Credit where due. Again thankyou to Dan Dodge for inspiring the wonderful Mould Joke!
DO THE HOGEY POKEY
Sc.1 Int. Bunkroom.
We are in LISTER and RIMMER's bunkroom. They are laying on their beds slumbering. RIMMER has his ship issue PJ's on, LISTER is wearing his red Long Johns. RIMMER stands up, unable to sleep.
RIMMER
Lights!
The lights come up. Rimmer begins pacing the floor.
LISTER
Rimmer, its 4 in the morning! What the smeg is going on?
RIMMER
I dunno, I just can't sleep. He's dead Lister, dead! I killed him, squashed him flat!
LISTER
He's not dead though is he, I mean, you've got his memories now. You lived his life!
RIMMER
I'm not sure he'd see it like that to be honest.
LISTER
But you are him! He is you.
RIMMER
Lucky me, I must be the only person in the history of the universe to Die Twice!
LISTER
Kryten's gonna put him in the next mail pod and blast him out into space. Let him float among the stars, we thought you'd like that.
RIMMER
I've decided I want to give him a funeral. A proper send off, something worthy of his impressive life.
LISTER
Impressive? You never did anything impressive! You never did anything!
RIMMER
you can talk?! You know, they cured mould in 2078. Completely abolished it, animals and plants that never rotted and never got mouldy. And hear you are, growing it in a mug.
He hold up Lister's mould mug.
RIMMER
3 million years into deep space, last mould ever. The last bit of mould ever, and I have it for a roommate.
LISTER
It has a name y'know… it's called Albert.
RIMMER
Oh does he now! How do you do Albert?! Had a nice day Albert?! Names! What's next, taking him it out for dinner, buying it a Christmas present? I knew an Albert once, my first job ever, working in a shoe shop and Albert Pickle was my supervisor. He was a git too…
LISTER
Come on Rimmer… Lights.
Lights off.
Sc.2 Int. Memorial Garden.
RIMMER
We are gathered here today, to celebrate the life and accomplishments of Arnold Judas Rimmer. Here was a man of such commitment, such drive and spirit; and… spirit… and drive. Whilst he is dead in body, he lives on in spirit.
LISTER
Is this gonna take much longer?!
RIMMER
You know I'm really getting the hang of this funeral thing, I might become a funeral director… Rimmer and Son.
KOCHANSKI
Who's the and son?
RIMMER
I don't know, they're all and Son aren't they?! Anyway… Arnold J Rimmer, the hero… May he rest in peace? Mr Rimmer has requested we play the following song. Which I feel, perfectly sums up his time on this earth…
We see cat press play on an old fashioned jukebox. The song "Goodbyeee Don't cryeee" plays.
RIMMER
What is this?! This isn't my song!
Cat winks.
CAT
Surprise!
RIMMER
You've ruined my funeral you idiotic feline git!
CAT
Man, this place was dead before I arrived!
LISTER
Guys!
KOCHANSKI
Come on guys! Let's go have a few drinks and celebrate Rimmer's death!
Sc.3 Int. Disco.
The guys and Kochanski are severely pickled now. Rimmer is leading a conga line, Lister appears to have lost several items of clothing, and Kryten is dancing on a table wearing novelty sunglasses.
KOCHANSKI, RIMMER, LISTER, CAT (singing)
Oh Rimmer's/I'm a jolly good Smegger!
Oh Rimmer's/I'm a jolly good Smegger!
Oh Rimmer's/I'm a jolly good Smegger!
Now that he has/I have died twice!
The conga line exits the disco.
Sc.4 Int. Medilab.
The conga line enters. And sings. Sometime later, RIMMER is writing in a book.
RIMMER
Rimmer and son, first client satisfied. Marvellous.
A drunken Lister staggers across the room and smashes a vial of liquid. A pink gas emits around the room. The crew all run out!
Sc.5 Int. Corridor
More conga line, fading to…
Sc.6 Int Bunkroom.
Rimmer and Lister are sleeping cuddled up in Rimmer's bunk, fully clothed. Cat is drooped over Lister's bunk, and Kryten is crashed out against the table with smoke coming out his forehead…
HOLLY
Awooga Awooga, emergency! Emergency!
RIMMER and LISTER wake up, notice that they are cuddled up… they look away, and then do a double take.
LISTER AND RIMMER
AAH!
They separate.
HOLLY
Emergency! Emergency! Certain death!
CAT
What is it computer head?!
HOLLY
The highly contagious King Flu virus heading straight for you.
RIMMER
A virus? Isn't that lockdown.
HOLLY
I was getting to that! Lockdown in 5 minutes. Please proceed to cargo bay for evacuation.
Kryten buzzes to life.
LISTER
Come on!
They get up to go.
Sc.7 int. Star bug.
The four guys are in place, Kochanski enters.
KOCHANSKI
One minute till infection.
LISTER
Let's get out of here…
MODEL SHOT: Star bug leaves Red Dwarf.
CAT
Yo, how long is this gonna take? I have a date with a vending machine, and there's fish on the menu! Ow!
KRYTEN
Well according to the readouts sir, the virus should devour itself within approximately 3 days!
RIMMER
THREE DAYS! WHAT ARE GOING TO DO FOR THREE DAYS STUCK IN HERE?!
KOCHANSKI
I don't think that will be a problem.
LISTER
Why not.
KOCHANSKI
Because we only have enough air for 6 hours.
RIMMER
I thought Starbug stocked 3 months worth of supplies?
LISTER
Ah. When we were drinking last night, I thought it might be a laugh you know… see how much air I could breathe. Turns out breathing is quite easy to do…
CAT
Great, so now I'm gonna suffocate to death with three people who wouldn't know designer fashion if it slapped them on their ugly little faces!
LISTER
No man! Listen, we'll land of the nearest S3 moon, and set up camp for a couple of nights. Kryten, what's on the scanner man?
KRYTEN
Its fifteen hundred geegooks west sir…
VFX shot: Starbug lands on a desert moon. As it lands we see its feet land on a ball, clearly labelled… Brother.
Sc.8 Ext. Desert Moon
Hogey the Roguey approaches Starbug. We see him from behind only, a rough mechanical being. He notices the crushed football. Close up on his face. He is mad! Starbug opens its doors and the stairs fall on Hogey.
HOGEY
Oomph!
Lister and Co. walk out of the Starbug. Lister is immediately ambushed by Hogey.
HOGEY
Hairy man! My name is Hogey, you have killed my brother. Now! Prepare to die in a duel through time… and space.
RIMMER
Don't you just love meeting new people!
LISTER
You've got the wrong bloke man! I haven't killed anyone, ask them! Have I Cat?
Hogey turns and points his gun at Cat.
CAT
Hey I didn't see nothing, leave me out of this!
Hogey knocks cat out with his metal arm.
RIMMER
Ah, mr Hockey sir-
HOGEY
HOGEY!
RIMMER
Hogey sir, of course… You may have noticed that I, am in fact dead… and therefore there's not much point in trying to, kill me, as it were.
HOGEY
You are hard light…
RIMMER
Yes well…
He knocks Rimmer unconscious…
KRYTEN
Sir, madam, might I suggest that now would be a good time to…
LISTER
RUN!
LISTER, KOCHANSKI, and KRYTEN make a run for it, leaving RIMMER and CAT behind. HOGEY shoots after them, stunning them all to the ground, out cold. Cut to black.
Sc.9 Int. "Starbug?"
The Crew are seated in their positions in Starbug, but something is wrong. The set looks more plastic than usual, everything is a little fake. They are still out cold, but coming to.
LISTER
Kryten what's going on man?
KOCHANSKI
I don't remember getting back on the ship.
KOCHANSKI
How long were we out?
KRYTEN
According to the navicomp, 3 days…
CAT
Last thing I remember, that metal head weirdo boshed on the head and out went the lights!
RIMMER
Look at the controls, they're all flat.
KOCHANSKI
They're made of paper! Look, someone's stuck them on with Glue…
She licks a finger.
KOCHANSKI CONT.
PVA, still wet.
The engines fire up.
LISTER
Whoa! Something's making us take off!
RIMMER
But how? This ship's got less power in it than a welsh wrestler!
CAT
I'm getting something… Smells like… torpedo's, headed straight for us!
LISTER
LOOK OUT!
Cut to HOGEY, he is playing with a toy Starbug, and pretending to fire torpedo's at it.
KRYTEN
Umm, sirs…
RIMMER
Not now Kryten! How do we fight back! There's no controls in this ship!
KRYTEN
Sirs…
LISTER
We've got to think, who would make an exact copy of Starbug?
KRYTEN
SIRS! Look out of the window I implore you!
VFX shot – the smiling face of a huge Hogey is visible through the window. He sneezes, snot goes all over Starbug.
The dwarfers freeze in visible shock.
LISTER
What. The. Smeg.
RIMMER
I just had new windscreen wipers put in!
CAT
It's gonna take more than windscreen wipers to clean captain cranky's nose jizz off the window!
KOCHANSKI
How has this happened!
KRYTEN
Seems simple enough, simple so much so that even the dimmest of being could understand… MS Kochanski.
RIMMER
Well maybe you could explain it anyway? You know, for anyone less intelligent than us!
KRYTEN
Well it seems to be a simple transmogrification algorithm, created from a miniaturization ray sirs.
LISTER
Can you reverse it?
KRYTEN
It shouldn't be too difficult if we reroute the main frequency back on itself… Just give me a minute to, ah, there we go. Now, hold onto yourself… this could get a little stange.
VFX SHOT: They grow to normal size.
They are sat on the ground of a rundown shack owned by Hogey.
LISTER
Yeah! You did it kryt! We made it!
HOGEY
Freeze right there! My name is Hogey, you killed my brother, I challenge you to a-
Cut to Rimmer, he is bald.
RIMMER
Now listen here Hogey, they'll be no "Duels in time and space" today. We've had enough of your fun and games. We're getting off this rock and-
Everyone is laughing, Rimmer wonders why. Lister holds up a tiny set of hair. Rimmer realises his hair did not grow with the rest of him.
RIMMER
Now listen to me you gimboid gwenlen! If you don't show me the way back to my ship, so I can sort this mess out… so help me! You might be alright with a ridiculous haircut, but I prefer to look… smart.
CAT
Smart?! Is that what you were going for? I thought you were a carpet!
KOCHANSKI
Arnold just leaves him…
LISTER
Yeah come on, he's just a kid!
CAT
A kid?! If he's a kid, I'd hate to see his mum!
KRYTEN
I'm afraid it's true sir, he's nothing more than a child these days. His mechanical brain has rotten so far, I doubt he has much more IQ than say, Mister Lister!
VFX SHOT – Starbug takes off
We see Hogey mourn his "Brother" the football…
HOGEY
Fear not brother, I will avenge you in a battle through time and space.
Sc.10 Int. Red Dwarf corridor.
The crew are walking down the corridor towards the bunkroom.
LISTER
See not all rogue droids are evil! Some of them are just children, trying to get on in the world and have some fun. To him, we were heroes, space adventurers to be gawped and goggled at. To him we were probably the equivalent of captain scarlet, or superman! Just heroes who he can play with, like action figures. That's why he made that toy Starbug; He'd probably been watching and gawping at up for days... He's probably spent weeks making that, waiting for us to land on his moon to play with him.
Sc.11 int. Bunk room
They enter through the door.
It just makes you think doesn't it? How all this time we've been fighting these rogues, and all along, some of them-
Notices Mould mug.
I DON'T BELIEVE IT!
ALL
What?!
LISTER
Albert's dead! The Virus must've killed it!
RIMMER
Here's my card.
Rimmer hands Lister a "Rimmer and Sons." Card.
FIN.