Remembering

Dear Journal Feb 22nd,2009

"You see me there, you wonder why I smile. My eyes do not deceive you, I am happy, but only just. Fate, is truth. You can't stop the wind from blowing or the snow from falling, why even try? This path is already beneath my feet. I'm afraid I'll never have my true happiness back. I'll never find the key, to walk through that door.

Sunshine is my craving now, the only warmth I can feel; I would have been content being a flower. Hide in the winter and bloom in the spring to enjoy the summer. I breathe in hope and faith, so I won't smother in grief and sadness. Life is what we make of it; take it on with a hunger to fulfill it."

I sat there analyzing the words. Me on pages.

"This will go on facebook later." I thought, and then grimaced at my own words. What was I thinking?

"I have no life" I grumble, getting up from my overly sized bed for such a small room, practically chucking my journal and pen on my desk knocking a few things over onto the floor.

"Oops." I didn't care.

I found my shoes in a heap of clothes lying on my floor. With about five other heaps that looked exactly the same in different areas of my room. My mother was a compulsive clean freak and I knew she would have my head for this, but it was another thing I didn't care about, like everything else these days.

I grabbed my keys off my bedside table.

I struggled to put my shoes on as fast as possible without untying them first but with no success I had to unknot the beasts to even get them over my heel.

My phone buzzed in my pocket.

"Wonderful" I rolled my eyes.

"Can a girl ever have a freaking break down without interruptions?" I muttered ignoring Jades call. I didn't care. I needed out! RIGHT NOW!

Without saying goodbye to my mother, another wrong move on the daughter part. I would probably get grounded, dish duty, maybe have my keys taken away –all of thee above-. Oh well. I ran out of the house ignoring that we had a drive way and bounded down the front yard. My baby, a blue s10 Chevy truck was parked on the curb. My sanity.

I fumbled putting my key into the lock, dropping them on the ground, I bent down to retrieve them, when I touched the cold hard asphalt with my fingertips, a chill rose up my spine, that's when I realized I didn't have on a jacket. Wonderful. The flurries started hitting my face, reminding me winter was appalling. I couldn't stand the cold and living in Tunkhannock Pennsylvania. What kind of name was that anyway. Everything wasn't even close to reality. The people were overly nice, the houses were large and misplaced in the quiet town. It was kind of like living in a dream world. Nothing made since. I usually tried to not pay attention anymore.

"Ehh!" I urged. Finally the keys cooperated, unfortunately, after my fingers where blue and frozen from the pre-mature blizzard like conditions.

I was on the highway in 2 minutes. It was a pretty easy access from our house. Avoiding any radio station that could possibly have reminders of the past three years, I settled on rap. We never listened to it anyway.

I knew exactly where I was going, but I couldn't explain to you why the hell I was going there.

"Your an idiot August." I spoke to myself unaware I was going around 80. More then what my poor truck could handle. I ignored my sane thoughts of turning around and going home, they were always inviting but, they never convinced me.

I concentrated on breathing.

I was hyperventilating or was close to it. I could feel my heart beating in my fingertips-never a good sign.

"Calm yourself" I spoke gently, then watched as my speed dial curved around the numbers, 75, 70, 65. That was good enough for now. I wasn't in any hurry.

Only 10 minuets later I saw the sign for excite 34, 1 mile marker. My heart pounded suddenly in my chest, then dropping to the pit of my stomach. The pain was expected now, almost alluring. It always hit with the same force. I took my right hand from the steering wheel and pressed my forearm into my stomach, holding it together. Nausea radiated through my body and I had a sudden urge that I was going to throw up. I could pull over but I always remembered what my father said while he was teching my to drive on the highway

"It's very unsafe to pull over on the side of the highway August, you could easily get hit and killed. The police would have to scoop you up with a shovel and your mother and I would have to haul ourselves distraught and all, to see if we can identify you. You wouldn't want that now would you?" I never had an answer to that. Horrible mental pictures though.

My hands became very clammy and I could feel myself sweating, it gathered above my brawl.

"Why do I do this to myself?" I asked. I shook involuntary now. It had become routine.

I could see the exit. Now was always the time when the pain grew stronger. A big heaviness in my belly. I remember when that pressure used to be butterflies. But I didn't want to remember that time. For some reason it always came to this, trying to talk myself out of remembering. Ironic.

"You'll regret this". I spat at my refection in my rearview mirror.

"It'll hurt later". I was beginning to feel that extra gather of liquid at the corner of my eye.

"More then it does now!" I began to yell. Tears Flowing over, wetting my cheeks.

The man driving beside me was watching me. He looked amused, looking back and forth between me and the road. He was a bald man with a very large mustache, under it he was smiling crookedly. "He thinks I'm funny?" I questioned his theory.

"Awkward" was my conclusion.

I pulled my eyes away from the handlebar mustache man gawking, in enough time to realize that I was about to miss my excite.

Maybe I should.

It would be okay if I did.

Nothing wrong with more driving.

But more then necessary, stubbornness won the battle. Turning in enough time I jerked the wheel and up I went. Words like mistake, idiot, pain, and jackass rang loudly in my mind. At this time my brain didn't control my body, every move I made was involuntary.

My phone buzzed again.

Jade or my mom I assumed.

I ignored whoever it was and kept driving.

Eventually, I was there. Where I didn't want to be, where I had to go.

"Where are we going" I sang loudly.

"You'll see" he laughed lightly. Full of secrets.

He ran to the passenger side of his black jeep perfect for the summer weather. He opened the door and stood joyful waiting for me to follow and jump in. Top gun soundtrack played from the speakers.

"One of my favorite movies" I swooned. He knew me so well. I stood there admiring him.

Joe stared at me his green eyes which had hints of light yellow and blue, which got darker green around the irises. He had very distinct eyes. He always got lots of compliments about them. His crooked smirk made me liquefy. All of him did. His shaggy sand blonde hair that fell slightly over his forehead in his eyes, his arms and chest where fairly bulky for a soccer player but I didn't mind at all. He was a sculpture made from stone, he was perfect. My very own model, I was fairly insignificant compared to him. He was also a gentleman.

I walked to him; he kissed me lightly on the forehead.

"Please tell me where we are going, its unfair." I pouted climbing into my seat.

"What is?" he asked running around the front of the jeep, jumping over the door, without ever opening it. Showoff.

"I never keep secrets from you." I said smugly.

"It will ruin everything if I tell you, I want you to be surprised, so just sit over there and enjoy this okay?"

I couldn't help but smile.

It was early summer so of course he had the top off. He was adventuresses, another one of his many qualities that I fancied, Along with athletic, romantic and child like is some way, and he had a young spirit. As we drove, my long golden hair, that I have been growing for many years now flapped around in my face and tickled my noise. I quickly regretted not wearing it in a pony.

I gazed in the suns direction. Closing my eyes and saturated up all the heat I could. I wanted to drink it, taste it. Not a day would go by that the sun and I was divided in the months of summer. We belonged together.

"So, you going tell me"

"Never!" He laughed

I sent a beam line in his direction.

"You'll never get it out of me." He spoke assertively.

"Stubborn" I breathed. He heard me

"Of course I am. You're only too sweet, so I must be stubborn for the both of us". He smiled. But it didn't touch his eye.

"Everything okay?" I asked curious.

"Yeah, why" He voice trembled. I knew him better then himself. Two years is a long time to memorize a person.

"Nothing, just making sure." I lie, staring blankly at the road.

He laughed to improve the mood and then turned up the music and started to sing earsplitting, and off tune. I joined in. he didn't want to talk about it, but I would bring it up later if he didn't. I always told him everything. I didn't like when he kept things from me.

"Excite 34, one mile."

Id never even heard of it.

"What's there?"

He said nothing just smirked looking into my eyes for only a moment.

My heart skipped a beat. Maybe two.

"Okay, since you won't tell me anything what so ever I'm not getting out of this car."

He bellowed loudly.

"I bet you five bucks you'll get out!"

"You're on!" I challenged

"Whoa!" I streaked, as I dipped my toes into the cool crisp water. It was a deep blue for being so shallow. Colors were a mere distraction to me I never missed one, it was a painters mind set. The small brook flowed gently away and out. I could feel the smooth pebbles rubbing against the bottom of my toes. It tickled and I laughed. I studied this beautiful scene. It was fairytale like definitely a Cinderella type setting. Trees hung in willows, with little white flowers peppered a crossed its arms. Above them where elderly, large oaks, aged with the years of wind storms and icy blizzards, but still full and vibrant. It created a canopy above our head where only slits of sunlight shown through. The smell was even more vibrant then the colors. Honey suckles sweet and dismal voice clung to everything that lived. Wild flowers lounged in the waist high grass that danced with the easy breeze that made things cool from the thick warm air. It was amazing here. More beautiful then anything I have ever seen.

I couldn't seem to pull away from where my toes rested in the chilled water. I turned to look back. Joe was standing there looking at me. His eyes were prized. He was awaiting my reaction, I knew from his stance and the smile that sufficiently showed all his teeth, he was more that satisfied.

Beside his feet, was the only thing that lacked the color of Roy g biv. There lay His black, gangly camera bag strewed a crossed the bright green grass. I frowned. He walked toward me, in wonder with my sudden great mood had changed.

"What's wrong now?" He took me by my waist and pulled my slightly to him. He had kicked off his sandals so they wouldn't get wet and stepped into the water with me.

"Oh nothing, it's just, your poor little camera bag. Please let me buy you a new one!" I begged.

"You wont regret it, yours is covered in duck tape and still isn't in one piece! Oh please just once" I sounded like a whiney little child begging here mother for candy at the store. But that's how I felt I wanted to get him something. I owed him so much. He does too much for me, and I give nothing in return, well in theory anyway. He wouldn't let me.

"You know I wont let you August, besides I think the duck tape gives it character." Just then he scooped me up in his arms and crushed me to him. My feet left the water and I was joyfully in his embrace. My feet flew out behind me as he started to spin rapidly, since I was so short and little he thought it was fun to pick me up occasionally and throw me around like a rag doll I wasn't okay with that nonsense. He knew I didn't like this.

"Put me down!" I cried. Trying to contain the laughter and vomit simultaneously.

"I'll through up!" I screamed.

"You know I will!" Things were blurry. I constricted my throat.

He chuckled and put me down, keeping his hands on my waist steadying my balance. What else was knew? Sometimes I fell a lot, over imaginable objects.

"Thank you." I spat at him turning away with a splash. I hope I got his shorts wet.

"You know I love doing that to you, your fun to play with…well you know what I mean anyway. You're just comfortable. Also, mini sized." He teased. Wrapping his arms around my waist. He was even cute when I was furious. Lucky for him that my anger was only just. My size meant nothing about my personality. You know the term big things come in small packages. Well I try to live up to that theory, but I am shy in most cases. Being 5 foot 1, which I usually lie an add maybe one or two inches so that my dignity was in tacked. People usually came up and still pinched my cheeks. Oh how it set me off. You wouldn't want to be in my line of fire after a pinching attack, I use to call them. My mom called me her little porcelain doll. It was embarrassing.

"I love this place, it so picturesque."

"I'm glad you do. I found this place a few years back when my mother and I were looking for good places to take pictures." He shrugged.

"Well I think you found the ideal place here. Would you show me them sometime then? I would love to see them." I asked. He picked me up this time. Gently. Taking all of me with him. I was relieved when he sat me down on my feet, but no longer in the water. I looked at him, wondering.

"Would you have moved yourself?" He asked, moving his eyebrows up slowly.

"I was content." I smiled and my hand found his. Our fingers entwined. They fit perfectly.

"You ready?" He asked pulling me futher into what looked like an entrance, or a path.

"Where we going?" I realized I had asked that question a least 20 times today.

All he did was smile. Something in the way his face crushed together when he turned his head away from me made me panic. I was known to jump to conclusion. But I had a sense something was wrong. Things on his mind maybe? I couldn't be sure. This was a new feeling I had never felt before. It was interesting. Where was he taking me and why did it seem like things wouldn't be the same after we exited this dream of nature.

The path we walked on now was beaten and wore. But not of late it seemed. It had grown over with the new season. The smell of oaks and wild flowers was as vivid as before with less honey suckle. We walked for what seemed only minutes. I tried to count my steps but stopped after 200. He never talked, but held my hand tightly and caressed it every now and then. I wanted to reach for his face and kiss him gently, the urge grew. I didn't know why. It seemed unnecessary at the time, but maybe for the future. I wasn't sure.

He turned off our narrow path, into waist high grass and white lilies. I took one of the blossoms and pinched it off with my finger as we passed by. I looked at it between my thumb and finger and reached with it tucking it behind my ear with my hair holding it in place. Nature was glorious I rejoiced silently. I smile. How easily I was amused.

When he stopped I looked forward. Our feet touched nothing but dark green grass. The sun, setting now, shown through the forest top, falling in ribbons. Off in the distance was the only white willow tree draped in its white blooms, utterly misplaced back in this hidden meadow. I supposed we were heading for it. I walked out in front of him bouncing. I started to spin letting my dress flow out from me, arms wide and outstretched.

"It's more beautiful than anything I've ever seen." I cooed.

"It's our secret place." He smiled not letting it touch his eyes.

I had not noticed he carried a blanket in his arms. I was distracted by many other thoughts. Usually I'm more sightful then that. I was loosing my edge. He took the red blanket unfolding it, laying it a crossed the grass. I sat lightly, tucking my dress under me; I prefer my underwear be hidden from other eyes. He sat behind me, I leaned into his arms. I could stay like this forever.

"5 Bucks!" He shouted. I jumped.

"Ahhhgg, it was only a joke anyway." I cleared my throat.

"HA! You're funny. If it had been the other way around, boy would you never let me off the hook." He gazed at me. Bitter.

"Yeah, yeah, okay ill buy you an ice cream later. Will that satisfy your needs then?" I joked. His nose wrinkled.

"Well maybe, we'll see." He shifted his body so that he was more facing me, then me leaning into his chest. I looked into his eyes and searched, all I found was liquid moss and ocean. He closed the gap between us with eager whit and intensity. Our lips crushed together and moved violently. Kissing was another person in our relationship. Its name was curse. We had boundaries. But it sucked badly when in the heat of the moment you wanted to step over and beyond that boundary. It was only a curse. He held my face to his, one hand in my hair, grasping, pushing. The other on my back. Then abruptly without warning he stopped. Softly he pushed me back so he could look me directly in the eyes. Tears left trails of wetness on his cheeks, and then he spoke.

I didn't hear him.

It wouldn't register.

Whatever he said couldn't happen, wouldn't happen to him. Why?

I did not understand.

I began to cry, to sob.

My boyfriend, my best friend. The one my life revolved around.

He spoke again.

"August, it might be treatable." His voice cracking. Wiping my face with his fingers tips.

"When did you find out? How? What did your doctor say? I yelled with a bit more anger then what should have been evident for this situation.

"Well, you know I went to the doctors last week, with the fainting and the low sugar. He thought it was nothing until they did the blood work." He muttered taking my hand in his putting it to his chest.

"I wanted to tell you right away but I knew that I needed to think it through, let the fact that I was so sick, sink in. It's not something I could take lightly." He explained.

Right then I pulled my hand away. I was angry. Livid was more like it. This couldn't happen to him. He is perfect, the nicest person anyone has ever met. He is so genuine and so incredible in so many ways. I couldn't think, I couldn't take it. I walked away. Not looking at the beautiful greens and light that was golden before. All I saw was gray. The light had left my world that day. He had cancer. He was dying.