I apologise for the brief hiatus that seems to be occurring with my long and serious fic – I'm on holiday with the family at the moment and it's not hugely conducive to the writing of decent fic! But I did get this silly little idea here, after reading a few stories in which Kirk and Spock attempt cybersex. This is my take on that scenario!

ScienceOfficer1/ Sex_and_Brandy

1.

It was late evening on the Enterprise and Spock had just settled down to his computer when a message came up for him on the ship's internal messaging system.

Sex_and_Brandy: Hey baby, s'up?

Spock frowns, working his way slowly through this apparently inexplicable comment. There is only one person who would ever say "Hey baby" to him and he smiles at this internally and replies:

ScienceOfficer1: I am not sure I know what you mean by "s'up".

Sex_and_Brandy: Y'know - what's up? How's it hanging, what are you up to?

ScienceOfficer1: I was attempting to get some work done. But I suspect you have other plans for me.

Sex_and_Brandy: Damn straight I do, you sexy thing you!

ScienceOfficer1: …..

Sex_and_Brandy: We could do a repeat of last night….

Spock thinks about last night and his ears start to go green. He hovers his fingers over the keypad for a moment before replying –

ScienceOfficer1: I very much imagine I would need to be in your quarters for that.

Sex_and_Brandy: I have no objections to that scenario. Gotta tell you I'm all ready for you, beautiful.

ScienceOfficer1: I could come round….

Sex_and_Brandy: Or – y'know – we could have a repeat performance like this. I'm quite into the idea of cybersex.

ScienceOfficer1: In the spirit of experimentation I am not wholly adverse to this idea. Though I am unsure how best to continue.

Sex_and_Brandy: It's cool, I'll begin. Hell I'm already hard for you, you want it?

ScienceOfficer1: Generally. As I am sure you are well aware.

Sex_and_Brandy: Yeah, you wanna suck it don't you bitch?

ScienceOfficer1: If that is your preference at this time.

Sex_and_Brandy: Baby loosen up! You ready for me yet?

Spock is quite surprised to find that this experiment is actually having an effect and that he can genuinely answer in the affirmative.

Sex_and_Brandy: I bet you are, you kinky slut! Now get your tits out for me.

ScienceOfficer1: I beg your pardon Captain?

Sex_and_Brandy: Huh? Whaddya mean "Captain" – This some new kink you didn't tell me about?

ScienceOfficer1: I do not understand that comment.

Sex_and_Brandy: Good god you're starting to sound like Spock!

Spock has a horrible sinking feeling, wilting his erection like a dying flower.

ScienceOfficer1: I am Spock…

At the other end the conversation is suddenly cut abruptly off and in their respective rooms Spock and Bones both yell "AAAAAAARRRGH" very loudly in horror. A few moments later Bones runs into Spock's room yelling –

"Good god man! What in the hell were you doing?"

"What was I doing? What were you doing doctor?"

"I thought you were Carol!"

"I thought you were Jim!"

"Oh dear lord!"

"Doctor please, I must beg you to fasten your pants at this time."

"AAAAARRRGH!"

"A fine comment from someone who has just run into my room with his genitalia exposed"

At this point Kirk, who has been following this conversation surreptitiously on his own computer, runs in laughing his head off –

"Holy crap Bones! You're doing it! You're genuinely flashing my first officer!"

"Good god man! Were you eavesdropping?"

"Captain this is really a highly inappropriate scenario"

"So Spock, I hear you want to suck it!"

"This is a most dreadful misunderstanding and I have no desire to perform sexual acts on any part of the doctor's person –"

"No but I hear Bones wants you to get your tits out you tubby great Vulcan you!"

"Oh good god I do not even want – no – nononono!"

"Leonard is there something you wanted to tell me?" comes a voice from the doorway.

"Carol …er….."

"I also hacked into your conversation yes, but he told me to!" she points a finger at Kirk.

"It was too good to miss!"

"This is your fault!" Bones wails at Spock – "Your fault damn it! What the hell were you doing with her username?"

"That's ridiculous!" says Carol – "I'm ScienceOfficer2, he's ScienceOfficer1 – it's really not that hard to understand"

"Well it's still his fault!" Wails Bones – "How could you think I was Jim?"

"He does have a point Spock" Kirk chimes in for badness – "I don't even much like brandy – I'm Sex_and_whiskey he's Sex_and_brandy."

"I ….clearly was not functioning at a hundred percent…"

"But – experimentation eh?"

"Yes Leonard we need to talk about this" adds Carol – "I am not a "Bitch" neither am I your "Baby" or "Slut""

"Really is that relevant right now? I'm thinking it's more relevant to know that Pointy here answers to all of the above!" smirks Bones.

"Gentlemen enough of this foolishness, everybody please leave my quarters now!"

"Oh please yes" moans Carol – "I'm thinking there's no place for me in this big gay love in."

She exits, quickly pursued by Bones who pauses to yell "Damn you both!" at Spock and Kirk, now left alone in Spock's room.

"So Spock" Kirk raises both eyebrows – "You wanna flirt with Bones some more or shall we in fact "experiment"?"

"I believe the latter sounds by far the more agreeable option Captain."

Kirk closes the door gently behind him.

_x_

I apologise for this fic and also vaguely blame Zedrobber. There may or may not be sequels depending on if anyone likes it and if I can think of anywhere to go in a sequel!