In my defense, I never thought I was crazy.
If anything, I thought I was the only rational man alive. I lived in an era where men were driven by pretty prophecies and promises of glory, sacrificing the innocent by the droves in the name of attaining the unattainable. Grand schemes such as this inevitably lead to disaster, and I found myself often questioning why I continued to assist them when all I ever really wanted was to reconnect with my beloved sibling.
Or die. Whichever came first.
Perhaps I thought I owed it to them? Funny to think that may have been the case, considering I've never consciously believed I owed anyone anything. Even when Nigredo sacrificed his very being to give me my greatest desire, I never thought of trying to find a way to repay his ghost for the debt. Yet, that strange old fellow saved me on Miltia after you panicked and nearly killed me, and I found myself tied to his pet organizations like a guard dog chained to a stake. I had every reason to leave and frequent thoughts of abandoning my unofficial post as their trash man, yet I never did.
Maybe they just caught me while I was young and impressionable?
No, that can't be it. If that were the case, I likely would have sided with father when he foolishly pursued the power of God. I would have been turned into some sort of mindless slave like Citrine, or a goodie-two-shoes suck-up like that other brother I do not wish to talk about. Backstabbing son of a whore. I can't say which whore, as we technically had no mother beyond an egg donor. Oh well, I guess Dmitri will just have to step up to the title. Rest in peace, father. I bet you have a lovely condominium somewhere between the City of Din and the frozen lake in which Satan is trapped.
Why did I stay? It wasn't as though they had anything to offer me, aside from a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to traumatize a child (or, child-like thing, as it were). If anything, I was often on the receiving end of some choice verbal abuse:
"Albedo, you idiot, I thought we told you to be more careful!"
Yes, well, I have a very loose definition of "careful."
"You dolt, who do you think you are? I have the right mind to..."
To what? Whatever it is, I would love to see you try.
"Heinlein will not be pleased, Albedo! When His Eminence hears of your failure, he will have your head!"
Which will grow back. Do you just casually forget I'm immortal, or is it really that hard for your puny little mind to grasp?
"You sick bastard!"
Don't yell at crazy, Margulis.
In all honesty, it must be really difficult to determine what I saw so appealing about working with religious wing-nuts with guns. All they ever did was chide me about collateral damage and make cracks about my choice of company, as though the Kirschwasser that followed me around was anything more than a clinger-on who seemed to think I was the second coming of the Messiah. Seriously, even if I was insane in the eyes of everyone who wasn't me, I wasn't quite that sick. Or at least I would like to think that I wasn't.
So, why did I stay? You're smart. You should have already figured it out. Then again, I know how you used to be with your siblings; you would never "assume" you knew what we were thinking, despite the fact you could have very well peered into our heads to double check your answer!
It was because I was after you, Rubedo. Simple, yes? The bigger question is how I somehow knew that staying with U-TIC would cause our paths to cross.
In all honesty, I will admit to the fact that I thought you might come back for me. We were both on Miltia at the same time when we were separated, and we both knew who the regular rank-and-file soldiers were fighting. I won't deny the fact that, in my ignorant youth, my half-garbled brain--haunted by your betrayal--thought that you would come to realize that I was not back with the Federation, and you would assume me in the arms of the enemy. As a child, you are prone to always seeing the glass as half full, but you would know all about that I suppose. After all, you've been living as a child for years and I have never met anyone so disgustingly optimistic in my life.
Since the only people who would have had me aside from the Federation were the good fellows at U-TIC, I thought that if I stuck around you would come to take me home. Yet days turned into weeks turned into years, and despite the fact you could have easily opened the link to ask if I were still breathing, you assumed me dead and forgot about me. By then, I knew little else than doing what Sellers said, right before he passed me off to that fool, Margulis. I never agreed with them, I never believed their proclamations of finding Lost Jerusalem or visiting the grave of "our" Lord, but with my mind weakened by U-DO, confusion, and anger, I was pliable.
I hate admitting that I was ever weak enough to be fashioned into a servant, but I've come to realize that I was never in control of anything I ever did. I thought I was, but the thought was flawed.
I think fate smiled kindly on us, that you got mixed up in the affairs of U-TIC. When I abducted that Realian of yours and saw your face in her heart, my own heart jumped straight into heaven! You had come back for me, or at least to me, and just as you tried to drill your reasoning into my head, I tried to coax you to see things my way. I did not continue to pursue your ragtag team of pseudo-saviors for the 100-Series or the Y-Data, despite the fact I briefly masked it as such. No, I was much more interested in trying to win back my brother, though we seemed to be of differing opinions on matters of saving humanity.
What with you caring, and me not caring quite so much.
Obsessive? I don't think I am. Consider, Rubedo, the fact that you are the only person who has ever really showed me any kindness whatsoever. Father wasn't the most nurturing type, Sellers thought of me as nothing more than a weapon, and I can assure you that your friends are disgusted by the thought of me lurking somewhere in the back of your mind. Imagine yourself in my shoes, if you will. Yes, just imagine that there is one person in the world who gives a damn about you, and that one person is spending their life running from the very thought of you. I have a feeling that, should you have finally caught this person, you would have been elated beyond all thought. Perhaps you would have tried to find a way to make them see things your way? Perhaps you would have followed them to the very ends of the universe? When all else failed, and you finally chose death over abandonment, would you have wanted that person by your side when you left the mortal plane?
Not that I stayed gone for very long.
Perhaps you do know something similar to that the feeling, Rubedo. Do you remember our time on the floating landmass, when I interrupted your fight against that idiot, Virgil? That pleading look in your eyes, the hope in your voice, the desperation; all of the things I felt from you proved to me that you felt the same way. By God, when I found you in Abel's Ark, you were almost crying tears of joy when you saw me!
It's to be expected, I guess. We're twins, formerly conjoined no less. If the bond between your run-of-the-mill siblings is strong, then the bond between us must be near unbreakable.
Oh? What was that you said?
Oh. I'm well aware that what I did was selfish. Don't start on one of your holier-than-thou rants to tell me as much because I already know. I have no attachment to U-TIC, the Federation, Vector, or your little cluster of friends. For my own gain, I would have sacrificed every one of them, especially that Realian. MOMO, yes? She was a key, you see, not to Mizrahi's madness (or, could it be genius?), but to drawing you to me like a moth to a flame. I'm fairly certain I could have killed her just to enrage you enough to chase me for a change, though I'm glad you were coaxed through much lesser means.
Aw, you're frustrated. Is it because I raise more questions than I answer? You were never happy until you knew everything you could possibly know. I'm sad to say this is the most I can tell you, as my life has been but a blur that I can hardly keep tabs on. Perhaps I was crazy, and if that's the case, I have every excuse not to know the exact reasoning behind my actions. I could likely play the "didn't know any better" card all day with you, and if you persist, I just might take that route.
Am I being too stubborn for you? Congratulations, you are once again experiencing the joys of having your little brother around. Perhaps this experience will make you think twice before you wake me up to answer silly questions.
As for me? I'm going back to sleep.
Good night, Rubedo.