Mixed Feelings By: Vivian Ta
CHAPTER 1
I awoke with a thud and felt the searing pain travel down my neck to my vertabrae.
"So much for the alarm clock." I groaned, while rubbing my sore back.
Opening my droopy eyelids, I yawned and took in a cool breath of spring air.
The birds chirped pleasantly outside the window, the trees swung in the breeze, and the crisp blossoms gather into groups and blew merrily in circles.
Back still tingling slightly, I stood with an acute manner.
Directly in the dusty, gold bordered mirror, was an odd girl with tired eyes and wind blown chocolate hair. Releasing my gaze, I peered around the messy room, and began to shuffle around.
Among the piles, I picked up a long sleeve tee, and a new pair of skin tight, black leathered jeans.
Then turning spasmodically, I tripped over a cassete and banged my nose on the mahogany bookstand.
Heaving a depressing sigh and rubbing the sore spot on my nose, I cautiously stepped onto the hall's untrusting floorboards.
Grabbing my towel from the bathroom rack, I rinsed it throughroughly with cold water.
"Aaah... refreshing." I thought.
Reaching upward, I tilted open the crooked sink cabinet and grabbed a bunch of elastic bands to substitute for a hair-tie.
Taking only two from the bunch, I hastily pulled my hair back into a pony tail and hung up the towel.
Swiftly, I closed the door and made my way down to the other side of the hall.
Crossing the green and blue tiled kitchen floor, I slipped on my favorite cream colored fur boots.
"I can't wait to see him."I thought.
____________________________________________________________________________
As I walked down to the beach, I cried on top of my voice:
"NATHAN! NATHAN! Where the hell are you?"
My sneakers made soft thumps in the sand as I jogged along the shore. Soon, being grumpy and tired from running, I sat down on a flat sandy rock.
Taking off my boots and socks, I placed them neatly by the rock.
Standing up, I waddled bare footed in the water for a while, then sat down and dipped in my numb toes.
I noticed that some of the seaweed had washed up along the shore and most of the pieces were getting wound around my ankles and toes.
Piece by piece, I scraped them off.
"There you are!"
Startled, my head shifted slightly to the left, an initially response.
"Hey, I've been looking all over for you and I almost got myself stuck in a whole bunch of shit by coming here to see you. I took a huge risk trying to wake up before my parents' alarms..."
He paused and sat down in the sand.
Holding his hand, I sat down beside him, with my head resting against his shoulder.
The scenery was perfect today, the ocean lush with the colour reflected upon it's surface, and the sky shone with bright patches of sun.
The wind seemed to whisper my name in a chant and slowly I droned off into blissful paradise.
The hours passed swiftly; the air became unbearably warm.
"Holy crap, we gotta get back, you know what I mean."
Nathan looked down a his watch.
"Oh no! It's later than I thought it would be, we'd better be heading back."
I said in shock at the time.
"Do you want a ride?"
Nathan asked patiently.
"Ride in what?"
I flushed, realizing how bluntly the words had came out.
He seemed a bit incredulous. I looked toward where Nathan was pointing.
"Oh... I hadn't noticed it..."
He began to tug on my arm playfully and led me to his bike.
It was one of those long two person bikes.
The tires were fully pumped, the seats were washed, and the bike was newly painted.
He hopped onto the front seat, and motioned me to the back.
It was quite comfy, the seat fancied up with extra lining, but nothing compared to a motorcycle.
"Hey! Umm... you might wanna hold on to me, it's going to be a bumpy ride."
He grinned.
I giggled and wrapped my arms around his waist.
_____________________________________________________________________________
The night air billowed around my head, sweeping up my hair in wisp, as Nathan went over a manhole in the road.
"Eeek!"
I shrieked and held on tighter.
The momentom of the move had knocked the senses out of me.
Nathan couldn't help, but to smile.
Soon enough, we were home.
I felt guilty, only wanting to spend more time together, just the two of us.
My legs were numb and they were very unstable. Using the golden opportunity, I let my legs give way.
Nathan shook his head, and came up behind me, supporting my weight by placing my left arm delicately around his neck and shoulders.
When we reached the door, surprisingly he stopped, and turning around he glanced down at me.
"You know, if anyone ever tries to bother you at the least, tell me and talk to me, so I'll be sure that you're gonna to be okay, wherever, and whenever. Meet me at lunch tomorrow, okay?"
He was serious, his grey eyes showed that he cared alot about me, maybe even more than my feelings towards him.
He hesitated briefly, then leaned intimately closer towards me.
My heart was thumping, my nerves jumping in nervousness. One part of my sub conscience was telling me something, but I was deaf to everything but him.
Then I remembered my surroundings.
Frantic, I tried to speak to him about this, but my voice was caught, and it seems that he also can't bring himself to speak either.
In one gesture, he had captured my heart.
Then he abrubtly turned, and I looked at him questioningly.
With a smile and a small wave of his hand, I watched him walk down the silver pavement.
Silently, in a prayer-like stance, I hoped that my parents hadn't woken up yet.
Using the spare house keys , I opened the door and winced with every creak.
Looking around in the kitchen atmosphere, I noticed that the lights were turned off.
I worked my way blindly, feeling for the switch.
With a flick of my shaking finger, the lights were on.
As I spun around, a strong voice called out:
"Carey Ladner!"
"You come over here immediately!"
I jumped in shock.
Quickly, I slumped towards my furious father, and worried mother.
"Carey!"
"Where were you?"
My mother's warm tears dripped onto my hair.
"We thought you were missing, I was so worried!"
My mother wrapped me into a gentle embrace, and wept in silent tears.
"Stop with the tenderness!"
"Let's get to the point here!"
Dad growled roughly, a sign indicating for my focus.
I couldn't bear to look at him.
"Just who do you think you are, just getting up and leaving in the middle of early morning? Who do you even think we are?"
"Do you even regard us as your parents?"
I felt guilty, not only is my Mother crying, but my Father is mad.
"Have you been keeping something from us?"
Mom turned to look at me.
"So what if I am?"
I could see the shocked expressions on their faces, it felt good, even though I hadn't noticed myself saying it.
I looked at my Dad, who was heaving short breathes.
"You're becoming one of those filthy...filthy..."
"No dad, I think you've got the wrong idea."
He collapsed on a chair.
"I don't want to speak to you anymore. You are grounded, until you are able to show me more responsibility, and give me a proper explanation for your actions.
I felt stunned, I have never seen my dad this way before.
Sure, there was that time when I took a bag of Lays chips from the nearby grocery store,
there was also that time where I took one of his work forms, and doodled all over it.
But honestly, he has never been this mad.
Feeling utterly helpless, I resorted to the only thing I could do.
"Please Dad! You need to calm down. Your body can't take this kind of pressure!"
I cried.
"Tell me Carey, what is it that you want from us?"
I stopped, rooted to my place.
"What do you mean Dad?"
"I meant, tell me what it is that you really want, so I don't need to carry this burden with me anymore."
I could see that he was tired, and I didn't want to disapoint him again.
I took a deep breath, though I wasn't ready to answer this, the words seemed to magically flow out of my mouth, like they were already in me, waiting to be released.
"What I truly feel is... it's time for me to grow up and I feel that I can't do that with all of your restrictions." I found myself saying.
"I won't live up to them, I'm sick of the rules, and I hate being a top student."
"I want my own life, and I need you to know that."
My eyes were somehow stinging now, and I knew the tears were coming.
I bit my lip and managed to make my way up the stairs without apologizing for my harsh words.
After the escapade from my parents' yelling, the sadness I didn't usually have, hit me.
The tears came quickly that I cried until my eyes felt like they were rolled around in sandpaper.
It was so long since my father has proclaimed a love for me, his daughter.
Sometimes I still wonder if I should be born, or if I was a mistake.
I wanted someone to understand me and the only person that does, is Nathan.
"I love you Nathan..." I had wanted desperately to say that, but all I feel like doing now, was to take a long nap and not wake up.
"Darling? May I come in? I know you're in a bad mood."
I sighed heavily.
"No, I have a raging headache."
"I hope you have a raging appetite, because I've got my famous lasagna and chicken noodle soup." Mom chirped.
"Mom, for God's sake, it's 6:00am in the morning and we don't eat breakfast until at least
8:00am."
"Well... you know if you eat early, you won't have to see your Dad yet. He's in the worst mood I've ever seen."
I managed to heave a long shaky breath.
I felt sorry for her, since she's trying so hard to cheer me up, and she knows it isn't working.
"Okay. Thanks alot for cheering me up." I mumbled.
Looking at me for one last time, she closed the door gently behind her, to leave me with my miserable thoughts.
"I wonder if she'll ever see me again..."