Chapter 1: Conscience

"Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good."

A biting wind and mist slapped against my face as I made my way down North Canal Street, the Black Eyed Peas pulsing in my ears while keeping me on a steady pace. Barely past dawn, there were few other runners on the path and it was not yet light enough for anyone to notice my matted hair nor the purplish-gray circles underneath my eyes.

I had not slept well, or at all for that matter, the night before -- despite my best attempts at relieving the anxiety that invaded every inch of my mind and body. An hour of yoga, followed by a soak in a warm bubble bath surrounded by aroma therapy candles and sipping a glass of wine. No television in the background. Blackberry muted. Laptop shut tight for the night. When I slipped between the crisp, cotton sheets of my king sized bed I expected sleep to come effortlessly.

No such luck.

Living in the city did not help. Granted, there were perks to residing in the heart of Seattle; being within walking distance to the City Centre, Barnes & Noble, great boutiques and dozens of eateries. When I bought this place two years ago, fresh out of law school and about to join a top firm that would pay me more money in my first year than my father made in five, I was focused on the location. It was a tiny condo but in a sought after building, so I compromised size for status, not even considering the other possible downside — noise. Ambient sounds that didn't usually bother me . But on nights when I desperately need to sleep, I hear every car door slam, brake squeak and siren blaring within a five mile radius. Then come the late night garbage trucks, followed by the early morning deliveries. You get the drift.

By midnight I realized I was completely fucked. Climbing out of bed, both feet hit the cool bamboo floor at the same time. As I stood up, the chill ran through the entire length of my body. Looking down, I noticed the trace of my peaked nipples underneath my tank top. Sadly, the biggest turn on I'd had in a while.

Crossing the room in darkness, my hands fumbled along the top of the dresser before picking up my Blackberry. As the small screen lit up, I began to the scan text messages I had tried to ignore earlier in the evening.

The first from my dad, Charlie:

"Good luck tomorrow, Bells. XXOO, Dad."

I was impressed. Charlie was texting, or "twixting" as he called it.

The next from my mom, Renee:

"Bella, check out my Facebook page for some great pics of you as a kid. Love, Mom"

Oh, joy. Now my mother was sharing snapshots of my painfully awkward childhood with the entire cyberspace community.

The third and last message was from Jake:

"I believe in you, always."

Damn it, Jake! My closest friend, probably my soul mate if I wasn't too stubborn to admit it. The best guy I knew, period. He loved me unconditionally. And I loved him, just not the way he wanted me to. This was not what I needed to be worrying about right now, but I couldn't resist the temptation to reply.

I don't deserve it, but it means a lot. Thanks.

His reply was instantaneous.

So you're still awake? Feel like company?

Jake was nothing if not persistent. I knew it was not a good idea but I also knew I wasn't going to get to sleep anytime soon. Against my better judgment I told him to come over.

……………

Ten short steps from my bedroom and I was standing in front of the tall picture window that lined one whole side of the living room. While I waited for Jake, I marveled at the cityscape and lights glimmering in the midnight sky. It was amazing. The city itself was amazing. Just a few years ago I would never have imagined myself living in such a spectacular place.

I spent most of my youth moving from town to town with Renee, chasing whatever dream she was pursuing at the time. She looked at it as an adventure but I felt desperately lonely and unsettled. As soon as I made a friend or two in one place, we picked up and moved on. Finally I gave up on trying to fit in anywhere. Being a loner worked to my advantage academically, as I immersed myself in my school work to take my mind off the sleepovers, football games, dances and movie dates that I was missing.

By junior year of high school, Renee shipped me off to live with Charlie in the tiny town of Forks, Washington, so she could travel the minor league baseball circuit with her new husband. It didn't take Charlie long to realize he knew nothing about raising a teenager, especially a teenage daughter who didn't particularly like sports. He enlisted the help of his good friend Billy Black, whose son Jacob was about my age. Billy and Charlie swear no money exchanged hands, but Jacob began showing up after school to hang out, go to movies, games, La Push beach, whatever. His warmth was infectious, and before long life became bearable, even enjoyable. Ten years later I am still relying on him in the same way. To make me feel better when I'm down, nervous, scared, or just bored. And that is the problem.

Turning from the window, I look across the living room to the open kitchen on the opposite wall, with its cool stainless steel appliances and granite countertop. I thought about making Jake something to eat, realizing he'd probably just gotten off work, but was distracted by a knocking at the door.

"I can't believe they let you in without buzzing me. This is supposed to be a safe building," I said half-teasingly as Jake walked in.

"They see the uniform, they figure I'm safe," he said with a wink. He was striking in his dark blue cop uniform and at his size nobody with any sense would bother him.

"Hungry?" I asked, already knowing the answer.

"Always."

Jake pulled up a stool up to the counter and watched as I grabbed leftover vegetable lasagna from the fridge and heated it in the microwave. I poured us each a glass of Merlot then set the steaming plate in front of him.

"You're too good to me, Bells," he said lifting his fork. We both knew that wasn't true.

He wolfed down the lasagna, then pushing his stool backwards, reached over to pull me into a giant bear hug. I tucked my head underneath his chin and let his warmth envelop me. After a few moments of comfortable silence, he spoke, "Big day for you tomorrow, huh?"

I didn't respond, but he could feel my head nodding up and down against his broad chest. Taking my hand, he led me to the sofa and pulled me into his lap as he sat down.

My head rested on his shoulder as he wrapped both arms tightly around me. We sat in silence for a long time, comfortable just being quiet with each other, while I gently ran my fingers along the tendons of his muscular forearms, finally resting the palms of my hands on top of his.

He was the first to break the silence, "You still awake, Bells?"

Feeling more relaxed than I had all night I simply mumbled my answer, " Mmm Hmm."

"Want me to tuck you in?"

I lifted my head to look directly at Jake, his jet black hair and deep brown eyes mere inches from my face. We both knew where that would lead, and as much as I knew it wasn't a good idea I did not have the willpower to protest. He leaned in closer, parting his lips as his head tilted towards mine. Closing my eyes, my mouth welcomed his, first with gentle kisses then more intensely as his tongue darted in and out. I could taste the wine as I drew his bottom lip between mine, softly sucking before taking a playful nibble.

Jake moved his hands down my sides until they reached the hem of my top, lifting it just enough to slip inside. As he fingered my nipple between his thumb and forefinger, I felt warm moisture begin to pool in my silk panties. I could not resist the urge to take hold of his free hand and place it firmly between my thighs.

"Anxious, aren't we?" he smirked. Jake knew what he did to me physically. He knew every button to push, every surface to stroke. He rubbed softly over my sleep shorts and panties, then pushed them aside as he plunged his middle finger inside me. I yelped and arched my back as he moved it in and out, circling my swollen clit with his thumb.

Moments later I was in his arms as he carried me back to the bedroom.

My fingers furiously tore at the buttons of his shirt while Jake pushed his pants down his legs. Mesmerized by his perfectly chiseled chest and abs, I glanced downward to the large bulge tucked into his boxer briefs. I blushed when he caught me staring. Running my fingers back and forth over his length before pulling down the waistband, my index finger gently swept over the head of his cock . Bringing my finger tip to my mouth, I tasted his precum as Jake pushed me backwards on the bed.

He entered me slowly, always careful not to cause any pain because of his size. The friction as he pushed deeper and deeper inside sent shivers through my core until I finally thrust myself toward him, taking it all in at once. My aggression took Jake by surprise, but I could tell by the look on his face it was appreciated. I moaned in utter pleasure as he began sliding in and out of me. We rocked back in forth as he kissed my breasts tenderly, flicking his soft tongue over my nipples. As I neared climax, my body began to shutter when suddenly Jake grabbed my rear with both hands, pulling us even closer together. He began thrusting wildly and forcefully, tremors shaking both of our bodies, until at last we came together. As we lay there, still connected, a sweat bead fell from Jake's forehead onto my nose. He kissed it off then whispered in my ear "I love you, Bella."

The crushing guilt fell upon me like a ton of bricks.

A/N: So, my first chapter of my first attempt at Fan Fiction. What d'ya think? Chapter 2 is well underway and I hope to have it up in the next two days. Meanwhile, enjoy and leave me some feedback!