Angry Video Game Nerd Fan-Fiction Episode:
Battletoads Revisited
Kyle Justin (singing):
He's gonna take you back to the past
To play the shitty games that suck ass
He'd rather have a buffalo take a diarrhea dump in his ear
He'd rather eat the rotten asshole of a road-killed skunk and down it with beer
He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard
He's the Angry Nintendo Nerd
He's the Angry Atari Sega Nerd
He's the Angry Video Game Nerd
(Nerd stands near his NES collection. He lets out a deep sigh with his frowned face)
Oh my God... Why I am playing these shitty fucking games? And how many of them I can still take? These abominations... these gaming factories never stop producing this shit! And I still have requests coming, and I need to store them deep in my ass. I'm afraid that my job as a game reviewer will never end... I can only think of one possible way to retire: killing myself with a Diarrhea Blast. (shows the corresponding fragment of the Ghosts and Goblins episode) No, not that one...
(Nerd picks up a random game cartridge from the shelf)
Throughout all these years, I've played so many games... And if some of them were not shitty enough, they were hard as fuck. But I was still able to beat, I think, the hardest games on NES library: Castlevania, Ghosts and Goblins, Zelda II, Street Fighter 2010, Famicom Transformers, fucking Predator, the whole Robocop trilogy - oh, boy... But there is one game in particular that undoubtedly beats them all. You really wanna know what it is?
(showcases the cartridge to the audience with dramatical music and thunder clap sound)
Yeah, this is the game that will destroy your sanity in minutes. This is motherfuckin' Battletoads! (thunder clap again) And I've already talked about it - uh, nope, I've shouted much about it - in the Episode... 55, as I remember. (showcases some fragments from this episode) I've noted that this game is the worst 2-player game ever, and this is mostly because of the glitches and the ability to hit each other. These are the severe fuck-ups of the game design at their finest.
I know what you are all thinking right now: why the Hell I will talk about Battletoads again? Well... mostly because this game deserves a much better examination. The not-so-hardcore gamers, such as me, can't get past Level 3 - Turbo Tunnel. But I feel that Battletoads deserves a full review: all the levels that it contains. Yes, all of them. And how I will do it?
(Nerd goes to the couch with the Battletoads cartridge in his hand)
This time I will do game review differently. I'm gonna use the footage of the YouTube content: walkthroughs, speedruns, etc. Because I don't have enough balls to beat this shitload of fuck! ("wah-wah-wah" sound effect plays) Yeah... if I decided to play Battletoads LEGIT, I could've gone apeshit and kill myself even before the game starts. I am DEAD FUCKING SERIOUS. This cartridge... (raises his hand with a cartridge) can fly back to Gamestop and FUCK ITS UNCLE! (throws it away)
Yeah... why I did not thought about this approach before? Because I love to examine the games thoroughly: with the controller in my hands, with the cartridge in the system, you know, like, playing them for real. I know Battletoads traumatized many, many gamers because of its relentless difficulty. And this is why I will make an exception. I want to save my sanity before I'll go nuts. Yeah, you know that if I go nuts, strange things happen. (showcases one example of it - infamous crying into pillow from the Dick Tracy episode) I just don't wanna physically torture myself on this one...
Alright... Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Battletoads Revisited!
(The audience cheers and applaudes)
Before I begin, I need to tell you what Battletoads is all about. It was developed by Rare, and it's surely a rare specimen. This was made as an answer to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, but only in the platformer-beat-em-up-mish-mash style. It was ported from arcades onto Super Nintendo, Sega Genesis, Game Boy and the favorite ol' NES. It has a crossover featuring Double Dragon characters and bosses, which is awesome - and much easier to beat, by the way. There was even an animated short which could spawn an entire cartoon series, but it never seen the light of day. You can easily find it on YouTube, though, but lemme tell ya: this cartoon sucks.
Battletoads looks nice enough - for an NES game, anyway, but it's deceptively cruel in the challenge department. The difficulty gradually increases as you progress. And if you think the Turbo Tunnel is hard as balls, then you surely don't know anything about the rest of the game.
I do have to say that Famicom's version of Battletoads is much easier than the infamous North American one. Most glitches and bugs were fixed there, and this version has much less problems with some sections of the game. But it's not the cakewalk, either.
Alright, enough of this. Time to give this fucking game the attention it deserves.
(Level 1: Ragnarok's Canyon)
Alright, the Battletoads are landing on the planet from the giant spaceship (no explanation how they can breathe in space, but fuck it), and the game begins.
This is the level that I consider as a warm-up to the upcoming challenges, there is not much to say. Just kill these fucking pigs and watch out for dragons. There's these goddamn flies that will replenish your health if you will catch them with your tongue. Like the toads do it in real life, you know?
To jump higher, you must run and jump with A button. That will surely come in handy to jump over that pit near at the end of the level. And don't jump from the farthest side of the ledge: you will lose your life. If you lose all of your lives, you go back to the beginning. This is fucking horseshit...
The boss has an pseudo-first-person mode in red in black, kinda like that other fucking accessory (showcases the Virtual Boy). To beat it, you grab these balls and throw them at it. 3 hits - and you're on to the next level.
(Level 2: Wookie Hole)
Now we're going downhill on the rope. That's great.
The skilled players can rack up some extra lives here: they just juggle these crows - or ravens, whatever they are... But it's also hard to pull off, thanks to this other bullshit and other ravens who will fly at you. Watch out for these wall-latched snakes and... toasters.
(Nerd is stunned in shock) Seriously? Toasters? WHO THE FUCK DECIDED TO PUT TOASTERS IN THIS GAME? WHAT WERE THEY TOASTING IN THEIR ASSES?
Mario (from Hotel Mario): You know what they say: all toasters toast TOAST!
Dan Forden: TOASTY!
I just only now see that these things are toasters. And they are a really big problem: they will electrocute your sorry ass if you are not careful. Go ahead, beat these fucking toasters! (Pretends to smash toasters in-game) Uggh! Uggh! Die, you kitchen freak! DIE! (DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!)
And there are these damn electric outlines that will kill you with two hits. You need to adjust yourself right to pass them unharmed. And there, you have the Wookie Hole... more like Chewbacca's Crappy Asshole! (Chewie growls)
(Level 3: Turbo Tunnel)
Ah yes, the infamous Turbo Tunnel... The reason of many scarred minds of children and adults alike.
At the beginning, there are these rats that you must send to the goddamn Moon with your fists, boots, and horns, whatever... Kill them all and watch out for the pitfalls. Why this level looks like a brain? What's up with the background? Why these pitfalls are filled to the brim with balls? Ah, who gives a shit? Moving on.
After you beat these rats and finish with this segment, here comes this awesome but hard-as-buffalo-shit hoverbike section which made Battletoads infamous. Grab a bike and tight your seatbelts: this is when shit becomes real.
These vertical walls are easy to avoid: align yourself with the safe zone in time, and watch the pattern. Horizontal barriers can be avoided by jumping. The trampolines allow you to jump higher. They are also can be considered a problem for unskilled players: they move their bike too much in the air, and this is what can help you lose a life. If you kill yourself, you will return to the beginning of the section.
Next sections become harder. These airborne trampolines, rats with barriers and rockets, horizontal walls in the air, pitfalls that you must jump across in rapid succession with no warning whatsoever...
But the last section of this hoverbike madness is merciless to anyone... and I fucking mean it, ANYONE: your bike moves really fast, and so are these goddamn walls. They appear much quicker than before, and you only have fraction of a second to move aside. This is definitely a Hell for gamers who don't have speed fingers of a Flash. There are 20 vertical barriers to cross and 3 horizontal ones to jump over. But if you want to skip ahead for one level, you're in luck. On 10th wall, there is a warp zone. If you're lucky to count these walls to 10, you can just smash into this warp.
(Cut to the Nerd with the bottle of Rolling Rock)
Many average gamers consider Turbo Tunnel hard, if not unbeatable. As I said before, they wouldn't see the rest of the game because of this. And if you still think that Turbo Tunnel is hard enough as it can possibly be, then prepare yourself for more shock, because this is just the beginning... (drinks from the bottle)
(Level 4: Arctic Caverns)
First of all... How Battletoads can survive in sub-zero environments? Because they're fucking BATTLETOADS, that's why! Someone who actually beat Turbo Tunnel might've already relieved that this is the level where you can relax from all that hypersonic bullshit. And they're wrong yet again. Battletoads is the ongoing train wreck where you cannot relax enough. Every level of it is a challenge to the mind and reflexes. And the Level 4 is no exception.
There are Abominable Snowmen who throw snowballs at you. You can duck to avoid them, but don't forget to jump if you don't wanna get one to the dick. There are also a free piles of snowballs which you can throw back at your enemies. And... it's funny and awesome, by the way. Playing snowballs... in the hardest game ever. What could possibly go wrong? (chuckles) Your life counter, that's what!
You can't progress further if you don't destroy the stone barriers that are set in the checkpoints of this stage. Yes, these are the checkpoints. And the only way to make them dissappear is to use the blocks of ice. You can grab them and throw, but watch out - they can harm you, too.
Near at the end of the level, you will notice that you must use specific platforms to go up and down. But there is the next problem that makes it challenging: the insta-kill spikes. If you're slow enough to react, you're guaranteed to lose a life. So, watch out for obstacles and make your way to the end of this refrigerator mess.
(Level 5: Surf City)
Wow... now we can surf in all of a sudden... That's cool, I guess. And still, this is not cool where you must dodge the wooden logs, tornado whirlpools and shit. The former will knock 3 hitboxes if you hit it, the latter will suck all your life away. So, pick your poison.
Mid-way in the level, there is a boss. A fat rat... wow, "fat rat"... Anyway, this boss only jumps and hits with his tail. If you have the stick from the previous enemies, just hit him with it. Be careful when he will jump to the sky: he will land on your head and stomp one of your fucking lives away if you don't move your ass aside in time.
If you kill him, don't celebrate yet: you will have to surf once again. And this section is much, much harder than the first one. It even puts the fifth hoverbike section of Turbo Tunnel to shame: there are insta-kill spikes that come in random places. And the surfboard is moving much faster, so, you're fucked.
And if you somehow beat Surf City, you may consider yourself a hero already.
(Level 6: Karnath's Lair)
Who the Hell is Karnath? I don't see him... or her... in the game. Well, anyway...
Indiana Jones: Snakes... why did it have to be snakes?
Exactly... I wish to know that too. (Nerd drinks more Rolling Rock)
This is the level where you must ride on the snakes to the exit. There are four sections - four different rooms, if you will. The first one is a warm-up, but the remaining ones have spikes. Let go off the snake too early - you die. Forgot to jump over spikes - you die. Jump right to the spikes - you die. Let go off the snake too late - you die. You die, you die, you die, and you fucking die!
Some of the snakes can move faster than light, so watch out if you riding on one of those. Most of them move along the spikes, so keep your eyes ready to dodge these, too. If you are killed by these spikes, you return to the beginning of the section.
Still, it looks amazing... riding on snakes and observing their path. And if you will jump to the pit where the snake supposed to appear before it actually appears, you miss it and fall into spikes. This is also a problem. Just hang on tight, and hope you will make to the last hole. (Nerd notices word "OUT" on it) Yeah, out... I wanna go out of this fucking game already... (takes two sips of Rolling Rock) But this is not ever yet...
(Level 7: Volkmire's Inferno)
Just when you think that Battletoads couldn't get any harder at this point, there is always the stage which proves otherwise. Welcome to Level 7, also known as Shit Inferno. Anyone who would get this far would be already baffled at the sheer insanity of the challenge that awaits these lucky bastards. This "Volkmire" guy was planned to be an antagonist of Battletoads in Battlemaniacs on the Super Nintendo, but he only appears in the cutscene. As a bonus, you can also blow his chopper off in that game - if you could beat it, that is.
This is what I can consider as an Unholy Inferno of Video Game History. You can look at it - and you already crapping in your pants. This is the definitive meaning of "Inferno": the backgrounds look like Hell thanks to these red devilish shades of horror. At first glance it just so happens to be a re-hash of the Turbo Tunnel, but just you wait...
Beat the crap out of rats, carefully - I repeat, CAREFULLY - jump on these logs, and face the ultimate definition of Inferno: jet-riding section which makes the whole Turbo Tunnel look like a fucking cakewalk.
Electrical barriers that appear instantly, electrical barriers that can wide and close up, fireballs that you must avoid, unpredictable patterns of missiles which will go up and down - all this compilation will make your blood boil and your reflexes will fuck up sooner or later. Only the Gods of Video Gaming can pass through all of this clusterfuck on one single life...
(Cut to the Nerd)
I've actually watched some speedruns, and HOLY FUCK - this is awesome. I can't even imagine that there were some people who can make through all of this unharmed and without any effort. I've seen some bizarre things that the average gamers can't pull off. These speedrunners must've been the machines themselves. Why are these videos don't have millions of hits? This is the true video game experience... I'm... I-I-I'm always shocked when I see this, I can see through the whole game and imagine all the madness that's going on... It makes my gaming skills obsolete, and shit... (drinks Rolling Rock) Bottom line: EVERY game can be beaten. No matter how many fuck-ups Battletoads has, it's still can be beaten - if not by the average gamers, then by the true GODS of Video Gaming themselves. Even Billy Mitchell couldn't beat Battletoads, I'm sure of that.
(Level 8: Intruder Excluder)
After all that hellish ride, here comes the level where you must go up.
And this level is also pre-packaged with lots of dangerous obstacles: balls that will roll on the platforms and knock you out, the ventillation shafts that will suck your Toad in and kill it in one hit, gas leaks that will also kill you in one single goddamn hit... (Nerd close-ups on player character choking to death) What the fuck is that pose?
I can't comprehend the sheer bullshit difficulty of this obstacle course... I just can't.
And when you've done with all of this by some miracle, you still have a boss battle with some Rock-Em-Sock-Em-Robot with a gun... Duck when he fires, and watch out for his jumps. If he flattens you, you're dead. Plain and simple. Beat the crap out of him, and you will go to Level 9.
(Level 9: Terra Tubes)
What an appropriate title: Terra stands for "Terrible". It's so terrible that it's mercilless to anyone who was fortunate enough to pass through the horrors of the previous level. You have sections with the giant wheel that will flatten your ass if you're not fast enough. This challenge is also complicated thanks to the water and insta-kill spikes. Any average gamer will waste all of his or her lives on this particular level, and I am not shitting you on this one.
And don't relax if you'll be able to beat these sections: you still have water pools with these returning goddamn spikes, dangerous sharks that will chomp all of your lives away, and even the innocent rubber ducks will be ready to bite off your dick.
(Nerd puts up a Disclaimer screen and narrates it in a specific voice) WARNING: THERE ARE FUCKING RUBBER DUCKS IN THIS GAME. THEY ARE ARMED AND DANGEROUS. DON'T FIGHT THEM HEAD-ON IF YOU WANT TO LIVE.
They just look like cute rubber ducks; and when I say "Don't fight them head-on", I really fucking mean it: they're gonna eat your life away in one. SINGLE. BITE.
If there is anyone who can tell me about those people who decided to put rubber ducks in Battletoads, let me know!
(Level 10: Rat Race)
This is when shit becomes really nasty, and you can't help but waste all of your precious lives. This is the intense kind of shit that will put even the skilled gamers to the bitter rage. It's just so happens to be yet another stage that puts your quick reflexes to use. And you gotta run with the speed up to 9000 miles per hour if you wanna beat so-called Rat Race. So, buckle the fuck down and watch.
The principle is simple enough: you must race down to the end of the level. The problem is represented by the goddamn rats that will chase after you. There are three of these fuckers, and each of them will run significantly faster. You gotta master the art of running and falling into the pits in quick succession to get to the time bomb and knock it out. If your opposition gets to the bomb before you - you're fucked. You will do the run once again from the beginning. And there are 3 time bombs, so you won't be able to relax.
You can't allow yourself to accidentally trigger the glitch that won't let you kick the bomb, but it could happen either way - and you will never know. All because the Battletoads themselves could shift several pixels up from the level on which they can stand on the platforms, some kind of "another dimension". And this glitch will only slow you down and make your life miserable.
If you somehow completed this course, you have yet another boss to beat. And this is one tough son-of-a-fuck right there: you can ram him, but he also can unexpectedly strike you. He will move much faster if you damage him enough, but it's still a hard fight.
(Level 11: Clinger-Winger)
Anyone who gets this far knows what I will talk about. This is the reason why the 2-player mode is worst than the singleplayer: the second player won't be able to do jack shit because the controls will be locked for him, making this level unplayable. So, you can just wait until your buddy loses all of his lives, and you'll be able to continue on your own... assuming that you have any continues left.
Anyway, Clinger-Winger is the one tough son-of-a-bitch, too. It will not only test the reaction speed of the players, but the ability to use D-pad as well. To move faster, you must hold the correct directional button. The problem comes with changing directions on the level. You must place your finger as quickly as possible on the other button in the SAME EXACT MOMENT you change directions. Any insignificant slowdowns will punish you relentlessly: there is an orb which chases you, and if it will catch you, you die and repeat this bullshit from the very beginning. Battletoads in Battlemaniacs also has a similar segment, and it's even a lot crazier than this!
And guess who is the boss this time? The same fucking orb that chases you. Now you can punish this fucker for all your troubles...
(Level 12: The Revolution)
This is the last level of the game. And it's not the easy one, either.
You must climb up to the top. Sounds simple enough, but still: it will move along with you - the WHOLE FUCKING TOWER turns clockwise or counter-clockwise depending on which direction you running. There are platforms that will make you drop down as you land on top of them, the dissapearing Mega Man-like platforms - I always fucking hate this bullshit gimmick -, and the springs that will make your jumps higher. There could be stationary platforms, but there are also the ones that will spin in one direction or another, overcomplicating things even further. Your sense of timing must be perfect, or you'll gonna drop down and lose yet another set of lives. Assuming you're a badass hardcore gamer and you've made it through the nightmarish game itself, that is...
Of course, there are some fuckfaces that will blow you away. Just hang on to the sticks and wait until they've done. Watch out for the fuckfaces that will swallow your ass and one-hit kill you.
Those who can make their way through this goddamn tower will be rewarded with the opportunity to fight this chick, "The Dark Queen", and... (Nerd is making a WTF-face) ...woah, she looks sexy as fuck.
I wonder what kind of imagination Rare employees had when they were making this game. From what I've seen so far - toasters, pigs, fat rats, Rock-em-Sock-em-Robot, a unicorn wrestler, the dreaded "Rainbow of Laughing Joking Numbnuts"-kind of orb, sharks and rubber ducks - this is the most mind-blowing idea for a female antagonist, ever. I mean, she looks like a fucking pornstar! And her name, "The Dark Queen"... that's definitely sounds like a name for an intergalactic pornstar! What happens when Battletoads will beat her? Will she literally fuck with them? If this happens, I would love to see it.
And she is kinda... there. The Dark Queen appears in person at the beginning of every level just to taunt the heroes. And she's not talking like a real bitch would. "Battlejerks?" How 'bout "Battle Jerkoffs" - oh wait, it's the Nintendo game...
Back on track. The Dark Queen doesn't have any attacks - except for this tornado thing that she will spam around relentlessly. That's it: it's the only thing she does.
If you somehow defeated her, watch out: she will come back to the middle of the arena. And if you just happened to stand there with your last life on your last continue - need I say more what's gonna happen to your sorry ass?
Well, we anti-climactically save our friends, Dark Queen is escaping, unfortunately... and that's the Battletoads for ya. As I promised, I gave you a full review. (applauds from the audience)
(sigh and another swig of Rolling Rock) Holy fuckfest of fucking fuck-faggots...
I can't even imagine any other game that can be harder than Battletoads. Some recent classics - Super Meat Boy or Geometry Dash, for example - are also challenging enough, but Battletoads... GOD... DAMN... I've seen the true horrors of the video gaming, all in one cartridge. Glitches, unbelievably fast-as-shit pace, graphical bugs, unfair and cheating AI, random obstacle course generators... This is impossible for the noobs and average players. Yeah, even the Fucking Nerd can't have enough courage to beat this kick-ass game... I think this outcome... is fine with me. Maybe I'm not destined to beat Battletoads, but I'm OK with it, anyway. Knowing your limits is a good thing. If you wish to keep your sanity, choose a fair challenge for yourself. From the unskilled noobs to hardcore Gods of Video Gaming - this advice applies to all. Don't torture yourself with hardest games ever - just have fun with the difficulty you can manage.
(Nerd changes his expression from positive to angry)
"Kick-ass game", my ass! Have a nice day, Happy Holidays - or Happy Shut The Fuck Up, whatever... - and good fucking night!
Kyle Justin: He's the Angry... Video Game... Nerd.
(Cinemassacre logo shows up, closing the episode)