Slices of Wedding Snark

A/N: Okay, this fic is a present to TheIceMenace who has for the past little while been a great assistance and a great friend :D Ironically, both me and her have the same Birthday (Jan 20)

I'm not a big McKeller fan, but since it's for her i broke my own rules :P Enjoy!

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"Would you quit poking me?! I'm already nervous enough without thinking I look like the Pillsbury dough boy!"

John gave Rodney an unamused face. "In a black tux? No, you look like a lottery winner trying to rub elbows with the elite, I'm trying to get this damn shirt to tuck in!"

Completely ignoring it, Rodney spun around a bit and checked how he looked in the mirror. "You sure I shouldn't have gone for that other tuxedo? This one makes me look like a penguin."

Also ignoring the quip, John finished tucking in the shirt behind Rodney and straightened it out. "There, at least now you look like an elegant penguin."

Giving him a sarcastic sneer, Rodney groaned as he fixed his sleeves. "This is too much… I dunno if I can…"

Interrupting him, Ronon who was sitting off to the sides looking very uncomfortable in his three piece suit barked. "If you can kill a Wraith, you can get married. Satedan Law."

Rodney rolled his eyes at the burly looking man. "Please, Satedan humor is not what I need right now."

Ronon gruffly muttered. "I'm not being funny."

Even John looked over at Ronon as they realized that Satedans did indeed have some strange customs.

"Something old, something blue.. something borrowed, and something…"

Chiming in, Sam quipped. "…Stew?"

Turning to her like she was insane, Jennifer mused. "Stew? What the hell?"

Using a lint duster to clean Jennifer's dress, originally worn by her mother many many years ago, Sam explained as Teyla listened quietly. "From the Simpsons, a friend let me borrow his DVDs."

Teyla rolled her eyes. "John has often said the Simpsons has it's moments, but Futurama is better." She screwed her face as she tied off the back of Jennifer's dress, her torso squeezed from the corset like device. "Frankly, I hardly understand either."

Sam chuckled, and finished preening Jennifer with a nice tug to make sure it was taut. "You're not alone, I love Futurama."

Interrupting, Jennifer turned her head and exclaimed. "Excuse me! I'm the one getting married here! Now like I was saying, I've got something old… the dress. I've got something blue… Thank you for the sash Teyla…"

Adjusting said blue sash around Jennifer's midsection, Teyla nodded. "Certainly, it is made from the finest linen my people can make. I am honored that you choose to wear it on such a festive occasion."

Jennifer giggled a bit, and then her hand went to her hair. "Something borrowed… I love the pin Sam, when Rodney sees the gem on top he's going to freak!"

Sam chuckled as well, and adjusted her own dark blue dress as one of Jennifer's bridesmaids. "Well… I found that once back when I was on SG1. I hated having such short hair all the time so I promised myself I'd have something nice to tie my hair back once I could have it long." Sam picked at her au natural pony tail and gave it a bite and sniff. "I love my hair."

Jennifer rolled her eyes and smiled. "I can see you've caught the Atlantis bug, everyone goes crazy once they've been here."

Sam rolled her eyes. "Please, I was blowing up stars while you were still in med school."

"Remind me why I'm here Daniel?"

Politely nodding to the people walking past, Daniel sighed as he always did when Jack asked a rhetorical question. "Because both McKay and Keller asked Sam to come, and then McKay asked me to come, and then Sam asked Teal'c to come so…"

Jack gave Daniel his sarcastic grin. "…I'm the fifth wheel?"

Rolling his eyes, Daniel just ignored it. Instead Teal'c who was looking rather like a bear wearing a marshmallow in a loud white suit, said. "Are you not glad for Doctor McKay and Doctor Keller?"

Shrugging, Jack nodded. "It's nice to see people I don't really like be happy."

Daniel now felt obliged and added his comment as yet another of Atlantis's crew stepped out of the hallway and out onto the pier, the golden gate bridge visible off in the distance. "You know, as much as he can annoy people, Rodney has changed…" Recalling the said astrophysicist's taking back of his compliment, Daniel shrugged. "I can't say I like-like him, but at least he doesn't worry me anymore."

Jack scoffed softly. "Daniel, if you like-liked him, I think we'd all be a little worried."

Teal'c nodded once, and deadpanned. "Indeed."

"Oh boy… it's really happening isn't it? No wraith attack… no replicators bombing us from orbit to save me huh?"

Ronon shrugged. "I could stun you, but Keller would kill me."

John interjected as they began to push McKay ahead towards the door of his room, now intent on making it to the pier where the rest of the party along with the majority of Atlantis's staff were waiting. Evan was outside looking rather James Bondish with his well fitted suit. He turned as the door opened. "Alright Doc, looking spiffy. Who knew?"

John snorted softly, and continued tugging McKay forward. "See doc? Even Lorne says you look good. Now stop fightin' and come on! You got a woman you love to get married to!"

Rodney nodded reflexively, he'd often wondered what this day would be like, but nobody told him the butterflies in his stomach would feel like they had jackhammers. 'Can we at least make a pitstop at the mess hall? Haven't eaten in hours."

Ronon scoffed hard. "You had a ham sandwich thirty minutes ago."

Just as sarcastic, Rodney turned to him. "That was two hundred calories tops! I need at least five hundred a meal or I get all jittery!"

John rolled his eyes and looked over to Evan. "I'll be back, If he runs, shoot him."

Horrified, Rodney turned to John. "Sheppard!?"

John shrugged. "With a stunner! I'll get you a damn bite but you're not missing your own wedding! Even if I have to marionette you through it, you're getting married today."

Rodney didn't know what to feel, rage or pride or maybe even joy at having friends like these. Then again, with friends like these, who needed enemies?

"It's almost time Jennifer."

Jennifer nodded to Marie. "Thank you. I'll be out in a minute."

Sam had retreated to take a seat before they were all gone, Teyla remained and looked at Jennifer who was quickly turning a bright pink. "Is everything okay Jennifer?"

Jennifer nodded and replied quickly. "Yeah yeah… Just nervous… skin's flushing and goosebumps… natural reaction to stress… yeah yeah… wedding… most stressful day of life."

Seeing that Jennifer was no longer even speaking to her anymore, Teyla moved over and crouched to face Jennifer head on. "Jennifer."

With an anxious grin, Jennifer nodded. "Yes Teyla?"

Using a confident tone, along with a gentle smile, Teyla reassured Jennifer. "Today is a very special day for you. You are marrying a man you love, a man who has asked you to be with him for now and all time. You know better than I do that this is not how a male's natural instinct is."

Jennifer screwed her face in thought. "You mean pack mentality? Alpha Males and the clan?"

Confused over the terminology, Teyla simply shrugged. "Then you know better than I how much it means for someone to tell you that you are the only one they want, the only one whom they can see themselves with for the rest of their existence."

Try as she might to feel anxious because it helped to reassure her that this was real, Jennifer couldn't help but feel at ease. "Wow… that's the most amazing thing I've ever heard."

"Why'd you invite me Carter? This ain't my scene."

Sam shrugged and continued facing forward., she replied with just "There's cake afterwards, sir."

Daniel off beside Jack snorted softly, and Jack could swear he heard Teal'c smile. "It's McKay, Carter."

Sam smiled. "Yeah, and he's marrying someone else."

Sighing, Jack turned his head now seeing the groom and his escort come in, Jack could tell Lorne was armed from the bulge in his shoulder area. "So you're here just to gloat?"

Sam nodded. "There's cake too."

Very rarely did Jack ever actually laugh, in fact, he couldn't even recall the last time he'd even tittered. But after hearing Sam's reply, he was sorely tempted to test the echo on this Atlantis pier.

Rodney was going to kill him, but hey, he was going to kiss Keller and she'd kill him if his mouth tasted like meat or some other spiced aroma because John brought him a sandwich. Besides, at least this way he wouldn't have a big chance of getting food on his tux.

Quietly slipping into the throes of people who were taking their seats, John noticed just about everyone from the stargate program here, especially if they were in anyway connected to Atlantis or Rodney. The cliques he saw were kind of amusing to him, but no matter, he had a mission to uphold now

Taking his position as best man, John sidled up to Rodney and murmured. "Hey… got ya something."

Rodney breathed a silent sigh of relief and continued staring out into the 300 large crowd. "Oh thank god… I had no idea I had this many friends." Taking in his hand what appeared to be a can; Rodney turned to look at it and gasped in horror. "Ensure? ENSURE? YOU GOT ME OLD MAN'S WANNABE FOOD?"

John stifled his snort, Ronon simply looked at the concoction in the can with curiosity. "Kinda like combat rations."

"Hey peanut."

Jennifer smiled and this time, there was no anxiety. "Hi, dad."

Jennifer's father smiled deeply, and he looked his daughter up and down before shaking his head. "He better deserve you or I'm going to kill him. He knows that?"

Behind her, Jennifer's bridesmaids giggled at her odd relationship with her father. She could swear she heard Amelia and Marie making some Kansas joke but she paid no attention. "He does, he's a good man Dad. You've met him."

Snorting softly, Jennifer's dad moved in quickly and took Jennifer by the arm, now practicing for their walk down the aisle. "That I have, and I swear I've never seen a man more keen on making me his best friend."

Jennifer snickered and sighed. "Believe me, he's worth the annoyance."

Stopping, Jennifer's father pulled her into a fatherly embrace, he lowered his voice so that only she could hear him. "Listen peanut… I know you've told me again and again, but you need to know. The minute I give you away, I'm not taking you back, and if he tries, I'm going to make sure he's pushin' daisies." The smile on his face said all Jennifer needed to know, her father was rough, but utterly devoted to her. "This is it peanut, you'll be his and he'll be yours. You mother made me promise I'd make sure you got what you want, not what you think anyone expects of you." He sighed, now pulling Jennifer into a hug. "Do you really want him?"

Jennifer sighed as well, and took a few moments to consider the question, after four seconds of contemplation, she looked back at her father and nodded "Yeah. I do."

Behind them, Marie held her hand up to Amelia who scowled softly and fished into her pocket for her purse.

"Does this thing ever start? Come on come on! Tension is overrated! Just get it over with!"

John snorted and elbowed Rodney as he squirmed in anticipation. "That's the last thing you want to do tonight."

Ronon stifled his laugh, but even so Rodney gave them both death glares. "At least I'm getting married today! I don't have to Kirk around two galaxies for…" Seeing John's sudden narrowing of his eyes, and the fact that he wasn't afraid to kill a man, Rodney silenced and decided to not even attempt to goad Ronon.

Far and away, music began to play. Chuck had taken it upon himself to DJ and he looked utterly ridiculous yet oh so hilarious in his loud orange tuxedo. Compared to everyone else who wore muted colors, except for the bridesmaids who wore deep blue, he stood out like a sore thumb.

The wedding march always creeped Rodney out, he couldn't help but hear a distinct similarity to the death march, which only served to further aggravate him.

He wanted this, goddamn did he want it. He and Jennifer had already confessed ages ago, even before they came back to Earth, They loved each other and that was it, it was final and they both wanted it that way.

This whole marriage thing was a farce! Dammit! As far as he was concerned, this was just a long and humiliating way for everyone around him to have fun at his expense! The only consolation was he hadn't had to pay for a priest or a locale! Teyla began to walk down the aisle in front of… Wait! That was it! "Teyla!"

Thankfully Rodney kept his voice down and John turned to him in annoyance. "Yeah, Teyla, and I'm John and this is Ronon."

Turning to John, Rodney quickly spat out in a hushed tone. "Teyla never got married! She has a kid and a guy she loves and she never got married! That means…"

John narrowed his eyes ad growled his response. "Listen McKay, for someone who's supposed to be the smartest man in two galaxies, you're about as dense as a neutron star."

Ronon screwed his face in thought, but he looked over and nodded to Evan who carefully reached into his tuxedo, just in case.

Taking Rodney by the shoulder, John leaned in and spoke in a very hushed yet still menacing tone. "Listen to me, you see that woman down there?" he pointed to Jennifer, who was now slowly walking up the pier, heading up to where Rodney and Co were waiting alongside Woolsey who presided over the entire affair. "You've got something I couldn't keep. I still haven't figured it out, but this woman loves you and is willing to admit to all these people that she wants to be with you." Sighing now, John clenched his fist recalling his own wedding many years past. "You know I'm divorced, and I'm a bastard for it. This woman loves you. Do you have any idea what that means?"

Jennifer was about halfway down the aisle now, her father moving forward still amazed with what a strange place she worked in. both sides of the guests sitting watched quietly, all admiring Jennifer's beautiful Victorian styled dress.

John finished his little rant and gave Rodney a squeeze on his arm. "Yeah I've had a few women, but none loved me like that and I sure as hell didn't love them. You've got a chance here for something more, something not a lot of guys get the chance to have. If you don't go through with this. I'm going to kick your ass right off this pier for your own good."

With Jennifer now approaching the Altar, Rodney could feel his throat trembling, his crib notes on his wrist were soaked through with sweat, he was hungry, thirsty, and he had the distinct urge to go for a swin. But with John, Ronon and Evan right behind him, He'd get maybe five feet before they and the mass of guests would lynch him.

As Jennifer stopped at the Altar, Woolsey dressed in his finest tuxedo with his head polished to a pristine shine, she lifted her veil, and Rodney instantly lost all coherent train of thought.

She was beautiful, and not just in a physical sense. Rodney remembered all the great times they'd had, and the bad times, but he found that even at the worst of times, he still wanted her beside him.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the joining of two close friends to us all.. " a few snorts were heard in the guests, and Rodney tried to figure out exactly who to make sure their showers only gave liquid ice. "… in the unity of matrimony."

As Rodney looked around quickly, he noticed that all eyes were on them, likely on Jennifer's extravagant dress. Yet… She was looking at him, and her gentle smile melted any snark, any anger, and any anxiety he had about being here.

"If anyone has any objection that these two should be wed, please speak now, or forever hold your peace."

A few coughs, a sneeze, and the distinct sound of John and Ronon teasing each other silently. Rodney would kill them all given the option. In the end, no one spoke and Woolsey continued. "The rings?"

From behind him, John slapped the elegant yet not gaudy diamond ring into Rodney's hand and whispered in his ear. "Slip it on, don't jam it."

Again swearing uncontrollable revenge against his best friend, Rodney focused on the bright side of things, the fact that Jennifer now accepted a ring that her father had been carrying, the man giving McKay a death glare before moving off.

Why did everyone question this? Dammit! Rodney knew what he was doing, and Jennifer did too! He was so engrossed in his angered thoughts that before he knew it, Woolsey looked at him and nodded. "Your vows?"

Caught unawares, Rodney opened his mouth and said noting, simply staring at Jennifer who looked so pristine, so perfect. "I… I…" Unable to even recall what he'd spent hours writing, Rodney decided to rip a page out of the Sheppard book and improvise. "I love you Jennifer. I.. I don't really know why, not exactly. But I…" choking up again, Rodney steeled himself and simply said it. "I don't think that matters to me anymore. I want you, and everyone here to know that I don't care what anyone thinks. I love you and there's nothing that will ever change my mind."

Slipping the ring onto her finger, Rodney was struck with crippling nausea from the admission, Rodney barely comprehended what Jennifer said back to him, something about a good soul, a great friend, and that she knew he'd be an excellent husband. He wished he could have heard it as she took his hand and put her own ring on him, but was then glad that Chuck had set up a few cameras to tape everything.

As one, they turned to Woolsey who nodded. "Very well… by the powers vested in me by the International Oversight Advisory, as well as the state of California, I now pronounce you, Mr. and Mrs. Rodney and Jennifer McKay. You may…"

Rodney didn't wait, he'd done it! By god he'd actually done it! It was over! He was married and now he was free! He spun around and pulled Jennifer close, instantly locking his lips to hers.

The kiss was passionate, it instantly reminded him of the plane ride back from Malcolm Tunney's latest idiodicness. Nothing else mattered, Not John and Ronon hooting, not the crowd cheering and wolf whisltling, and surprisingly, not even Sam's distinct voice of "Get a Room McKay!" bothered him in the slightest..

"y'know, yer lyk the lucky guy y'know? There's umm… y'know?"

Utterly confused over the young lieutenant's ramblings, Rodney simply nodded. "Uhh yeah.. right… There's a great table with a ton of bread over there! You think you could eat some?"

The utterly drunk lieutenant nodded and shrugged. "Shure! Anythin fer a guy lyk you…" He stumbled off, likely the only drunk person in the entire mess hall.

Rodney turned to Jennifer who had turned a little red. "Can you believe that? How does a man get so drunk within 20 minutes of being here?"

Jennifer deadpanned. "I went to highschool with him."

Raising his eyebrows, Rodney snarked. "What?! You went to highschool with that drunken dope?!"

Nodding, Jennifer sighed. "He asked me out all the time, Never said yes. I guess he's jealous of you."

Rodney had often considered the world to be jealous of his intellect, of his wisdom, of his ability to instantly know when things are doomed and how to fix them. Never in a million years did he EVER expect someone to be jealous that he was married. "You remember when I said I loved you?"

"Yeah?"

"I think I love you even more."

Jennifer laughed, Rodney's ability to every so often bereft himself of shame was endearing.

John sighed and rubbed his head, the reception was going great, as long as you didn't count the drunks, the open handed slaps, and on one particularly funny occasion, Siler getting nailed in the head by a flying bottle of Molson Canadian.

Now it was time for Jennifer to throw the bouquet, and all the single women had lined up to honor the tradition. Ronon grumbled as he looked over. "The hell is that?"

John shrugged. "Some wacky tradition. Jennifer tosses that bouquet of flowers and whoever catches it is supposed to be the next one to get married."

Chuckling, Ronon shook his head idly. "You people are weird."

Unable to reply, John simply nodded in agreement. He couldn't help but notice the dozens of smart, calm and typically quite civil women he worked with now shoved each other and rocked back and forth awaiting the incoming bouquet.

In fact, it surprised him a bit, but the only women who weren't wreslting each other (which wasn't necessarily a bad thing) were Sam and Teyla, both sitting together and chatting with Kanaan and the rest of SG1.

Jennifer prepared herself, turned around, and then flung the bouquet with all her might. The shot went way out of position and even though Amelia climbed up onto Marie's shoulders and jumped, she still missed the bouquet now falling to the ground.

Of all people, it was Woolsey who caught the bouquet as it landed squarely in his lap where he was seated talking to some of the other heads of staff in the SGC and Atlantis. He turned to the vaunted laughter of everyone, and then rolled his eyes as he put the bouquet into his glass of water, further creating glee.

John chuckled, People need to stop worrying about getting married. Although from the disappointed look Amelia had, Ronon had better watch out.

"Alright alright, everyone calm down." John wasn't much of a speaker, but he'd spent hours getting this roast ready "I'd like to make a toast to the happy looking couple." He gave them a sidelong glance, and a few in the crowd snickered. "When McKay first told me he was dating Jennifer, I kinda just smiled and nodded."

Rodney spoke out, obviously distressed. "You did not! You said 'And then you woke up!' "

The crowd burst into laughter, Rodney suddenly realizing he'd taken the bait, hook line and sinker. Jennifer giggled as well, but hugged him nonetheless.

John waited for the laughter to die down a bit, and then spoke again. "Okay, Maybe I was a little doubtful. But I looked at Rodney and…" he turned to Rodney and smiled softly. "… and I saw him happier. Which for Rodney means he's either just eaten or someone smuggled some chocolate aboard."

A few more laughs, but it was clear John was getting serious. Rodney again gave John a death glare.

Ignoring it, John finished his speech. "I'm happy for him. And for Jennifer. I might have never seen it coming, but maybe it was meant to happen, you never know what a few differences will change, and what they won't." He turned to Rodney and held his glass up. "He's all yours Jennifer, take good care of him."

Jennifer smiled and toasted her glass, and the party resumed.

"So where are we going? You told me it was a secret that you wouldn't tell me until we were married… so? We're married, where?"

Rodney chuckled, he had to admit, Sheppard was often an idiot, but sometimes he had great ideas. "You really wanna know?"

Jennifer poked him with her elbow, She was glad that she'd switched clothes into a little ditty Teyla had gotten her, it was almost time to dance and the old wedding dress was not what she had in mind for such movements. "Yes! Tell me dammit!"

Shrugging, Rodney pointed up. "Ever danced with your husband at the lagrangian point between here and the moon?"

Raising her eyebrows, Jennifer's face was confusion. "But… how?"

Turning to the other table, Rodney showed where Sheppard was chatting with the former SG1. "Sheppard set it up for me, once the party's done, we're heading up to the Hammond and they're giving us a private room and dancehall.

Jennifer's smile was unending.

"You mind if I take the helm?"

Sam smiled, she knew John loved flying, but maybe she'd underestimated it. "Don't scratch the paint. I'll kill you."

John chuckled and took the helm where typically Major Marks was seated. He settled in, and turned to see Sam in her dress seated in her command chair. "So, where should we go on this pleasant Sunday drive?"

Sam smiled, and pointed out towards the edge of the solar system. "Saturn's that way. I've always wanted to see Titan…"

The conference room was quiet, and the large window provided a beautiful atmosphere to the privacy they'd been eager for since this all started. Rodney had taken his tux off and loosened his shirt, Jennifer had taken her heels off and now danced barefoot.

Sam had been nice enough to keep only a skeleton crew of people she trusted not to bother them. Rodney had to admit, even though things never took off between them, she had certainly become a good friend.

Neither said anything, both simply enjoying the privacy and closeness of the moment. Jennifer let her head fall onto Rodney's shoulder as they rocked back and forth, knowing everything Rodney felt just from the way he held her, the way he'd actually grit his teeth and gotten dance lessons from Cadman just so he could dance with her right now.

As she turned around to the soft classical music over the PA, she saw Saturn begin to pass by the conference room. "Rodney… look."

With exaggerated slowness, Rodney turned and looked, his arms never leaving Jennifer's body. He simply smiled, and was glad that his friends were so supportive of him and Hen… and his wife.

-Fin