Hello All-
How exciting! A story! I hope everyone likes it, loves it, and tells me all about it. It was conceived as a stand alone, so a sequel would be based entirely on popular demand.
Thank you to Julie for Beta-ing for me!
Disclaimer: Like I'd even want to own GH as it is. Fans would kill me. The unmitigated disaster that was once a excellent program is nothing short of criminal. Dude, I wouldn't touch that show with a ten-foot pole. (of course, if you WANT to give it to me, I'm sure I could fix it again. Just FYI).
Last but not least, some instructions. Now, the way I had this originally, it was perfect. Easy to read, it flowed, it made automatic sense. Sadly, wouldn't let me post it that way (i TRIED LITERALLY 20 TIMES. gggrrrrrrr) so I had to reformat the whole thing in this terribly INCREDIBLY annoying fashion. Just e-mail me if you want me to attach you a copy of the original. Anyway, the way it works is this. Left Justified is the present. Center italics, memories. Center bold, Jason's thoughts, and center underlined is Elizabeth's thoughts. I am mortified that the text is going to be distracting, but I'm hoping you wont notice after a little bit (really, e-mail me, I'll set you up with the good stuff).
Anyway, I figured it was better than nothing. Tell me what you think!
I Will Never Let You Go
It wasn't dark. But almost. She abandoned the painting, walking to the window and staring out at the night, which had crept up unnoticed. The air rushed past her, in from the opened window, surprisingly warm and enveloping. She inhaled deeply, her exhale a sigh. She parched on the sill and looked down to the water, the light from the docks reflecting off it in dim sparks.
He was there. His back was to her, but she always knew. He seemed stiff, holding himself tightly, as if he were afraid to let go.
He turned, his eyes seeking out her window with assurance. The assurance of someone who had looked the direction many times before.
There she was. He could see her. Her eyes in the fading dark. He stood, looking up. His eyes locked with hers.
So far away. Too close. She had always seen so much of him. But he didn't mind. It was no more than he could see of her.
"Do you know what nothing feels like?"
" Yeah. That's pretty much where I live."
I knew you. You were Emily's friend.
You were the girl who cried in Sonny's arms at the fire.
Clinging to trinkets of wreckage.
But I didn't know you till that night.
Emily's brother.
The one who could not lie, or imagine.
You were always watching everything; everyone.
When I was falling, you knew.
The moments, like the darkness, were suspended.
"Sometimes things are too big to get through all at once.
You know, they happen fast, but you just got to live through them real slow."
They said you were a thug.
Broken.
But I knew better.
And anyway, I was broken too.
You needed a friend.
Everyone listened, you said. No one hears.
But I think it's easy to hear you.
"You smell like snow."
Seemed like everything was new with you around.
Things had smell and texture and reason.
The wind had form.
I didn't know there were people like you.
Who didn't want anything from me.
Didn't expect anything.
But not because I was a failure, but because I was exactly how I should be.
Because there was no "should be" at all.
"When someone saves your life, when they find you in the snow and they drag you up and make you walk and bring you help when you told them not to, then make you drink gallons of soup, and when they lie to everyone they know, that's more than friends. There's no word for what I feel for you."
" More than a friend is ok. "
The seconds were honey slow.
She pretended she could see the blue in his eyes.
They said you were too good for me.
"It's harder to watch someone you care about get hurt than it is to hurt yourself."
How can people be so blind?
"Do you miss me? Do you?"
And, somehow, things were right again.
I was your friend.
So maybe things weren't right.
"What, do you think I should go pick a fight at Jake's every time Lucky hurts me?"
"No. I just think you should do what you have to remember that you're alive."
He was different now.
And he wasn't good enough for you.
"All right. Close your eyes. "
"Don't be afraid. Just scrub because I want this stuff off in the worst way, ok?"
Never imagined that one day, I would run from Lucky.
To someone who understood me.
"I wasn't sure that you wanted to know how I feel. "
"I think I was afraid to hear it. You know, when you say it, it becomes real. You can't hide from it anymore or pretend it doesn't exist. Believe me, I know, I've tried. I've come up with a million excuses for the way you make me feel. But excuses can't change the truth. I want more than a friendship too."
But you had ties you couldn't break.
"… if we get where we're going, Italy or wherever, and then you decide you can't stand me, I'll walk away. At least you'll be free. "
" I don't wanna be free. I wanna be with Lucky."
A lie, a lie, a lie.
Shouldn't love be about freedom?
I found that out the hard way.
"What do you want?"
"I want you."
But it all crumbled again.
I lost again.
My life is repetition in form.
Fire and dark, scent of the dead, the bark of a gun, and mistakes.
So many mistakes.
And just when I thought I had you.
I lost the game.
"Sonny's enforcer, first... last... and always."
They say that the choices you make never leave you.
That was another thing I didn't really understand.
They say regret is the hardest thing to live with.
I didn't have regrets.
I watched you walk away.
Now I know that regret is a feeling, a way to see, something you can taste.
Something you dream.
And then I met Ric.
That was a game I didn't know I was playing.
No rules.
Ric became your life and I watched it end.
And begin again.
It's easy to pretend.
I am the master.
I did it before you.
I'll do it now.
But she doesn't understand you.
I would love you better than anyone.
I would.
I never wanted anything like this.
I have a life. I have friends.
Something like love.
I have plans.
And desires.
I have nothing to compare to a life with you.
He shivered as the last ray of sun disappeared, leaving them in total dark.
Give me a reason.
She raised her hand, placing it against the glass.
The only sign of her inner sorrow.
Didn't she deserve him?
Jason.
Her fingers curled into a fist, and she bashed it into the pane.
But too hard.
It smashed, and she cried out as the glass lacerated her hand.
"Jason!"
She wasn't strong enough to let him go.
But he was gone, and she fell to the floor, cradling her hand in her lap.
"Fuck."
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
"Elizabeth!"
The door swung open.
I live by my own code of honor.
My own rules.
I vowed never to hold tight what wanted to be free.
But
He pulled her up and into his arms. His voice was cracked and certain.
"I will never let you go."