Traitorous Love
Part i
by: AW
Rated: M
Length: 3,378
Date: January 2010
Summary: Episode addition to 'Repression'.
Disclaimer: I don't own them, but the twisted story is mine.
The Bridge was quiet, it was a boring day. Chakotay looked at the two best friends that occupied their posts, even they weren't talking.
Kathryn had disappeared not long after shift started marooning herself in the ready room, and she had not been out since.
That had been three hours ago.
Chakotay sighed and looked to Tuvok, "Commander, you have the bridge, I'll be in the ready room."
Chakotay walked over to the ready room and Harry and Tom exchanged a look. They were worried about her.
The previous night she had been the topic of conversation.
"She just hasn't been the same since that mock mutiny brought on by Teero."
"I know Tom, I have no idea what's gotten into her; or what happened that day that got her into such a mood."
"Harry, I've been so concerned and so has everyone else that I've even asked B'Elanna to look into it, but she refuses something about 'not wanting to intrude on the Captain's privacy'."
Harry shrugged, "I just don't know Tom. She's always been a sort of enigma to most of the crew - except maybe Chakotay - and I'm not going there."
Back on the bridge the two just looked at each other and then to Chakotay.
He chimed again. "Go away Chakotay I don't want to talk to you."
Everyone on the bridge heard the order and at the same time saw the pain in Chakotay's eyes. They watched as he punched in the override code and made his way into the privacy of the Captain's ready room.
[Ready Room]
Kathryn watched as Chakotay walked in unwelcomed. He had used his override codes to come in, and all she could think was that maybe she should have taken them away from him after the mutiny attempt 5 weeks ago. "I told you I didn't want to see you."
Chakotay stared at her, "Well that's too bad: We have to clear this up."
She glared at him, "You took my ship, stole my authority and raped me and you think that we have to 'clear this up'."
"You know that nothing that happened that day was under my control, we were working as we had in another life as Maquis."
Kathryn laughed sardonically, "So you mean that behavior such as that was normal six years ago?"
Chakotay shook his head, "Kathryn...that's unfair."
"Unfair, how can you think that I'm being unfair to you: I trusted you, I loved you and you betrayed me." She looked down and then raised her head, "Get out!"
Chakotay was speechless as he stared at Kathryn once more and exited the Ready Room.
[2 Weeks Later - Janeway Quarters]
B'Elanna stood outside the Captain's quarters trying to decide whether she should invade the Captain's privacy or not. She rang the chime and there was no answer.
B'Elanna waited another 30 seconds and then when there was no answer asked the computer for the Captain's whereabouts.
It told her she was in the mess hall.
B'Elanna shook her head and took off for the mess hall.
As B'Elanna walked the corridors headed to the mess hall all she could remember was her conversation with Tom the night before.
"She's not herself."
"She is who she is Tom: She keeps everything to herself and nothing gets revealed unless absolutely necessary."
"She's pregnant B'E, and it's Chakotay's baby. And if you time it right, it was when he was possessed by Teero."
B'Elanna let a sharp intake of breath escape her and stared at her husband. "Maybe something happened that day that none of us knew about."
[Mess Hall - 0030 hours]
B'Elanna continued on her way to the mess hall, and slowly walked in.
Janeway was sitting in the corner crying, there was no one else there at this time of night.
B'Elanna slowly walked up to the older woman and put a hand on her shoulder. Kathryn's bright blue eyes, fresh with tears looked up at her Chief Engineer. "I'm sorry B'Elanna you shouldn't have to see me this way."
B'Elanna looked at her with sorrow in her eyes, "No I'm sorry I shouldn't have disturbed you."
Kathryn shook her head, "No it's okay I probably need someone to talk to anyway."
B'Elanna nodded and took the woman's hand in a gesture of comfort as she sat down on the couch beside her. "I'm sorry this happened to you Captain, but he loves you; you know that right?"
Kathryn looked puzzled at B'Elanna, "You know."
B'Elanna shook her head. "Tom checked into it, he was worried about you and saw that you had been to visit the doctor earlier this week."
Kathryn put her head in her hands, "Oh god Tom knows, this is going to be all over the ship before the day is over."
B'Elanna put her hands up, "He wouldn't betray your confidence, but I think that you and Chakotay need to talk about this."
Kathryn wiped the tears from her eyes and raised her hand to her commbadge, as she smiled at B'Elanna. "Janeway to Chakotay."
She heard his tired voice over the commline. "Chakotay here, what's wrong Captain?"
"It's just Kathryn, I was wondering if I could meet you in your quarters for a chat?"
She heard the hesitation over the line. "Any time Kathryn."
Kathryn forced herself to look presentable and made her way to Chakotay's Quarters. She rang the bell and waited for an answer.
Finally he came to the door looking as if he had just climbed out of bed. "Kathryn, come in."
He stared at her, she looked upset. "What happened?"
"We have to talk about what happened that day with Teero."
He sighed, "I'm sorry, I never meant for anything to happen like it did."
Kathryn nodded, "I know." She paused and collected her thoughts, "I got an interesting visit from B'Elanna in the mess hall tonight."
Chakotay shook his head, "You never sleep do you Kathryn."
She sighed, "Well it's going to have to stop in the next few months; if the baby is going to arrive in good health."
Chakotay covered his face with his hands. "Oh my god, did I do that to you?"
Kathryn had tears in her eyes as she nodded, "Yes and we're going to have to talk about this. We're going to have to work this through if we want to make it work."
He took her hands and stared into her eyes, "I'm so sorry Kathryn, I wasn't myself: Know that I'd never do anything like that to you if I was in my right mind."
Kathryn nodded as if accepting but stared at him, "This is going to take me a while to work through Chakotay, you can't push me."
Chakotay bit his bottom lip, "Does this mean you're going to keep the baby?"
"It means I have to think about a lot of stuff before I make the decision."
Chakotay nodded knowing at this point he couldn't push her, "Okay, well remember Kathryn, I'll always be there for you."
Kathryn nodded, "I know." And she walked out before she lost it again and thought about the pregnancy as a baby and not as a monumental mistake.
[7 weeks later - Kathryn's Quarters]
Kathryn had been to see the doctor today. It was her 12 week checkup, she was starting to show.
When she had spoken to the doctor he had told her that if it was her decision to terminate it would have to be in the next week or two.
Kathryn ran a hand over her belly that had begun showing signs of a baby on the way.
She sighed and got up to get some coffee from the replicator. *I'm really going to have to cut down my coffee intake.*
And it was then that Kathryn realized she was going to keep the child and she had made the decision a long time before.
Kathryn dropped into her bed and slowly fell into an exhausted sleep.
Three hours later there was a chime from her door and she wondered who dare bother her at this hour.
The door opened to reveal Tom Paris.
She scrunched up her eyes in confusion and stared at him, "Can I help you Mr. Paris."
Tom shook his head and stated, "But maybe I can help you."
Kathryn tilted her head in questioning and pointed to the couch. As she ran her hand down her front she was aware of the noticeable bump of her belly and blushed at Tom's scrutiny.
"You know you can't keep this a secret for much longer."
Kathryn nodded her head in acquiescence and put her hand to her abdomen where she could have sworn she had felt movement. Her bright blue eyes stared up at Tom in a curious look. "I think the baby just moved."
Tom nodded, "About time too, how far along are you? Almost 13 weeks?"
Kathryn slowly nodded in wonderment and opened her mouth to answer but Tom was gone.
She hit her commbadge and beckoned for Chakotay to come to her quarters. She realized she was wearing nothing more than a flimsy night dress and her condition was obvious in her state of dress.
When the door chimed she called for him to enter and he walked in looking her over and noticing the baby bulge beneath her night clothes.
He went to open his mouth to ask her if she had made a decision but thought it better to wait until she opened the lines of communication.
"I've...I've decided to keep the baby, and I hope you'll be involved in its life."
He smiled, "I wouldn't have it any other way, but we still have a lot of stuff to work through Kathryn."
Kathryn simply nodded, "I know...but...I felt the baby move for the first time today." She paused staring into his somber obsidian orbs, "I obviously knew I was pregnant before, but now it feels more real."
Chakotay walked up to her and silently asked if he could lay his hand on his child.
She nodded and placed her hand over his. "I'm sorry Chakotay, you should have been here since the beginning; I shouldn't have blocked you out."
"And I shouldn't have done to you what I did to get you into this predicament."
Kathryn shook her head, "You can't even say it can you?" She shook her head, "You raped me and you violated me, and even though I know it wasn't really you, you did it."
"Kathryn -"
"You say you wouldn't have done it in your right state of mind, but those feelings and impulses had to be somewhere in your brain or it wouldn't have happened at all."
Chakotay was speechless, "Kathryn, I never would have hurt you intentionally: I love you -"
"They're just words Chakotay that's all they are. We have to talk through this and work through it, and words like I love you and I need you are just words. They don't stop the feelings of hurt and resentment and betrayal."
Chakotay let his jaw drop open, "Kathryn, I want you to feel safe and secure with me."
"I need time Chakotay."
"That child is going to speed it up and bring it out of your control whether you want it to or not."
"That's enough Commander!" Her voice softened, "I'll see you on the bridge tomorrow."
Chakotay was speechless as left Kathryn behind to the privacy of her thoughts.
[0200 hours - Chakotay's Quarters]
Chakotay tossed and turned in bed. He had seen Kathryn ripe with his child and he had wanted nothing more than to hold her, touch her, be hers...but that was not her wish at the moment.
He loved her but her words rang out in his mind.
'They're just words Chakotay, they don't stop the feelings of hurt and resentment and betrayal.'
He drew in a deep breath; they had to deal with this.
He found himself on the way to sickbay his feet leading him somewhere he could maybe get some answers.
[0230 - Sickbay]
Chakotay came sailing through the doors of sickbay. He wasn't sure what had brought him here, but something had. He had been drawn to the sterile operating theatre.
And there on the bed: lay Kathryn.
She appeared to be asleep and the doctor looked at him begging him to stay quiet. "Commander, I'll speak with you in a minute."
He appeared as if he was doing intricate work to Kathryn with the tiny laser focused on her abdomen. "Is she okay doctor?"
"I said I'll speak with you in a minute."
Chakotay backed off and went to sit on the biobed in the corner, leaving the doctor to his work.
Twenty minutes later, the doctor came towards Chakotay. "I know you are aware of the Captain's condition, and I know the child is yours.
Chakotay nodded, "I need to know what was happening, what were just doing to Kathryn?"
The doctor paused unsure if he should answer, "You know about the crazy gene...I was disabling it in the baby."
He looked at the doctor, "That gene only runs in the males of the family does that mean that Kathryn is carrying my son?"
"I think you should talk to the Captain when she wakes up about his...not me."
Chakotay was frustrated, "Damnit that's my baby too!"
"I'm sorry Commander, but it's her you have to talk to: not me."
"Computer deactivate EMH." And the doctor disappeared.
Chakotay walked over to Kathryn's bedside and pulled a chair that way, taking her hand in his. "I'm sorry Kathryn. I never meant for it to be this way."
He let a couple of stray tears fall down his face, "I just want everything to be okay with you and the baby." He laid a hand on her belly, "I never meant to hurt you the way I did: I'm sorry."
He laid his head on the side of the bed and felt her warmth next to his face. He looked up and saw her beautiful porcelain skin glowing in the darkness of the sickbay. He pulled his head up and stared at the bulge lying just beneath the blanket and her sickbay gown. "If you give me a chance: I'll never hurt you again."
The doctor reactivated himself and slowly peeked around the corner. He had heard all of the Commander's askance, as well as the Captain's speaking about what he had done to her during the takeover by the 'Maquis' during Teero's brainwashing.
He sighed; the command couple was in for a lot of healing but when it was done he was sure that the couple would make their relationship all that much stronger.
[Chakotay's Quarters - 3 Days Later]
Chakotay had waited and cried with Kathryn for 4 hours, when the doctor had finally told him that enough was enough and that he had to go back to his quarters.
For the past two days while Kathryn recuperated, Chakotay had minded the store so to speak.
The sad looks on Tom and B'Elanna's faces and the confused look on Harry's had told him all he needed to know.
He had not heard from Kathryn herself even though he knew that she had been released to her quarters two days prior.
He had passed on his genetic default to the child he had created through a life he no longer lived.
Chakotay sighed, and heard his commbadge beep. "Chakotay here."
He heard the tired and sad voice of Kathryn Janeway over the line, "Chakotay could we meet in my quarters for dinner?" She paused as if waiting for an answer, "We have a lot that needs to be discussed, and I have to apologize to you."
Chakotay paused, "Sure Kathryn, any time. I'll be over shortly."
Chakotay sighed; she had handed him an olive branch. He changed out of his uniform and put on a pair of loose-fitting black slacks, and an olive green shirt.
He hoped they would be okay; their son needed them to be.
He walked out of his quarters and made his way next door to visit Kathryn.
He buzzed for entrance and the doors opened revealing Kathryn in a blue velvet dress that was no longer hiding the pregnancy, but rather showing it off with class.
He walked in and smiled at the woman he had loved for it felt like his whole life.
He raised his arms and put his hands out to her. She took them and led him over to the couch. On the coffee table was a bottle of champagne. "I need to make this a fresh start for us Chakotay. We have to talk about what happened and then we have to move into the future...together."
Kathryn gave him a sad smile. "I'll try my best Chakotay, but we have to talk through everything that happened." Kathryn went to the replicator and went to take out the roasted vegetables that were in a large pot.
Chakotay's brain kicked in. "Here Kathryn, you shouldn't be lifting anything heavy in your condition."
Kathryn gave him the cloth to pick up the hot pot and pointed towards the replicator. "Thank you Kathryn."
She went and sat down at the table and uncorked the champagne. At Chakotay's curious look she stated, "Non-alcoholic."
Chakotay brought the dinner over and placed it on the table. "I thought you couldn't cook Kathryn."
She smiled a sly smile, "I never said I couldn't cook, I said I 'wouldn't' cook."
Chakotay nodded his head, "Fair enough."
They sat across from each other in silence. Finally Chakotay got up enough courage to talk to the woman who was carrying his child. "Kathryn, we have to get this out in the open; but before any of that, I need to make sure you understand that I never meant to hurt you."
Kathryn solemnly nodded, "But whether you meant to or not you did." She paused and drew in a deep breath, "I trusted you, I accepted you - despite the fact that any other Starfleet Captain would have thrown you in the brig - and I loved you. Loved you more than I ever showed or you ever knew. Our time on New Earth, rang as truth through my mind and my dreams."
"Kathryn -"
Kathryn put up a hand stopping his protests before they started. "When you came to me 'possessed' by Teero, and took me against my will it hurt me. It hurt me to the core and shook the balance that had been stricken by us over the years."
"I felt my life unraveling before me, and then when I found out I was pregnant; my deepest wish and my darkest nightmare had come true at once." She opened her eyes, brimming with tears and stared at him. "I had always hoped that we would one day get it right and that, one day maybe even have a child before it was too late...but this child," She placed a hand on her abdomen, "Was created through a brutal act of rape: and it took me this long to get my emotions in order."
He nodded but refused to say a word as she was obviously not done yet.
"It isn't this child's fault, and I won't treat him like an outcast or a bad decision. I love him already."
When she'd finally gotten it all out and Chakotay felt as if she was finished he walked up to her. Silently asking if it was okay for him to touch her and when she nodded he placed a hand on her belly. "Is he okay?"
Kathryn smiled and nodded with tears in her eyes. "I am sorry I didn't tell you about his 'faulty gene', I didn't want you to think that you'd dirtied our precious gift."
He nodded and walked up to hold her tight. He kissed her on the top of her head, "I love you Kathryn, and I love this little one; and it will all be alright."
END PART 1
TBC IN PART 2