Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing!
A/N: Hello fellow readers. Well, I was at Rachel's house today, and we were bored and decided to mess around with We tried every single Male/Female pairing for Hermione, and we saw the sickest ones... So I felt bad for Hermione, and I wrote this story. Note this is a parody, and is not meant to offend anyone!
Hermione Granger was walking innocently down the halls of Hogwarts. Being the studious girl that she was, she was heading towards the library. However, she was pulled into a classroom by a certain Draco Malfoy.
"Oi! Malfoy, what do you want with me?" she asked. "Wait! Why do I sound like I'm an American with a fake British accent?"
"Oh, Hermione, my love, we cannot continue our affair anymore! We must break apart, for my father says he will disown me if we go on with our marriage! But because my love is so overwhelming for you, I shall forget him and we shall begin our new life together!" he said, hugging her.
"Wait, what? I'm confused... Why are you hugging me? What are you doing? What's going on?" she said nervously.
"Oh, my dearest Hermione, I have been cursed as the fan fiction writer's toy, as have you! They seem to think that because I was rich and probably had a tutor, I speak kind of funny and I'm really smart. But does that matter? For we have found true love!" After hearing that, Hermione slowly backed out of the door and ran down the hall.
"Miss Granger, 20 points from Gryffindor for running down the halls," Snape said, appearing out of nowhere.
"Professor Snape, thank goodness! I think that there's something wrong with him. He's different from his usual self, and he said something about fan fiction writers. Please, help me, he hugged me and said I was his love," she pleaded.
"What!" he cried out in outrage. "Why are you caring about Draco? What about me? I'm the one that was misunderstood as a child, not him! Are you shagging him? You should be shagging me, not him. Hermione, I love you. I just can't admit it because I'm your professor!" Hermione, freaked out again, ran away to another hall, where she saw Dumbledore.
"Professor, are you alright?" she asked. He seemed to be pouring a liquid on his lemon drops carefully.
"Ah, Miss Granger, is something the matter?" he said, quickly hiding the bottle and the bag of lemon drops in his large sleeves.
"Yes sir, Malfoy and Snape are all hitting on me, and I'm acting like I'm an American girl that knows nothing!" she wailed.
"Oh?" he raised and eyebrow. "Alright, I've been planning for this for a while. Now, take this time turner-" one that he produced out of this large sleeves "-and spin it like crazy until you hit about 100 years. Then, go to Hogwarts, tell the current headmaster that you're an exchange student from Durmstrang, try to get into Gryffindor, and then we'll get married and have the most intelligent children of the world."
"What!" Hermione said. She could hardly believe the words that had come out of his mouth.
"Yes, for in this time period, it is too risky to proceed with our love. Remember, you shall have to woo me, for I will not trust you at first. But- Hermione? Hermione! Come back!" But she didn't hear, as she bolted towards the Common Rooms.
"Harry, Ron, I think Voldemort did something to- Harry? Ron?"
"Why is my name always second? Why? Is it because you're cheating on me with Harry? No, that's wrong! You should be with me! Why do I have to be the sidekick!" Ron said, emotions changing from angry, to sad, to pathetic.
"Shut up Ron, Hermione doesn't want to hear that! She wants to be with the hero because we look so cute together. You can go and have some incest thing with Ginny. Go! Shoo!" Harry said harshly as Ron obeyed.
"Now, Hermione, we're going to somehow have sex right under the headmaster's nose, you're going to get pregnant, and then you're going to go to the States so that in about 5 years, I meet you and our twins, but I don't know that they're mines. Ok? Good, let's go," he said, pulling her towards his rooms. Again, Hermione bolted from sight.
'Too much running tonight,' Hermione thought. What was the matter with the boys? What happened? She decided to talk to take a walk around the grounds. However, even that was interrupted by Lord Voldemort.
"Ah, my Mudblood. Since unknown, uncanon stories say that Muggleborns are more powerful than Purebloods, you will be my queen and shall bear my child. We shall fall in love, but this time, I won't turn good. Never! Never! Mwhahaha- ack, hack. Ok, someone get me a glass of water," he said, taking the cup from one of his faceless Death Eaters.
"Oh SHIT!" she said, which was somewhat odd, because she went through six years without cursing.
And just when she thought things we're the worst that could happen, a girl popped out by her side.
"Hello!" she said too cheerily. "Even though you're a Muggleborn, I'm your cousin, who is also a witch. I come from America, and I'm here to give you a make over!"
"Who- what- where- wait, what's your name?" Hermione asked warily.
"My name? It's Elizabeth Anne Pearl Jennifer Summer Mary Cornelia Sue Black Weasley Potter Finnegan Malfoy Granger Riddle. But you can just call me Lizzie, because it's the in thing in the 21st century, which we were automatically teleported into when I showed up. So, take a shower, use this shampoo, and I'll go raid your closet. Let's go!" she said energetically, clapping her hands.
Hermione, wanting to shrink down and cry, backed up. Suddenly everyone was there, making her back up while watching another group set fire to a bunch of books, since that was supposedly what would make her cry. But, it didn't, and despite the fact that they were just near the Forbidden Forest, she backed up and fell into the lake.
A dog began swimming towards her, and as soon as it reached her, it changed shape and turned into Sirius Black.
"Sirius! But... I thought you were dead."
"Hey babe, I can never die, for I am the Hogwart's Man-Whore and I'm doing to de-blossom you! Come on; let's get you dry so I can de-blossom you!"
"What? No! Get away from me!" she screamed. Suddenly, she was in the Common Room, which was empty. Remus Lupin came through one of the doors holding a cup of hot chocolate.
"Ah, Hermione, you're awake. Here, have some chocolate," he said, pulling a bar of Honeyduke's Finest out of his jacket despite the fact that they were wizards, who wear robes.
"Oh my, everyone was all crazy! At least you're normal Remus," she said.
"Oh, hey, look at me, I'm a poor werewolf. I deserve some pity... Now that I've drugged you with chocolate, we're going to read a book or two, and then I'm going to start up a fire! Once it's warm, we're going to make love, because we're so in love, we have everything in common, and you should be pitying me," he said, taking out multiple books.
Hermione screamed. As she did, her surroundings changed into her bedroom. It had all been a dream... She sighed happily. However, she didn't notice the multiple amounts of teenaged girls watching her and writing down various things.
FIN... Or not?
Like? Review!