Disclaimer: I own nothing but the following premises that the Naruto characters find themselves in. And to be honest, I'm not even sure I own that.
If you find a drabble in this slew of stupidity that you want to expand on, then by all means have at it. Seeing how other people change and pervert my ideas is a lot more fun, and admittedly less stressful, than perverting said ideas myself.
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When He Stopped Smiling...
They killed his heart when they killed the woman he loved. They killed his morals when they killed his sensei/brother (could be Iruka or Kakashi, I'm leaning towards Iruka). Just as she was helping him to rebuild his shattered life, they killed his reason for living. Now, with no feelings, no morals, and nothing left to care for, Naruto wages a one man war against the Akatsuki. A beast has been awakened, one that even the Kyuubi is wary of.
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Silly Drabble 1
Beware, Naruto is OOC in this. there will also be a bit of Sasuke bashing, but like a wise (wo)man once said, when it's crack, anything goes.
"I thought I was your best friend." The man questioned.
"You were my best friend, now I trust you about as far as I can throw you." Naruto said, plainly. "And since you'd likely throw a hissy fit if I tried, I doubt that would be very far."
"How could you not trust your best friend?" Sasuke asked, slightly at odds. Naruto gave him a frustrated look at the Uchiha's insistence that he was still his best friend.
"You got a hickey from a known pedophile." Naruto said. "Granted it was forced on you, but that doesn't matter anymore. The fact that you liked it enough to run away to said pedo to get more hickeys, makes you insanely disturbed, and I don't trust those kinds of people on principle."
"That's not what happened!" Sasuke screamed, shocked and appalled by the blonde's words.
"I know, but that's the story I'm sticking to." Naruto answered. "It gives me plausible deniablility when Sakura asks me when I'll bring you back home. And speaking of which." The Uchiha barely had time to react as the sound of a dart firing reached his ears. Turning, sword drawn, he made to deflect the incoming mini missle. Unfortunately, the dart, suddenly and far too close to adjust, exploded into half a dozen much smaller darts, all of which impacted his bare chest. The Uchiha gave a groan, before collapsing to the ground. Naruto took a look at his former friend, before shaking his head.
"I wasn't going to say anything, but that outfit really makes you look even more like the kind of perv who likes Orochimaru hickeys." That was the last thing Sasuke heard before darkness overcame him.
Four days later, after several more darts to nonsexual parts of his anatomy, Sasuke Uchiha was found outside Anbu headquarters. A note was pinned to his...ahem...outfit that would make the Uchiha name one of infamy. It read...
I don't care what you do to him, so long as you keep that Orochimaru hickey loving sicko away from me.
Signed,
Naruto Uzumaki
It would be less than a week later that the Rumor Mongering Division of Anbu had nearly the entire village thinking that Sasuke was a depraved pervert who craved hickeys from pedophiles like Orochimaru. The fallout between Naruto and the remaining two original members of Team 7, who refused to believe that Sasuke ran away to get hickeys from Orochimaru was legendary. But considering that Naruto started banging Hinata Hyuuga, who had a body like a goddess and a beautiful personality to match, soon after, the blond wasn't all that affected. When Hanabi turned 16, she kidnapped her sister and her new husband, tied them both up, and made Hinata watch as she got her cherry brutalized by Naruto's bohemoth beefstick. Hinata in turn escaped easily (once Hanabi had cum hard enough to almost pass out), tied up her little sister, happily slurped her husband's baby batter from the younger Hyuuga, then untied her, and proceeded to tagteam her husband with her little sister. Naruto's already great life got even better that night.
Three weeks later, when Neji finally came out of the closet and revealed that he was hot for Lee, Tenten was devastated. That is, until she was abducted by a pair of perverted Hyuuga heiresses, molested for three days straight, then introduced to their shared Zanbato. When Tenten happily and eagerly decided that she wanted to be repeatedly speared by said Zanbato, Naruto's life got even better.
By the time he became Hokage, Naruto had married and had children with both Hyuuga heiresses, and Konoha's premier weapons expert. He'd also knocked up the Hokage's assistant...twice- a year into his reign when she found herself knockedup for a third time, she finally caved, and married him as well. As for the Godaime herself, the circumstances of her retirement were deemed SSSSS-class. After all, having a young man that you viewed as a son/brother bend you over, and use you to help test the sturdiness of, an 80+ year old desk that your grandfather created wasn't something Tsunade wanted getting out. Nor did she want anyone knowing that after he was done, he'd created half a dozen Kage Bunshin, and gangbanged her into retirement.
Luckily for Kakashi, he overcame his stupidity about Sasuke and hickeys. Afterall, in a twisted sort of way, Naruto had been right; especially if what he knew about the application of the Curse Seal was correct. The fact was further driven home when he finally saw what his former student had deemed to be clothing. While Sakura twitched on the ground from a massive nosebleed, ironically enough imagining herself, Sai, and Sasuke in both hetero and yaio situations, Kakashi decided that it was time to apologize to Naruto.
The situation was further compounded when Sai, Mr. Penis himself, mentioned that Sasuke looked gay, and asked to be transferred for fear of the Uchiha having developed Orochimaru's fetish for giving young boys hickeys. That had been the last straw. Sasuke disappeared again for three months, and when he returned, he had Orochimaru's head, and clothing similar to the ones he'd left in. When asked about his actions, he would only comment.
"I was wrong. Dobe was right. Orochimaru is dead."
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Silly Drabble 2
Years down the line (really only 1-2), Akatsuki is no more (no Madara, and the group disbanded after Naruto killed Pein), and Naruto is still trying to bring Sasuke back (because he isn't the complete douche he's become in canon). Finally fed up with both Naruto's attempts, and the perverted leech he'd acquired, he tries to think of a way to get rid of them both.
Checking his calender, Sasuke noted that it was about time for Naruto's next attempt to bring him back. Looking over at Karin, he decided to pose a question that he was already partially sure he knew the answer to, especially given the standard answer for the gender.
"Karin, do you like men with large penises and chakras?" He asked, feeling disburingly like he was imitating someone he shouldn't be. He smirked when he saw the trickle of blood slip from her nose.
"H-hai." She answered, thinking that she knew what he was really asking her. 'That's why he kept turning me away, he's embarrassed because he thinks he's too big.' Karin gushed. 'Sasuke-kun is so amazing.'
"Good." Sasuke said, knowing exactly what she was probably thinking. While he wasn't small by any means, nor was he overly big by the same, he was content with his size. Naruto, however, was very big, and had always made him feel inadequate when they had to use outdoor means of bathing back on Team 7. Now the Dobe would pay the consequences for those feelings of inadequacy. Yes, he would pay with interest.
The next day, Sasuke and Karin stood on the outskirts of a small village, awaiting the arrival of a certain blond. It was something of a routine the pair had gotten into, and so they'd gone to meet the dobe when Karin had told him she could feel Naruto coming. The Uchiha knew he'd only have one chance at this, so prepared to attack. Karin was somewhat shocked that Sasuke would attack the blond after he'd just turned the man away all those other times. As soon as Naruto came to a stop, Sasuke leapt into action, one that no one expected. A swift Shunshin, and he was behind Naruto. He reached up, grabbed Naruto's pants and boxers, snatched them both down to his knees, and was running off in the distance the next moment. Time stood still as the other two occupants of the area came to grips with what had just happened. Naruto had a look of confusion on his face, until he saw the gobsmacked look on the redheads face. A look of deepest betrayal crossed Naruto's features before he sensed sudden movement.
Naruto stared down at the woman who was currently stroking, caressing, petting, nuzzling, snuggling, and cooing at his genitals...up to the 'shrinking over the horizon' figure of Sasuke...down to the woman...and back up to his former best friend. With a yell that could be heard for nearly a mile, and that was completely ignored by the woman with her face currently shoved in his crotch, Naruto let out his frustrations.
"SASUKE, YOU BASTARD!!!" Why might one ask was Naruto feeling so wronged, especially with a woman's face shoved in his crotch? Well, after it had been mostly abandoned, Tsunade had ordered a series of raids on the former Oto bases. Inside, they'd found profiles on many of the ninja in his employ, most notably the members of Team Hebi. The girl that had just been left in his 'care' was a true head case, and neither Orochimaru, Kabuto, Shizune, or Tsunade had been able to tell if she had Schizophrenia, MPD, a combo of both, or a new undocumented kind of crazy. She also had the tendency to latch onto people who had or embodied something she liked or found pleasing, and devotedly follow them to hell and back. She also, though Tsuande had neglected to tell Naruto this part believing he'd not have to worry about this given her infatuation with the Uchiha, had a tendency towards molestation if she found the person she'd latched to sexually attractive; something Sasuke was, thankfully he'd say, only passingly familiar with. Now, while large penises and large chakras both ranked behind dark, broody, Bishies, combined...that was another story. Being a sensor, she'd known the Naruto boy had large chakra levels, and always found it tantalizing, but with a Bishie like Sasuke around, there wasn't any comparison. Now that she knew what he'd been hiding in his pants, there was nothing you could do to separate her. After all, a man with a large penis and crazy stamina had a much more practical use than a cute, emo, Bishounen boy. Karin Igawa had a new snuggly, and his name was Naruto Uzumaki.
Months later...
Unfortunately for Sasuke, in his haste to rid himself of she who was called 'the leech', he completely forgot about her special ability. It wasn't until Naruto showed up three times in the normal span it took him to find him once, each time with 'her' in tow, did he remember that Karin was a chakra sensor. It was also at this point that he realized that he was going to be seeing a lot more of Naruto now;and boy was he right. Since it was so easy to find Sasuke now, Naruto stopped bothering to bring him back, and just came to visit once a month whereever he was. It was when the Hyuuga girl started tagging along, and along with Karin, began making sexually rude gestures behind Naruto's back and nodding at the clueless sage, while the blond talked him into a stupor, that he really thought about what his future held. If he went back to Konoha, he'd be imprisoned or executed for defecting that was for sure. If he stayed away, he had to look forward to Naruto's, now monthly, visits; and Sasuke had no qualms about comparing Naruto to PMS, both being unwanted visitors. In the end, Sasuke realized that a cell in a Konoha prison was likely the only chance he'd have at getting away from Naruto. Finally making his decision, Sasuke stood.
"Fine, I'll go back, but you have to promise to stay away from me." Sasuke said, before glaring at the two kunoichi still making perverted gestures. "And keep those two perverts away from me too." Naruto turned to see Hinata and Karin giving him innocent looks. When the quartet made it back to Konoha, Sasuke became the first person to ever break into the prison and lock himself away. Laying on his cot in the prison, Sasuke smiled his first true smile in a long time. He was away from Naruto, had made him promise to stay away, and finally had the peace and quiet he desired. At least he did until Sakura and Ino found out, and began making near weekly visits to talk his ears off about how things had been since he'd been gone, how much they still loved him, and how great things were going to be once he got out and showed Ino-pig/Forehead how much they were in love. It was at this point that he realized a PMS Naruto was far better to deal with than Sakura and Ino any day. Barely three months into his sentence, Sasuke had had enough. With the chakra seals on him, escape wasn't even a possibility, so he took the only other way out he could. A morning patrol found Sasuke dangling from the ceiling by his bedspread, a rail from the bedframe lodged into the concrete holding it in place. The surprising thing was the massive grin on his face, one that was usually only found on Naruto.
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Sharingan assassin
OC with a bloodline that completely sterilizes the Sharingan. Sterilizes as in Sharingan will activate, but it's as useless as having an Inuzuka nose in a fart factory. Any Sharingan specific jutsu are rendered useless (i.e. Mangekyo and Tobi's Swirling Dimension of Doom), any jutsu acquired with the Sharingan are rendered enept, and the basic functions of the bloodline are shot to hell.
Stalking towards the ancestral Uchiha, OC drawls.
"Word going around is that you're really Madara Uchiha."
"Me, Madara Uchiha, nonsense." The Uchiha scoffed. "Who would say such hurtful things? I'm just Tobi."
"Are you sure, because I'm getting Uchiha vibes from you, and I hate getting Uchiha vibes from people. They're creepy, and make me feel violated." Realizing the futility of the situation, Madara broke down and cowered.
"Don't hurt me, please." He screamed. "I'm not him. I'm not him."
"Oh, I think you are." OC replied silkily.
"No, I'm not Madara Uchiha, I'm not Kunta Kinte...My name is TOBI!!!"
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Silly Drabble 3
Poses the question of if there was actually reason to doubt Sasuke left of his own free will.
If his brother was in trouble, then he was coming for him, and he would kill anything that got in his way. Grabbing Kabuto by the front of his shirt, he growled into his face.
"Listen, and listen well, you turncoat." Naruto spat. "If Sasuke is running with Orochimaru of his own free will, then I'll kill him myself the next time I see him. However, if I get even the tiniest inkling that Sasuke doesn't want to be there, and is being held against his will...there is nothing on this planet, not even the Kyuubi itself would be able to stop be from shoving a Rasenshuriken up Orochimaru's ass." Kabuto only snickered pervertedly.
"I wouldn't if I were you," The man said. "Orochimaru-sama might actually like that."
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Ino and Hinata Oneshot/Story
You can do something with this if you want, but I might do something with this later too, just a forewarning.
After getting his heart crushed by Sakura shortly after becoming teammates, Naruto gives up completely Then again, having someone tell you point blank, "Get it through your empty head, Naruto. Nothing you ever say or do is going to make me like you at all, so stop asking me." it's kinda hard not to see why.
Ino, having been rejected rather brutally herself by Sasuke, "Listen well you waste of civilian level chakra, I have no use for weak whores who throw themselves at me. Uchiha are the best, and deserve nothing but the best, therefore I shall use only the best to rvive my clan.", and being laughed at by Sakura (who was in the same boat as Ino, and was soon after just as brutally rejected, though her emotionally masochitic second personality wouldn't accept it) was also looking for payback.
Deciding to get back at both Sasuke, for rejecting her, and Sakura for laughing, and due to their rivalry, decides to make Naruto (who was the deadlast, and most likely to affect the Uchiha) worthy of a girls attention, as well as a top notch shinobi. She also begins to take her own training seriously to prove the teme (a word she picked up from Naruto a couple days later) wrong. At the Chuunin exams, Naruto unveils his new awesomeness.
Ino/Nar/Hin post timeskip: "Listen Hinata, if you promise to help me get Naruto, then I'll share him with you after we've been together for a little while; first you'll have to get to a point that you don't faint around him though."
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When they take Naruto shopping for better shinobi clothes, and Ino reveals a bit of her perverse curiosity...
Ino held up the pair of small briefs for Hinata to see.
"We should get him to try these on." She said, her face alight. Hinata's face pinkened as she looked away. "Come on, aren't you at least a little curious." Her face became like a beacon as the young Hyuuga burned a bright red, looked down at her dainty toes, and poked her fingers together. Slowly, she shook her head, causing Ino's eyes to widen.
"You've seen it?" Ino asked, then thought about the question. Of course, the Byakugan. "Well."
"B-b-big." Hinata stuttered out.
"Oh, he's definitely trying this on." Ino said, throwing them into the pile.
Few days before Chuunin Exams...
Ino growled when she found Naruto and Hinata at his team's training ground sitting beneath a large tree, eating ramen together. Ino frowned. As soon as they had noticed her, Hinata whispered something into Naruto's ear, got up, and left. It hadn't escaped her that Naruto was spending more time with Hinata than he was with her; and after she had agreed to share too. Deciding to find out what that back-stabbing bitch had been up to, Ino marched over.
"What the hell, Naruto?!" She exclaimed, stopping right in front of Naruto. "You're supposed to be my boyfriend, why are you always with her?" Naruto, surprisingly didn't flinch at her chastisation, but returned her angry look.
"Ino, do you really like me, or are you just trying to get back at Sasuke and Sakura?" Ino blinked, and then blinked again. "Look, the fact that you're trying so hard to piss them off, means that you're not over Sasuke or your rivalry with Sakura. Until you do that, it's not going to work." Again, Ino looked at Naruto shocked. When had he ever been this smart, and observant. Naruto rolled his eyes. "I may not be all that book smart, but I'm no dummy. I've had to grow up and learn the way of the world early." Finished with his toppings and noodles, Naruto sat his chopsticks down, and tipped his bowl to sip at the broth. Ino could only stare at him, and stew in her own stupidity. Naruto was right. The whole point of this had been to make Sasuke jealous. While annoying Sakura was just a bonus, the Uchiha had been the main target. She hadn't been over Sasuke, but at the same time, she had actually started to develop feelings for Naruto. Maybe it was time to take Naruto's advice, and finally let Sasuke go. Maybe she should try and explore these feelings for Naruto a little more. Glancing over, she saw that he'd finished the broth from his ramen, some had spilled down his chin, and that he was about to wipe his mouth. Her hand darted out quickly, and stopped him. He looked at her quizzically, but got a mischievously sultry look from his fellow blonde. She sat down on his lap, leaned into his personal space, and winked at him. The next thing Naruto knew, a warm moist something was caressing his chin, and up his cheek, following the trail of broth on his face.
When her tongue reached his lips, Ino captured them with hers in a soft kiss. Leaning back she saw his eyes were widened in shock.
"Well, you said I should take us more seriously, right." She leaned in for another kiss, and begged entrance with her tongue. The innocent kiss soon became more passionate, as Ino found herself drawn further and further into the kiss. Then as memories began to assault her of the blond whose lap she had perched herself in- namely the ones involving that pair of underpants she and Hinata had made him try on- she couldn't help the small spike of lust that ran through her. Now while she wasn't ready for the really naughty stuff, she was more than eager for a little manual exploration. Pulling his shirt free from his pants, she slid her fingers underneath, and began stroking his chest. His skin was smooth, and she could feel the developing muscles of his chest and abs as her hands moved.
Naruto's hands hadn't been idle either. They'd gone to her slim waist, then slid down some to where they'd stroked her wrapping covered hips. Naruto let out a small groan when he felt Ino grinding into him, and his hands, of their own volition, slipped under her battle skirt, and began cupping- sometimes gently squeezing- her plump rear end.
By the time they broke the kiss, there were two pairs of slightly glazed eyes sitting under that tree. Ino licked her lips, relishing in the taste of her boyfriend's lips, the beef ramen he'd just consumed very prominent. Ino kissed Naruto again, chastely this time, and gently tugged on his bottom lip with her teeth. Both teens blushed at their position, but neither made any attempt to move. They found a comfort with each other that they rather liked. As Ino lay her head on Naruto's shoulder, and just basked in the afterglow of that amazing kiss, she smiled. 'This is defintely something worth exploring more of.' Ino thought closing her eyes.
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"Ino what the hell are you doing?" Sakura screeched. The blonde barely looked up from where she was now contentedly nuzzling Naruto's neck.
"I'm snuggling with my new boyfriend, Forehead." She replied. "Now leave us alone. I have today off, and I know your sensei isn't going to be here for at least another hour or two. You're ruining the peaceful vibe here."
"You're dating Naruto?" Sakura asked in disbelief. "Cha, who the hell gives up Sasuke-kun for Naruto?!"
"Yes, is there a problem with that?" She asked.
"But, he's the deadlast." Sakura said, causing Naruto to bristle underneath Ino. She rubbed his whiskered cheeks to try and calm him down, and was surprised at the purring sound he emitted.
"He may not be book smart, but that doesn't make him stupid, either." Ino answered smoothly. "Who knew that Naruto-kun had such hidden depths?" She asked her former rival. Naruto sensing that he was being teased, gave Ino another swat on the rear end. Ino bit her lip and whimpered, before replying. "And if he keeps doing that, I'll be calling him Naruto-sama before too long." Sakura's eyes widened further, before she gave a frustrated shriek, and stalked over to the bridge they normally waited at. Ino laid her head back down, and closed her eyes again. It was this reason that she didn't notice the look of blazing hatred that Sasuke threw at both her and Naruto. Naruto did notice it, and gave the Uchiha a questioning glance. Both knew what that look meant. Naruto wanted to know what he was so pissed about. Didn't Sasuke hate his fangirls? Unless he was mistaken, he'd technically ridded the bastard of one of them.
The first thing to understand, is that Sasuke didn't like Ino. That was a fact, pure and simple. What had Sasuke so riled up was the offense that Naruto had committed by taking one of his fangirls. Regardless of the fact that he held no romantic interest in any of them, nor the fact that he could care less what happened to any of them, it was the principle of the situation. Naruto- the orphan, deadlast, loser Naruto- had stolen something that rightfully belonged to him, Sasuke Uchiha, clan heir, Rookie of the Year. He was an Uchiha, the elite of shinobi clans, and this nobody had the nerve to take one of his fangirls. Sasuke didn't care that it was Ino Yamanaka (though having a clan heir as a fangirl was a nice boost to the ego), he wouldn't have really cared which of the banshees the dobe had taken. The fact was, his pride wouldn't let the offense stand. He was going to embarrass that loser, and that useless bimbo would be back where she belonged...pointlessly fawning over him.
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Ino, coming back from a mission shortly after making Chuunin, bumps into Naruto and Jiraiya who are passing through Fire Country on the way to Wave Country. Ino and Naruto spend the night together, and enjoy a bang-bang-skeet-skeet-a-thon.
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Naruto comes back from his journey, and goes to see Ino. When he arrives at her home, he goes up to the loft above the Yamanaka Flower shop, and finds Ino making out with Hinata.
"What the hell?!" He yells. Ino and Hinata jump, separate, and blush heavily. Ino then gets a bashful look.
"Damn, I wanted this to be a surprise." She said. When Naruto only continued to stare, she added. "You remember all the fun we had with just the two of us. Imagine the fun we can have with three of us." She then cupped Hinata's prominent bosom. "Especially with these."
"Have I told you I love you, lately?" Naruto asked, jumping into the fray.
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Motherly Ambitions
After seeing the way that Naruto is treated by Sakura, and women in general, Tsunade decides to help the boy whose become like a son to her; by creating her boy a harem. Anko, Shizune, Hinata, Hana/Tsume, Ayame
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"Stop it Sakura." Tsunade said. "Stop stringing Naruto along."
"What are you talking about?" She said. "I'm not..."
"Yes, you are, and I'm telling you to stop." Tsunade retorted. "Naruto has been nothing but kind to you, and deserves to have the courtesy returned. Either you give up Uchiha, and give Naruto your all, or you take your chances with Uchiha, and stop holding onto Naruto. Bear in mind, that if you choose Uchiha, Naruto will never, ever be with you. I will make sure of that."
"What are you talking about, Shishou?" Sakura growled. "I'm not holding onto Naruto."
"Yes, you are, even if you don't realize you're doing it." The Hokage said. "You're showing him just enough affection to keep his hopes up about a relationship with you. That way, if things fall through on the Uchiha front, you still have your back up. Well let me tell you, Naruto will not be strung along like some second place prize. Being a Chuunin means making a choice and facing the consequences, whatever they may be, for good or ill. Make a choice, Sakura. If not, I'll make it for you, and you know what that will be."
"My choice is Sasuke-kun, it always has been, and will be." Sakura said firmly.
"You really are a stupid little girl, aren't you." Tsunade muttered to herself.
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"Listen, Naruto, nothing you say or do will convince me to become interested in you romantically." Sakura said firmly. "You're my friend, but my love is for Sasuke-kun, and Sasuke-kun alone.
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"I've got a proposition for you, young Mitarashi." Tsunade said, boring into the woman's eyes. She knew that meant that this conversation went no further than this office. "It's actually a win-win situation."
"I'm listening." She said. Though if she were honest, it's not like she could really say no, was it. Both the old man and Tsunade had done much for her standing in the village as it pertained to her former sensei.
"I know you said you'd never really entertained the idea of marriage, because you'd hate to be chained down to one guy..." Tsunade said, causing Anko to pale. The girl obviously thought she was either entering a political marriage, or going deep cover; not on Tsunade's watch, fuck what the council wanted. "But how would you like to be married to the biggest dick in Konoha?" Anko raised a delicate eyebrow.
"Depends on who it's attached to, and just how big it is." Tsunade's answer was to slide a picture across the desk. Anko's eyes widened, both at the size of the tool, and who it was connected to. She then looked up at the Hokage in askance.
"I told him it was for medical purposes, and he trusts me." The Hokage replied. Anko nodded, and went back to the picture. She gave the Hokage her due. This was a prime recruiting tool, and she'd gotten his permission to take the picture.
"Okay, so I have one more question." Anko said. "Does he know how to use that thing? Having a big dick don't mean shit if all it's gonna do is leave you sore and full of bruises...and not the good kinds either."
"You mean, you wouldn't mind?"
"The main reason I didn't want to get married, was because I never thought I'd be able to." Anko revealed. "I admit that the reasons I gave were part of it, but I've never been considered as more than a good lay by most of the guys in the village, and the ones that don't see me that way are already taken." Tsunade winced. She'd heard about Iruka and Yuugao getting engaged. How the Chuunin had been able to keep his relationship out of the Konoha rumor mill, and out of the Anbu RM Division (Rumor Monguring), whose job it was to prove or disprove the numerous rumors circulating the Elemental Nations- as well as dig up juicy gossip. They were the only division of the elite force that had a direct patch through to Jiraiya and his spy network. Sadly enough, they were also the ones responsible for most of the gossip and rumors spread throughout the village. "He's probably the single decent guy left, even if he's a bit younger than I usually like my men." Anko gave a mischievous smirk. "And I'll admit that I've always been curious if that demon in his belly had any influence on his bedroom performance."
"Naruto's made a name for himself with his unpredictability." Tsunade smirked. "Don't underestimate him, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised." Anko stood.
"Looking forward to it." She replied, stretching. "So, is that all, or do you have a mission for me?"
"Bandits on the road from Tanzaku to Otafuku." She said, tossing the woman a scroll. "By the way, there will be others." Anko paused.
"What do you mean others?" Anko asked.
"I'm creating Naruto a harem." She said. When Anko looked to protest, she waved it off. "Mah, he knows the Kage Bunshin, remember." Anko's eyes lit up.
"You know, you should have just said that from the start." She replied. "You'd be surprised how many kunoichi admit to a Kage Bunshin gangbang fantasy; and even moreso at those that won't admit it." A thought then occurred to her. "Tsunade-sama, does he know you're doing this?" The woman smirked.
"Not a clue." Anko grinned. Teasing him mercilessly until Tsunade revealed her plans to him was going to become her new favorite passtime. Hopefully by then he'll be so frustrated that he'll plow her into a mattreess, or a wall, or a table, or damn near any solid surface. Hell, given his stamina, he'd probably plow them all into oblivion. Oh yes, Anko was beginning to like the idea of being married.
People begin noticing that Anko, Shizune, Hinata, Hana, Tsume, and Tsunade are rather relaxed, sometimes giddy, and have large, unmistakable grins on their faces. When questioned about it, Anko, Hana, Tsume, and Tsunade have no qualms about bragging about how Naruto's been plowing them into the matress on a regular basis. When they start revealing his personal bedroom jutsu, other women become jealous (namely Sakura).
Sexual Massage, and Penis and Tongue Kage Bunshin, as well as Kage Bunshin (GBnJ).
The ultimate backrub-
Lay the girl on her stomach, and put your crotch against theirs, but don't rub or grind against them (not for guys with little self-control). Then give her a back rub with chakra covered fingers. Ironically enough, Naruto had learned the trick from his perverted sensei, Jiraiya. Not as a lesson meant to corrupt the boy, but in different bursts of advice that he'd pieced together for the ultimate massage technique. Combining the three lessons: the first, that a good massage can relax the muscles, and it was okay for even guys to partake; the second, that rubbing a sore area with chakra coated fingers can ease tension, and soreness; and the third, that a full body massage doesn't give you permission to grope certain parts. Although to be honest, that last lesson was rather unintentional on Ero-Sennin's part.
Intimate version-
Lay the girl on her stomach, and put half the penis in (only for lovers), but don't thrust (not for guys with little self-control). Then give her a back rub with chakra covered fingers. The only thrusts that will occur, are gentle intrusions when reaching up to rub her shoulders, or her own motions.
Pleasure Palm no jutsu- basically turns the hands into low powered Rasenshurikens. Not only does it cause the hands to vibrate, but the wind chakra actually stimulates the pleasure sensors in the nerves and nerve endings.
Kouzetsu Kage Bunshin- what was once one tongue licking her to mush, suddenly became two.
Penis Kage Bunshin- allows for a one man DP
Ninpou: Omega Splooge no Jutsu- user busts omega nut, with 10 times the power and volume of normal one. handseals horse (uma), ram (hitsuji), dragon (tatsu)
---- eyes widened when she felt a small surge of chakra, and then the cock inside her increase in size by at least half. She could also feel the balls slapping her taint were much heavier than before. Reaching down to cup them, she found that they'd nearly tripled in size. It wasn't until Naruto spoke, that she realized just what was about to happen.
"Ninpou...Omega...Splooge...no Jutsuaaaaahhhhh!!!!" Naruto cried, before exploding with a furiosity never before seen by man.
If any one was wondering, that last one is the jutsu that resulted in Shizune being knocked up three times in that earilier drabble.
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The real reason Naruto ignores Hinata...
"Why, why do you ignore her?" Hanabi growled. Her sister loved this fool, and yet, he ignored her repeatedly. Today, she was going to find out why. "Why do you chase after that pink haired bitch who rejects you at every turn, when you can have my sister who would likely not hesitate to share your bed?"
"Because that's what your father recommended." Of all the possible answers, that was defintely one she hadn't expected.
"My father?" Hanabi asked.
"Hinata and I have been seeing each other secretly since before I left on my training trip; with your father's blessing even. The fact is, the Hyuuga Elders are such stuck up snobs, they'd have made too huge a bitch about it for us to be happy together. The Hyuuga Elders fear me, and the effect I seem to have on people. They're worried that if Hinata and I get into a serious relationship, I'll encourage Hinata to grow a backbone, and she won't be the perfect pliable clan head that they want her to be; that your father admitted he'd been becoming. Your father suggested that regardless of my relationship with Hinata, that I still seemingly chase after Sakura. So long as I don't seem to return Hinata's feelings, I don't register as a threat, and they won't bother us. My father and yours arranged a marriage between us, and it is one that we both want. The problem is, until I can prove my lineage, and overrule your Council, we can't be. Hanabi, I love your sister, but until I am strong enough to protect myself from my father's enemies, I can't claim his name. Until I can do that, Hinata and I cannot let the proof be revealed."
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One way to end a stupid rivalry
Two rival kunoichi (likely Sakura and Ino) make a bet. The loser has to do something off the wall, and another kunoichi suggests spending the night with Naruto during that special time of the month.
"Oh come on, everyone knows you both want to do it with him." Tenten said. "And you're probably the only girls within a decade of our age group who hasn't."
"Yeah, but I don't want to do it during that time." Sakura said. After all, there wasn't any point to denying that she liked Naruto. Damn near every woman in the village wanted a piece of him ever since he absorbed the Kyuubi, and went through those...Sakura shuddered, and rubbed her thighs together...changes. It was just too bad that his heart belonged to Hinata. Oddly enough, she'd told him that they couldn't settle down until he got certain demonic urges out of his system- which Tsunade calculated could take anywhere from 2-3 years. That was just over two years ago, and many a Konoha woman had taken advantage of Naruto's inability to abstain from reacting if seduced. Tsunade had once been worried this would make him susceptible to assassination attempts (cause really, who could take him head on anymore), but when they'd had half a dozen foreign kunoichi defect after trying to seduce him, she stopped worrying. There was only one time each month where every female in the village either avoided him, or made sure all interaction with him was strictly platonic; the full moon. Only one woman had come after Naruto during a full moon, and it was how they'd learned of the frightening consequences. A master courtesan from Iwa had come for Naruto's head, and gotten utterly decimated. They found her the morning after, her pelvic region covered in a thick, foamy, white paste. She was also unconscious, unresponsive, and laying in a puddle nearly half a meter in all directions that had partially glued her to the floor. Once they'd gotten that layer of muck from her, they found that both her lower openings were filled to the brim with the stuff that was pretending to be semen. A medical examination revealed her to be completely and permanently catatonic. When Ino's aunt had gone in to find out what happened, she refused to speak to anyone but Tsunade, and the findings had been deemed SSSS-rank classified. There was then a standing order not to seduce Naruto for the entire week of the full moon. As for the lady Yamanaka, well, she still couldn't look at Naruto without creaming her panties.
While Naruto had since gotten more stable during that time, it still wasn't safe to try and tackle Naruto without some serious back up. A fact that Anko, Kurenai, and Hana learned just four months prior; though how Anko talked the latter two into doing it was anyone's guess. What resulted was three kunoichi being fucked silly. The reports say that Anko was reduced to a giggly, lovey dovey teenager for almost a week after, Kurenai has odd reactions to certain condiments and fruits (and has also taken to applying for missions outside Konoha during the full moon), and Hana absolutely, and very vehemently, still refused to refer to her former blond lover as anything but Naruto-sama (her mother remarks that the violent shiver she experiences after saying the name was amusing at first, but is now starting to get creepy and annoying).
"Why, afraid because you know I'll win." Ino replied. Though in truth, she was a little more than frightened of what could happen should she lose.
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Arrested development
With Naruto having to face the coming threat of Akatsuki, Tsunade makes a bold decision. She releases one of Konoha's most dangerous and infamous felons to train the future hero. He was one of Jiraiya's students, along with the Fourth.
888
"It's either this, or attend one of Gai's Youthful Training Seminars." The recently released ninja paled.
"So, appointment Thursday, with Ibiki and Anko, and therapy on Fridays with Inoichi, got it." The ironic thing, was that these seminars were always packed, but they all wore henge, and no one would admit to attending them. Having sat in on one herself, it was required that she attend one to sign off on it, Tsunade had to admit, it was very enlightening...in both good ways and bad.
888
"Take me to lunch, and I'll let you ask your questions." A combined twenty bowls of ramen later, Naruto just couldn't believe that this man was evil.
"Just what the hell were you in prison for?" Naruto asked. "I've never known anyone who likes ramen that much to be evil."
"I killed three Genin squads." He said, causing Naruto to gain a horrified look. "Not like that you moron. My first squad couldn't survive my more advanced training methods. The Council told me that they'd give me another chance, but I couldn't use those methods anymore. My second squad I lost to combat on a simple C-rank bandit sweep. My methods may have been harsh, but they worked, and my second squad was proof of that. Anyway, I was given a third team, and I decided that to hell with the Council, I wasn't going to lose another team to fucking bandits. Again, my methods proved too harsh, so I was suspended. Once I got off of suspension, I started caring less and less for the rules. I got enough write ups from commanding officers, that I was eventually court marshalled."
"But why were you given a life sentence, that doesn't seem too bad."
"One of the guards' son was on my last team, and attacked me." The man said. "I don't take kindly to attacks, and he didn't survive. They added life to my original sentence for killing a guard."