So this is my supremely ridiculous birthday fic for the lovely Laffers. The challenge? Kill off Daisy. This is what I came up with. Happy Birthday, Lady. I love ya!
"No, Bones. No way! We are not going to that concert thing in the park tomorrow."
"What? Why?" She looked up from the sandwiches she was making, confused.
"Sweets and Daisy broke up, okay? They only asked us to go as a buffer."
"I don't know what that means."
"It means," Booth explained, "that neither of them wants to give up their ticket, so they are asking us to go and act like a buffer between them."
"That's ridiculous. It's not as if it's assigned seating. They could sit separately."
"They don't want to go alone, either," Booth told her.
"So, they don't want to sit individually, but they also don't want to sit together."
"Right. So they asked us."
"I think it could be fun. Sweets said they are still friends."
"No, it won't be fun. It will be awkward and weird. They are not friends. We're not going."
"I already told Sweets we would."
"What? Bones!"
"You were just saying the other day that it was picnic weather. Daisy mentioned it was lawn seating. I thought-"
"I meant the three of us. You me and Christine. Not….not this."
"My father has already agreed to babysit."
A strangled groan came from the back of Booth's throat. "Bones!" He whined.
"Perhaps we can invite Angela and Hodgins."
"A buffer for the buffer?"
"If you think it would help, yes. Angela enjoys music and is generally quite jovial. I'm sure she would help ease the awkwardness you are concerned about."
"I'm not getting out of this, am I?"
"No."
"Fine. But only if Hodgins and Angela can come. I'm not sitting alone with Sweets and Crazy Daisy."
"Ms. Wick does talk a lot and seems to have some trouble with boundaries. I admit that in some ways she can be…"
"Annoying?"
"Well, yes. But there is no indication that she's mentally unstable, so I don't think that moniker is accurate."
"Oh, trust me. " Booth said. "It's accurate."
OoO
"You agreed to what?" Hodgins asked his wife incredulously.
"It'll be fun. An 80's cover band, a gorgeous day, a picnic…"
"And Sweets and Daisy and 27 kinds of awkwardness," interjected Hodgins.
"It won't be that bad."
"She spent the entire day yesterday telling me how all future men would have to measure up to Lancelot."
"Aw, that's kind of sweet."
"She meant literally. Apparently our young friend is quite well endowed."
"Oh," Angela made a face. "Yeah, that's more than I wanted to know."
"Exactly."
"Well, it won't be so bad, right? The music will be loud, it's not like she'll be able to talk much."
"Have you met, Daisy?"
"Jack, I promised."
"Tell them we can't find a sitter."
"We're going."
"Ange-"
"We're going. You just sit near Booth and Sweets. We'll keep Daisy on the other side. Just enjoy the music. It'll be fine."
"I hate this."
"But you love me."
"You owe me."
Angela smiled saucily. "Oh, I'll pay you."
"Yeah?" Hodgins took a step towards his wife.
"Oh yeah."
"Can I get a payment in advance?" Hodgins leered.
"Ah-ah-ah." Angela waggled her finger. "After."
"Fine. But I'm telling you now, this isn't going to be fun."
"I plan to make it worth your while," she whispered breathily into his ear.
"I am such a sucker," Hodgins groaned.
Angela just smiled.
OoO
The day was perfect. Sunny and mild, without a cloud in the sky.
"This seems like ideal weather for an event like this," commented Brennan as she spread the picnic blanket on the grass.
"When I was a little girl, as soon as Spring came, I would lay out a huge picnic blanket on the lawn and have a giant tea party with all my stuffed animals and dolls. This reminds me of that," Daisy chirped. "Except you guys aren't dolls or stuffed animals. Although Agent Booth kind of reminds me of Prince Char-"
Angela cut her off. "Why don't you pull that corner of the blanket out, Daisy. It's folded under."
"Oh. Sure." Daisy leaned over and straightened the blanket. "I wanted to take a minute while the guys are off getting some beer to thank you for coming today. Lance and I are friends now, but there are still some residual feelings lurking beneath the surface, I think."
"Yours or his?" Brennan asked.
"Mostly mine, I guess. I mean, the break-up was mutual. We both know our relationship has run its course, but still…" she sighed. "No man will ever measure up to my Lancelot."
"That's exactly the kind of thing you probably shouldn't say if you don't want this to be awkward, Daisy," Angela admonished.
"You're right. I'll try." She nodded, changing subjects as the men rejoined them. "Where are the babies today?"
"Michelle is watching Michael," said Hodgins.
"My father is with Christine."
There was a lull in the conversation, so Daisy filled it.
Of course.
"I remember when Christine was born. Such an exciting day. It was so fun to surprise you with food and supplies. And she was just beautiful. Do you remember that?" She was talking to Brennan, but her eyes were on Sweets.
"Yeah, that was great," said Booth, hoping to redirect things. "It looks like the music is about to start."
"I love 80's music!" squealed Daisy. "Lance, remember when we went to that dive bar in Baltimore with the really bad band that was getting the words to 'Like a Virgin' all wrong?"
"I remember how you corrected them," Sweets grimaced.
"I totally did. It's not right to call yourselves an 80's cover band if you don't cover the songs correctly. It's inaccurate. And it wasn't just that song. It was several songs. They should have called themselves an 80's interpretive band, because that would be more truthful."
"You told them that, too."
Daisy clapped her hands. "I did, didn't I? And I remember they weren't very appreciative."
Sweets looked annoyed. "And we talked about why they didn't appreciate it. Do you remember that?"
"Of course, Lancelot. You said that people don't appreciate being corrected when there really is no need for the correction."
"That's right."
"You said it was a boundary thing."
"I did."
"Are my boundaries the reason we broke up?"
"Hey look! There's the band!" Hodgins tried to interrupt to no avail.
"You know why we broke up, Daisy."
"I really don't. You just kept saying that we'd run our course."
"And you agreed."
"Okay, maybe this isn't the right time to talk about this," Booth tried.
"Yes," agreed Brennan. "This seems like a private conversation."
"Let's just enjoy the music and have a nice day as friends," Angela suggested.
The music started and Booth, Brennan, Angela, Hodgins and even Sweets, hoped that would be enough to distract from the tension.
But instead of enjoying the music, Daisy talked.
"Did you know that this song is actually about the lead singer's wife? The original version, obviously. Not this lead singer. So romantic."
And talked.
"Did you know that Michael Jackson sang the background on this song in its original form?"
And talked.
"Did you know that Dionne Warwick is Whitney Houston's aunt? It must be so weird to have your niece pass you success-wise. I mean, that would be like if I became a more famous anthropologist than you, Dr. Brennan!"
Angela offered her food. "Have a sandwich, Daisy."
"Thank you. This is much better than my imaginary tea party food." She took a bite. "Of course that was made up of mud-pies and fake tea." She laughed.
"Kill me now," muttered Hodgins.
"I blame you," Booth whispered back as Daisy prattled on about "Tainted Love" being the Best. Song. Ever.
"Me? Why me?"
"Because if you'd said no, I wouldn't be here. I only agreed to come if you did."
"I only came because Angela promised me uh, payment, later."
"The only thing I'm getting out of this is a headache," Booth shot back.
"I'm sorry guys. She's clearly nervous. The more nervous she is, the more she talks. I should have realized this was a bad idea," Sweets said quietly.
Booth sighed. "It's not your fault, Sweets. She's just…"
"Irritating," supplied Hodgins.
"Oh my gosh, the flies are out," complained Daisy, waving her hand. "So pesky. Lance, remember when I almost crashed my Vespa because a fly got in my helmet?"
"Yes."
"I hate flies. No offense, Dr. Hodgins."
Hodgins waved his hands. "None taken."
"When I was a little girl, I took riding lessons and we had to muck out the stables. You would think the worst thing would be the horse poop, but it totally wasn't. It was the flies! They were everywhere. So disgusting. They would fly near my face and I –" Suddenly she stopped, her face stricken.
"Ms. Wick?" Brennan asked, in a concerned tone. It was unlike Daisy to stop in the middle of blathering.
"Oh my god!" Angela said. "I think she swallowed a fly."
"Not swallowed. She's choking on a fly!" Brennan said, jumping to her feet. "Booth! You have to pull her up and do the Heimlich!"
Booth hauled Daisy to her feet from behind and wrapped his arms around her, then began the thrusts to her diaphragm.
"Sweets, go find event security. They should have medics here, somewhere. I'll call 911," ordered Hodgins, pulling out his phone.
"It's not working. The fly must really be lodged in there. She's losing consciousness!" Angela said.
"Sometimes losing consciousness will relax the patient enough that the object is released," Brennan noted as Booth laid Daisy on her back.
"That's not happening. She's not breathing!" Booth said, Pushing up Daisy's chin, he tried to administer air with no success. "Her airway is blocked."
"That must have been a big fly," mumbled Hodgins.
Sweets arrived with park security as Booth kept working without success.
"Oh my god. Oh my god." Angela said as she grabbed Hodgins' hand.
The security guys aided Booth as well as they could, but their training was mediocre at best.
"Where is that ambulance?" Brennan wondered aloud.
Suddenly an ambulance came screaming into the park, parting the crowd as it drove onto the grass. The medics got out and took over for Booth, with no response from Daisy. They loaded her on a stretcher and whisked her away.
"I don't think she's going to make it," Sweets said sadly. "She's been too long without oxygen."
"I'm sorry Sweets," Booth comforted. "We did what we could."
The ambulance pulled away from the scene with no lights, which could mean only one thing:
Daisy was dead.
The entire group stood stunned. As irritating as she was, they were still saddened by the sudden death of Daisy Wick.
But only Hodgins was sad about the dead fly.
~The End~