How to Terrorise a Criminal Organisation

By: Trojan Virus

Chapter 1-Intruders, Eggs and Good Moods

Sasori was relaxing on the couch one early morning when he thought heard a knock on the main door. Dismissing it as a figure of his imagination-because, really, who would dare to do that-he got up to get himself a cup of coffee. The puppeteer shook his head. Someone knocking on the door of a hideout full of deadly S-class missing-nin, at this hour… He must be suicidal.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

There it was again! He pretended to not have heard, and busied himself with operating the coffee machine. The knocking persisted, and the noise escalated from gentle taps to full out bashing and ramming. Sasori started to get edgy. Who was this mystery knocker? The door was vibrating violently, so violently that it seemed it would be knocked down.

The rest of the Akatsuki were sleeping, and Sasori had no intention of waking them up that early. But if this knocking contined, they would all certainly wake up, due to the tremendous amount of noise. And what the puppeteer did not want, was to be stuck with nine exceptionally grumpy, bad-tempered criminals storming around the hideout for the whole day, attempting to kill practically anything and anyone who just so happened to be unfortunate to stand in their way. And they would be like that, just because a loud noise had woken them up waaaay too early and had interrupted their beauty sleep.

How very pathetic.

So, Sasori made a split second decision. He would open the door and eliminate whoever was standing out there, so he could have a nice, peaceful day. Yep, because all he cared about was a relaxing day with no troublesome worries. And when he threw the door open, he was already thinking about his steaming cup of coffee he had left in the kitchen.

"Let's get this over and done with." He muttered.

Sasori grabbed his kunai and prepared to slash downwards, when he saw… Nothing. He saw absolutely nothing standing outside the door. The puppeteer was confused, very confused, in fact. He definitely heard something knocking on the door, and it was most definitely NOT a figure of his imagination. Sasori sighed. It could have been a prankster, a SUICIDAL prankster, though the chances of that were highly unlikely… So what could it be?

The Akatsuki member turned around to go back into the hideout. As long as the knocking had stopped, he decided, he wouldn't be bothered or get all flustered about it. His thoughts turned back to coffee, coffee, coffee.

Then, he felt something brush against his leg. Instinctively, Sasori stopped in his tracks and slowly looked down. A small, green, furry object, looked up at him with big, cute eyes. It was unlike anything the puppeteer had ever seen. The… Uh… Object opened its mouth and said,

"Chilli is a good boy!"

Sasori gaped. The only person Sasori ever knew who could pull of that exact same sentence with so much innocence, was Tobi. Was this thing a new disciple of Tobi or something? The puppeteer resisted to strong urge to facepalm. The thing-slash-object-slash-chilli-or-whatever-it-called-itself bounced up and down on the floor crazily, like a kangaroo on steroids. It only stopped occasionally to say, "Good boy!" or "Chilli is a good boy!~"

"What's all this noise?" A feminine voice came floating through the doorway.

Sasori flinched. He had woken Konan up. Darn. The blue-haired woman spotted the puppeteer crouching down, staring at the something that was making a Tobi-like sound. She strutted up to the red-haired man and peered downwards, fixing her eyes on the small, green object that seemed to be the one talking. Sasori got prepared to hear Konan's loud, angry scream directed at the object for waking her up at five in the morning. Instead, he heard:

"Awww, it's so cute!"

Konan grinned, blushing slightly. The puppeteer stared at her as if she had just suggested that the moon was green. What was this weirdness called again? Oh yeah, it was called: BEING OOC. Sasori was unable to take any more ridiculous, nonsensical things. So, he walked back into the hideout, pushed the strange scene of Konan cooing over a talking, green, chilli (Sasori decided it was a chilli) away from his mind and went to the kitchen to retrieve his already stone-cold coffee.

The only female member of the Akatsuki shook her head at the sight of Sasori, who looked really very disgruntled, and sighed. Men would never be able to understand. Can't he see how cute the little chilli (It probably was a chilli, as far as Konan could tell) was? It had big eyes, a rather sizable mouth, and a high-pitched voice that Konan thought was so adorable. She cuddled it, and decided to make it her little pet.

"I'll name you…Chilli!"

As the bluenette congratulated herself for being so original and creative, Kakuzu walked out of his room, grumbling about something that had to do with Hidan wasting a lot of money. The miser caught sight of Konan at the doorway and felt a little curious. What was she doing? He received his answer when she turned around. In her arms, there was a greenish thing that looked-in his opinion-rather hideous. Okay, maybe not that hideous. As long as that thing stayed out of his way, Kakuzu was sure he could put up with living with something that looked suspiciously like a chilli.

Konan smiled at Kakuzu, and held up Chilli.

"Look, this is the our new pet. His name is Chilli!" She said gleefully, acting very OOC indeed.

Kakuzu shrugged and walked off. There were a few more banks to be robbed, and a few million more dollars he had to collect. Personally, all the miser wanted to do is…Money! And, money! He didn't want to be bothered be the irritating things in front of him. Konan giggled to herself as Kakuzu strutted, because silence usually meant approval. She was in an unusually good mood, and so decided to attempt making breakfast for everybody.

The Janshinist woke to a lovely smell of frying eggs. He turned sideways, reluctant to rise, but still dragged his lazy ass out of bed. The last time he refused to get up, Leader had used a giant water hose and blasted him with freezing cold water. It wasn't the most pleasant experience. So, learning his lesson, Hidan never, ever repeated his mistake ever again-smart choice.

"EVERYBODY UP AND AT 'EM!"

A loud, feminine voice came floating from the living room. Hidan cursed-as usual-and grabbed his scythe, while pulling on the Akatsuki cloak. Storming outside, he was greeted by the sight of Konan, holding out a plate full of eggs to him with one hand, telling him to eat up. The white-haired Janshinist didn't take the plate, though, He was staring at what was in Konan's other hand-a chilli.

"I see you took notice of Chilli. He's our new pet!"

Hidan resisted the urge to facepalm. Who could like something so ugly? Not wanting to offend Konan-in case Leader came after him-he snatched to plate away and swaggered off to the ritual rooms to sacrifice people and eat his breakfast.

How boring can he get?

Konan grinned cheerfully. She held Chilli in one arm, while distributing breakfast to everyone with her other arm. Her grin was ridiculously large and rather infectious, so before long, a few of the other Akatsuki members found themselves attempting to hide their smiles, much to their amusement (or annoyance). Even Leader was having difficulties trying not to smile.

By then, almost everyone-minus Itachi and Tobi, who seemed to be absent from the scene-had a large grin plastered on their faces. Honestly, it looked like a gathering of the Narutos-because only Naruto can pull off this sort of grin-with different hairstyles.

And this was how much the Akatsuki was influenced, from being silent, ruthless assasinators, to a bunch of kid-like adults who were trying not to laugh. All by one, single, harmless little chilli named Chilli. What they didn't know was that this was just the beginning…

End Of Chapter