He wasn't Coran anymore. He was better than Coran. Regular Coran was an idiot and nobody needed him, least of all New and Improved Coran, who was the smartest chuff in the galaxy. All of the galaxies. All of the universes. Yes sir, he was the best Coran and the best person and the one who would save them all. They hardly even deserved him and his genius, he was that brilliant.
"Tell me more about this Disney on Ice," he said to his helpless charge, Hunk.
"Well, it's like people wearing mascot costumes of popular cartoon characters, and I guess they reenact their movies on an ice rink or something. I don't know exactly, I'm a little out of touch here."
Of course Hunk was out of touch, they were all out of touch. Except Coran, the New and Improved version, he was absolutely in touch, he was touching everything with the tendrils of his spectacular brain.
They needed mascot costumes. They needed ice.
They needed more fart jokes.
That was how you pleased the masses. Universal humor, and big foamy mascot costumes. And it was a fact that fart jokes were hilarious on every planet out there, even to species that didn't fart. As to why, no one knew, but his magnificent brain was working on that mystery as he thought about everything else.
It was lonely being the smartest guy in the universe, being misunderstood by everybody else. Except for Bii-Boh-Bi. What a decent project assistant he was. Because Bii-Boh-Bi was smarter than all of the others, he never questioned Coran's brilliance, in fact he never had any of those pesky opinions that his Paladins did. And he also didn't fart, and that was why he understood such highbrow humor There would never be another mind like Bii-Boh-Bi, and when he died Coran would be lonely forever, because Coran was immortal, Coran was the newest god of them all, and the best one at that. It took a god to love such unintelligent little quarklings, but he did, land sakes, he was their only hope.
The fart jokes would go over so well. What a good idea.
He could concentrate on the plans better if his heart would stop beating so fast. But he really loved the idea of the mascot costumes and that was why he was so excited. Big, foamy ones, with big, foamy colors.
Non-farting species liked fart jokes because farts were the gastric equivalent of death – of being thrust from your comfortable world into the cold atmosphere of the unfamiliar. And you had no choice but to laugh about it, because if you thought about it too much it would make you uncomfortable, so you just laughed instead. It was why children found fart jokes funnier than adults did. Children were always wiser than adults, and that was why the New and Improved Coran was so much better, because he was having all of that adult-minded muddle being cleared away from his brain, and now he was wise at last.
"Coran, are you okay?" Hunk asked. "You look kind of out of it."
"I AM JUST THINKING," Coran said. "You, my boy, are the messiah of our next performance."
"Oh," Hunk said. "Well, I can't wait, I guess."
Coran grinned to himself.
"Neither can I, Hunk. Neither can I."