Disclaimer: All recognizable characters and situations are the property of Stephanie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended.

A/N:Many of you have been sending me PMs, wondering when this one would start posting. Here we are :) I'll be posting one chapter a week on Wednesdays until I finish up Marked and the Twilight 25, then we'll hopefully add on another chapter or two to the schedule. If you follow Marked, this one's very different. It's a 1st person Bella POV, mostly humorous with some angst required for assembly (it's still me, folks), and there is some definite OOCness, especially with our dear Bella. Beware the snark :) Can't wait to hear your thoughts!

Thanks to my incredible beta, Maria Vilson, who has once again taken what I've thrown at her with grace and comments that have kept me laughing my ass off at two o'clock in the morning, while the kids are sleeping. Thanks also go to my new prereader on board for this piece, Sarah Teague, for keeping me on the straight and narrow, catching my cartoon references, and making me feel okay about the fact that I watch the Disney channel even after I put the kids on the bus. You rock, ladies!

Thanks also go to meliz875 for giving me a well-placed (gentle) kick in the ass to get on this one.

Warnings for this fic include blatant f-bombs, graphic use of an enema along with other potty/pregnancy humor, and the secks...but probably not the butt secks. Probably.

"40 Weeks"

Chapter 1: Conception

"The condom broke. I know how stupid that sounds. It's the reproductive version of the dog ate my homework."
―Jennifer Weiner, Little Earthquakes

I'm an animal. Hear me roar. I stood before a mirror in my bedroom, casting a critical eye at the painted on jeans and low-cut tank I'd decided on after an afternoon of deliberation and considering the addition of body glitter. I'd recently read a self-help book about releasing your inner animal, courtesy of Renee, and I realized that one of my most prominent flaws was my inability to go after what I wanted. Things just happened to me. So, I pulled up my big girl panties (brand new silk, bikini cut), fluffed up my hair, and set off to lose my V-Card. Minus the glitter.

Jake would gladly relieve me of my virginity, but it would require a hearts and flowers moment along with some sort of sappy promise ring presentation. His attitude toward me was one of the things I needed to get under control anyway. There may have been an abundance of muscle in the Black genes, but all I saw when I looked at him was a brother, and I refused to swap fluids with someone who couldn't get my hormones going. If I could just slam into his thick head that it would never happen. Stubborn ass.

I'd learned, though, while hanging around Jake's garage, that I did have a thing for some of the hunky Quileutes that made his place their second home; and, at this point, I was desperate enough to not be picky. The first reasonably good looking thing I came across needed to get naked.

Grabbing my keys off my bedside table, I headed out the door and hopped in my ancient truck. The roar the engine made when it started gave me a further jolt of confidence as I motored toward La Push. I am an animal.

About two minutes onto the Rez, I came across Quil walking down the side of the road, a dejected cast to his shoulders. Pulling over onto the shoulder I rolled down my window and leaned out. "Hey, do you need a ride?"

He turned toward me and attempted to smile in greeting, managing a vague lift to the left side of his lips. "Sure. Thanks."

I eyed him as he walked around the truck and climbed in, realizing that he was a pretty sexy guy. I knew from talks overheard in the garage that he'd spent a lot of time over the last couple years in the gym, and boy did it show. His tight, black t-shirt framed thick muscles in a mouthwatering display. This was my chance. You can do this, Bella.

I could feel the heat rising in my cheeks, but I refused to give in to the embarrassment. "I'm not sure where you live."

"Just head toward Jake's," he said, although it sounded like he threw in a muttered asshole under his breath.

Trouble in paradise? "Is everything okay?" I asked, watching him from the corner of my eye.

"Yeah. Jake's just being a dick."

"What'd he do?"

He groaned and threw his head back against the seat, a dull thud echoing through the cab. "It's like one day everything's all rainbows and fucking unicorns, and we're united in our anger over Embry's defection, and the next thing I know he's the new little bitch in Uley's cult. I just...they ran from me today. Just took off into the damn woods like I was contagious."

There was pain in his voice, overshadowed by the anger, and as I tried to remember a time when I had come across Quil without either Embry or Jake, I realized how close their relationship really was. What the hell was up with Jake? I had been a little confused by the fact that he hadn't answered the phone over the last couple of days, but keeping my new mission in mind, I hadn't really been bothered. Had he really gone over to the dark side in the space of a single weekend?

His complaints about Sam and his band of merry eye candy had been incessant over the last few months. The fact that Billy apparently thought the sun shone out of Sam's ass, and that they'd crossed the line from inclusive assholes to creepy stalkers had only spurred Jake's warm soda fueled rants. They never really bothered me until I realized that they were, in fact, watching Jake; the intensity in their eyes made me uncomfortable.

"I'm really sorry." I reached over and placed a hand over one of his between us on the bench seat, releasing a breath when he tensed but stayed where he was. "Why don't we hang out just the two of us today?"

His smile got a little bigger and he surprised me by flipping his palm over and rubbing a rough thumb across the side of my hand. "Sounds good. We can watch a movie at my place. My mom's at work, and Gramps is off on council business."

Silence filled the cab, outside of his simple directions, so I attempted to calm my nerves. It was a wonder he couldn't hear my heart pounding away in my chest. Shit was getting real. We pulled up in front of a white clap-board house with a wide front porch. I could see what must be his mother's influence in the carefully tended flower beds and an overabundance of bird feeders. I guess everyone needs a hobby.

Discretely wiping my slippery palms off on my jeans, I followed him up the front porch and inside. The house smelled like I imagine a home should, dried herbs and furniture polish. The furniture appeared to be handcrafted wood and the walls were painted in bright colors that reminded me of the Spanish tiles my mother had used in our kitchen back in Phoenix. I was quickly distracted from my perusal by a warm hand placed low on my back.

"Living room's just over here. You hungry? Thirsty?" He guided me over to an overstuffed couch and headed toward what I assumed to be the kitchen once I sat down.

"I'll take a glass of water. If you don't mind?"

"Oh yeah, 'cause it's so much trouble to turn on the tap."

I laughed and leaned back into the cushions, watching him as he walked back toward me. I had a dilemma now, either he would step up to the plate, or I needed to figure out how to make a move. The stretch and drop probably wouldn't work on someone who was six inches taller than me. Leaning forward to take the glass from his outstretched hand, and to place my cleavage (what there was of it) at a better advantage, I asked, "So, what are we watching?"

"Have you seen Serenity?"

"No, what's it about?"

An incredulous look crossed his face as he turned back toward me. "Wait. You haven't even seen Firefly? The TV show?"

"Um...no. Should I have?"

"It's only the greatest prematurely canceled show of all time. Okay, new plan. We're watching Firefly. Prepare yourself for awesomeness." Without waiting for a reply, he popped open a case, pulled out the first disc, and put it in the DVD player. He grabbed the remote off the coffee table and collapsed on the couch next to me.

The new closeness excited me, but his fierce concentration on the DVD menu made me realize that I was going to have to step up my game. Oblivious, thy name is Quil. I let out a dramatic shiver. "How high do you keep the AC in here? It's freezing."

He trailed a large hand down my arm and goosebumps erupted in its wake, supporting my claim. "C'mere girl." He reached out and dragged me toward him until I lay plastered against the side of his body. This is what I'm talking about.

Snuggling closer, I turned toward the TV and pretended to pay attention, internally cataloging every breath he took and basking in the heat that radiated from his skin. This is where the self-help book left me hanging. I'd built up my confidence (although it had been nonexistent, so we were still playing in the junior leagues here) and made the decision to embrace my inner animal and go after what I want. The problem was the stupid freaking book hadn't gone into specifics. The glacial pace had me ready to stand in front of the TV and scream "Take me!" at the top of my lungs.

Think Bella, think. I realized that, according to Cosmo, the way to a man's bed was through his penis. This probably should have been obvious, but we're talking baby steps here people. In what I hoped was a natural move, I lifted my leg and placed it over the top of his, effectively using him as a body pillow. There was the slightest stutter in his heart rate.

That's the moment I realized I had him.

I let it rest for a few minutes, allowing him the chance to get comfortable before I shifted my leg, just slightly, against him. His breath hitched and his hand, which had been resting against my side jerked down to my hip. I felt him hardening against my thigh and a smile curved my lips. Now we're getting somewhere. Come to mama.

Shifting my leg a bit more, I let out a tiny, contented moan, and rubbed my cheek against his chest. There was a moment, brief but a moment all the same, where I rethought my entire plan; his now rigid length felt massive against my thigh and being ripped in half wasn't in the plan today, thank you very much. But he took that moment to get on board, sliding that hand just a touch further down and holding his breath as he palmed one of my ass cheeks. He appeared to be waiting for me to shoot him down, so I could almost feel his building excitement when I pushed back the slightest bit instead.

"Bella?"

"Hmm?" My voice was thick with rising lust as I answered.

"Are you...um...comfortable."

"Yeah." I slipped my hand down his chest, and pretending to scratch my knee, I brushed his dick.

His whole body jerked. "Fuck."

I looked up, startled. "Is everything—"

There was a tongue in my mouth. Holy motherfucking shit, there was a tongue in my mouth! It took me a minute, but I managed to catch on, slanting my mouth wider and sucking and biting at his bottom lip. He let out a guttural groan as I crawled on top of him, now obviously grinding down on him.

He pulled back from my lips and went after my neck, using a mixture of tongue and teeth that seemed to connect my pulse point to my crotch in a straight, tingling line.

"Oh," I moaned, snaking my hand down to grip him through his jeans. I wanted to see it, feeling like it was more than time for my hard work to pay off, but a hand cupped over my breast thoroughly distracted me...and not for a good reason. The pinching and twisting of my left nipple rang the pain bell instead of the pleasure, pulling me out of my lust-filled haze. "Quil."

"Yeah, baby. Just like that." He pushed his hips up into the cradle of mine, getting even rougher with my boob.

"Quil!" I tried to pull back, but his hand on my ass held me trapped against him."Um, hey." I tapped his shoulder in a bid to get his attention. "Do you think we can go a little gentler on the boobs? It feels a little bit like you're trying to milk me right now."I was not a freakin' cow.

"Huh? Oh, shit. I'm so sorry." He attempted to shift me off him, but I wasn't having any of that. He was going to have sex with me dammit. Right the fuck now.

Deciding that the preliminaries were overrated, I sat up and pulled my tank over my head, smiling smugly as his eyes glazed over when they met the sight of my bare breasts. "Maybe you should try your mouth." To drive the point home, I popped the button on his jeans with one hand (impressing even myself) and dove straight into his boxers, wrapping my fist around him.

"Jesus, Bella," he cried before following orders and taking me into his mouth.

Much better. The wet heat and soft suction felt so fucking good I never wanted him to stop. Realizing the couch made movement difficult, I gave him a squeeze and tried for a sultry voice. "Can we go to your bedroom?"

He agreed silently and somehow managed to stand up with me still wrapped around him and his mouth still wrapped around me. I remembered back to scenes in movies where they moved from wall to wall slamming each other against random pieces of furniture, completely overcome by each other. That didn't happen. Although, he did manage to catch my shoulder on his door frame.

Ignoring the pain that would surely become a bruise, I began shimmying out of my jeans as soon as he dropped me on the bed. I realized that this was the point in the game where I should be attempting a sexy pose, but at the rate he was shedding clothing I was pretty sure I could stop trying.

"Shit!"

"What? What's wrong?" Please say nothing's wrong.

"I don't have any condoms."

Aha! I was prepared for this. I reached a hand down to my tiny panties, hopefully seductively, and pulled a foil-wrapped package out of the small pocket sewn on the front.

"Holy mother of god that was sexy," he breathed before diving onto the bed next to me. He slid down the front of my underwear, rough fingers meeting my folds.

"Ah, baby. You're so wet."

Hoping that was a good thing, I rocked against his hand. "Please."

"Tell me what you want."

"More, please. I want more."

It was like he sprouted a dozen extra hands all of the sudden, the sound of foil ripping echoed through the room as he covered himself while working a finger inside of me.

"So tight," he muttered. "How are you so tight?"

I refused to answer that question. He'd gotten two fingers inside of me now and the friction wasn't entirely pleasurable but I hoped for fast improvement. Pulling his fingers out, he tugged my panties off and yanked me toward him, wrapping my legs around his hips.

Just before he entered me, he paused. "Are you sure?"

What I'm positive was an incredulous look passed over my face. "Are you kidding me? Yes. Yes I'm sure." I was going to hit him if he didn't just get it over with.

He sank into me slowly, making what appeared to be a heroic effort not to hurt me. He failed. Miserably. I felt like I was being ripped apart, tears were pouring down my face so

fast I couldn't see, and I was sure that the moment was unequivocally ruined.

I was, apparently, wrong. At least on his part, everything appeared to be incredible. I think he took my pained noises as moans of pleasure, so he responded accordingly, thrusts becoming faster and deeper. I found myself wondering if it was possible to require a trip to the emergency room from sex. Hello, doctor, I've been ripped apart by my deflowerer's monstrous cock...can you fix it? I felt a drop of sweat hit my face and realized that his exertion had caused it. Romance novels try to make that shit sexy. It's not.

He slipped and slid above me, his sweat pooling and congealing against my skin. I was finally relaxing and catching the rhythm when he slipped out of me completely; it was only a minor foul until he (accidentally) prodded my backdoor in an attempt to reenter me.

"Wrong hole," I cried out, not caring if the mood was ruined at that point. No way in hell did I plan on losing that virginity today, if ever.

"Right. Sorry." He reached a hand down to guide himself back to the proper location and cautiously resumed his pace. Once assured he was in the right place, the awkwardness subsided and the frantic race toward orgasm reignited. His grunting and groaning was getting louder now, and the friction caused by his thrusts was drawing small noises of pleasure from me.

Burying his face in my throat, he changed angles again and the sound of his balls slapping my ass filled the room. "Fuck—I'm so close. C'mon baby, come for me."

Huh? How the hell was I supposed to do that? Hoping it wouldn't offend him, I slid a hand down between our bodies and rubbed my clit. Yeah, there it is.

I came in a rush of heat that overwhelmed me and he followed quickly behind me, bursting the tip of the condom with the force of it. "Shit. I'm so sorry, Bella. Are...are you on anything?"

Frozen for a minute, I almost lied. Almost gave him what he wanted so I wouldn't have to consider the possibilities of the truth. "No," I whispered, still panting in an attempt to catch my breath.

A pained look crossed his face and I couldn't help but ask, "Has this happened to you before?"

"Um...I've never actually done this before."

"Oh. Oh! Neither have I."

He grinned down at me and pushed off my body, creating a horrifying sucking sound as our combined sweat attempted to glue our torsos together. Gesturing at the blood on my thighs before he turned and headed toward the bathroom to, I assume, clean up, he replied, "I figured."

There was a contemplative look on his face when he reentered the room and sat next to me on the bed. He used a damp washcloth to carefully clean my thighs. "It was only once," he rationalized out loud.

"Yeah. And I don't even think it's the right time of month for it." I couldn't be more glad he wasn't Jake at that point, because Jake would've caught the lie. Quil didn't. Too wrapped up in his internal musings, he lay down next to me and hauled me in next to his body.

"If...if something does happen, you'll tell me right?"

I nodded against his chest and snuggled closer, wanting to soak up as much of his heat as possible before it was over and I had to go home. Knowing myself, this could very well be the one and only time I had sex, so I wanted to, I don't know, bask or something.

In a silent refrain through my muddled brain ran two separate thoughts, one of a self-congratulatory nature and the other a somewhat desperate plea: I am an animal and Oh, God I hope I'm not pregnant.

PS: Quil wanted me to tell you that it can only get better from here. It was his first time up to bat, after all. Also, the stealth trip to the backdoor was a total accident. Really.