I had very little intention of actually posting this story, because by the time I had finished it the season 4 premier had already aired!
However, a friend asked me to post it, so Sweet Lu, this is for you :)
Now, if you could all just pretend that Season 4 hasn't happened yet...
Her heart had stopped, she was sure of it. The shock of all that had happened over the previous two days had rendered it permanently still in her chest, and slowly, but surely, it felt as if her lungs might do the same. The whole of Kensi's body was numb and cold, to the extent that she felt that if she were to push her hand into the depths of the hottest fire it would barely register in her mind.
She had been stood in the same spot for some time now, fixed in the same position, unable to fully process the events which had led them to this point. She had fought against it, she had fought hard with everything she had, but the ground beneath her feet had buckled so badly she could barely keep her balance and there was little left around her to hold her upright. Everything Kensi relied on, everything she knew to be strong with every fibre in her being, the very foundations of her life lay around her fragmented into little more than rubble.
Callen had taken the most drastic and dramatic action in dealing with his nemesis, and all anyone else had been able to do was watch, whilst making almost desperate pleas for him to stop and reconsider his actions. There were no pleas heard for the life of the Chameleon, he had deserved nothing less than a bullet to the chest for all he had done. They had been voiced solely for the life of their friend and colleague; for the life of a man who's dedication to King and Country had been a lifetime of unquestionably loyalty, and who didn't deserve to have all that he was end right there and then. But the trigger had been pulled and immediately after the ground had shaken sending the first in a long line of dominoes crashing down.
Sam had stood in silent despair as his beloved partner had been bundled into the back of a police car by the officers who had arrived within the midst of the rapidly unfolding events. Kensi had felt the first bursts of a storm building fiercely in her chest, the whole of her body preparing itself to fight for all that Callen meant to them. She had driven back to the Mission in the most determined and single minded of attitudes, knowing that Hetty would be able to give answers, reassurances and instructions. Knowing that Hetty would know just what to do.
However, arriving back to find that their burning light of hope and salvation had extinguished herself and promptly departed, leaving little more than a crisp white envelope in form of 'goodbye' had been a blow that no-one had been prepared for. Fear and confusion had quickly bred anger, which was not something that Owen Granger was best suited to dealing with. Having already been faced with his own short-comings during the aftermath of Mike Renko's shooting, he had then had to watch as the indomitable figure of Henrietta Lange had turned from the image of her favourite agent and walked away from him, from her team, from NCIS. Confusion and uncertainty was alive and well within his own mind too and then only compounded by the questions and expectations laid down by the two agents and police officer who had immediately confronted him upon their return. His own anger had quickly erupted, bringing an uneasy silence to the whole of the office, yet knowing they weren't unreasonable in their demands, perhaps only unrealistic in the results that would come from them. There were laws and procedures which had to be adhered to and it was ultimately up to him to see that it happened. He was in control and it surprised him to discover, just for a second, how much he currently wished he wasn't.
Granger's vehement response had stopped Kensi in her tracks, had effectively removed all the fight from her body in one swift motion, and there she remained in the bullpen, cold, numb and struggling to keep drawing air into her body as time ticked endlessly on. Oblivious to the gentle voice of her partner, to the pleas he was making on his own behalf that she allow him to drive her home, Kensi began to move. She needed to feel something. She desperately need to feel something more than she was right then. The numbness was becoming stifling in it's hold over her and she had to break free of it's grasp. Her heart and lungs were calling out to be stimulated back into normal activity and as she walked through the gym to the locker room she could only think of one remedy. Quickly changing into her gym clothes and tying her trainers with unnecessary precision, Kensi ignored all those around her, exited the building without a glance back and began to run.
Her feet pounding against the ground as she covered mile after mile, Kensi had had no forethought as to where she was headed, and much of her didn't even care as long as she could keep going. Pulling in deep lungfuls of air, each one tinged by either the sea or the city, Kensi could finally feel her heart beating strongly in the chest.
Looking up from the dirty pavement she was running along, Kensi noticed the quickly fading light, but once more the only urge she felt was to just keep running. Somehow she had reached the beach front and as the deep orange sun began to lower itself down below the horizon of the glistening Pacific Ocean, Kensi could feel the first pangs of uncontrollable emotion threaten to build up inside and escape. Never had she considered the possibility of the sun setting on a day like they had all just experienced and it made her look away in hope that it wouldn't happen. The dark continued to descend and Kensi continued to run. On and on, still with little direction in mind. Her lungs were beginning to burn at the exertion, her heart pounding at speed, both trying to keep up with the demands that were being made of them.
Rounding a corner into a park Kensi's eyes blurred momentarily and she could swear that a little further along, sat in the middle of the path, was a rabbit. A white rabbit. Shaking her head to clear her vision, the rabbit promptly disappeared and Kensi pushed the image from her mind as she covered another mile before looking across the wide suburban street she was now on to see another rabbit. Happily munching away at the grass beside the pavement it raised its head before quickly dashing further up the street and disappearing just as Kensi crossed over, curious at its presence.
Another street brought Kensi another rabbit and as her curiosity allowed her to become distracted she found herself following this one more closely until it too disappeared. Frustrated by her own foolish actions Kensi could feel that single emotion become the one which was breaking through the dam, creating a path for all others to follow. Tears began to sting at her eyes, and she couldn't help but wonder how, considering how dehydrated she in all likelihood was. Her running began to slow, her paces becoming shorter, and the full force of her laboured breathing and straining heart took over as she could no longer go on.
Dropping down on the pavement in front of the next house she came to, Kensi collapsed back against the neatly mown lawn as the dam finally broke open and hot tears silently tore down her cheeks. Desperately trying to drag air into her lungs following the physical exertion she had put herself through, Kensi could feel any and all remaining emotional control slipping away from her. Dizziness soon set in at her failed attempts to properly breath and as she closed her eyes against the swirling world around her she felt herself suddenly start to free fall faster and faster down into a dark oblivion.
Forcing her eyes to open and take in her new surroundings, Kensi found that she was still falling, down through what appeared to be an earth tunnel. Reaching out to the surrounding walls she found that there was little she could grasp hold of and absolutely nothing firm enough to slow her descent. Looking up there were still shards of light clear above her, but below only darkness, and as fear set in as to what end she would meet images began to flash crisp and clear before her eyes. Callen, his head resting against the window of the police car; Sam looking more lost and forlorn than she could ever remember; Hetty's empty desk, devoid of all hopeful meaning; Renko's playful smile disappearing before her at the blink of an eye. Each one was more vivid than the next to the extent that as Renko's lifeless face paused in front of her, she could once again feel his warm, sticky blood seeping through her fingers as she tried desperately to save him. Holding her right hand up in front of her face she examined it closely. She'd washed her hands over and over, but still all she could see was the blood. Perhaps this was how Lady Macbeth had felt.
About to raise her left hand to mirror her right, Kensi found herself unable to do so as someone had grasped hold of it. Looking over to the person now falling alongside her, she was surprisingly unsurprised to find Deeks there, dressed in white trousers, a simple white shirt and cream patterned waistcoat, a warm smile covering his face.
She had offered him little in the way of attention or concern for most of the day, had in fact made attempts to push him as far away as possible, though why she couldn't quite be sure. It was a complicated gathering of emotions which seemed to converge on her partner when she considered the numbness she had been so in fear of losing herself to was also that which she desperately needed in order to keep her feelings in check. She hadn't wanted him to see her break, to see the total loss and despair she felt at the future now before them. She hadn't wanted him to see how much she really needed him, but by pushing him out of her head and her heart she hadn't just denied herself comfort and support, but him as well.
Although he had been unusually quiet, Kensi had felt the strength of Deeks' presence throughout the day, but the look she would occasionally catch glimpse of seemed to add a new layer to their already complicated relationship. There was fear in his eyes when he looked at her, relief too and she couldn't quite understand why.
Looking over at Deeks now she could see the look again, but before she could study it further he pulled a silver fob watch from the pocket of his waistcoat and checked the time.
"Am I late for something?" Kensi asked curiously.
Deeks shrugged. "Maybe. But everything happens in its own time," he replied cryptically. "It's never a good idea to rely on watches too much for certain answers even if they are time related."
Kensi stared at her partner, a frown knitting her forehead as he returned the fob watch to one pocket and pulled out a carrot stick from the other, proffering it to her. Shaking her head, Deeks shrugged again and began eating it himself, his other hand never loosening its firm grasp on hers.
"Why are you here?"
Deeks stopped chewing and raised his eyebrows before looking around at the passing walls as they continued to fall.
"You tell me," he answered. "This is your dream sequence."
"This isn't real?" Kensi asked, a hint of confusion clear in her voice.
"Kens, we're falling down a rabbit hole, and have been for several minutes now. What do you think?"
Blinking slowly, Kensi felt her cheeks flush from her own lack of logic, then looking around took in her surroundings more fully. A brown earth tunnel, interspersed with stones and the occasional vegetative root, nothing more. Soft beams of light still filtered in from above, which seemed almost impossible given the distance they must have fallen already, but it was the darkness below that flipped her stomach. As hard as she tried she just couldn't see where they were likely to land, and that unknown was not something she was easy with.
"I think we're still going to hit the bottom no matter what, right?"
"Right," Deeks confirmed, pulling another carrot stick from his pocket.
"Will it hurt?"
"Maybe."
Kensi nodded as another thought occurred to her.
"Can you leave?" she asked, unwilling for her partner to be in anyway hurt or injured by the process, even if he was only imaginary. It was bad enough that she was trapped here.
"Do you want me to leave?"
Kensi considered the question for a moment. Did she really want to be here all alone if she didn't have to be? Deeks' hand tightened around hers, the sensation it created sent a warm shiver up her arm. She trusted this man with almost everything she had, and pushing him away had done her few, if any, favours, so perhaps it was time to remember and then grasp hold of all that she still had. Perhaps it was time to admit that she not only needed him, but also wanted him too.
Shaking her head firmly from side to side she could feel tears building at the corners of her eyes and she knew, even in the dim light of the tunnel, that Deeks could see them too.
"Good," he replied, taking a bite of the carrot stick. "Because I'd never have left anyway."
"Even though we both know how this is going to end?"
"No-one knows how this is going to end. Not even you, very Special Agent Kensi Blye,"
Kensi couldn't help but smile at his playful tone, the optimism it carried and at the hope it gave her. But through and through she would always be a realist.
"Well in this instance I'm still pretty sure we're going to hit the bottom at some point, so why are you here?" she tried again.
"Where else would I be?" he countered as if the answer were obvious. "I'll always try and catch you, Kens, but if I can't, then I'm going to be the person landing in a heap right beside you."
Looking deep into her dark brown eyes, Deeks only hoped that she was fully understanding what he meant.
"Why?"
"Because you're my partner and my friend, and because that's just us."
Kensi smiled, knowing he was right, but before she could say anything more he pulled out the fob watch, checked the time and replaced it back in his pocket once more. Suddenly, and from where Kensi couldn't quite be sure, Deeks produced an umbrella, which with one smooth motion he opened up above them, slowing their descent considerably. Just a few seconds later Kensi could feel solid ground hard beneath her feet, the force of the landing still enough to buckle her at the knees and leave both her and Deeks spread out on the floor. Her head resting on his shoulder, Kensi took a moment to appreciate that the world was still once more, that they had finally stopped falling, before turning to her smiling partner.
"What?" she asked curiously.
"Look up."
Kensi turned her head slightly to find streams of light flooding almost every inch of the surprisingly short tunnel.
"Surely we must have fallen further than that," she observed, with utter disbelief before quickly standing and pulling Deeks with her.
Having stood up the entrance to the tunnel now seemed to be moving closer and closer towards them. It was a bizarre sensation and Kensi couldn't help but wonder whether she'd accidentally swallowed a few crumbs of a cake saying 'Eat Me'.
"It's time, Kens," Deeks told her softly, causing her to look around questioningly at him. "I'm just waiting for you to let me in," he added seriously, "Because I don't want to fall on my own either."
Coming to with a jolt, Kensi opened her eyes to the dark night sky, the pale twinkling of stars just visible despite the blanketing yellow light of the surrounding street lamps. Sitting up with a frown, she took a moment to remember what had happened to get her to this particular location. Namely lying on some stranger's front lawn whilst dressed in her running gear. The memories flooded back, their pain emphasised by a deep ache in her chest, but as her thoughts then turned to her most recent experience, Kensi knew with fresh certainty that she didn't have to be on her own with any of it.
Standing up and rolling her shoulders, Kensi turned back to the house she had been lying in front of and froze. There in the middle of the lawn was a rabbit. A white rabbit. Finding herself staring, it took a moment for her to notice the young girl who was quickly heading across the grass to catch it. Slightly spooked by the situation Kensi frowned and walked further away up the street, and as she did she began to recognise where she was. A further hundred yards along and Kensi crossed over, coming to a temporary stop outside the familiar building as a laugh of disbelief escaped her at realising she had been heading exactly where she needed to be all along. Wearily climbing the steps before making her way along the walkway, Kensi halted outside the door she had passed through more than a hundred times before and simply hoped that she'd be able to do the same now.
Knock, knock, knock.
The door was answered quickly but tentatively, and as soon as Deeks saw who was there he swung it back fully, a look of open relief clear in his body language as well as on his unusually pale face.
"Can I come in?"
With an encouraging nod, Deeks took a step back and allowed Kensi to pass him into the apartment. Closing the door before leaning back against it, he watched his partner intently as a multitude of emotions poured from Kensi's unique brown eyes, her expression unlike any he'd seen written across her beautiful face before. Exhaustion was clear from the way she stood, and he had to wonder at how far she had pushed herself to run in the time between her leaving the Mission and arriving here with him. He had to wonder at what was likely going through her head during that time and at what it would take for her to let him catch her right now.
"You okay?" he asked softly.
Kensi's adamant head shake was unexpected, but in truth it had been that sort of day. Nothing had been normal or run of the mill, and the fact that his partner's reactions now mirrored that shouldn't have been as much of a surprise as it was.
A single tear broke free from her eye, rolling down over her cheekbone before being removed by the brush of a self-conscious hand. Without taking a second longer to consider his actions Deeks crossed over the short distance between them and pulled her into his warm embrace. One arm across her back, the other holding her head firmly to his chest, Kensi felt the comfort and safety she so desperately needed as further tears silently escaped her. Wrapping her arms about his strong body she held onto him tightly as he dropped his head down to rest against hers before pressing a gentle kiss against her hair.
She wasn't sure how long they continued to stand there, she didn't actually care, but with every breath she took she could feel the knot in her chest slowly releasing.
Her hands settled in place on his well-toned back, her head nestled at the crook of his neck, Kensi just breathed in the familiar scent that was her partner and accepted that this was her comfort. Slowly working a hand down his back and under the hem of his t-shirt, Kensi could feel Deeks tense and then shiver as her fingers grazed across the soft skin of his lower back. Tracing easy patterns with her long fingers, she could feel him relax once more as he enjoyed the sensation it brought to his body.
Taking in a deep breath Deeks pulled away by the smallest amount, knowing that as much as he'd love to stay there forever it was clearly impractical. As his partner looked up at him he brushed a few stray hairs away from her face and pushed his lips against her forehead.
"Do you want to stay?"
Kensi nodded, relieved at being given the opportunity not to go home. Everything in her life felt cold and empty enough without her home being added to the list too. As a sudden shiver crossed her body, Kensi realised that any warmth she currently felt was actually coming from Deeks, then remembered that she was still only wearing her running gear.
"Why don't you go take a shower and I'll find you something warmer to put on?"
Kensi nodded again. "That'd be good. Thanks."
Half an hour later, wearing one of her partner's long-sleeved t-shirts and a pair of his sweat pants, Kensi found herself curled into Deeks' side, their arms wrapped comfortably around each other as they lay stretched out on the couch. The room was all but dark, with the faint glow from an old lamp giving out the only source of light, and in the surrounding quiet the steady beating of Deeks' heart beneath her ear gave Kensi all the reassurance she required to know she was in the right place.
"You want to talk about today?" Deeks murmured, although he was pretty sure he already knew the answer.
"Uh-uh. You?"
"I think we're going to be spending enough time talking about it in the next few days and weeks, if not longer," he replied with a slight turn of his head before pressing another kiss to hers. "I think we can safely put it off for tonight."
Placing her hand flat on his stomach Kensi rubbed gently, lifting her head so that she could look at him properly as he turned towards her.
"I never asked," she stated softly, unhappy that the thought had only just occurred to her. "Are you okay?"
Deeks frowned a little as he studied the look of open concern now etched over Kensi's face, before a gentle smile took over.
"Better now," he admitted.
Kensi nodded in agreement. "Me too."
Gazing into his ocean blue eyes, she realised she was falling once more, but to a very different destination. Unable to stop herself from closing the distance between them, Kensi brushed her lips lightly across his and ever so softly, Deeks kissed her back.
Honest and tender, with the very real potential for so much more, Kensi felt as if there had never been a truer moment between them. Then reality struck. Her eyes opening widely as she pulled back, shocked by what she had initiated, Kensi quickly found that she was unable to put any distance between herself and Deeks due to his arms holding her tightly against him.
"Deeks, let go," she demanded quietly.
Feeling his arms become loose about her Kensi pushed herself into a sitting position and with a deep sigh rubbed her hands over her face.
"I shouldn't have done that," she murmured, chancing a look at her partner who was now also sitting up alongside her.
"Don't do this. Don't analyse what just happened," he pleaded gently. "It just did."
"And you're okay with that?" she returned, a trace of incredulity in her tone.
"For tonight? Yes," he answered confidently.
"What do you mean, 'for tonight'?" she asked, quickly latching onto the fact that there was certainly an underlying meaning to go along with the look he was now giving her. It was the same look he'd been giving her all day. Even when they were tumbling down a rabbit hole and he wasn't actually real, he was still looking at her just like he was then.
Deeks frowned and swallowed down the uncertainty he felt before standing from the couch and taking a few steps away from her. Memories from that day flooded his mind - the fear, the relief, the helplessness – each one as powerful as the next. How could he even explain it to her without giving himself away completely? But, then again, how much more was there left to give?
Kensi studied her partner, seeing his shoulders lower sadly across the dimly lit room.
"Deeks?" she prompted softly, standing up so she could see more clearly the rolling changes of emotion through his eyes and across his face.
"The gunshot," he replied, turning back towards her. Although there had been multiple gunshots that day, he knew he needn't specify any further. Kensi knew precisely which one he meant. "When that gunshot went off my first thought was that it was you that'd been hit. Not Renko. And my heart almost stopped still in my chest."
Kensi closed her eyes momentarily and released a deep breath, before looking back over at Deeks and the sorrowful expression he now wore as he continued to speak.
"And as the day went on things just got worse and worse, and when I saw you leave the office tonight I actually wondered if this whole mess was going to finish us too," he admitted. "Then you showed up here and... "
"You stopped falling?"
Deeks nodded, closing the short distance between them and resting his hands on her shoulders.
"I don't know when we're going to hit the bottom with this, or what'll happen when we do. But I know that you being here is keeping me from falling any further right now, and I'm guessing that's the same reason you came here tonight."
Kensi sighed deeply and placed her palms flat against his stomach.
"We just needed each other tonight, Kensi. It doesn't need analysing or talking to death," he assured her. "It doesn't need to be more, but just let it be this."
Kensi considered his words carefully, and after a moment she reached up with both hands, cradling his face and drawing it towards her before pressing a light kiss to his lips once more.
"I thought you weren't supposed to be doing that?" Deeks asked, curiosity causing his forehead to crease a little.
"I needed it," she answered, her voice barely above a whisper.
"Anything else you need?" he enquired, a small smile playing over his lips.
Kensi nodded her confirmation. "Sleep, please."
Deeks' smile widened and taking his partner by the hand led her across the living room to the bedroom.
"That I can do."
Curled in against Deeks' side once more Kensi could feel herself falling again, but this time towards a deep and pleasant sleep. Her partner's arms wrapped securely around her, she could feel the chaos of the day stabilise. Tomorrow was not something she welcomed, with the fear of falling further into an unknown darkness being a very real and unsettling reality. Then a further thought occurred to her.
"Deeks,"
"Mmm?" he returned, barely awake.
"You have an umbrella?"
"Nuh-uh."
"Pocket watch?"
"Nuh-uh."
"Okay," she sighed. "We'll just make do."
Tomorrow would come for sure, but for now, shifting in tighter against her partner's body, she was content to just let it be this.
THE END