Disclaimer: I do not claim ownership to the following: Naruto, Dragonball Z, Naruto Abridged (MasakoX and Vegeta 3986's youtube parody), Harry Potter, Looney Tunes (ACME reference), The Legend of Zelda, anything else I may have missed, and a life.
I do, however, own my original character Lightning, The SQUAD OF FREAKIN' EVIL!! (or at least the idea for the SQUAD, not the two fictional characters within it.), and an awesome Legend of Zelda hat I bought at Wal-Mart about a year or so ago.
Sasuke: Will you quit stalling and let me kill your pathetic excuse for an original character already?!
Sage Lightning: (takes out a bag of Snyders pretzel pieces) Vegeta, what does the scouter say about this snack food's power level?
Vegeta the snake: It's over 9000!!
Sage Lightning: Good. (throws bag of pretzels at Sasuke)
Sasuke: WTF?!
KA-BOOM!! Sasuke was sent flying into the tenth dimension by a massive explosion.
Sage Lightning: Now that he's out of the way, I can finally start the story! Huzzah! …..Okay, that was lame.
You've Just Crossed the Line!
No. 2
Konoha's "Puppet Master"
After just one week of new inhabitants, the Konoha forest of death tower was unrecognizable. With Itachi and Anko's help, he had installed machine gun defense systems at most of the tower's weak points. A forty foot tall by fifteen foot thick steel and concrete wall had also been constructed. And in order to obtain the materials to build that, Lightning had "borrowed" some stone from Hokage Mountain. Anko still continued to voice her disbelief that he hadn't been found out. In fact, there are so many plot holes in this story already that Swiss cheese looks hole-free…..just forget I said that and read the following flashback instead.
Flashback! One day after Lightning's arrival.
Lightning stood at the gate that separated his forest (at least it was after Anko joined the group) from the hidden village beyond. He took out a remote called the Disguise button and pressed it. The Hokage Mountain exploded.
"Uhhhh…… $%! !" Lightning cursed as alarms and even worse cursing emanated from Konoha. " That wasn't supposed to happen! I'm gonna sue ACME inc. for this!" He then dashed into the village after putting a generic cloak over himself. Lightning, feeling slightly panicky after blowing up a whole mountain, did not notice one of Danzo's ROOT ninja leap from a nearby tree.
At the Planet's Core (A.K.A. ROOT HQ)
"So you say a freak wearing a trench coat blew up Hokage Mountain?" Danzo asked his subordinate while sitting on a throne. Suddenly, Danzo's cell phone rang, echoing across the hardened lava chamber. " Hold on for a second." He answered the phone, said a few words, and then hung up. " You'll have to excuse me for a moment, the Shinigami just informed me that another dead soul is on his way here. I have to put on my genjutsu."
Danzo made some hand signs and gained a devil suit, two horns, and a red pitchfork. He also summoned Umbridge, Hitler, and George W. Bush. Together, they were the SQUAD OF FREAKIN' EVIL!!
Danzo's ROOT ANBU then died from the pure evilness the group cast over the chamber.
" Danzo, your soldiers are pathetic and weak." Hitler complained. Danzo stared at him for a moment and then retorted, " Your mom!"
" Why you…"
" Hem Hem!" Umbridge fake-coughed. " THERE WILL BE ORDER!"
" Yeah, well, you c'n schtick yer order up yer butt for all I care! I'm happy as can be as long as I gots mah oil. Yee haw!" Bush exclaimed as he took out a thousand oil barrels. Which fell through the floor and into the lava.
" Bush, you dumbass." Danzo muttered as he used his overly stupid Sharingan-arms to get the hell out of there. The core instantly exploded.
Back in Konoha…
Lightning stood next to the huge pile of rubble that was formerly a famous landmark. He muttered a few words and the rubble disappeared. The sudden disappearance of that much stone alerted the Konoha Shinobi to Lighning's presence, and his abilities.
" Crap…What the hell was I thinking?!" he muttered as the infamous Kakashi Hatake put a kunai to his neck.
" I'm afraid you're going to our interrogation specialist for questioning, whoever you are." Kakashi stated as several more ninja arrived. But just before he could take him to Ibiki (dramatic horror music ensues at the mention of his name) the ground began to rumble.
" Hinata, what is causing that rumbling?" Kakashi ordered.
Hinata scanned the area with her Byakugan, and then saw……
" It's a volcanic vent!"
Everyone got out of the way as the ground melted and expanded. The molten material continued to erupt skywards until it hardened and became a perfect replica of the former Hokage Mountain.
Needless to say, everyone shouted " WHAT THE $%?!"
"W-what were the odds of that happening……" Hinata muttered.
Lightning broke free of Kakashi's grip and said, "About one in infinity billion, gorgeous."
Lightning threw a deku nut on the ground, using the flash to camouflage his escape, leaving behind a stunned village, and a blushing heiress.
End Flashback……
" I don't believe that piece of crap flashback!" Anko said as she sat across from Lightning and Itachi in the Forest of Death Tower.
" I can't believe it happened either, but apparently it did." Lightning said. " Oh, and by the way, I won the lawsuit against ACME so we're all filthy rich right about now."
"Nice….." Itachi said appreciatively
Outside the Forest of Death……
Danzo was pissed. His "SQUAD OF FREAKIN' EVIL!!" had destroyed his secret base. And what was worse, the molten remnants of his lair had somehow reformed into the Hokage Mountain! Danzo never wanted anything of his to be associated with a good deed! So he gathered his one hundred and fifty ROOT ANBU outside of the Forest of Death so he could kill the one responsible for that mess.
One of his ANBU walked up to him, limping. " Uh, sir? I tripped over a log and broke my leg; can I be excused from this mission?"
Danzo narrowed his eyes at the ROOT ANBU. "Damn Hitler was right…." he mumbled. " No. In fact, because of your apparent stupidity, I shall force you to watch the Eragon movie."
" No, not that! It's the worst book adaptation ever! The Log is alive! It attacked me! No!!!" The ANBU screamed as he was dragged away by two other ROOT.
Danzo walked in front of his army, and uttered, " The one responsible for destroying the Hokage Mountain is inside this forest. The target is wearing a trench coat, so it was likely Anko. Find her and kill her."
As Danzo and his army leapt into the forest, a sinister shadow watched from behind a tree…..
Back at the Tower….
" Why do I suddenly feel the need to kill Lightning?" Anko asked herself. Her musings were cut short by a wailing alarm and flashing red lights.
" Proximity alert!" Lightning yelled as he drew his sword. " And I programmed it to go off only when ten or more ninja approach!"
" Anko, are the chunnin exams occurring?" Itachi asked as he activated his Sharingan.
"Not for another two months." Anko replied.
" Well then, it appears it's time to fight. I'll power up the automated gun turrets." Lightning said as he dashed out of their meeting room.
With Danzo's Forces….
The ROOT ANBU leapt from tree to tree, readying themselves for a fight. As they continued onwards a scream of pain echoed across the forest, coming from the rear of the group. Danzo motioned for two of the ANBU to investigate.
With the Two Unfortunate Souls….
The two ROOT, after searching for about thirty seconds, came across the dead body of their fallen comrade. They noticed a huge hole in his stomach.
" Hey, what could have done that?" ROOT no.1 asked his partner.
" Perhaps the demon went berserk and used his rasen-thingy on him." ROOT no. 2 suggested. But as he soon found out, it was neither demon nor ninja that was to blame.
No. 1 heard a rustle near a tree and then he saw…
" A Log?! No. 97 wasn't making it up after all!"
" I'll handle this. Fire style: molten rock barrage jutsu!"
No. 2's lava bombs sped towards The Log, but they dissipated before impact. Then, the following words appeared over The Log: Pwnage style: automatic kill jutsu.
" Hey wait a moment, that can't be a real ju-" No. 1 was interrupted their bodies exploded in a shower of guts and gore.
The Log, whose guest appearance had come to an end, departed once more to the land of Naruto Abridged.
The Tower Once More……
Lightning jumped onto the forest floor in front of Itachi and Anko. " All set. Now we wait for the fireworks to begin."
" Oooh! I'll grab some dango!" Anko exclaimed.
Lightning raised an eyebrow.
" Alright, and some Snyders pretzel pieces. Popcorn, Itachi?" Anko asked
" That sounds good."
Five minutes later……
Lightning, Anko, and Itachi sat in front of their tower eating snacks, waiting for….
" Attack!!" Danzo roared
Roughly one hundred ROOT charged at the walls. As they did so, twelve machine gun turrets opened fire on the ninja, ripping holes all across their bodies. Doto of Snow Country would have been proud.
" Holy crap! Fall back!!" Danzo ordered in a panic. But he was too late, for one hundred dead ninja now littered the forest floor.
While Danzo thought up a plan, one of his ANBU took off his mask and threw it to the ground. It was Neji.
" No family member's honor is worth this! Screw the Hyuuga council and their plan to put spies in ROOT, I'm getting the hell out of here!" Neji said as he ran towards Konoha.
Back with the Trio…
" What did you say to the Hyuuga to have them after you?" Itachi asked, curious.
" You saw the flashback, so shut up." Lightning snapped back.
" Guys! They're using explosive kunai!" Anko warned.
Lightning hit the dirt as several hissing kunai flew overhead. They detonated with a tremendous BOOM, crippling nine of the machine guns. A jagged piece of metal landed inches from Lightning's face.
He shook his head and jumped to his feet just in time to see three dozen ROOT ANBU jump the walls. But when they touched ground twenty of them suddenly exploded due to landing on hidden land mines. The remaining twelve charged at the three while wielding various weapons or jutsu.
Anko made the necessary hand signs to summon Vegeta the snake, Itachi activated his Perfect Mangekyo Sharingan, and Lightning threw his sword into the air.
As the two sides were about to fight, a noise like a thousand birds was heard.
"CHIDORI!!" Sasuke roared as he pierced Danzo's chest with the ball of electricity.
" But…how? I couldn't sense…ugh." Danzo said as he fell to the ground in a pool of blood.
" Simple, actually. The Author tried to trap me in the tenth dimension. But Kishimoto, the almighty, has decreed that an Uchiha cannot be permanently forced into an alternate dimension ." Sasuke gloated as the rest of his team caught up to him.
Danzo's remaining ROOT ANBU's heads all began to react to a seal, causing their brains to literally melt.
" And now that the old pain in the ass is out of the way, you will die Lightning.
Lightning caught his sword and charged some electricity into it, muttering, " Damn Kishimoto and his Uchiha-favoritism…."
TO BE CONTINUED IN….
YOU'VE JUST CROSSED THE LINE! III: FULL CIRCLE
(Song of Storms playing in the background)
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