Gilmore Girls Fanfic Jess & Rory: Turn Away

by jessandrorymariano

"it's what it is. you. me." "what it's always been." "except we're different people now, so maybe the you and the me that we once were aren't who we are anymore but maybe that's okay. good, even." / please read author's note at the beginning! enjoy(:

1. Chapter 1

TURN AWAY

just a lil author's note: each chapter switches from jess to rory's perspective and varies in length, the longest one is the first, which is a flashback of jess's, set like a week after the finale episode left off since i really wanted to write luke & lorelei's wedding(: and then the rest of the story is set five years from then(: i've included as many supporting characters as i can, like Kirkand Babette, ect and referenced quips from the show, like how luke always wanted lobster at his wedding to lorelei, ect(: so have fun spotting them and please let me know what you think! can't wait for feedback. okay, ily

CHAPTER ONE / JESS

The last time I saw her was at my uncle's wedding. She was her mother's bridesmaid and she looked beautiful. She took my breath away and watching her walk down the aisle with me standing by Luke at the end, I could almost trick myself into thinking she was walking to me. I didn't tear my eyes away or drop my head down, even though I probably should've done both. It was clear she could read my mind, but the funny thing is; I could've sworn she was thinking the same as me, as though this was us starting our life together. But no. Instead, Lorelei follows her daughter, carrying a bouquet of daises and with her father, Richard Gilmore on her arm.

Luke and Lorelei said their vows and she kept her eyes on her mother's face the whole time, only once anxiously throwing a glance out to the audience filling the alter. We were outside - it seems everyone's weddings are outside here, must just be the Stars Hollow way - and everyone was sitting in fold out chairs, and when we'd ran out of those, Luke, TJ and I had fetched his diner chairs.

Every Tom, Dick and Harry was out for the occasion or I guess you could say, every Taylor Doosey, Kirk and Miss Patty. Babette stood proudly as a bridesmaid beside Rory who had Sookie on her other side. Much like practically every resident in Stars Hollow, the pride and pure ecstasy at Lorelei and Luke's decision to marry, radiated in waves off Babette.

The atmosphere was palpable with years of built up anticipation. After the ceremony, we all went back to the Dragonfly for the reception, which was indoors. To say the Dragonfly inn was packed is the biggest understatement.

We hadn't seen each other before the ceremony since she got ready with Lorelei and I helped Luke prepare and for obvious reasons, they weren't allowed to be within any feet of each other, meaning neither were we.

So up until now, we hadn't found the time to talk. I was waiting for an opportunity to present itself. The old me probably would've just made an opportunity arise of my own making but I hadn't been that troublesome edgy rebel kid for more than half a decade now. He was my past, and I still hoped, after all we'd been through, that Rory would be my future.

Well, y'know how I said I wasn't going to cause a scene and steal Rory away? It turned out I didn't have to, since there was somebody else willing to take the reins, who ordinarily wouldn't have — Rory. Everybody was still milling around and socialising, before sitting down to eat and Luke and Lorelei weren't back yet from pictures in the town square and gazebo. And then just like that, it happened. I felt a hand take ahold of my arm and pull.

"Rory.." I breathed as she tugged me through the doorway and around the corner. She pressed me against the wall, leaning in close. "I need to talk to you. Or…not talk." "What? What are you talking about?" I asked, wanting nothing more than to reach out and stoke her cheek. It looked so soft and she was blinking up at me through those big blue eyes of hers — it was too much.

But I knew I gave up that right so long ago now, when I got on that bus to go find my father without telling her. I feel the loss bubble up inside of me, even now after so much time apart. The look on her face when she caught me out on that bus flies through my mind and I'm reminded yet again of how I promised I'd call her but could never muster up the courage to put into words what I was doing so instead would sit on the phone in complete silence. I was such a coward back then. I should never have walked away from her the way that I did and left things between us so unfinished and so without closure. She deserved better than that, she always will.

"Jess, I really can't stand to be at a wedding right now, even if it is Mum and Luke's. I need an escape, an out and I know you can't stand weddings either so maybe…" "Wait, hold up, since when can you not stand weddings? You used to love weddings…I remember you working on weddings with your Mum when she ran the Independence Inn and remember Sooki's wedding? That was..um, a pretty great day.." I see the shimmer of recognition slip behind her eyes at how I'm not so subtly hinting at the day she first impulsively kissed me, and realise I've hit a nerve. "I'm sorry, I didn't—" I stutter and she shakes her head, making me loose my train of thought.

"No, no. It's okay. Look, can we go somewhere? Because I really can't deal with this right now." "Rory, what is it? What's wrong?" I touch her arm and she opens her mouth to answer but whatever she was going to say is drowned out by the whoops, cheers, squeals and shouts of the Luke and Lorelei fan club that's on the other side of the wall I'm leaning against.

Rory's eyes grow huge and she sighs, dragging a hand down one side of her face, pulling the skin. She looks stressed and it's only now that I notice the deep purple bags under her eyes. I remember them from when we were younger, they appeared in the weeks leading up to her final exams at Chilton. I hate to see that they've returned, I don't want her to be tired and anxious. I want her to be happy.

"Hey, do you want to go somewhere and talk because I'm worried about—" "RORY! WHERE'S MY GIRL?" Lorelei's energetic and unmistakable voice travels from the other room, cutting me off and Rory visibly flinches. Is there some riff going on between her and her Mum I don't know about? No, there couldn't possibly be. I mean, I know about the falling out they had over her dropping out of Yale and taking refuge at her grandparents' place but they sorted that out when she returned to school and shook her doubts.

How she could ever have such strong doubts about her capability to make it as a journalist is beyond me since it's been clear from the start to anyone who's ever known her, that she definitely has what it takes to not just break into the media industry, but to take it by storm.

"Did something..is there a fight going on between you and your Mum that I—" "There you are!" Luke stands in the corridor, a big goofy grin on his lips, consuming his whole form. You could tell the man his diner burned down and I'm pretty sure it wouldn't penetrate the permanently happy mood his reconciliation with Lorelei has put him in.

"Lorelei, she's in here!" Luke calls over his shoulder. Rory's cheeks colour and she steps back from me. My heart might as well have been torn from my chest and splattered across the floorboards. "Well, so much for that…" I hear Rory mutter under her breath as she lets Luke guide her back into the main room.

"Time for LOBSTER!" I hear Uncle Luke announce excitedly, rubbing his hands together. Lorelei reaches out to loop an arm around both Luke and Rory on either side of her, grinning from ear to ear and nuzzling her face into Luke's neck affectionately. "Yes, you're finally getting your lobster, honey."

It's after the meal and Luke and Lorelei's first dance as "MR AND MRS LUKE DANES" that I manage to get Rory to talk to me again. I have to corner her by the doors to the kitchen. "Hey, what was that all about before? You seemed really distraught and I just wanted to make sure you were okay—"

"Well, I'm not! okay Jess? I'm not okay and things are not fine and there's nothing that I could possibly want less than to be at a wedding right now, I mean I really can't get the thought of what would've happened if I'd said yes, out of my head. The kind of life I would have had…would be so different and I don't know whether it'd be necessarily good different or bad different, just different different, you know what I mean?"

I swallow. "No. Absolutely not. I'm sorry to say you completely lost me. What are you trying to escape—" "Rory!" A voice somewhere in the hub of the room that sounds suspiciously like Emily Gilmore exclaims. "I have to go." Rory squeezes past me, our shoulders brushing and it kills me inside that she doesn't feel the spark of chemistry that I do whenever we're within arm's length of each other.

With a deep breath, I return to the gathering in the centre of the room and try to push Rory's confusing behaviour from my mind and enjoy the celebrations. After all, it's not everyday that your Uncle gets married, or at least not everyday that mine does. To be honest, I had little faith that Luke would ever get the courage up to go after Lorelei, let alone somehow convince her to marry him. Again.

A little over half way through the speeches, Lane comes over to me and passes me a note. I frown and she just knowingly smiles, her gaze dropping to her feet and walks away. I glance around, trying to spot Rory but she's nowhere to be found. So I do the one and only thing I can possibly think of doing right now; I unfold the note and turn it over. It just says one word. "Kitchen."

I look instinctively over at Luke and am only mildly surprised to find he's looking back at me already. He's always been way too overprotective. He just nods, a softness in his eyes that I don't think was ever plain to see before, but was probably always there somewhere. And it simply took Lorelei to bring it out.

Lorelei turns her head and smiles at Luke, her face full with a relaxed kind of happy. She reaches for his hand, wrapping her own over his and a calmness visibly courses through Luke. I can almost feel his heart pick up from where I stand several tables away.

I didn't return to my seat after my speech because I wanted to be able to intercept Rory easily if she got up at any stage. That and well, I also wanted another beer. If Rory thinks weddings aren't easy for her, she should trying be me. An occasion that celebrates love and all things white and poofy? I'll pass.

Lorelei follows Luke's steady gaze to me and something in her face changes. It's almost as though she's surprised. But even if Luke didn't run inviting me by her, surely the shock would've worn off by now. I mean, I did stand beside him at the alter and propose a toast in their honour only minutes before.

Now Luke's looking at her and frowning and they're craning their necks together, whispering low. I shake my head, trying to respect their privacy by not attempting to lipread whatever they're saying while simultaneously trying to adapt to them being back together.

And fuck me, if this time doesn't last, what with the rings and vows and names signed on the dotted line and all…it better work this time. Otherwise, I don't think Luke could survive another on-off again situation with Lorelei. His heart is already too far gone. He's always been so invested in whatever it is that's existed under the surface between them over all these years, even going back as far to when they were just friends.

Now what are they doing? Lorelei is close to waving her arms about in the air and causing a scene. Luke is gesturing wildly and mouthing something to me. It couldn't be….kitchen, could it? I swear that's it. That's what he's saying.

I look down at the now crumpled note in my hand and when I next look over, Lorelei has taken her napkin and is compulsively folding it and unfolding it. I nod, getting the message. She wants me to open the note again so I do, just in case i missed anything, any marking that could communicate what I think Lorelei is suggesting…that this is a note from Rory.

But no, nothing. No initials, no sign off whatsoever or any indication of who it is from. I squint at the handwriting. At first I figured it was Lane's but can't be sure since it was several years ago now that we attended Stars Hollow High together. Also, it's not like she sat anywhere near me in class anyways. She didn't pay me much attention in the beginning.

I always suspected that, like Dean back then, she found me threatening and imposing. As though I might steal Rory away from her the first chance I get. It wasn't like I ever even had the power to do that in the first place, or at any stage in our relationship anyway. But I just leave them to think what they will about me, no point getting worked up over it now. The days of me being an easily agitated insecure teenager, while secretly seeking acceptance, are well and truly over.

I always felt like an intruder in Stars Hollow and despite Luke's best and most noble efforts, unwanted. I wasn't needed here. I was an outsider which is essentially just an outer-towner, but y'know what small town dynamics are like. Suffocating, small minded, traditional and weary. Any or all apply at some point or another. Don't get me wrong, they can be great.

But for a seventeen year old with a sporadic mother who'd all but outwardly given up on her rebelling opinionated son and shipped him off to live with an Uncle they hadn't visited since childhood — well, let's just say there wasn't exactly a welcoming committee rolled out and leave it at that, shall we?

Fed up and slightly tipsy, I decide to just do what the note says. When in doubt, follow the first set of instructions one comes to, right? Isn't that what society's teaching youth these days? They might just make robots out of us yet.

I remember entering that kitchen like it was yesterday. There were people fussing about and darting in each and every direction and the cake towering over all other dishes, proudly and boldly. Sookie's really outdone herself this time, I'm practically drooling at the mouth just laying eyes on it.

"Psst." I turn around and finally spot her, standing still amongst all the chaos. Which seems appropriate considering she always was my anchor through the madness of my adolescent years. Even when she wasn't with me, her voice encouraging and chanting remained at the back of my mind, surging me forward in everything that I went after in life since running away from Stars Hollow.

I laugh as I make my way over to her. "Okay, now I'm even more confused, which I don't think was possible but silly me, to put even that past you. Of course, you're going to be cryptic the first time we see each other again since you came to my book signing. Only to run off back to the rich blondie, I might add."

"Jess." She whacks my arm playfully like she used to when we were together and I'd accidentally let an insult about the town, school or the locals slip out in front of her. I knew how furiously she stood by the town and all its values and silly events and traditions. It was her home, of course she loved it with her whole 'self, it was the only place she had ever known. Whereas to me, it was trying - and failing miserably at - living up to the comparison of New York.

"Look, you're not with that twat anymore, right? Like, you're broken up for real this time? Not just, oh he had a little tantrum and has run off on Daddy's private jet to Barcelona for the weekend to do shots off some other girl's stomach, only to come back begging mercilessly at your feet in a week's time?"

"I'm pretty sure you know his name is Logan." She says, rolling her eyes and folding her arms across her chest. "Yeah, yeah. But admit it, it's much more fun to take the opportunity to throw twat into a conversation." A small smile plays on her lips and I know I've won her over. For the first time in a long time, I let the victory fill me up and take a second to simply bask in the glory and pure satisfaction that comes with knowing I did that — I caused that cheeky, loveable smile to form on her face.

The kitchen staff are shouting now and yet another tray is wheeled out into the dining room. I find myself finally taking in our surroundings, aware that we're probably in someone's way right now and if not, in many people's way right now. "Hey, as much as I love this unique gossip spot, do you possibly think we could—" She nods and checks nobody's watching.

"I was just thinking the exact same thing." She agrees with me, offering her hand and taking a step back. I push down the unexpected nerves that surge through me and comfortably thread my fingers through hers. The next thing to occur was far from what I was expecting and probably a choice of hers which wouldn't have even made it onto the list of top ten predictions I would've made about she'd do next.

She pulls me into the pantry.

"Ror—oomph, what are we, um, what—" It's tight and compacted in here and suddenly white spots begin to appear at the edges of my vision as she tugs on a string and light erupts above us. It's not so bright once my eyes take a moment to adjust and the dazed look resting on her face indicates she's doing the same thing. "What are we doing in here?" It's hard to get out without laughing, but I manage. Just.

"What do you mean?" She tilts her head, her face impressively blank. She's really seriously trying to pull, that it's an ordinary occurrence for us to be in the pantry of her mother's Inn together, by me? Does she think I'm that dumb? "This." I go to gesture around us but realise my hand is still enclosed inside hers. My tongue goes pathetically limp inside my mouth and my blood might as well be on fire. That's really the kind of effect she has on me. Yes, even after her rejection at Yale and her choosing that blonde pompous ass over me — twice.

"Crazy how that familiarity doesn't ever seem to disappear between us, huh?" Her voice breaks at the end and when I finally tear my attention away from our joined hands, there are tears pooling in her eyes. And as badly I itch to wipe them away, I stop myself. Because that's just what she thinks I'm going to do.

"Don't change the subject..why are we in here, Rory?" I try to sound stern but it comes out closer to a whisper or a plea. I can't let her know that seeing her this vulnerable physically hurts me. She shakes her head and takes a deep breath, regaining her composure. I know i've done the right thing by not acknowledging her obvious state of distress, at least in that particular moment.

When did she step closer? She's practically up against me now and I try to push the thought of us simply recycling the air the other has already breathed, from my mind. Now is so not the time to overthink Jess, my brain warns. Don't sweat the small stuff.

"Rory, I don't know about this—" Anything that may've followed is swallowed up by her mouth on my own. I'm ashamed to say I didn't put up much of fight, or really, any resistance at all. But can you really blame me? If the girl from your past, the only one you've ever loved, the one you always thought wouldn't ever give a damn about you, kisses you in a darkened pantry at her mother's wedding to your uncle, are you seriously telling me you wouldn't go for it? Of course you would, any sane guy would.

My fingers find their way into her hair and the skin around my waistline tingles from where her warm hands rest, even through my suit clothes. "That was.." I stutter when we're finally forced to stop a minute, to remind ourselves to do that little minor thing - what was it again - oh yeah that's right, breathing.

"Jess.." She says, cupping my face in her hands. I move to kiss her knuckles and she stifles a moan. Next thing I know she's reaching over and pulling the cord, plunging us back into darkness and finding her arms around me again, closing all remaining space between us, our bodies in line. "I really needed this." She murmurs into my neck, trailing kisses down along my collarbone, undoing the top buttons of my shirt. "Wait, Rory…I'm not sure now's the right time for this. I mean, what about Sookie's maid of honour speech, do you really wanna miss that?" Rory scoffs gently instead of answering and pulls my neck down to kiss some more.

I don't know how long we spend locking lips in the dark but I realise I have to stop this before it goes any further and one of us ends up looking back on this night with regret and shame. My suit jacket has long been shed and most of my buttons are undone by now, with the zip on her dress slightly lowered, allowing me to rest my left hand on the bare skin of her back. I can't believe she's giving me the go-ahead to take the dress off her, something I've wanted for so long and yet, I'm stopping it - me.

"Stop. Wait. We have to." I say, more urgently this time. "Why?" She poses and it's in that moment, that it becomes clear. That one single word is all I need to hear to know Rory Gilmore is not herself tonight. She would never jump right back into something like this, especially with me out of all people. She would never ordinarily act so careless, hasty and quite frankly, selfishly.

She has not once throughout all of this, checked I'm okay, though I've numerous times done for her, or paused to consider where her Mum might think she is right now and how Lorelei will feel later, knowing her daughter missed out on the afterparty of her wedding.

She's missing Lorelei's wedding - to Luke! - and it's all because she's with me in a pantry. The Rory I always knew would never want things to happen this way. She also would never not overthink this entire situation. She would never act on her impulses so feverishly and in the manner that she has tonight. Then I remember the note.

"Was it your handwriting or Lane's?" I ask, stalling for time as she runs her hands through my hair, messing it up, kissing my whole face. "What?" She pauses. "Mine. Why do you ask?" She adds, a beat later. "I dunno..just curious, I guess." I flinch at the lameness of my reply, glad for the cloak of darkness which ensures she doesn't see this.

And back to the snogging we go.

"Rory, god, I can't believe i'm even saying this but we…we can't do this here, now." "Jess, relax. It's okay." If I don't step back now, I'll be in too deep. I can't feel her lips over mine again and pull away. I feel her reach for me again and I pinch myself. Then I step back, before tugging at the empty space behind me. The light illuminates the room. I forgot how bright it was. My eyes spin, my head spins but heart may as well have dropped to my stomach. The devastation on her face is guttering.

"Jess, what are you—" "I want this as much as you. Trust me, I do. But.." "But nothing. We both want the same thing and this is our shot, Jess. We might not get another spare second alone, so I had to do something. You weren't kick starting this so I knew if I didn't make a move soon, nothing was going to happen. I gave Lane that note and asked her to pass it to you right after my speech but she got delayed with her twins and we lost a bit of time there but that's—" I take her hand in mine, hardly able to breathe as I say this. "Rory, it's your mother's wedding. And it's Luke's."

She mock laughs at me, lifting her shoulders and letting them fall. "I know who's getting married. God, I'm not that wasted, am I?" "My Uncle Luke's." I continue as though she'd never interrupted. "We should be out there with them, now. You know we should, it's the right thing to do. They're both the most important people in our worlds. If you were yourself, there's no way you'd miss this."

"Stop. Okay?" She manages a tight smile, shifting the way she's standing and bringing her hand to rest along my jawline. I lean into it as a reflex more than anything else. She was right earlier, when she pointed out how the familiarity between us has never faded away. I still feel so comfortable with her, things between us just slot back into place as though we're seventeen again and she's fresh out of her first relationship with Dean and eagerly diving into her second with me.

"It's really sweet that you don't want me to miss out on Mum and Luke's special day, but trust me I'm not missing anything and she's definitely not going to come looking for me." "What do you mean by that?" "She knows we're in here, Jess."

"Well, not here, here, specifically but she knows we're off somewhere together, is what I meant to say. The minor details are not important." She leans in to kiss me again and I pause, darting out of her direct byline. Her brow knits together, confusion dawning on her face. "Do you not want to be in here with me?" "No." I cut in before she's barely phrased the full question. "Of course, I want to be here with you now, maybe not in here specifically but the general idea is, yes well, certainly something I've thought a lot about and.."

She's smiling and I'm reminded of so many memories, so many late night conversations on the phone about books and music and politics, about New York and Stars Hollow and the many ways in which they differ. About Yale and the future she'd always planned to chase. Flashbacks and echoes blink behind my eyes of the days we'd walk, hand in hand and side by side, from one end of town to the other, swinging our arms, laughing and joking about stuff that I find to be so meaningless and mediocre, looking back on it now.

"How does your Mum know we're together? I mean, she couldn't possibly know because there's no way we'd be here if she did know. There's no way she'd be okay with us being—" "Hey, calm down. Breathe." She places both hands on my shoulders, grinning mischievously at me, teasingly. I'm pretty sure every nerve ending in my entire body is awake now and on high alert, that's if they were any left which weren't already sparked, by the way she confidently tugged me into the cupboard with her.

"Mum knows because we talked about it and well, she told me to go for it with you. She knows firsthand how unlucky we've always been with timing and she pointed out to me that now could be it." "Could be what exactly?" "Our moment. Our time. Our right—" "Now? Now as in at the wedding reception?" "No, silly." She playfully rolls her eyes and bats my upper arm — both of which are things, Rory never would've been caught dead doing during our high school years.

"Now, as in this time in our lives. We're both older now, we've each made something of ourselves. Although, admittedly I do still have quite a while to go, what with the breaking into the media world and all, but I do have a graduation with honours from Yale up my belt and then there's that whole thing with being editor of the Yale Daily News and the internship with Mitchum Huntzburger at the Stamford Gazette and well…"

"So that's it." I pinch the bridge of my nose, and as a result unintentionally push her hands away. She lets them fall to her sides and smooths down the tight material of her dress. "What's it?" She replies. I can't believe I didn't consider this until now. The casual way she dropped his family name into conversation tells me so much that I was clearly just trying to ignore at all costs.

"That's what this is all about. Now it's finally out in the open." "What's out in the open? Jess, come on, now totally isn't the time to be cryptic!" "Me? I'm being cryptic? Oh, that's rich coming from you, Little Miss gives Lane a note to give to me and disappears during the speeches and pulls me into the pantry at your mum's inn and tries to have her way with me!" Rory faux gasps and crosses her arms over her chest. "Oh, please! Don't try and pin that on me! As if I would ever have my way with anyone! Gross, Jess! I'm not just taking advantage of you! It's more than that."

"Well, what would you call it, then?" "Huh?" She points out her bottom lip further than the top, almost like pouting but not quite. "THIS, Rory, whatever's supposedly between us," I pause to gesture from her to me and back a few times. "What is it?!" "I don't know, okay?" I open my eyes wider — so the truth finally comes out. And fuck, does it hurt.

"And why do I have to know, right now, right away? It's too soon to really know anything for sure, isn't it? Who says we find the real thing at twenty one years old and who says, you're supposed to sacrifice things for the real thing? Being as young as we are, I don't feel ready to fully—" "Twenty one? What, Rory, don't you mean seven—OHHH." The realisation that she's not referring to us — her and me — hits like a ton of bricks. No, that's not possibly near painful enough, try several dozen tons of bricks and a sledgehammer driving into my skull. Then maybe, MAYBE you'll be getting close to replicating the kind of pure agony I felt in that exact moment.

It's at this point, that I realise Rory's been mindlessly blabbering this whole time while I've been lost in my own thoughts and simply just somewhere else entirely, far from here in this cupboard with her. "…Settling down so young, and where's the fun in that? Avocado trees really aren't that great, y'know, they're hardly ever in season and are just completely —"

"Rory?" I interrupt. "Yeah?" She finally stops talking about nothing I know anything about and falls silent. "It's Logan, isn't it?" I ask, keeping my expression as blank as a board. "Hey, you finally used his real name!" She exclaims, beaming proudly at me like I'm a little kid who's just written his name right for the first time. But all i can think now is woah, I don't recall the scent of red wine being quite that strong on her breath only minutes before.

When I don't reply, she forces herself to squint at me, up and down, before actually acknowledging what i've said. "You said it's him, um.. what's him?" She answers, dumbly. "The reason why you're doing this, acting this way tonight. He's the thing you're running from, what you're wanting to escape! It all makes so much more fucking sense now!" I sigh and start doing up the buttons of my shirt. "Oh, no. No, don't do that, don't be like that. Wait, Jess, you don't—" "I don't, what, Rory? What were you going to say? Please do, go on. Say it. Because i'd be really interested to see what rabbit you can pull out of the hat of glorious Gilmore excuses this time."

"You don't— I can't.. that's not it." She stutters, stumbling over her words. "This isn't about him, okay? This has got nothing to with him." "You can't even look me in the eye when you say those words, Rory! You do realise that, don't you? You didn't meet my gaze that entire sentence!" She peels her attention away from the shelves of food and shamefully shrugs.

"Things aren't finished between you two, are they? You're still with him, aren't you? Fuck, I'm so stupid. How did this happen? How did we get here, again, Rory? I swore I'd stop letting you walk all over me the next time we saw each other." "I don't walk all over you! How dare you say that!" "I'm pretty sure that you do, Rory, otherwise how else can you explain how we landed ourselves in the kitchen pantry of Lorelei's fucking inn?!"

"Look, you've got it all wrong." She rubs her temple on the side of her head, clearly getting stressed. "Logan and I…we're definitely done. We're over, 'fin. There's no future there."

"How can you be so sure? I saw how you two were together, Rory and personally? I found the guy to be a complete and utter tosser, but that's just me. What do I know, right? Obviously you saw something in him, otherwise you wouldn't have given him the time of day, but you did and now look where it's gotten us. So, what is it this time? What kind of trouble in paradise has been stirred up this time by the privileged pompous ass Huntzburger who's never had to go without, a single crumby day of his life?!"

"What is it going to take for you to believe me when I say, Logan is out of the picture and out of my life for good?!" she explodes, short circuiting with me. "I don't know. Truthfully, I don't think there's anything you could say that would convince me of that, Rory. From what I hear, you two have been on and off for the better half of your time at Yale."

"Where did you hear that?" "Small town. Small gossip. People talk. I would think you, out of all people, would have learnt this by now." "Okay, what the hell is that supposed to mean, Jess?" She puts her hands on her hips and tilts her head at me, fixing me with the same challenging half glare, half stare-down look she'd use on me when we were younger.

Now it's my turn to dumbly shrug and I can practically see the frustration course through her. I imagine smoke coming out of her ears, which have turned pink at the tips as a direct result of the tense turn this conversation's swiftly spun in. "He proposed, okay?"

Um, WHAT. There are rarely moments in life when I am rendered speechless or when my mind has what people immaturely dub, a brain fart, draining it and me of the ability to form coherent sentences. And yet, this is one of those moments. It seems, I am suddenly overwhelmed with the anxiety that any prior knowledge of the English language, I possessed, has evaporated into thin air.

"He asked you to..to..marry…him?" She nods and then hastily reaches for my hands, threading our fingers together again. By this point, I've run out of buttons to do up on my shirt and had started glancing around for my suit jacket.

"But I said no. I knew, in my heart, I couldn't marry him. We're still so young, Jess. How can any of us possibly be expected to get married? I hardly even know what's going on inside my own head most days. It's enough of a challenge to have to regulate our own mood swings and out of whack emotions at our age, without adding the additional challenge of being responsible for someone else's mood swings and thoughts. Marriage is a huge deal. I should know. After all, I've only watched my Mum run from it a thousand times over. Marriage means business, in my eyes. It's the joining of two lives, two separate entireties becoming one intergrading and—"

"Yeah, okay. Enough with the Oxford definition of marital oath, okay." I retort smugly. "I don't want to hear this, Rory. I can't hear this. It's too much, it's not.." I continue before trailing off. "Not, what?" she asks. "Not how this is supposed to go." I gently pull my hand free from her hold and nudge open the pantry door with a bump of my shoulder, leaving her standing alone. "Jess, hey, wait." She calls over my shoulder but I resist the instinct to look back.

And just like that, I'm dragged right back into reality as quickly as I let it all drop away. Of course the kitchen couldn't be empty, as I embarrassingly step out from a walk-in cupboard of food with what is no doubtingly, a pained look on my face and could equally be perceived as a guilty one.

"Hey." Lorelei's sitting on one of the benches in the kitchen, swinging her legs with a paper plate in one hand that has a half eaten piece of cake on it and a plastic fork in the other. Sookie's laughing, at something Lorelei must've said only seconds before I stumbled in on them, while carefully and tentatively hauling the remains of the big ass wedding cake into the Inn's master freezer.

"Uh, hi." I mumble back, finally finding my voice. I hope she doesn't think I'm being short or rude with her. It's just after the close and tight proximity I was in with her daughter and the un-saintly things that aforementioned daughter was saying as she trailed kisses on every exposed surface of my skin, I'm feeling slightly uncomfortable to find myself in Lorelei's presence right now.

An awkward silence falls on the room, weighing down the air and making my feet feel cemented to the spot. Sookie sends a partly sympathetic half smile my way as she struggles with the cake. "Here, let me help you with that." I blurt, rushing forward to free her from the burden of some of the cake's weight. "Oomph, thanks." She says under the cake's huge form. "How is there this much left over? The whole town was here. You'd think an entire town would be capable of devouring at least one whole cake between them, even if that cake is the biggest I've ever seen." I say, having to take a breath at the end because I said too much too fast.

"Oh, why, thank you." Sookie beams from ear to ear and Lorelei laughs in the background, shoving a forkful of cake into her mouth. Clearly, neither of them picked up on my talking too fast to compensate for something. instead Sookie took it as complement. Right, that's good, I guess, I can work with that.

"But, truthfully, this wasn't the only cake." She adds as we're finally able to let go of the cake. "It wasn't?" I ask, now only half paying attention and rapidly losing any mild interest I previously may've had. Why? Because Lorelei's gaze has fallen somewhere behind me. I turn, expecting to see Rory but there's nothing there but the closed pantry door. I spin back to Sookie, only this time I walk over to Lorelei, stopping before her. She gives me a nod by way of greeting.

"Where's Luke?" I ask, believing it to be a valid question. "Funny you ask that, since he seems to be going out of his right mind conducting a witch hunt for you." Sookie replies with an amount of innocence so extreme it couldn't be put on for show. I look from her, then back to Lorelei.

As Sookie chuckles to herself, clearly still on a high from the wedding of her two best friends, and turns away, I mouth the words "she doesn't know?" over her shoulder to Rory's Mum. Lorelei nods and then grins at me. "So, you kids have fun then?" Lorelei says, winking and jabbing a shoulder in the direction of the pantry. I run my hand through my hair and attempt to erase any indication of a post make-out session state my hair may've taken on.

"Yeah, um Rory mentioned you knew where we were. Or at least, that we were together. Does this mean that you give your permission? That you approve?" Sookie whips her head around so fast, I fear it might roll off her shoulders at any given second. "of her and Luke?" Obviously having only tuned in to the concluding minority of what I said, Sookie energetically rushes on, running with the idea that I was referring to Luke and Lorelei instead of me and Rory.

"Of course, she approves! She did just marry the damn man, didn't she? Goodness, you really ought to get your head out of those books and ears out of that music you were always cranking from above Luke's diner as a kid and pay more attention to what's happening around you! because let me tell you, escapism is no way to—" "Okay, Sookie, honey. I think that's enough on the lecture, don't you?" Lorelei swiftly intercepts before things get heated. I'll admit I didn't appreciate the path Sookie was going down.

It seems nothing's changed in terms of the town's strict clean-cut values and self-righteous attitude that makes everyone here believe they have any ground to stand on to pass judgement on me or anyone for that matter. Nobody in this good-for-nothing, hillbilly haystack town knows the first thing about me and yet, they're still right there, quick and willing to jump in and give their two cents. I am still so sick of it. And I don't even come back here that often these days. No wonder seventeen year old me rebelled every chance I got after stepping off that bus.

I have nothing against Sookie and I used to have a fair bit of respect for her, since she always stood up for Lorelei and Rory and seemed like a honest person about town. I liked the idea of someone — other than their uptight and conservative grandparents — who the girls could fall back on.

I knew they'd always have Luke - or at least I hoped, since for a little while there, things were looking pretty close to ruined beyond repair for Luke and Lorelei. I guess, it just helped to know Rory, and even her mother too, could go to someone they trusted and who would put them first in hard times. The thought of Rory alone, without anybody to turn to on the confused dark days, makes me ache in places I didn't even think possible.

"Do you think you could give us a moment?" Lorelei's asking Sookie and nodding her head toward the exit. Sookie's eyebrows shoot up but to her credit, she simply licks her lips, mockingly bows and spins around on her heels, heading for the exit. Something I'd very much like to be doing right about now.

"Your every wish is my command, or at least for the remainder of your special day. That is, after all, my sole duty as your maid of honour." Sookie squeals, interrupting herself on the word "honour." Her face lights up, although to be fair, it's not as though it's dimmed at all throughout this whole night. "I'm still speechless that you picked me, out of everyone, even Rory and I know you ran the idea by her first and she encouraged you to pick me but it's still so—" "Yeah, I know, honey." Lorelei smiles, gently waving Sookie off.

"How long were we in there for?" I say, jabbing a thumb over my shoulder, but without looking back. I suspect it'll only cause me to race back in there and pick up right where Rory and I left off. I have no clue what she's still doing in there, I should probably go check she hasn't hit her head on some shelf or something, since she hasn't made a noise in a while. God, it's so unlike Rory to be this drunk. For the first few seconds after I left the pantry, I heard her banging and clanging around in there, almost as though she was looking for something.

"Not as long as you might think." Lorelei answers as I pointedly look at the paper plate of cake in her hand. She takes one more bite and then places it down. "We did have cake though." She admits. "And some more dancing, mingling and jokes since you two wandered off." Okay, so obviously a lot more time had passed than she's letting on.

Regardless of Rory's persistent reassurance that her Mum knew we were together and approved, I still feel I should clear the air. "Yeah, about that." I start, referring to her mentioning our wandering off.

"Look, I want you to know I didn't draw her away or encourage her to miss the wedding. I would never do that, I may've in the past but—" "You don't have to prove to me that you've changed, 'Mariano." She says, dropping my last name as though we're old footy mates from High School instead of the ex of her daughter and the wife of my uncle having a somewhat confusing and all over the place conversation in the kitchen of the Inn she owns while her wedding celebrations continue on around us.

"I know that you've changed, that you've grown. I can see it. Luke's been trying to tell me for years that you've come into yourself more. And I never believed it until today, but I really and honestly do now." "Yeah?" "Yeah. The fact that you even remotely care about how drawing Rory away might upset me tells me everything I need to know." She pauses and a beat goes by. "You asked me before if I approve?"

I swallow, making no effort to confirm this, though perhaps simply knowing deep down that no confirmation is needed. After all, I did ask that and we both heard how foreign and unexpected it sounded in my voice.

"Well, I can honestly say, now knowing how far you've come from the person you once were—" "You mean, the no-good kid I used to be?" "No, Jess. You're were never a no-good. Hell, you make it sound like you were some kind of delinquent." "Because I was." I retort, to which she just presses her lips together and leans back on her hands. "You were just lost." She corrects, after a few seconds of thought. "Okay, fine. Lost. Whatever." I shrug and she sighs. "Back to what I was saying.." She gives me a look and I just nod, folding my hands together at my front, waiting for her to continue.

"Weirdly enough, even with me marrying your Uncle Luke, I think you and Rory stand a better chance now than you ever did before and maybe, just maybe, with a little patience on your part, considering she's not really in the best place emotionally right now — and some honest effort and commitment on her part, the two of you together could make—"

"Jess, I found it!" Rory bursts from the cupboard, flinging the door back against the wall and triumphantly holding up my suit jacket. Lorelei's jaw drops open momentarily, since she's quick to correct herself. Pushing herself into an upright sitting position once more, instead of casually leaning back, Lorelei returns to swinging her legs and yawns.

It becomes clear to me I will now never know where she was going with that speech. Even with everything she hinted at, I still can't be sure she approves of Rory and I giving things another go between us. She never came right out and stand it straight to me.

"Mum, what are you doing in here? Shouldn't you be cutting the cake with Luke?" Lorelei and I share a look, before she drops down from the bench and walks over to Rory. Tugging some loose strands of hair behind Rory's right ear, Lorelei kisses her daughter's forehead.

"Actually, it's probably closer to the tradition of the guests seeing us off than it is to the cake cutting, my dear." Rory frowns and I resist the urge to face palm myself. "How much have you had to drink tonight?" Lorelei asks and Rory starts chewing on the inside of her cheek.

Lorelei tuts, though she's smiling a lopsided grin so we both know she's not really mad. After all, how could she? Rory's been of legal age for several years now. "What's happening in here, then?" Luke announces his entrance, smiling from Lorelei to Rory to me. I groan, looking down to the floor and Luke laughs, moving over to me and slapping me affectionately on the back.

"Is it time to go?" Lorelei asks, gathering some of her dress up in one hand and lifting it as she walks to stand by Luke. It seems they gravitate towards each other in every room they share and something tells me this is a habit can't just be simply put down to the fact that it's their wedding and will continue long after just tonight.

"Yeah, nearing it. You ready to go?" Luke answers his wife, as she cuddles into his side and he kisses the side of her head. Rory sways, tripping over her own two feet and I fly to her side, reacting automatically. She grabs ahold of my arm for support as soon as I'm close enough and I stifle my pride as I bring my arm around her waist, taking it upon myself to keep her upright. I try to ignore how noticeably she relaxes and how calmly she leans into me just like Lorelei does with Luke. She'd lean on anybody right now, that bratty voice inside my head that only ever speaks the harsh truth hisses at me.

"You alright there, Yale Graduate?" Luke jokes and Lorelei only just stops herself from bursting out laughing. I smirk at them, knowing they feel the same way about this situation as I do. This isn't Rory. She'd never act this way. Something's gotta be really wrong to make her behave like this. "I think she's in safe hands." Lorelei tilts Luke's chin down and kisses his lips slowly. I avert my eyes but it seems in Rory's drunken state she forgets all social protocol and hiccups loudly instead. "EW, GROSS MUM, STOP!" Accidentally slapping herself in the face, she hastily cups a hand over her eyes.

With Lorelei's comment of entrusting me with Rory running through my mind, I gently move Rory's hand away from her face. "Let's go." "Hey," Luke turns just before walking out, locking eyes with me. "Look after her, a'right Jess? You're responsible for making sure she gets home safe. Got it?" I nod, biting my bottom lip. "Got it, Uncle Luke." Lorelei lets out a bemused giggle, grabbing at Luke's chest. "Baby, I think he'll be just fine. I trust him." "Oh, you do, do you? What's changed?" A questioning expression settles on Luke's face.

Meanwhile my palm becomes clammy, as I'm still holding onto Rory who's taken to resting her face on my shoulder, her breathing slowing with every second that passes us by.

"Nothing's changed. Whatever are you talking about, I always trusted him. After all, who wouldn't trust a kid who paints the outline of a dead body outside Doosey's Market at 17 years old or ditches school to work at Walmart instead and never runs it by his Uncle a.k.a guardian?" Lorelei jokes and I roll my eyes.

"That was the old me." I answer. "Careful, Mister. I wouldn't get too used to letting that phrase roll off the tongue so quick." "Why's that?" I reply, partially sarcastic.

"Because the old you was actually quite well-liked by some people in this room, you might even say loved." Lorelei is quick to reply, ready with her answer and even tilts her head at Rory after she's said her piece, as if that wasn't already obvious enough on it's own.

"Alright, before you say too much, let's get you home, Mrs Danes." Luke pinches her side gently and Lorelei squeals out of child-like delight and smiles wide. "I like the sound of that." "You and me both." Luke replies and they kiss once more.

"Alright guys, geez. Enough with the PDA, yeah? I'm happy for you, but it's getting a bit much.." They break apart and Lorelei laughs at me, while Luke forges a look of confusion. "I'm sorry. What was that?" He cups a hand over his ear, faking having not heard me. I roll my eyes yet again and Rory starts. I look to my side and she's blinking, yawning and bringing her hand up to cover her mouth. "Did you just fall asleep, standing up?" Lorelei asks, scoffing. "I guess I did…" Rory's voice trails off and she looks to me for confirmation, a startled expression on her face.

I laugh and Luke's face falls. He's obviously worried and unhappy with Rory's confusing and messy state. I wish I could reassure him somehow that she'll be okay, better than okay. She's overcome this, of course she will. She always does. But something tells me, there's no way of me saying that without it sounding like I'm still in love with her - which I am, but there's really no need for them to know that - so I stay quiet.

"Rory, Jess is going to take you home, okay?" Lorelei says in a soothing voice. Rory's face scrunches up and she leans away from me. How sweet. "Mum, don't talk to me like I'm a baby. I'm going to be twenty three this year and.." Rory hiccups.

Lorelei rolls her eyes and moves to rub Rory's back. She opens her mouth to say something but Sookie bursts through the door, leaving it swinging behind her. "What are you guys still doing in here? Everybody's gathered on the Inn's front porch to see you off! Come on, lovebirds, it's time to start your life together." She grabs Lorelei's arm and Luke's, hauling them off, despite the protests which echo after them as they leave.

She turns to me and sighs. "Why can't I stop yawning?" "Because it's been a big night." I reply and gesture to the back exit. "Shall we?" "But what about Mum and Luke's farewell?" "Do you really wanna go out there and deal with everybody again? In the state you're in?" She frowns at me. "Hey!" She remarks defensively. "I'm not trying to be mean, I'm simply stating a fact." I hold my hands up, mocking surrender. She stares at me, long and hard, thinking it over.

"Because we can if you really want. Go out there and join everybody on the deck. I have no issue going back out there but then again, I'm not the daughter of the bride. Y'know, someone who they're going to want to pay special attention to.." She takes the bait and agrees to leave out the side door with me. I shut it slowly behind us, careful not to make a sound, even though there's no way anybody would hear us over the cheers and wolf whistles filling the air from the front of the property.

I retrieve my keys from the inside of my jacket and swing the keyring around my finger, as we approach the car. "Do you think Mum was disappointed in me?" Rory asks, stopping still and shivering. I can't tell if it's at the mere prospect of letting Lorelei down or because of the cold. I shrug off my jacket, deciding it's best to offer it to her either way. She shakes her head, declining, almost instantly. I keep my face blank, conscious as to hide that this bothers me.

Yet, as I retract my arm which extends the coat, she snatches at it while chewing at her cheek again. "Thank you." She half whispers, slipping her arms through the sleeves, gratitude brushing over her features. I just clip a nod in her general direction and focus myself on opening her door for her. I can't think about how it makes me feel to see her wearing my suit jacket. Or how nights like this, being together at events and leaving together, is what I've always held out that small sliver of hope for. I guess you could say, what I've always wanted.

She thanks me again as she slips past me, settling herself into the car seat. I don't bother asking if she needs help with the seat belt and instead, tug it out and draw it across her. She laughs, touching my upper arm. "Jess, I think I can do that myself. I'm not a child." I click it into place and draw back only slightly, looking her in the eye and still half leaning over her. "You seem really adamant to prove tonight that you're mature and responsible." "Not a child." She repeats, a firm look set in her face.

I consider saying more but decide it's probably best to pull back. But right as I do, however, she grabs ahold of me and tugs me back closer to her. "Rory.." She strokes my cheek, running her fingers along my jaw and making every hair on my body stand up on end. She kisses me slowly at first and then building. I gently but determinedly push her back against her seat, breaking the joining of our lips.

"You can't keep doing this." I say slowly, my voice rising with the mix of emotions drawing up inside of me. "Don't you mean we can't keep doing this, because well, this isn't exactly a one person job, y'know?" She giggles, rubbing at her eyes but keeping one hand lightly on my shoulder. Is she really flirting with me right now? Who does she think I am? Doesn't she realise we don't flirt? We never did. Our relationship was built more on books, our stubborn debating and mutual intellect than airhead stuff like flirting and drawn out touches, leaning ins and sex teases.

"I'm not the one orchestrating these occurrences, Rory. That all comes down to you. And we both know, it isn't fair on me." I pull back for real this time, all the way and her delicate hand falls from my shoulder. Glancing once more to check she's buckled up, I slam the door shut and kick at the ground, moving around the front of the car. Sliding into the driver's side, I plunge the keys in the slot and turn, starting up the engine.

"Jess.." "Just, don't Rory. Don't even bother." "Don't be like that. Look, we should talk. I know I've treated you poorly tonight, but it's got less to do with you specifically and more to do with me and the choices I've made in recent days and well, my coming to terms with—" "With what, Rory? With the life you supposedly gave up? The life you would've — could've had with Logan? Is that really what this is still about? Do you expect me to fall for that one? Again? Because if you wanna hear what I think, I don't believe for one second that this is really actually about him at all, Rory! I believe it's about you!"

"What about me, exactly?" She retorts, angling her body in the passenger seat to face me as much as the seat belt will allow. I groan and shake my head, placing my hands on the wheel and pulling into reverse. "I don't want to get into this with you, right now. You're drunk and I'm tired and it's late." We drive around the Inn and Rory's attention is momentarily drawn away from me and the heated discussion we're having to what's happening outside. Her head turns, her eyes following outside the window as we drive past.

All the wedding guests, save for us, are standing in a cluster around the veranda of the Dragonfly and even trailing down onto the front lawn, throwing confetti up in the air and waving their hands about. It seems everyone has smiling faces, tearful cheeks and happy eyes, looking at Lorelei and Luke make their way down the steps with warm expressions.

I tighten my grip on the steering wheel as we finally approach the exit of the property. Rory hasn't turned back to face me, as though if she keeps staring out her window, her Mum and Luke will reappear there on the Dragonfly steps and have never frayed from our view. I don't make a sound, partly because I don't know what to say if I did try to talk and partly because I'm afraid of what might come out. Of myself and of her. So, we drive on in silence for quite a while.

When she finally straightens up again and stops only having her back to me, I feel myself relax slightly. I hadn't realised how tense my muscles had made themselves until now. I hear her hiccup again and then take a long breath in. She holds it for a few seconds before releasing. That sparks my interest, so I tentatively draw my gaze from the road to glance at the space beside me for a brief moment.

There are tears streaming down not just her cheeks but her whole face. I'd forgotten how much of a messy cryer she's always been. I wish I had tissues or a hankie or something, anything to give her that she could wipe them away with or at the very least shield her face with.

I know how much she despises crying in public. And even though, I'd hardly call my car public I know Rory counts that as being anything other than alone when it comes to her meltdowns. "You can use the sleeves to wipe your snot on if you want… or your eyes." I finally say, my voice husky from being silent for so long. Suddenly I notice how scratchy my throat's become and try to think back to when the last time I drank something was since my mouth is almost abnormally dry.

She laughs carefully, a small insignificant one. "I don't have snot." She adds, sniffling. I try not to smile at that. "Why are you crying?" I ask. We've always been direct, upfront, and straight to the point with each other. Or at least, I've always intended for us to be. Undeniably there have been times when this hasn't worked out, but never the less, I vow to resort to it now.

"I-I.." She stops and touches her knuckles to her lips, breathing in and out, waiting before trying again. "I love Luke and I'm so happy that Mum's finally married him. I've known they're right for each other for years now and I never questioned whether Mum did too. Deep down, I suspect she's always felt that gravitational pull toward him. She tells me she's never known love before Luke. He's it for her, y'know.." Her voice trails off and she swallows, struggling. Now I'm wishing I had some water to offer her. Though I'd no doubt also sneak a sip myself.

"I guess, I'm crying for the same reason I had a drink tonight…and then another and then another." She looks over to me, as I shift my hold on the steering wheel. I briefly meet her gaze. She shakes her head and then sinks back into the car seat, slouching and resting her head back below the headrest now. "I don't know how I got here, Jess." I press my lips together. Well, here it comes, is all I can think. I'm finally going to get what I've been waiting for all night long, what I was expecting from the moment I uncurled that note that said kitchen.

I never, in my wildest dreams, would've suspected that she wanted to make out in the pantry when I first read that. No way. Instead I assumed it meant we were going to talk. But not just talk. I could've been sure I was going to be met with none other than a classic, timeless, Rory Gilmore rant. And now, in my car as we pass the "Welcome to Stars Hollow" sign, reentering the town with nothing lighting up the night except the headlights of my car, that's just what I'm going to get.

"How did my life become such a mess? How did I become such a mess? God, I barely know who I am anymore. That sounds even worse out loud." She covers her face with both her hands and groans. "I always figured the weeks, months even, which followed my graduation from Yale, or Harvard — whichever, would be a really amazing time in my life, y'know? The kind of time that's filled to the brink with choices and hope and endless possibility. I would be a college graduate, finally done with school, with my studies. I'd have my journalism and media and communications degrees and I'd feel, maybe not on top of the world, but as close as I've ever gotten to elation…"

"And, you aren't feeling that?" I prompt after almost a minute has passed. She doesn't pause to mull over an answer, but rather dives right back in, feet first. "Mostly, I'm feeling confused and exhausted. Maybe a bit deflated and a whole lot bored." "Bored? You? Never." I joke and she laughs, though it's only another small one.

"Okay, you're right. Bored was a poor choice of words. What I mean to say, is y'know the endless possibility I mentioned earlier? Well, it's daunting. More so than I think I ever could've prepared myself for. It's exactly what they tell you, endless. It might as well be a black bottomless abyss, a void, a huge giant—"

"Okay, I think I get it.." I interrupt before she turns the corner of just providing me with countless synonyms for endless. "Right, sorry. Didn't meant to get off track." She blushes and I ignore the urge to put my hand over her knee, comforting her and reassuring her I love everything she says and everything she goes off on tangents about because I love her and she could never say anything that I didn't want to hear.

Except maybe, the harsh "Jess, what are you doing here?" when I caught her out with Dean at her dorms at Yale or the "no" she breathed when I told her not to say no unless she really didn't want to start building a future with me. Yeah, you could say those were examples of two rare occasions when it honestly could've saved a lot of hurt to have not heard her familiar comforting voice utter those words. The voice that's usually associated with my favourite memories.

"I want to move forward, but at the same time I don't know how to and I'm afraid. It sounds cowardly and childish, but that's the truth. Maybe I am still just a child. Maybe I have no idea what I'm doing and that scares me more than I'd like to admit." "You're not a coward or a child." I put in, as she tries to pull her knees up to her chest, though failing miserably when she realises she's wearing a tighter dress than would allow for this.

"You're just saying that because you got conned into driving me home and—" "And nothing. I'm not just saying it, Rory. You should know by now, I'm not the kind of person to just say things. I mean what I say." I feel her eyes on me, so I turn my head to see her. Her expression is soft and considering. She's thinking. I learnt to look for the telltale signs before we even first got together, in the early stages of our friendship — if you could even call it that — so I find myself still able to notice when I've lost her to her deep thoughts.

"You're right. You've always said the honest truth and nothing but the truth." She begins, folding her hands together in her lap as I return my attention to the road. It won't be long until we're pulling into her drive now. "Which is what I think I've known all night long, why I've been drawn to you." "I thought it was my warm, welcoming personality and my natural charisma." I say, fake flicking my hair, though it's not long enough to do one of those wanker hair tousles that boys in pop bands do.

She laughs for real this time, finally. "You, charismatic? Never." She throws my own saying back at me from earlier. "Okay, that's fair. I deserve that." I answer, momentarily drawing my hands away from the wheel to surrender and smile at her. "All's fair in love and war." She recites, smiling too and glancing out the window.

My hands slip from the wheel, after only just returning my grip and I have to consciously not let them fall from the shock. I find myself unable to swallow. What she said hit way too close to home with what Lorelei pointed out earlier. As stupid as it sounds, I walked into this day, not once thinking of the word love and how hearing Lorelei say it in reference to me and Rory might feel and then just now hearing Rory, herself, say it in my presence. Neither were circumstances I expected to occur and yet, both of which I found myself facing.

If you were asking yourself right now, who walks into a wedding not thinking about love? Well, let's just said you're likely not alone in thinking this. I guess, that's pretty weird..but it's not like I'm someone who's ever spent a great deal of time thinking about that word or what it represents. Hell, just allowing my mind to drift back to all the times I could've uttered it to Rory frustrates me. And all the times I definitely felt it with her laughing beside me or reading silently, leaning into my side on the park bench or as I waited for her to step down from the bus back from Chilton, excited to pull her close, ask about her day and kiss her.

"Nothing's fair in love and war." I correct, turning the wheel and lifting my foot off the accelerator, slowing us down. She snaps to attention, looking straight at me but I don't acknowledge her eyes on me, not this time. I concentrate on driving. "Jess.." "What were you going to say? Before. You said the reason that I speak the truth is why you've been drawn to me all night.." "Oh. Yeah, um." She licks her lips and unfolds her hands, cupping one other the other instead.

"Well…" "We're here." I say, filling the silence she's never going to and bringing the car to a stop. When I glance at her, she's looking downward, at her lap.

"Huh?" She starts and lifts her head. "Oh, I suppose we are, wow, that went quick." She unbuckles and I cringe as she lets the belt go and it flings into the glass. "Sorry. I didn't mean to." She fixes it to it's place and touches two fingers to the window, ensuring it didn't crack or make a mark. "I didn't know it was going to do that." She adds. I should probably say something pointless like "it's okay" or "yeah" but I don't even try.

"Thanks for driving me back." She says, turning back around to face me, angling herself sideways. "You're welcome." I reply, my tone short. "You got a key?" My voice is clipped for good measure as I ask this, since it's clear the previous conversation is over and never going to go in the direction I wanted. "Jess." She tries to meet my eye but I don't oblige. I figured since she clearly doesn't want to talk, she'd just jump outta the car and make her way up their steps but she's not budging.

"You always tell me how it is and right now, finding myself completely lost and grieving a life I didn't even know I wanted and maybe never actually did but somehow still feel like I've been robbed of something…well, I guess I wanted you to do exactly what you did." "Which was?" I rub my temple, annoyed and with a patience that's wearing worryingly thin. "You reminded me constantly throughout the wedding, at any chance you got, that I'm not acting like myself and that I'm being stupidly reckless and distant with people who don't deserve it…like you, my Mum, Luke..everybody who still cares." "What makes you think I still care?"

She cracks a smile, poking me. "Sounds a little all too familiar, doesn't it?" I realise she's right. We've been here before. Outside her house - maybe not in the car but minor details don't need to aline exactly for it to feel like a severe case of deja vu - with her acting like I care about her and me trying to pull the wool over her eyes like I'm not remotely invested in her world. Back then, at 17 all she wanted was for me to try and be kinder to her Mum and to be make more of an effort around people in this town that weren't just her.

Now, she's admitting to using me and treating me poorly just because she knew she could because I never throw it back in her face anymore and instead let her get away with it due to the fact that I'm desperately in love with her.

God, I'm pathetic. I'm the kind of boy that I'd have beaten up back then. Stop, I have to remind myself, I'm not a boy, I'm a man and I decide what kind.

"I'm still hurting, it sounds ridiculous but there it is. I'm not over it." "Don't you mean, not over him?" "No." She insists. At least i know the stubbornness hasn't disappeared along with so much else that's clearly changed about her.

"It's not about him, exactly. I can't explain it, really. It's what we had. I guess, in spite of all the arguing and the breakups and the times he let me down…I got used to what we had, found a certain comfort in it. I would hide in it, but now that it's gone, that it's truly ended..well, I have to face that it maybe wasn't the healthy of arrangements and that maybe he wasn't who I thought he was." "Rory, you can't do that." "What?" "Sit in my car and talk about how your boyfriend might not have loved you." "Why not? i'm not saying that's what I'm doing but why couldn't I?"

I sigh and cut the engine, surrendering to the reality that I'm not going to be driving off anytime soon if she keeps going with the mind games and riddles like this. "Because of course the bastard loved you! How else can you explain what prompted him to propose to you?!" She flinches, as though I've physically taken a swing at her.

"I don't know, Jess. Maybe it was just something he thought he had to do, another thing to tick off a list, a decision which would've pleased his family and his work colleagues and looked good on paper. Married his college girlfriend from Yale, settled down first chance he got. You gotta admit it sounds a little too good to be true, that kind of simplistic life." "Simplistic..? Can you even hear yourself right now? What has happened to you, Rory? Since when do you crave the simplistic?" I unbuckle myself now, shove the door open and step out, just for something to do.

I let the weight of my door slam itself shut and she copies me, peeling herself out of the car and walking around to stand before me. "I'm not saying I was going to say yes, I'm just saying I—" "You were considering it." "No!" "Well, then what? What are we talking about this for?" "Because it needs to be talked about." "Rory, just go inside. Do you need me to unlock the door for you?" "You seriously think I'm too wasted to put a key in a fucking lock, right now?" "Yes." I spit back. "But, fine. If you say you're fine, than I'm not needed here. I might as well fucking go." I spin around and reach for the door handle.

Her hand on my shoulder makes me freeze, her voice is close to my ear when she speaks again. "I don't want you to go. Not again." "I can't do this. I can't be the boy you use when things go sour with somebody else. I just won't."

"You said last time, you deserve better and you do, Jess." "Good, glad we agree on something then." I retort, sarcastic, still not turning around. If her behaviour tonight is anything to go by, it's clear she doesn't mean what she just said. So, she's delusional if she thinks I'm going to fall for that.

"Look, I admitted I'm a mess." "That's not enough, Rory. That doesn't justify this!" I face her and she doesn't step back, leaving us uncomfortably close, especially considering the conservation we're having right now is hardly intimate or sweet.

"You tried to hook up with me at the wedding. Next you fall asleep on my shoulder, because you're clearly more drunk than you've ever had experience being before! Then I drive you home, pushing to the back of my mind how shitty you've treated me all day and night and all you do is speak in bloody riddles and reveal you're not over your ex!"

She grips my arms, squeezing tight. "FOR THE LAST TIME I AM OVER LOGAN! WHY WON'T YOU ACCEPT THAT?! I NEVER SAID I MISSED HIM, I SAID I MISSED WHAT I WAS USED TO! BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP IS MORE THAN JUST THE PERSON YOU'RE WITH! IT'S SHARING YOUR LIFE WITH SOMEONE AND ALWAYS DEPENDING ON THEM AND HAVING THEIR FACE APPEAR IN YOUR MIND THE MINUTE SOMETHING GOOD HAPPENS TO YOU AND WANTING TO RUN AND TELL THEM! THEY'RE THE KIND OF THINGS I'M TRYING TO ADJUST TO HAVING LOST! NOT HIM!"

"I CAN'T ACCEPT IT BECAUSE IT'S THE ONLY REASON I CAN THINK TO TELL MYSELF AS TO WHY WE'RE NOT TOGETHER!" I stop abruptly and clench and unclench my fists at my sides, wanting to throw my keys across the yard to let out some of the anger that's rising up inside of me. She opens her mouth and shuts it again. "I wasn't expecting that." "Bullshit, Rory." "Excuse me?" "Don't play dumb." "I'm not. How was I to know that was how you feel?" "Oh, I don't know. Maybe because I've been so obviously pining for you this whole day!"

"Well, it can't have been as obvious as you thought if I didn't even—" "Oh. So, okay." Disbelief and sarcasm fight each other as to which will come out on top in my tone.

"You're trying to tell me that you haven't noticed I've been right there by your side every chance I got today?" She doesn't answer, but I can tell she's growing more pissed with me by the minute. But it's too late, something inside of me has already snapped and I can't play the role of the push over for a second longer.

"I watched you all throughout the ceremony, though that one I guess I can understand how you might've missed since you stubbornly refused to look my way even once the entire time!" "That's not true! It wasn't about you! I was focused on my Mum. It was her wedding after all, it's not like it was ours or anything!" I retract as if she's taken a kick to my guts.

"I'm leaving." "No, Jess. Stop this, stop trying to act like nothing ever affects you!" She clutches at my fist and pries it open, snatching up the keys and dashing back a few meters. I roll my eyes. "How old are you again?" I spit, my heart racing and my face frowning. I just want to leave. Why is she being so difficult.

"All I wanted to do was talk today—" "You're wrong. All I wanted to do today was talk. You wanted to do anything but talk!" I correct and her face goes hard. "What were the others times?" "Huh?" I cross my arms. "Before you acted so surely that there had been sooo many clues as to how you feel about me expressed throughout the day and I want to know what they were. You only admitted one."

"I don't have time for this!" "Why? Got somewhere you need to be?" She challenges, cocking an eyebrow. "A girlfriend back in Philly to run home?" I snort. "Yeah, because that'd totally explain why I followed you into a pantry to do something that clearly wasn't talking and why I've basically just told you I want to be with you!"

This is the moment she chooses to bend over, hands on her knees and throw up. "Oh!" I cover my eyes. "Nice going, Rory." "I don't feel so good." She clutches at her middle and sways. I don't even hesitant moving forward and am holding onto her in a flash. "Come on." I say, trying not to gag at the puddle of the wedding reception dinner that now decorates her front yard.

"You need to go inside and lie down." I lead her up the steps, holding an open flat palm out for her house key. "Under the turtle?" She squeaks, colour draining from her face. "Are you going to be sick again?" I ask, wearily, preparing myself to rush her back down the steps to the grass to relieve herself since I don't think a parcel of vomit on their doormat was the kind of wedding gift Lorelei and Luke would've registered for.

"No, no. I'm good." She replies, unconvincingly. I nod once and start looking for the ceramic turtle that's lived on their deck for years and years. I finally spot it and kneel down to lift it up, revealing a rusted spare key, which I snatch up quickly. She clasps onto me again as soon as I move back toward the door.

Once we're inside, I place the key down on the first piece of furniture I come to, a long table that Lorelei dumps the mail on which currently has a vase of sunflowers on it and a framed picture of Luke with his arms around Lorelei who stands in front of him, laughing with her eyes squinted partly shut. I make a mental reminder to retrieve the key on my way out and lock up since I suspect I can hardly rely on Rory to lock up behind me.

We're through to the kitchen in no time and I stop short at the doorway to her room. She's over the threshold and attempts to tug me after her, her hold on me failing as she keeps me and I fall still. "What the…" She turns and looks me up and down. "What are you doing?" She asks, baffled. I swallow and don't speak. She glances around her room and then back to me, a smirk pulling at the corners of her mouth. "You can't honestly be afraid to come into my room." I don't react, visibly or vocally.

She's climbed up onto her bed now, pushing her hair out of her eyes. "You sure you don't have a girlfriend?" "Why do you say that, again?" I finally grasp some words. "Well, because something's playing on your conscience and it must be big. Nothing's ever stopped you from entering my room before. Not once from the first night we met. Not even then, come to think of it." I drop my head down, resting my gaze on my feet. Why is everybody in Stars Hollow so dead set on reminding me of the past, of the person I used to be?

I stopped letting myself get caught up on the past a long time ago and being back here isn't helping with that mindset. I turn around and fetch a bucket from under the sink, knowing that's where one will be. I return and this time, don't even pause before crossing into her room.

She's stretching out now, like a starfish, limbs hanging out over the side of her bed, blinking at the ceiling. "That a boy." She praises me. "Here." I hold the bucket out, above her face and point to it with my free hand. "This will be right down on the floor, within reach for you. Got that?" She salutes me instead of answering.

"You got a new bed?" I ask, running my fingers over the end frame. "Yeah." She blinks at it. "When Mum and Luke moved back in together, I told them to toss my old bed. They'll be converting this to a guest room soon enough..might as well provide their guests with a new bed."

"How many guests are they really going to have, Rory?" I retort, shoving my hands into my pant pockets. She's still wearing my suit jacket and has made no move to return it to me. She can have it, if getting it back means a longer wait to get out of here.

"Fine." She shuts her eyes, breathing in. "You wanna hear the truth?" "Might be an interesting contrast to the rest of the night." I remark smartly. She glares at me after that one, which I probably deserve. "Too many memories." She replies and it takes me a minute to catch up. Is that the reason she's giving for tossing her childhood bed?

"Jess," i hear her call as I draw her blinds shut and start toward the door. "You claim there was no truth said tonight." She pauses, whether for dramatic effect or just to compose herself, I'll never know, before going on. "But most of tonight you spent repeating that you loved me and want to be with me again..was there no truth in that?"

I don't answer, don't want to entertain the thought just for her amusement. I'm tired and I feel strung out. "Sleep it off, Rory." I snap and pull her door closed, walking from the kitchen to the entryway in very few steps and sliding the key up again from where I'd left it. "Jess!" She shouts from her open window, as I shove the key into the lock of the front door, on the outside of her house once more. And of her life too.

"Stay with me tonight." She whispers, her voice pleading and vulnerable. I can't tell if she's about to cry again or if she's preparing herself to throw up some more. "Can't." I return the key to it's stop under the turtle and walk right up to where she's hanging out of the window.

She smiles, thinking maybe I've changed my mind and am going to climb back in to be with her — through the same window I yanked open the night Luke first brought me over here to meet Rory and intended to escape out of.

"Go back to bed, Rory. Keep the bucket close and let the booze be phased out by sleep." She sighs and then holds out a hand out for me. "Last chance?" She offers, swaying back and forth on the balls of her feet. I decline and point to her bed behind her, which I can only make out the general shape of, through the curtains she's only half pulled back.

I walk away, knowing she won't stop pleading with me until she thinks I've left and realises there's really no point. Which there isn't either way but she's too scattered right now to pick up on this. But I don't leave right that second, of course I don't. I made a promise to Luke and to Lorelei to see her home safe and damn me if she clambers out of bed and hurts herself.

I listen out for her and can't hear anything so I cautiously approach the open window, poking my head in. I let out a breath I hadn't realised I'd be holding in when I see her slumped in bed, covers askew and her hair fanning out, slightly knotted, across her purple pillow case. I grasp the hatch on the inside of the window and slide it down, retracting my arm at the last minute so that it doesn't close on my wrist.

"Goodbye, Rory." I say to the empty night air which surrounds me as I approach my car, slipping inside quickly. All feelings of relief or as though I've accomplished something actually remotely worth while tonight — seeing that the bride's daughter gets home safe and tucked up in bed is considered an achievement, right? Surely, if that said bride's daughter was drunk and teetering on the edge of fatigue — disappear.

Rory still has my car keys. I groan and climb out of the car again. There's no way I'm going back into her house, at least not tonight there's not. So, being the only thing I can think of, I scratch the back of my head and start back down her familiar driveway on foot. I'll have Luke drive my car up to Philly when he and Lorelei get back from their honeymoon.

They're only going two nights, after all. Luke's too much of a homebody to be away from much longer than that. He also doesn't entirely trust Caesar again yet since that time he went on that boating trip and came back to find the diner's bench sticky and stained. Caesar may make a damn good burger but that doesn't mean he wins the cleanliness award of the month.

Luke and Lorelei's wedding and that chaotic night which followed was five whole years ago now. And I haven't see her since. Until now, that is.