Title: What Will I Do?
Author: Majinbuttercup
Timeline: Post season 2 episode 4, pre episode 5
Notes: Betty's POV, Poem about her life, I think it's in character.
Comments and Critiques appreciated!
Rating: K+
Disclaimer: I do not own Ugly Betty, and am making no money off of this.
What Will I Do?
Sweater Vests like Hypercolor of Old
Orange for Happy
Grey for Sad
A Face so transparent if we ever played poker I'd win
Beautiful brown eyes
The way you straighten your glasses
Your razor sharp part
Your secret identity
Accountant Man
Nymphalis Milberti:
Even if that's not quite what they're called
Animagic
Chivalry
You never saw me as Ugly
Cheesy facts
You're not afraid to be yourself
These are just a few of the reasons I love you
I don't even know how to describe how you make me feel
You make my palms sweat
My heart races if I just hear your voice
You know me better than I know myself
Too bad you're not mine
A son or daughter
On the horizon for you
A beautiful slut for a mother
With a history I'll never have
Who loves you?
Does she love you?
How can I keep you?
How can I even ask you to be with me?
How can I hurt that unborn child?
Three and a half inches long
Just something I know
I'll just have to resign myself
To the life I'll never have
How could I?
Hallmark doesn't make a card for something like this
Should I send myself some Pink Gerber Daisies?
Actually,
I don't think I'll ever be able to look at them again
I need to pick a new favorite flower
Are there any that are naturally black?
Good for mourning the loss of a loved one?
I know you'll know
Just one of the many examples of "Just something I know"
How will I get by without you?
With no chance of us ever again?
Will you go back to her?
How will I survive?
I don't want to get hurt again
I just have to give up on you
I will not hurt your child
My feelings are not as important
As yours
As your child
You grew up without a father
I would never ask you to do that to your child
I'm sure you'll be a wonderful father
No, you already are
One of the best
How can you not be?
As wonderful as you are
As excited as the baby made you
Before you knew about her indiscretions
The only person who can make you light up
The way I can
I have to give you up
I hate to do it
But I will not stand in the way of a father
With his child
I am not a monster
I will not fight for you
How could I?
Does this mean this is good–bye?
What should I do?
I thought burying everything you ever gave me,
Even stuff as minor as paper clips
Would make it easier
It almost did
Until I saw you again
Still as beautiful as ever
Lighting up at the wonder of a new life
A life that is not mine
A life we are not having together
A life that you share with her
What will you do?
Will you go back to her?
I almost want to ask you to
I don't know how I can handle seeing you every day
Knowing about the life growing inside of her
And what could have been
Could I do that?
Could I really handle not having you in my life?
Could I handle not meeting your child?
Not seeing you meet it for the first time?
Could I handle turning my expense report in to anyone else?
Could I handle not seeing you occasionally on the elevator?
Having you not there to turn to when something bad happens?
Is it fair to you?
Is it fair to me?
What should I do?
I don't want to watch you with her
I guess I know how you felt now, don't I?
I wasted all that time trying to save a dying relationship
Is this my fault?
I don't want to be hurt again
But I don't want to hurt you either
The sad thing is, I can't hate her
I wish I could
I can't hate you either
I almost wish I could
It would make this so much easier
What should I do?
Should I ask you to leave?
Should I forget I ever met you?
Can I do that?
I don't think I can
But I don't want to be hurt again
Does the universe hate me that much?
Am I that terrible of a person?
Is this some sort of karmic punishment?
For what I did to them
I devastated two men in my pursuit of you
Maybe I am a monster
That's what she'd say
Is she right?
I couldn't even tell you about the other man
That almost became another man
But I don't know where he is
I don't love him though
I love you
He was just there to give me a good swift kick in the ass
There, I said it
I'm just making excuses
Feeling sorry for myself
I don't deserve that
I am not a monster
This is not my fault
It's nobody's fault
It just is
What will I do?
I don't know
I love you
More than I have anyone other than my family
You know me so well
What will I do?
I don't know
But I will not be hurt again
So will I let you go?
I don't know yet
But, whatever I decide
I wish you all the happiness in the world
With your child
If I give you up
Please let me meet him or her
At least once
Then I'll know it was worth it
If I decide to fight for you
Please don't think I'm trying to destroy your life
Or the life of your child
That is not who I am
That is not what I want to do
That is not who I want to be
All I know is that I will not be hurt again
Your kiss was the most wonderful I ever had
Even if it was a good-bye
Should I leave it at that one kiss?
Never feel your lips again
I don't know
I love you
But, please don't hurt me again
Accountant Man
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As I finish reading, a few tears fall down, smudging the last few lines of my poem, and I look up at the room. Most of the others in the class look and apathetic and glad I am finished. I smile through my tears at the boy in the front row, with greasy hair and a hooded sweatshirt. He looks sympathetic and pats the chair next to him. With a slight smile, I go to my seat and grab my bag, and return to sit next to him.
"Well, Ms. Suarez, while this had more emotion than your story about being alone at your 'Anti-Prom' I must say I think you can do better. Perhaps a few less cryptic one-liners and your audience may be able to follow along a little better. Now, who's next?"
A girl a few rows behind me raised her hand and gathered her things to go to the podium. "Don't listen to him. He's an idiot. I liked it." I smile and nod in thanks and turn in my seat to listen to the next speaker.
---------Owari------