problem. I'm not jealous of Meredith Grey who no doubt owns these panties. I'm not jealous that my husband loves her and that she was the one he screwed at prom. No, I'm jealous of Derek.

Which is crazy.

I should not be jealous that he held her. That he touched her and kissed her and made love to her.

Well yes, ok, I should. But I should be wishing I was her in that situation, that I was the one he held and touched and kissed and loved but no… No, I have to be out of my mind because here I am wishing I was him. That I was the one to have held, touched, kissed, and made love to her.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

I know I don't hate her. How can I? Until prom she was completely innocent. And sweet. With big doe eyes that still show how fragile she is. She's the anti Addison, but I know we have so much in common.

Of course the main one is Derek.

Damn it! I shouldn't feel like this. Not for her.

So in a pointless attempt to get her out of my head I wash the panties. And I take them to work. And I pin them to the bulletin board. And I drink.

Joe is good company. Doctor Stevens comes in with a basket of muffins. Her fiancé died. I think absently as I notice that if she wasn't so miserable she would look like Little Red Riding Hood.

Ok, so I'm drunk. I laugh as Stevens asks me not to call her 'doctor' and I tell her not to call me 'Shepherd'. Stupidly I'm imagining what it would be like to be married to Meredith. To be Doctor Addison Grey. It sounds nice. Not as formal. A change.

I shake myself from the thought. I'm not going to marry Grey. Actually, I would not be surprised if she becomes Meredith Shepherd one day. Not that she's the marrying type.

Oh… My cab's here. I forgot I told Joe to… I go to my cab and without really thinking I give the vague directions to Meredith's house. Stevens answers the door and she's confused to see me, yet she welcomes my drunken company.

Meredith comes home and she's walking into the kitchen looking terrified to see me. And so she should, if I was at all sane I would want to rip her limbs off rather than her panties. Bad thoughts!

Actually excellent thoughts. Sexy thoughts. But not thoughts for now. Not thoughts to have about Meredith Grey because I'm standing right in front of her.

I doubt she'd take it too kindly if I try to jump her.

Finally she manages to speak, "Doctor Shepherd." It comes out as a squeak,

I laugh loudly and inappropriately, scaring her, she drops her purse to the floor. I tell her not to call me that then notice that her panties have fallen half out of her purse on the floor.

"You found them." I state, she blushes as red as the hair on my head and I laugh again.

Suddenly I realise I'm still wearing that stupid ridiculous hat I can't remember putting on. I blush and rip it off my head violently and throw it to the floor. Meredith jumps.

"I'm not going to hit you." I say to her, "I'm not here to fight or yell or beg. You've got him. You've won."

I should feel embarrassed by this, because my words are so true and so pathetic of myself. My husband had adulterous sex on prom night. The only thing more cliché then that would be if someone left a baby in the toilets.

Meredith nods but I can see she's still scared as hell, and now also confused.

"You should probably have some water or something Dr She-"she cuts herself off,

"You," I proclaim, a bit louder then necessary, "May call me Addison. And I," I pause, "am going to call you Mrs. Shepherd."

"Please don't" she squeaks,

I laugh and stumble through her kitchen towards her, "Ok then… Meredith."

I grab her wrist and pull her as I stumble into her living room. She follows me reluctantly and we fall onto her couch. We sit in silence and I watch as Meredith seems to be working up the courage to speak to me.

She lets out a long sigh then takes a deep breath, "Why are you here?"

I laugh at the simple question, "Because I'm jealous."

"He's your husband, why are you jealous of me?"

"It's not you I'm jealous of!" I snap, she gives me a confused glance and my hand lowers, stopping on her knee, "It's him," I sigh, "I'm jealous of him."

"Why?" she whispers,

"Because…" even in my drunken state I faulter, so I let out a groan of frustration and I decide to face matter head on. And I lean forward, and I kiss her.

She jolts with surprise but almost immediately she falls into the kiss. Her small arms wrap around me and we cling to each other.

"This is wrong," she mumbles, "This is so wrong on so many different levels." I continue to kiss her, it feels so right to me, "No Addison. We can't." She pushes me away,

"Why can't we?" I ask, "You already fucked Derek."

She winces and I feel momentarily guilty, but it passes quickly.

"Exactly!" Meredith groans, "You're drunk and I'm Derek's dirty, slutty, mistress. And you're probably using me to get back at him. And to get at me too."

"You're not slutty." I frown, "And I'd never use you like that Meredith, never. If I wanted to get back at Derek I'd sleep with Mark again. I wouldn't touch you unless I actually wanted to… Unless I actually felt something."

"And do you?"

"Do I what?"

"Do you want to? Do you feel something for me?"

I raise my hand and caress her cheek softly, "Yes."

I lean in to kiss her again, but she turns away from me, "You're still drunk."

"So get drunk with me." I grin, Meredith just eyes me carefully, but she stands and leaves the room, returning with a bottle of tequila. Within half an hour the bottle is empty and we are both drunk.

My mind is fuzzy but I don't concentrate on that. I can only concentrate on the feeling of Meredith's mouth and hands exploring my naked body. I'm not quite sure how we got here, in Meredith's room on her bed, but I am extremely grateful for the privacy, we do not need an audience, much less form Stevens and O'Malley.

I wake in the excruciating early hours of the morning with only two hours of sleep behind me. I groan and snuggle into the bed, and consequently Meredith. She blushes and pulls away.

"Last night was-"

"Amazing," I grin tiredly, "Perfect." I know she thinks it was a mistake; I don't need to hear her say it.

She nods awkwardly and flees from her own bedroom and I realise this feeling I have is far deeper than I thought. This feeling I have for Meredith Grey, this completely insane feeling, is so much more than lust.

Review! Part 2 will be up soon.