Trepidation by Luckygurl102

Chapter One: Repudiated, Innocuous, Forlorn.

Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize!

Author's Note: So I originally have this story on HPFF, but do to their rules (which I don't have much problems with) this story can't develop how I have it in my head. It's taking some turns and I don't know how I'll continue it because I have a very clear image and so I decided to re-edit it and post it here. Now, this story contains sexual content, substance use and abuse, and abuse in general. That being said if you're sensitive to that stuff please just click away as I wish you no harm. This story means a lot to me, as it is my own personal therapist of sorts and I need the escapism. Lol, anyways, Kylie is a bit fucked up in the head, for poor choice of words, but if you bear with me I have plans for this story. And there are two endings in my head right now, well a few more but two completely opposite endings and where this may lead you never know!

Needless to say, this is a very heavy angsty teenage drama, so you're warned. Also, rape is mentioned in the later chapters so go ahead and prepare.

Also, my sense of grammar has gotten so very poor upon graduation and taking a year (or forever) off college. That being said, I hope this story can still be read and enjoyed. If anyone should like to help me in the Beta department by my guest, as I am sure I could greatly use someone else's eyeballs and brains for a change. Sorry for the long authors note/disclaimer. I will stop now.

-luckygurl102

P.S. I lied, but I feel like I should point out this story is in Kylie's perspective, first person and all so what you read is what her brain is thinking (although I'm sure you may realize that being that we're educated an all) so what happens is what she thinks is happening. It may get confusing later but I don't want to spoil it but I don't want you to get lost in it either! Now, I promise I'm done! On with the story!

CRASH! Followed by a thump of many heavy volumes of textbooks that escaped my grasp and thus went tumbling to the floor. The echoes could practically be heard throughout the now empty grand staircase. Probably even the entire freaking castle. "Bloody hell." I muttered groaning as I got off my probably now bruised knees. My day just keeps getting better and better.

I'd forgotten that the trick step was on the staircase I'd taken. It made no sense, really, that in a magical castle that even a trick step would be something that was neglected to be fixed in all the years since its construction. But maybe that was just myself, I don't know. Why make life any easier? What was the point in fixing the step if you just told everyone to remember about it? Bunch of lazy arses.

I then began to pick up my belongings that had fallen whilst I had made my 'trip' downstairs. I sat there, grumbling to myself at how the so-called great founders of Hogwarts couldn't even fix a step but could manage to create and entire castle that would survive thousands of years. I'd often asked about the ridiculous architectural mishaps of the gothic castle that housed Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. One would think, being some of the greatest and most powerful witches and wizards of our time, Ravenclaw, Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, or even Slytherin would comment on how the castle just wasn't up to par. Trick steps, countless passages, not to mention the most bizarre statues. I mean, who would think that tapping a statue and saying 'Dissendium' would lead you out to the village. The only weird thing about the castle that the founders hadn't place was the Whomping Willow, which arrived my first year at school here. There were loads of rumors about the place, but only a handful of people knew the real deal about it, myself being one of the lucky few.

Cursing myself for letting my thoughts lead me astray, and prolong my sitting on the cold stone floor, I gave myself a shake and resumed picking up my belongings. I was reaching for the pack of quills I kept when I heard footsteps approaching and saw the shoes that caused those footsteps. Repressing an irritated groan, I took to ignoring the inevitable that would inevitably come; I resumed putting my things in my messenger bag. I didn't stop until I heard a voice.

"Yep, it's definitely Tuesday." The comment was from in front of me, coming from a person I could only see the trousers and shoes of, as I was sitting and still gathering my books and other personal objects that had fallen out of my bag. I'd know that voice anywhere, having heard it the past five years of my life almost everyday for at least ten months out of the year, give or take a few weeks. I stifled a groan. No, I couldn't deal with him right now, or the rest of the-

Before I could finish my inward complaints the laughter of two other boys was heard, and I knew each of them just as well as the first voice. "Why is it she's always so down on Tuesdays?" The first of them asked, no doubt using my distress as a joke for the other two. They were all boys, which could be surmised by the pants they wore under their robes, as all the girls in school took to skirts, trying to show off as much as they could for the males, the boys in front of me in particular. I hid my irritation and shoved a roll of parchment that contained part of my Potions essay in my bag, ignoring the wrinkling it would no doubt create as well as the unorganized mess in my bag. I would eventually pay for that later when I would have to finish it tonight.

I took no mind to them, seeing as this happened, to the boy's previous hints, quite often and I've become immune to them, and used to carrying about my business. It wasn't that hard, as I ignored them (as well as the rest of the school's population) on a daily basis. The first one laughed while I heard a squeak of a laugh that sounded not only awkward, but in pain. I rolled my eyes; glad the boys couldn't see my face. Finally, after nearly gathering all my things, which took only a minute but felt like an eternity, did one of the boys bother to descend to my level, presumably to help me gather my things. The one who had spoken picked up a cylinder, slim, shaped objected in a paper wrapping. He was, no doubt, a bit confused at first as to what it might be, I could tell as he got down to eye level with me.

"What Sirius? Surely you've seen a tampon before?" I asked, not shy in the least in mention of feminine hygiene products in front of the three boys. I knew its effect, and it took to that immediately with the other two. I could see their feet twitch, and they hurried away, mumbling some lame excuse and I grinned in triumph, snatching the tampon from his hands. Two out of three gone wasn't that bad, even if I wanted the one in front of me gone. But of course, he didn't look the least bit surprised that I carried it around, or embarrassed. Arse. He really had to have everything going for him, didn't he? Looks, talents, charm...Even brains for Merlin's sake. Of course the good came with extremities of the bad; he was arrogant, went by his own schedule, cared of nobody save for himself (and maybe the other three of his posse), not to mention was a bully, as well as a narcissistic moron.

I shook my head; those thoughts definitely shouldn't be coming from my brain about him. If he knew, it could be rotationally catastrophic, physically, emotionally, and mentally. So I rolled my eyes at him, shoving the tampon in my bag. I stood, ignoring his hand he offered to help me up with. I then proceeded to dust the imaginary dirt left on me: anything to avoid looking at his eyes or face. Hoping he'd take the hint (that I wanted him to leave and thus continue ignoring me); I straightened my bag on my shoulder.

"You alright?" He asked me. I didn't let myself think he was that concerned, as he probably had a date with a broom cupboard nearby and was leaving the girl waiting. It was his thing, arriving 'fashionably' late.

I nodded, pulling my Gryffindor courage and looking him squarely in the eyes. "Yeah, after all, it must be Tuesday." I said, a bit spitefully, fixing my shirt and swiftly turning on the spot, not looking over my shoulder. My braid plopped against the back of my robes, to which I though maybe a hair cut should be in order. My hair was getting long; it was starting to grow past my elbows.

Taking special care not to take any wondering staircases, or trick steps, I managed to climb safely away to the Gryffindor common room without another mishap. It was a feat, I must say, managing relatively unscathed as I reached the portrait of the Fat Lady. I greeted her with a smile and the password. "Baboons." I honestly had no idea who picked these passwords; I think the head girl and boy did. In that case, Raven McKinnon (Hufflepuff) and Jeremy Post (Ravenclaw) seriously had some problems.

Upon entering the common room, I surveyed the almost crowded area. As usual, it was a bustle of people working, playing, or snogging (sometimes a combination of two of the three, or even all three). Of course, my entrance went unnoticed, and I saw the three guys, now with the fourth one, in the center of the room in front of the fireplace laughing over a joke they shared. They had millions of them. A look of slight jealousy passed my face as I felt a sudden envy of the four. Just as the feeling came, Sirius looked up and met my eyes, and I quickly bounded over to the staircase.

I wasn't their friend anymore, was something I'd come to terms with over the year or so I'd spent avoiding them. Albeit, it wasn't quite as easy as I thought it was going to be, in the beginning it was ridiculously difficult spending any amount of time away from them, as they were all practically my brothers. Turning to face the way to the stairs, I raced up to the fifth year girls' dorm. Biting my bottom lip to prevent the tears that were welling in my eyes, I slammed the door, thankful to be alone. With my back against the door, I sunk against it a little, throwing my bag at the foot of my bed. After three minutes of calming myself down, I stood and I planted myself on my bed; Tuesday it was indeed.

My classes before lunch were finished, as this was the only free period I had during the day, it was spent catching up on homework and revisions. Being sixth year the teachers thought that the need for piles of homework was deemed necessary, and that us having the time to actually do the homework they assigned for us was insignificant.

Monday's classes began double Transfiguration, then lunch for an hour. After lunch I had double Herbology. After that it was supper time, followed by "study time" as the teachers put it, but basically free time for any students who didn't have the most important exams of their lives (like OWLS or NEWTS), and revisions and study for fifth and seventh years. Then curfew was at nine for the upper years (5-7), but eight for the lower years. And after the curfews there are prefect patrols (thank you Merlin Lily and Remus were made prefect in fifth year and NOT me). Tuesdays began with Charms, followed by a break until lunch. Then began double Potions, then double Defense Against the Dark Arts. Luckily I don't have any classes after Defense today. Wednesdays I have Potions, followed by lunch. After lunch I have Herbology. And then I have Ancient Runes. Then I get a short break, followed by supper and free time before curfew. Thursdays began with Charms, followed by a much-needed lunch. After lunch began Transfiguration and then Defense Against the Dark Arts, which ended my classes for the day. Tuesdays and Thursdays were the only days I got a free period, and Tuesdays are before lunch and Thursdays are before supper. Thursdays and Fridays are some of the hardest days for me. Glorious Fridays start off with Potions then Charms followed that before lunch. Then I get to go to Transfiguration and Defense afterwards, ending my classes with Ancient Runes. Fridays always drained me physically and mentally to the point that after homework was done, I was asleep before I hit the pillow.

At the moment, I was working a particularly difficult Potions essay on the effects of adding an acid ingredient before the base fully settled (three feet), which had wrinkles throughout the paper due to my shoving it in my bag earlier. Huffing as I tried to smooth out the wrinkles, I tried to think of a way to smooth the parchment. I tried a charm on it that I did on my blouses to rid the wrinkles. To my surprise, it worked!

It was eleven when I was ending my final paragraph of my Potions essay. "In conclusion, the effects of adding an acid ingredient before the base was fully settled would be not only disastrous, as well as ruin your potion, perhaps even your cauldron! Therefore, one should always thoroughly read the instructions, from top to bottom, and the ingredients before even starting the potion. It helps to arrange the ingredients in the order one uses them, to help prevent any further confusion as well as lessen the chances of an accident occurring." I often read aloud when writing, for some reason it helped me. Placing the final period, my head cocked up when I heard a commotion downstairs. Yes, I thought to myself after looking at the clock and noticing that it was nearing lunch, it must be Tuesday. Sighing, I rolled off my bed and grabbed my wand from my robes I had discarded on the floor. I went downstairs to sort it out, knowing the cause before I could properly decipher what the voices (the commotion) were saying. As soon as I descended upon the last step the familiar and annoying sight at the bottom of the stairs met me.

"Innocuous? Innocuous? Potter, you wouldn't be the meaning of the word not now, not in a thousand years!" Almost shrieking, the female stood across James. Her arms were crossed and her face slightly flushed with anger. I nodded silently. Yes, indeed it would be that fiery redheaded girl Lily Evans yelling in the common room at James. I reached the bottom step to see everyone had stopped what they were doing to watch this entertainment, which happened on a weekly basis, some days more than others, this Tuesday being no different from any other. She had a look on her face that was a seven on the Lily Evans anger scale, and this was high. Usually James didn't peak above five and a half until it was that week of the month. And even then, he couldn't be blamed for Lily's emotional roller coaster.

I sighed, this was going to end badly if no one stopped it, and by the looks of it, no one was going to. I would have to step in, as always. Even the boys were laughing this time, loving the confused expression on James's face, and angry on Lily's. "Lily, what did-" I began to ask, placing a hand on Lily's shoulder; she jumped and turned to see who it was. Upon seeing me, she glared. No, she wasn't angry with me, she was angry at the situation, and more importantly James. "Don't even, Kylie. He-" Lily wasn't screaming at me (thank you Merlin), but she had a tone in her voice that clearly said back off. She didn't get to finish what she was saying because James cut her off.

"Give it up, Evans! He deserved it. I saw Snivellus the other day, with Mulciber and Nott, pulling hexes on some second year muggleborns. Calling them a…a…a you-know-what!" James, however rude he was, would never call anyone a mud blood, especially in the presence of muggle-born Lily herself. He was hurt more than anything, which is why he resorted to yelling. Inside he was nursing his bruised ego. He probably asked her out yesterday, which he did every other Monday, and was still suffering.

Lily rolled her eyes, turning her attention back towards the source of half her misery (as she would put it). "Severus," She said, emphasizing each syllable of his name and saying it with force "is innocent until proven guilty. You, Potter, on the other hand were caught jinxing him! And I don't give a rat's arse why you did, but taking disciplinary matters into your own hands like that isn't making you any better than he is!" She screamed. In her last scream/rant/put-down she had a note of finality in her voice. A swish on her heels signaled that she was finished arguing, and had clearly won with the dumbfounded look on his face with her comparison to him and Snape being the same. Clearly, he thought that was the most incredulous thing he'd ever heard, and looked at his friends, who looked at him with sympathy. Although Lily wasn't as close to him as she was the past few years at Hogwarts, we all were there to witness the lake incident after our OWL tests last year, she still vehemently defended him against James at times like this. If anything I felt like she mainly did it to piss him off. Although, now that I think about it, James has been hexing Snape more than Lily has been defending Snape. I always wondered how the two were friends and remained friends for so long, being so different and all, besides the fact that Lily was oblivious to the fact that Severus Snape was head over heels obsessed with her. You can just tell by the way he used to trail after her and how ever since she stopped speaking to him he's been seen stalking her more often than not. Well, maybe I just see these things because I'm in the background most of the time.

I sighed as Lily stormed past me on her way up to the dorm to calm down. I was glad that I didn't need resort to magic to break up the argument. It seemed that even the two, at each other throats, had seemed to be calming down a bit now that it was sixth year and only a month into the school year. This year should prove to be at least a quieter one, or fewer hexes flying one.

The common room fell back into its bustle of things, and I just stood there at the bottom of the staircase, not really paying attention to what was going on around me. After a few thoughtful moments, I decided to take to an early lunch, seeing as the earlier I went, the less people there would be. I didn't have a problem with the other Gryffindors, but I just didn't enjoy being too crowded. It was annoying having people bumping elbows at the table, and being ambidextrous, I could eat with either hand so it wasn't a problem of a left hander being on my right (though that did happen and sometimes I thought left handers and right handers sat on either side of me to annoy me) I didn't enjoy being in close proximity to other people. Even if they were my own housemates, most of them weren't what you'd call friends. It was odd, I guess you could say that I considered the people I'd know for the better part of five years, and then some, were strangers. However, that was how I adapted myself. I wasn't a social outcast, just one who preferred her own bandwagon as opposed to everyone else. I find I don't mind most of the time, yes, there was the occasional empty feeling inside, considering all that has happened since coming here to Hogwarts, but I did what I wanted. Often, it was good being invisible, especially when I was never the butte of the rumors that spread around the school. To everyone, I was simply innocuous. I find that, even though it wasn't true, I didn't mind the 'label.'

On my way to the Great Hall I may as well been under the invisibility cloak, that was how little people looked at me. Seldom to any did anyone ever turn their attention my way these days? I'd grown very much used to it, and even intended on keeping it that way. It kept me from facing unpleasant people, as well as having to deal with people. People I had no intention of dealing with. No, I wasn't ugly. I've been told (by people other than family) that I'm quite pretty and adorable, but they never really elaborate past that because they're scared.

Right before I'd gotten to the front of the doors, someone bumped into me and sent me stumbling to the ground. It was Roger Chart, a gorgeous sixth year Ravenclaw. He looked to see whom he had run into and his eyes widened. He mumbled an apology (clearly he had somewhere to be as he took to flying up the stairs). I didn't let it bother me, as I didn't have any books, just the wand in my robes. I entered the great hall and made my way to the nearly empty Gryffindor table. I sat on the end, close to the door. Pouring myself a glass of pumpkin juice, I thought about the last time I even had a boy ask me out, let alone a boyfriend. I frowned. Guys started asking me out in third year, and I even went out with the one or two that weren't scared off. But the longest relationship I had was only two months. I made myself a roast beef sandwich and thought. It wasn't fair to me, really, that I had to suffer. After all, I was innocuous, invisible even. I guess that's what I get; I rather dug myself into this forgotten person. Kylie Potter. If you asked anyone around, they'd just connect me to being James Potter's twin, and have nothing else to say on the matter nowadays. Of course, with a brother like James, that was all anyone wanted to talk about anyway. Am I bitter, no…a little resentful? Maybe. However, I'd cope. I was Kylie Potter, after all, better known as 'the twin.'

Author's Note: Well there you have it, the new chapter one. I am rewriting chapter two as I type this. Leave a review with your thoughts! It doesn't even have to be long one! I previously had this set to fifth year but I feel sixth year works in my mind better, as events from fifth year seem a better age and setting for my needed flashbacks to work in this here novel…Lol I hope you guys enjoy!